Jealousy Rears It's Ugly Head

[Julie]

Lately I have been somewhat testy, especially with the women in my life. I couldn't understand why I resented so many trivial things women do or how they're responded to. I would use logic to criticize these female traits and even the way society responds differently to women, mostly just thinking to myself, but sometimes in a discussion. I know I got my daughter a bit upset the other day with this.

Then it hit me, I'm jealous. Not about these traits or how their treated but because I think and react so much like a woman now but am treated like a man. More and more I see myself understanding how or why a woman says or does things. I see myself saying and doing the same things. But I still am treated like a man. I want validation for my feelings, which are far more female than male. It's so frustrating!

I know physically I am male but mentally, there's no way I'm male. Sure, there's a lot of learned responses and methods of doing things but they are falling by the wayside little by little.

It makes me wonder if this is all a predecessor to finally admitting transitioning is what I need to do. Just writing that brings tears to my eyes.

[Tristen Cox]

Key word I picked up was validated. While I doubt we will get treated like a normal woman does, I think there is some validation to our feelings. I really doubt I'm ever going to worry about whether I'm acting girlie or not again anywhere for anyone. I am what I am, and to me that's normal. If they don't accept it, that's their problem not mine.

[Stlalice]

I have to differ with Tristen a bit on this point - as you make peace with that woman within and accept who you really are you will find that other women will tend to accept you as a woman in most ways. It's mostly about a change in your attitude and how you deal with other women and are treated by men. It's also about being comfortable with giving up the sense of superiority aka male priviledge that brings about acceptance by other women. It takes awhile to happen. And I'll also admit that there are some women out there that won't accept you no matter what - but that is their problem not yours.

[mand]

Julie I fully understand what you are saying, I know the feelings very well.

I hate/despise/detest when I was/am refered to in the male sense, I have in the past got quite snappy at people who said such things as "oh you wouldnt understand you're a man", but I shouldnt have done that as they saw the phyiscal male, they could not see how I actually feel.
Altough now I think/hope people who know me are starting to understand that may be I am a liitle bit different to being a "guy in a dress", I am hoping that with time people will see me as, to use the well worn phrase "a woman trapped in a mans body".

Julie the frustration you talk about does get quite unbearable at times, what we want/need is acceptance for how we actually feel, how we know we really are in our minds and soul.

love mand xxx

[Tristen Cox]

I have to differ with Tristen a bit on this point - as you make peace with that woman within and accept who you really are you will find that other women will tend to accept you as a woman in most ways. It's mostly about a change in your attitude and how you deal with other women and are treated by men. It's also about being comfortable with giving up the sense of superiority aka male priviledge that brings about acceptance by other women. It takes awhile to happen. And I'll also admit that there are some women out there that won't accept you no matter what - but that is their problem not yours.

Actually I think we're on the same page, and I agree with your post. I should have said "in most ways" the part in your quote I highlighted.

[siobhan]

Not trying to make light of anything. But I get frustrated with the stict gender identification. I'm not female and I'm not male, I'm some odd mix. My CD girlfriend likes that mix and that's all I really care about. I don't think most are one or the other, we are a curious, glorious mix of things. Julie, you are beautiful, unique, the only you on the face of the planet. I know that sounds trite but it's true. You are a so special, a unique blend of the best of both genders but isn't that what every human being should be? Why the tears? You will remain you, regardless.

[Chrissycd]

Julie,
How come you always come up w/ thread ideas that I know I should have posted, but never did? Now, I'M jealous of YOU!!!
Well, as per normal, your realization is one that I've had also. In fact, looking back, I have realized the many times this happened when I was married. My former wife is gorgeous, and I'd often react negatively toward her when she'd some home from shopping and such things. I always felt bad about it, and d/n know where those feelings were coming from. She always thought it was about money, so as time passed, she'd only shop the sales, and then come home happier than ever and I'd try to appreciate her efforts, but it only made us both feel confused and ultimately unhappy. It makes me very sad to think about the damage done, not that I was really a jerk, but just b/c she deserved so much better.
If only we knew then what we know now...
She's still my best friend to this day, but we just know now why we had so much trouble then.
I wonder how many other married couples go through these difficulties w/o having a clue of the root cause. It's really such a waste.
Now, I know why I d/n start this thread -- it just makes me sad.

[Julie]

Why the tears? You will remain you, regardless.

The thought of one day needing to transition if I ever want to be truly happy is what brought out the tears. I have this powerful feeling of being a father to my kids and this powerful feeling of wanting to live the rest of my life as a woman and they are polar opposites. I can't do both. I know my son would probably never speak to me again if I chose to transition. And then there's the rest of my family, siblings, my mother, neices and nephews, etc. What would that do to them?

I know I should just live my life as I want and all that but I can't. The emotions inside me won't let me. So the thought of coming to the realization that I will be more miserable if I don't transition makes me very sad. I wish I could put Pandora back in the box and live a life of denial again. I did it for 54 years, what's another 15 or so? (Longevity does not run in my family.)

[FionaAlexis]

Like Mand I react very badly to the 'how would you know - you're a man' type of comment - so much so that I correct it when they are made by those who know I'm TG. I think my partner, in particular, will hone in on what she sees as masculine attitudes and use these sorts of comments to re-position me as just another male. Its her residual non acceptance of my TG-ism.

I try never refer to myself by any masculine words preferring neuter words with those who are not aware - I will say 'I'm not a very handy person' rather than 'I'm not a handyman' etc.

So far as jealousy is concerned I don't know I particularly jealous of women - but I am regularly accused of it. If I am testy its because I am frustrated that others can't see what is obvious to me.

On the other side of the coin, I think I have to be careful I don't ascribe every part of my personality especially the nice parts as further evidence of my femininity.

Fiona xx

[Stlalice]

I wish I could put Pandora back in the box and live a life of denial again. I did it for 54 years, what's another 15 or so? (Longevity does not run in my family.)

Julie,

Only you can make the decision to transistion or not - but one aspect of your health does bear watching and that is the physical effects of stress on your body/health. I know that in my case stress was causing problems with uncontroled hypertension (blood pressure), weight, and substance abuse. Even if I had not been considering suicide these problems would have probably caused my death much sooner than would otherwise be the case. No matter what your decision on transistion is - pay attention to your physical health. Life without transistion is a VALID choice and need not be the cause of your death from the effects of stress. There are many transsexuals out there who for reasons of finance, health, employment, or family don't fully transistion. The key to living in this case is to learn to accept that person within you and find a workable compromise with your life and situation. This is where going back into therapy may help you.

In the quote above you speak of Pandora's Box - remember that when all of the bad things had gotten out of the box that Pandora looked to see if anything was left and she found HOPE.