how come

[mklinden2010]

Donna,

Thank you for your post, your posts.

Looks like you came across something that he was trying to keep private and his response is like unripe fruit - hard, unyielding, not ready. Given more time and experience he may come to accept and enjoy being Ruth, "during Ruth time" and himself, his other self, just as much the rest of the time.

Along the way, speaking as a GG cannot, a man needs to decide what it takes to be a man and if he's up for it. Your guy may be working out who and what he is and what he can commit to. Be aware that he may be unsure enough of his experience in life to to mistrust your support of something he's not sure of himself: "Does she think supporting this will make me love her?" A man wants to be sure that he makes his OWN choices so that he can be proud to live with them. "I may have screwed this up. But, I screwed it up better than anyone else could have!"

Men are very emotional creatures. Make no mistake about that. Rouse them to battle and they will go to their deaths with a full heart. Touch them where they are tender, as with a sick child's unhappiness, and they will weep, then cross mountains to help that child. They are encouraged to be rational problem solvers, encouraged in many ways, but the point is they have to be shaped and trained lest they give in too easily to the same emotions everyone, men and women, have.

Your problem may be that you are dealing with neither a man or a woman. You may be dealing with a boy or a girl. Or, you could be dealing with some combination of boy/women/girl/man. Be wise in considering what you are getting out of this relationship. It is not your problem to "fix" this person so that they, then you, can be happy. Consider where YOU are, and what YOU want, and see where you need to go and who you need to be with to be happier. Your friend there may just not be ready to be happy with someone at this time. If they're not ready, they're not ready. Move on if you need to...

Thank you again for your posts. I don't think every woman involved with a crossdresser or TG person winds up with this situation, but it's common enough. I'm sorry you've bumped into this but let it be a learning experience. We only get better by living, learning, and doing better.

Good luck.

[TSchapes]

I'm confused are you the GG or the CD?

Click on her profile, then click on the tab marked, "About Me". That should keep things straight (so to speak)!

-Tracy

[Tamara Croft]

You should have pointed that out from the begining. I'm done with your threads.

Donna doesn't need to point it out, it's quite CLEAR in her profile, had you bothered to read it. It is also quite clear in the first post, had those that are 'confused' read it properly. DD, don't be so rude... being done with ones threads because you didn't read it right, is just lame

[alexis GG]

Sorry you feel that way. I actually thought I did point that out. Sorry for any confusion.

Donna

You did point it out clearly in here and in your welcome thread... but as Tamara says some people cannot be arsed to read things right

[Deedee Dupree]

Donna doesn't need to point it out, it's quite CLEAR in her profile, had you bothered to read it. It is also quite clear in the first post, had those that are 'confused' read it properly. DD, don't be so rude... being done with ones threads because you didn't read it right, is just lame

I was never the least bit in doubt about Donna being a GG.. and if you had read my responses to Donna in this thread that would be clear to you. My gripe is not pointing out at the start that the relationship is relatively short term and other important characteristics, that changes the dynamics enough to have to alter my comments.

The issue/problem is trust. In my view trust is something that is earned and develops over the long term...especially if it's to be mutual. IOW, it's possible for a CD to be fairly accepting of self but very cautious about sharing too much until he is sure it's safe to share the most sensitive/intimate details.
I have to consider this possibility as a complicating factor. The "shutting out" may be more than just internalized transphobia.

You are right about my comment being rude. I appologize to the OP for my impulsive remark... I will step away from the forums for a while.

[Carin]

There is a thread in the Loved Ones forum titled "I get confused" that has insights into this behavior. Rather than repeat my response, see it here regarding the Fantasyland of the closet vs the Reality of someone else knowing.

[Fab Karen]

But still, 21 years! Like the movie...Something's gotta give.

21 years? Time to sit down with a therapist. Walking on eggshells for a lifetime is not living.

[Patricia1]

We all come wrapped in different packaging. Self-confidence & self-assurance are behaviors that are years in the making & very vulnerable. Clearly your SO has a vision of you & him and no one else. Maybe he fears losing you if "she" comes into the picture. We always talk about borders in CD/SO relationships. If this is a border he does not not wish to cross, you should honor the request.

[5150 Girl]

My ex didn't care for my CDing one little bit.
While my new SO seems to be acepting, (almost enthusiastic) I'm just a little gun-shy if I may use that term.
I'm so used to having to keep to myself, I don't know what's ok, and what's going to far.

[sometimes_miss]

Decorator Pro, most people don't like to have their very personal lives talked about by other people. As kids, guys were told that under no circumstances were we to ever 'kiss and tell', or discuss our intimate relationships with anyone else; yes, a few guys do just that to brag about their sexual conquests, but most of us were trained to keep our mouthes shut tight. As we get older and find out that women discuss us amongst yourselves in detail, it can be very disconcerting. My guess is that your SO might be very upset that you are talking about him to other people, especially about something that he's probably tried very hard to keep secret for so long.

Southern Belle, all I can say is that after my wife found out about me, she supposedly tried to understand and accept it a bit. But the horrified look on her face when she finally saw me dressed up changed everything. I suppose that until then, she could always remain at least a little in denial, for whatever reason she needed to. But sometimes having to face it in reality pushes some people over the edge. I'm guessing your husband knows this, and wants to avoid any disasters. Like 5150 girl, my ex told the therapist we were seeing that she was trying to accept it; but as time went on, she admitted she hated the crossdressing and everything about it. It's very hard to know how much we can 'get away with'.

[Nicki B]

SB.GG, it's not trust. It really isn't. It's an internal struggle that has nothing to do with you.

And people rubbish this idea of 'internalised transphobia'. So, what else should we call this behaviour?

[kynw08]

I've recently voluntarily come out to a couple of GG friends again, and was seen(and made up) by the girl who's been helping me(also happens to be an ex I've crossdressed during....ummm "intimate time" with). It was awkward even with her to be just kyndal around her, not her bf, not any sexual connection. I told these people that I trust immensley, and controlled how and what they found out, and am/was still terrified by it. Give him time and don't push to hard......a gentle nudge may move him out of his shell, but the shove will initiate the immediate clam up reaction.

[darla_g]

Donna,
i think this is fabulous that you took the initiative to find out about CDing and embrace your SO's desires. I think if you read any number of stories you will see that is not the case. It seems she(he) is just uncomfortable and does not realize how good they have it. Believe me there are a large number of people that are not in that situation, but would love to be. For me having a partner to really embrace my dressing was really a special thing. Its great to have someone like yourself on this site.
Darla

[curse within]

How come when a GG knows about her boyfriend/spouse/livein being a crossdresser, they still feel ashamed. I have told Ruth Ann about how I feel about her dressing, and showed her info all about it not being anything wrong with it, and she still shuts me out. She wants me to have very little to do with it.



I know, I know I need to give her time to adjust that someone knows about it, and also give her time to get used to the idea of someone knowing. But how much time does she need?

Donna

For me it was years of supression...I was always in denial about my dressing and never wanted to share it with anyone..I am to this date ashamed of my crossdressing..