GG anonymous/ REVISITED

[Di]

GG anonymous/ REVISITED
The other thread had great feedback so we are trying something else where we can get feedback from all you ladies.
Anonymously written for a number of reasons ( partner might be a member, shy, just do not want our business out there or any reason really)
So this is our first one and hope you ladies can help.

GG anonymous = Is that all there is?

Ladies I think I got this wrong Please help.
I thought, the goal was for my partner to just be their girl self.But I really think now it might be like a high esp all the posts here lately about is it addictive, what a rush ect.
It looks like to me now the more his wife accepts, the further they have to go to get the same kick you have to top things to get the best high.

Our story I was told and after a bit and lots of research I decided I wanted my [partner to experience everything they felt they missed.Started out slowly their expectations were min.
Walking around the neighbor hood at dark
Getting an entire wardrobe
Riding in the car
The park
Going to a gay club
Going to cd monthly meetings
Going to a reg club
Vacation as girl
Going to the mall
Going to the grocery
Picnics
Movie
Dance
Pride parade
Prom
Having friends to do things with
Dinner partys
Dinner dates
Coffee dates with others
Basically everything she wants to do

NOW the problem is this
The everyday things do not measure up for her, she goes into a depression. I do ask her what is there you want to do?
She has no answer AND I have no answers. I look forward to a picnic, or a dance or shopping but it is now.....well we already did that So I am hurt and sad because I saw it as being the girl she always felt inside but now I am scared it is we have to top things always to keep it fun for her. And really if we have done everything she ever wanted, how do I deal with the depression?

[Mirani]

Dear Anon,

You are a kind an generous person BUT you are NOT the panacea to your SO's problems. The problem is more deep seated than CDing (IMHO).

Some people are never happy unless they are a "victim" . . . and some people are fulfilled by being a "saviour" or "rescuer" (or even a persecutor). You two seem to have inhabited the victim and rescuer roles.

There is also a bit of "Transactional Analysis" in action. (Parent / Adult / Child communications).

It is suggested that communication has a better chance of success when both participants are in adult mode. Could be that your SO communicates from the Child mode . . . and just perhaps, you (well-intentioned I am sure), communicate from the Parent mode. This has nothing to do with ages. Perhaps worth a google to look at the model) - http://www.uktherapy.info/readArticle.asp?ID=7 may help.

So, dear Anon GG. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT - YOU POSSIBLY CAN NOT PROVIDE THE SOLUTION.

Your SO needs counselling/therapy to change his/her behaviours. You dont need more "ideas" to compensate.

Good luck.

[Rachel Morley]

Your SO said "... we already did that" ... oh dear That sounds like this is not about expression of their feminine side and "just being" and doing everyday things ... it almost sounds like it's a some sort of competition to see where the biggest rush comes from

I know a non passing CDer who everyone thinks is the most out-there, emancipated, public CDer, there seems to be. Everyone admires her and thinks she is so brave and confident and that it's really wonderful that se can do all these different things dressed. Yet after conversations I've had with her, I came away with a feeling that this was not at all about expressing her true self but it was more like a fetish. A buzz she got about feeling vulnerable, almost like a forced femme, mild humiliation type thing, not about being a feminine guy that likes to dress.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this is what your SO is doing also, I'm trying to suggest that perhaps this goes deeper than just living your life in a feminine role. Going on what you have said and the examples you have given, IMHO this seems to be more about needing to continually push the envelope, and not the envelope of feminine presentation but the envelope of public exposure. It's a different envelope and CDing is just the mechanism to hit the target. I could be completely wrong about this but that's my

[Jenny Beth]

I can only speak for myself but it sounds like what I like to call "been there done that syndrome". I remember way back when I first got out in public the urge was more than I could explain to myself yet once out the thought that I was just a man in a dress seemed to take away much of the enjoyment. I've still never been able to figure out the roller coaster effect but I don't let it bother me even though I haven't been out in ages. Personally I think having an accepting partner is far more important than actually getting out but I have to say being out with my wife were some of the best real life experiences I've ever had. How can anyone top that!

[Joanne f]

Before i attempt to reply to this i would like to make it clear that i am not judging anyone or even attempting to say why a particular CD does things because as we all know that there are many different reasons for Cding and there will be many different behaviors when doing your Cding .
It almost sounds to me that there is more going on here than just cross dressing and i am only saying that from going by my own experience so do not be surprised if i am way out , now i will try to explain what i mean .
If you dress because you are TG then you are happy to dress when you can and to a degree that makes you happy , but if there is more to it than that say add something like a sort of fetish (using the term loosely) then other things have to come into play , which is excitement , now to get that excitement and to continually get it you have to go a bit further each time you do something, and then when you have gone as far as you think you can go to get that rush of excitement what is left , only guessing again but maybe depression .
It is a sort of opposite to the ones who get depressed because they can not dress for a while .
It is just one of the many faces of Cding but possibly one of the hardest for the SO to cope with as what they do will never be enough.

[Sheila]

It is just one of the many faces of Cding but possibly one of the hardest for the SO to cope with as what they do will never be enough.

and one of our greatest fears

[Lisa Golightly]

Hmmmmmm... Sometimes it's not what you do that matters, but how you feel inside... For myself the more I did the less I had... Doing things, although fun, just exposed the fact that there was a part of me that just wasn't happy even in my relative freedom, an inner sadness that unfortunately had to be addressed.

I hope for you both it ain't so...

[DanaR]

The only person you can make happy is yourself. Others can do things that will please you, but ultimately, it is you that chooses to be happy or unhappy.

When I get depressed, I know that it is something that I'm not doing; I either need to go out, dress up more often, go shopping or just try to be more girly.

[Ashley Williams]

I agree that there is something else going on, here.

I remember in my younger days when I thought all my issues would be dealt with if I could express/understand etc my desire to dress in female underwear.

Therapy, counselling etc did give me some insights into some things, but many years down the line I see that there is no one solution to anxiety, depression, frustration or any of the things that are other than we want them to be.

Boundary issues must be a fairly common trait of CDers. Without being too generalist, not being able, or not wanting to be limited to the social conventions of expression that our rather narrow gender is routinely allowed is a natural enough reaction.

But being different - and particularly if that difference is so much of a deal to express - can become a scapegoat. It can also become a barrier to other development.

Support needed, yes - and great that you have done what you have - I wouldn't mind simple tolerance at the moment, let alone the lengths you have gone to - but your man is still not dealing with something - and it cannot just be his need to dress!

[Kelsy]

For me Di - It is less about the doing and more about being. I will never be satified untill I am a woman or somehow I could put all of my gender dysphoria aside and became a man's man. I think ,to be honest, it would be easier to become a woman! It's a condition not an addiction!

Kelsy

[ReineD]

I am not TG, but I would like to offer an opinion based on what I've gleaned here and what I know of disappointment. If any CD believes my explanation makes no sense or is too harsh, please say so and I will gladly stand corrected.

Maybe it's a letdown reflex? There is a desire to experience what I can best describe as the ideal of what a woman feels like when she is out there interacting with the world? It is a wish to be admired for her beauty and grace or perhaps to generate the same eye-popping excitement and awe that he feels as a guy when he sees a beautiful woman. And then there is disappointment when while en femme she discovers she does not elicit the same responses she would have liked, or her interactions with others do not feel much different than they do when he is in guy mode? This might explain why there is no wish to repeat an activity. It didn't measure up.

So maybe the elation is more in the anticipation of an awesome experience that is intertwined with a sexually charged response, and this ideal fails when the experience is carried out in real life. Eventually the CD realizes there is no place she can go to or no amount of perfecting her look that will bring about the admiration she seeks? And if I may add, this might lead to wanting to experiment intimately with men or perhaps she feels the desired results will be achieved if she takes hormones. Then, as I have read from other CDs who are not TS and who take it this far, they discover even this is not the answer.

I've often noticed when reading posts here there seems to be an idea that women are treated differently than men and they are noticed more or somehow adulated. There are some differences when it comes to the more intimate interactions, but when you're in a room full of people, IMO women and men are treated pretty much the same ... politely. When I'm out and about, I don't feel treated as if I am special or people are in awe of who I am. My interactions are usually quite mundane as I imagine they are for everyone. Maybe the beautiful, young, and sexy women consistently feel wanted, admired, or adored when they go out, but very few of us fit that mold.

[Joanne f]

I can understand how you think this might work and all things are possible but to me that would be more like using Cding to achieve something that you already know will never work so why go through with it in the first place unless you want to prove yourself right .

[Joy Carter]

Were all differant, but maybe there just might be transsexual issues going on here. I have depression issues after I go out, no matter how much fun it was.

[Joanne f]

Do you know what , i am beginning to wonder if this is right disguising someone like this . (Just one of my passing thoughts )

[Paulette]

I would certainly look a lot deeper into what your SO is thinking as you can not go through a full and happy life looking just for things you have never done before. I know for me the first time I do something in femme is always the best experience yet when I do something the second time I always find new feelings. For example if you have never worn a sheer fabric dress out in public you will never know the feelings that the weather has on your body and the way the dress reacts to a slight breeze. Each time you wear the same dress the weather and location will be different and the experience will be different as well. Bare shoulders and back feel much different than a t-shirt and shirt in a breeze in the evening. Heels vs male shoes walking around in the city, these and a thousand other things are different when we are dressed as women. I for one always enjoy the new feelings and understanding that comes from getting out into the city.

[Satrana]

Great post Reine, you nailed it beautifully.

A major problem in our community is the fantasy fueled expectation that doing things and meeting people en-femme will be a mind-blowing experience. Mostly they are not especially after the first few occasions out.

Many CDs use their affirmation for femininity not as a means to find a satisfying gender balance and inner happiness, but as a means to pursue adventures to produce emotional/sexual highs. This is not a behavior that partners are likely to find endearing or fulfilling.

This behavior stems from the closeted lifestyle most CDs endure during our youth when we are denied the opportunity to grow into our natural selves and revert to fantasies to explore our feminine side. Often we are unable to leave behind the fantasies in the closet when we actually step out into the real world. The fantasies have become fused together with our femininity.