Feeling like DIRT

[Phyliss]

I didn’t “cheat” on her, didn’t “go steppin’ out with some sweet young thang” , but I still feel like dirt. The local Dress Barn had remodeled during the months of Feb and March and yesterday they had a “Welcome Back shopping party” with 15% off your total. ( Who can resist? )

The only problem was, this “party” was between 5pm and 7pm . To be able to attend I had to do the “Honey, I’m working late at the office.” thing.

While I did have fun and found a nice dress, I still felt like dirt having lied and gone sneaking around. Odd thing is, if I do some shopping during the day when I should be working I don’t feel bad at all. Being self employed I can get away with “dodging work” for a bit. Simply do my shopping / browsing and don’t think about it. Of course I also don’t say anything when I do get home. Lie by omission? I suppose I could beat myself up over this.

It’s not like she doesn’t “know” about my dressing, it’s more like she doesn’t quite understand just how much I have, (ain’t gonna tell her either). There was a fashion show about 2 weeks before Valentine Day and I commented about wanting to go to it. The thing was to start around 8 pm. Of course I got all sorts of grief: “Why do you want to go to THAT?” “You don’t need anything” “I wouldn’t wear THAT kind of stuff”

To keep some peace I decided to not go. The evening of the show around 7:30 I hear, “I thought you were going to that show” Much too late to even think about getting cleaned up to go. Said I had changed my mind and she says something to the effect of, you could have gone if you really wanted to. (which means: you go out of this house now, … carry your bags, because you’re NOT getting back in)

So, I had to tell a lie to “sneak out”. No “lie” is justified, sometimes it’s the safest course of action. If I’d said something like “The pink fog carried me away” she wouldn’t understand. Fortunately, most everybody here does.

So, burn me at the stake for telling her a lie, or at least call me an idiot for confessing my sin.
Just had to say something to somebody who “understands and knows”

[Tamara Croft]

One thing I'll never understand in a marriage and that's why people lie about how much money either spend.. or hide the fact they've bought this, etc etc... It's not like that in my house, I buy what I want, when I want and I never feel guilty, same with Tam... What would piss me off, is if he lied about it, that I would not put up with, and you shouldn't lie to your wife.. it's not fair!

[PeggySue]

Believe me I do understand. But, I wouldn't beat myself up. There are a hundred other things that you could do that would be a whole lot worse. Since society in general and ggs in general don't get it, we have to sneak around.

An honest confession is good for the soul. You just confessed to us.

[Raychel]

Phillis, I feel for you, I know exactly how you are feeling. Everytime I buy something new for myself I have the same feeling. My wife thinks that I have too much stuff already. So everytime I get a new item is is the same story. The whole grief and stress that goes alone with being honest withn them.

If they could just understand that this is what we really enjoy and accept it, it would make life a whole lot easier. Instead we have to sneek around behind there backs just for a few minutes of inocent fun.

Afterall a few dollars for a new dress isn't really going to make a big difference in the big picture.

I tell you what I do. Just to justify it in my mind. If my wife gets some new clothes without talking to me, The I can spend the same amount without talking to her. I know it is probably different, but it kinda works in my mind.

[Phyliss]

... you shouldn't lie to your wife.. it's not fair!

I know that, and that's why I feel like dirt, because I did, but if I say something now it's only gonna be worse.

[Cary]

You shouldn't feel like dirt. You didn't do anything bad. As you said If you tell your wife now, things are going to be bad. If she doesn't ask, I wouldn't volunteer information that could lead to trouble. But if she asks, don't lie. This may be an opportunity to change things for the better.

[TGMarla]

Well, Phyllis, sometimes it's best to protect those we love most from that which they find so unpleasant. She certainly does not want to know the whole truth, but she does love you, or she would not be with you. I am in much the same boat. She knows I dress, but never discusses it with me. I think she has no idea of just how far I've taken this, what with me having an extensive wardrobe, falsies, hip pads, makeup, wigs....the works. If her knowing about all of this were to cause her undue grief, anxiety, and unhappiness, it's best that I keep it to myself. This way we are both happy, and that's what matters the most.

Ain't like we're out committing serial murder or anything!

[SouthernBelle.GG]

I always hated the 'working late' lies. I knew he wasn't. But what hurt worse was knowing he was doing something behind my back - CDing or something connected to it being the least of my fears.

[Veronica75]

Couldn't you have just told her you had a few errands to run after work? You wouldn't be lying and it would let you go to your thing. If she starts asking for specifics, you could either come clean or be vague and let her know you'd rather not share.

A lot would depend on how "out" you are with her.

[vivianann]

dont do it anymore , lies will cause alot of heartaches

[linnea]

Couldn't you have just told her you had a few errands to run after work? You wouldn't be lying and it would let you go to your thing. If she starts asking for specifics, you could either come clean or be vague and let her know you'd rather not share.

A lot would depend on how "out" you are with her.

I struggle with the lies too. I rationalize my way out of feeling to guilty, but still I know that I have lied. Telling my SO that I have a few errands to run, while it might be true, commits the lie of omission if I avoid the part about dressing en femme and doing some shopping at Dress Barn (or wherever).
So I feel your agony too. I won't say, tell her everything (I can't and probably won't). I will say, don't beat yourself up about it, but try to minimize the lying that you feel that you have to do.

[ggtracy]

Part of the reason many GG's don't understand is because CDers sneak around and lie about their activities. When found out, this gives the appearance that you feel like it was something that you had to hide. If you have to hide something then it reinforces that perception that it is something bad.

Be proud of who you are.

[Joanne f]

Well there is only one thing for it when girls have been naughty

[vivianann]

Part of the reason many GG's don't understand is because CDers sneak around and lie about their activities. When found out, this gives the appearance that you feel like it was something that you had to hide. If you have to hide something then it reinforces that perception that it is something bad.

Be proud of who you are.

I agree, and yes I am proud of who I am, I never hide the fact that I am a cder from GG's

[PeggySue]

I struggle with the lies too. I rationalize my way out of feeling to guilty, but still I know that I have lied. Telling my SO that I have a few errands to run, while it might be true, commits the lie of omission if I avoid the part about dressing en femme and doing some shopping at Dress Barn (or wherever).
So I feel your agony too. I won't say, tell her everything (I can't and probably won't). I will say, don't beat yourself up about it, but try to minimize the lying that you feel that you have to do.

I have trouble with this lying by omission thing. I don't tell my wife everything that happened in my day at work as a male. I pick and choose. Most things she doesn't even care to hear about. So, why must I tell all when in femme mode? When there are things I don't want to talk about, I don't. It is called putting up boundaries, something that is suppose to be OK in marriage counseling.

Yesterday, my wife was out with the girls. While she gave me the highlight of the day (a brother of a friend having cancer) and the discussion of the Derby (we live near KY), she certainly did not go into everything. Since I was out as PeggySue, I didn't say how I went shopping, just that I did go shopping. And, I don't feel like dirt.

[PretzelGirl]

I have trouble with this lying by omission thing. I don't tell my wife everything that happened in my day at work as a male. I pick and choose. Most things she doesn't even care to hear about. So, why must I tell all when in femme mode? When there are things I don't want to talk about, I don't. It is called putting up boundaries, something that is suppose to be OK in marriage counseling.

I think the difference is in how you feel by omitting something. There is no way we can (or even remember) to tell our SO everything that goes on in our lives. But if we omit something knowing that it can have an impact later as in "why didn't you tell me!", then I think that is what falls into the category of lie by omission. If it is just another thing "oh, you bought your 469th bra?" then I don't see that as being a lie by omission.

[SouthernBelle.GG]

...I didn't say how I went shopping, just that I did go shopping. And, I don't feel like dirt.

That's different from saying you're working late and then doing something else behind her back. I don't expect my DH to give me a run down of his day or if he spent any of it in girl mode. In the end, I just hope he had a good day - and without feeling like he needs to lie or keep any of it from me.

[Kolokea GG]

To lie by omission is to remain silent and thereby withhold from someone else a vital piece (or pieces) of information. The silence is deceptive in that it gives a false impression to the person from whom the information was withheld. It subverts the truth; it is a way to manipulate someone into altering their behavior to suit the desire of the person who intentionally withheld the vital information; and, most importantly, it's a gross violation of another person's right of self-determination.

[Phyliss]

... saying you're working late and then doing something else behind her back....

Is exactly why I felt bad, haven't done anything like that since I stopped drinking over 30 yrs ago. Don't think I'll do it again. I forgot how lousy one can feel about it.

If nothing else, I've relearned a lesson I should have remembered.

I'll now go stand in the corner wearing sackcloth and ashes while I'm flogged.

[SouthernBelle.GG]

Is exactly why I felt bad, haven't done anything like that since I stopped drinking over 30 yrs ago. Don't think I'll do it again. I forgot how lousy one can feel about it.

If nothing else, I've relearned a lesson I should have remembered.

I'll now go stand in the corner wearing sackcloth and ashes while I'm flogged.

I think you've flogged yourself enough. No need for any of us to jump in. My replies weren't meant to further make you feel worse. We all make bad decisions that we wished we could undo. You've just let us in on one of yours.

[docrobbysherry]

I've been married and divorced. I think that WHATEVER WAY two people can make their marriage last, is the RITE WAY!

Those out there with PERFECT marriages, U can throw the first stones!

But, not ME, BABE!

[sandra-leigh]

I have only been cross-dressing for a few years (4 1/2 or so). At first I didn't consider it to be any of my wife's business {excuse me if I omit an explanation of that factor}. But the lying to her about "working late" (truth: stopping in at the monthly social meeting for 10 minutes to 1/2 hour), or about how I decided to take a different bus home (truth: I took the other bus because I stopped at the shopping mall at the transfer point to shop for femme things for an hour)...

I didn't feel guilty or bad about cross-dressing in itself, but I was really starting to hate the lies and creative omissions (e.g., "I stopped for some milk on the way home" {but really I went there to buy a new dress}). I was getting closer and closer to blurting it out... I couldn't stand the dishonesty about it. But there was never a "good time" (she had some serious things to worry about that I didn't want to distract her from). I couldn't quite bring myself to tell her then (though I think I would have within another few months), but I resolved that I wouldn't lie about it if she asked me.

And eventually she did ask me... she'd found a pair of my breast-forms and recognized what they were, and sat on the knowledge for a few months and then asked me about them one morning when I was half asleep. So I thought about it for a quick second and answered, "Ah, so that's where they got to!"... and we talked that day.

Her support level has never been exactly what you call "enthusiastic"... she would prefer if I stopped cross-dressing, but she likes some of my clothes and thinks they look good on me... varies with her stress level. Like right at the moment, she's a bit annoyed at me that I'm spending time reading/posting on here instead of doing completely undefined house-cleaning chores... I'm just supposed to "know" what has to be done...


But anyhow: Yes, absolutely, the lying about where you are spending your time and why can be very hard on you. One thing that scared me was how easy it was for me to come up with any one excuse... it would have been so easy to slip into a general pattern of lying and misdirecting my wife, and that was really not the kind of person I wanted to be!

[crossdrezzer1]

HUH???? I didnt know about the dress barn shopping party,,,,bummer,,,did you get a invite?

[PeggySue]

That's different from saying you're working late and then doing something else behind her back. I don't expect my DH to give me a run down of his day or if he spent any of it in girl mode. In the end, I just hope he had a good day - and without feeling like he needs to lie or keep any of it from me.

Thank you all for chiming in and affirming my point.

[Phyliss]

HUH???? I didnt know about the dress barn shopping party,,,,bummer,,,did you get a invite?

You didn't get one in the mail? That's how I found out about it. Had my own dressing room reserved with my name on a tag hanging on the door. The one in the back by the three way mirror