Understand me? I dont...

[KayleeB]

This is a progression of understanding myself better, as I am very new to this.

So...

Suppose I ought to tell my story somewhere and here is as good a place as any...

I was on a 'social networking' site (not FB or MyS) along with a good friend (GG) and found out she was getting lots of mail from men that was upsetting her. Very sexual and lurid. So for a bit of a laugh I created an account as a female to get back at them, put them down, criticize them, you get the picture. All going well...

Problem was I found alot of women were contacting me, wanting to be friends and chat, so I thought 'What the hell, it's all fun...'. I found I could chat with these women far easier than if I was in male mode. It was great, I was making more friends than ever, chatting alot on the onsite IM. Getting good...

Then it happened, it had to at some point I suppose, and am suprised it didn't happen sooner... I got sussed, trying to be something I'm not(biologically anyway). The young lady was very kind about it all. Told me she worked at a club for crossdressers and recognised something in the way I talked. Anyway, she advised me to buy some hold ups and panties, saying I might like it, practically guaranteed it. I dont know why, maybe it was fear of exposure from her if I didn't that led me to my Tesco 24hr that night...

Anyway I bought some stockings and panties that night, and when I got home put them on. It felt nice, it felt right, I immediately took some pics for her and messaged her, and that felt good too. Next day I went to work wearing them.

I was away for a few days in a different town, with a friend I felt like I couldn't share this with, but still was missing the feeling. When I left to come home I felt inspired. Boy was this feeling strange... I went into the pound shop and bought a tape measure then went to toilets and measured my chest and then went and bought a bra and some cute ankle boots.

Still I was missing something so when I got home I went and bought a LBD, surely the first thing so many newbies have bought. In this time my online friend left the site I was on, without leaving a forwarding address as it were.

I was devastated, here she was, giving me advice and encouragement, and then she left me. I was crushed. 'What to do now' I asked myself, there's this whole new side to me and my mentor has gone...

So that leaves me where I am now... I underdress all the time, love to put on my frock, but only in my room and wondering why. I feel right in the clothes, but have no-one to talk to about it. I feel so alone. I know I'm not mentally, but actually, there's no-one I can talk to. So I joined Facebook under my girls name and joined a couple of forums, this site being one of them.

Now I have new friends and mentors, I look forward to hearing from you all.

I may not have done the nicest of things in this story, but have to put it in, warts an' all as it were.

I'm here to understand myself better in all contexts

Love Kaylee xxxxx

[Michelle S]

Almost all cross dressers I have known started cross dressing by puberty. But, I do know one person in my local support who started later in life after his wife talked him into dressing as a woman for Halloween. He decided he liked it and now, many years later, still cross dresses regularly. So, while your story is rare it does happen. I'm sure you will learn a lot from this site!

[tricia_uktv]

Yep, read the site and take your time. What you really want will come through evenually. What you think you need will come through now. Its like being a child all over again.

But...... whatever you do, have fun

[Ralph]

That's an odd way to enter our world, K. If I were sitting around fat dumb and happy without a clue that I had any CD tendencies and some random stranger told me I should, I would have wondered what brand of crack they were on.

Pretending to be a female user online (to snoop on my girlfriend, actually) did lead me to a greater awareness of just how deep this goes, but I already knew I was a crossdresser at the time.

Anyway, I'm glad you found us. I sure remember how alone and freakish I felt way back (pre-internet) when I thought I was the only one in the world.

The most important advice I can give to someone who has newly discovered their inner girl is - don't let anyone tell you what to do. There's nothing you "should" be doing or a logical "next step" that you're expected to take, despite all those who insist that throwing on a dress is just the beginning of a long journey. For some of us, it's the end - not everyone wants to grow boobs or look like a woman or be called Sally or have a boyfriend. Not, as they say, that there's anything wrong with that but it's not everybody's cup of hormones.

If just wearing your frillies at home while you chat with others is enough to make you feel complete, great. If you don't care what people think and you go out - unshaven, no makeup, in a dress... that's great too (and you have my undying admiration, as someone living in the closet). And if you do feel like you want to be closer to becoming a "real girl", there's a ton of advice here (some of it actually useful) on how to get there.

[Deb The Brunette]

Well if you want someone local to talk to I am only just down the road in Hastings


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[Rachel05]

It took a very long time for me to understand me and in fact do I understand me now, maybe not, but I am at one with my dressing now, it no longer scares me and I embrace the pleasure it gives me, so maybe my secret is the fact that I actually gave up trying to understand and allowed myself to go with it and dare I say enjoy it.

Well there is the difference, I dare say enjoy it because it is part of who I am, it just took me a long time 30 plus years to get there and be at peace with myself.

So as a newbie so to speak I can see why you might be having a little turmoil, but with the realisation that you are not alone and there are many of us the same, perhaps you can find the peace it took me so long to find