Is that a purse?

[helenr]

My wife tolerates my crossdressing as it isn't 'in her face' and she can ignore the pantyhose,etc. I was leaving for my work (self employed) and I had my camera bag over my shoulder as my hands were full and, well, that is how larger cameras are transported. She observed from the second floor me with said black camera bag over my shoulder and asked-not sarcastically or hostile-is that a purse? I explained to her what it clearly was, but it hurts to get this sort of jab. I know what her implication was. Dressed outwardly in drab, I hardly would be go out in public with a ladies handbag-don't even own one-not my trigger- draped over my work clothes. maybe this is just a manifestation of frustration? do any of you experience similar 'got yous' ?

[Teri Jean]

My purse is a shell bag which was designed to hold shotgun shell for skeet shooting but has wonderful classic lines and two zipper compartments that hold makeup and photos of me dressed. The larger center area has room for wallet and keys, etc. The co-workers keep asking if it is my purse so being a smart##s as I am I said yep, do you like it?

Keli

[Tracy_Victoria]

Helen

you have to remember there are limits to all things. my partner know I crossdress, the other day I took some photos of me dressed, nothing major in my mind, my computer is in the conservatory so I took them there. She then pointed our conservatory is actually overlooked and whilst it is, only next door would really see anything if they actually looked. However I can see her point of view, and I respect it, so now the conservatory is out of bounds when I'm dressed, not because she enforced it, but I can see her logic.

Crossdressing and SO's are a two way street, ie we must respect there views, if we want them to share our needs. clearly your wife was bothered by this, and in these situation, it time to open that door and talk, over what I have done in the past, which is shutup, keep my head down and hope it will go away.

In future, now I have an open door, I'm going to keep it open, rather than slam it shut in my own face.

[Joni Marie Cruz]

Hi Helen-

I think it just goes with the territory. As I've mentioned in several other posts, I'm pretty fortunate in that my wife is understanding and supportive, but it doesn't mean that she just loves my being CD and is completely happy with it all the time. We have had our ups and downs over the past several years and if there were some sort of pill she could slip in my coffee to make it all go away and give me amnesia for it, she would do it in a heartbeat.

So, yes, to answer your question, I do get occasional little snipes, usually when I am offguard and least expect it. Being fired at from ambush is something I've gotten used to, I really don't expect her to preface her remark with, "Get ready, I'm going to get in a little dig about you being a girly-man." and then zing me with it. To me, it's a small price to pay for the relative amount of freedom I have to be myself. It doesn't happen very often and is usually the result of some other thing I've done or neglected to do. Count your blessings, hon, there are a lot of girls who aren't as lucky as you and me.

Hugs...Joni Mari

[Marissa Anne]

So here's the thing...communications is key. Instead of absorbing the dig, communicate how you feel about it.

Stop what you're doing, go back inside, sit her down, and tell her that you know this is hard for her, but that it's also difficult for you, and it is important that you both tell each other how you feel. Tell her that you felt the dig, that it hurt, but that you see it as a way of her telling you that she has things on her mind that are unspoken, and that you're willing to stop what you're doing to answer her questions and listen to how she feels.

Don't let the digs go unaddressed. They will just pile up, and before you know it, you'll have begun hating her for it, which only leads to one place: the end of the relationship.

Every day, I ask, "How are you feeling?", or "What's on your mind?", or some question that can't be answered with a yes or no. You can even ask, "How are you doing dealing with all of this? Tell me about how you feel about my crossdressing."

Then shut up and listen. Keep the conversation going by asking more questions. If you don't understand, ask more questions. Keep your opinions to yourself until she's done, and even then, it's ok to say, "Thanks for sharing.", and save your opinions for another conversation. This is hard, especially for men, because they don't do this naturally. It has to be learned.

When you're talking, the value of the conversation flows out of you. If you want value, you need to have the other person talking.

Marissa

[raksha GG]

I'm confused - you say her comment wasn't hostile or sarcastic and yet you still describe it as a 'dig'.......

[Joni Marie Cruz]

So here's the thing...communications is key. Instead of absorbing the dig, communicate how you feel about it.

When you're talking, the value of the conversation flows out of you. If you want value, you need to have the other person talking.

Marissa

Thank you, Marissa. You are so right. The only reason, well at least a very major one, that my and my wife's relationship has survived my coming out is that we do talk and listen to one another. Not just about my CD issues, but pretty much everything. We will have been married 26 years this coming November, like any old married couple we have had our ups and downs, not just about the CD stuff, of course. We have survived because we are open and try not to let things fester unsaid. Most of the time things don't need to be resolved or fixed, they just need to be talked about.

Hugs...Joni Mari

[LaceyMay]

I certainly agree with the others on this one. Communication is key.
I find that if I let things fester, and sit unresolved, it can get really uncomfortable, very fast.
I try my best to keep open lines of communication with my SO, and at times I even have to just shut up and listen.
I also make sure that I am honest about my feelings, and try not to place blame, or to jab back.
My openness about my dressing, is fairly new still. So I do expect the occasional sideways remark, or moments of stress in the relationship, concerning my dressing.
I do know that if I am patient, willing to listen and be clear with my feelings and thoughts, that any issues that may creep up, can be resolved easily, with little hardship.

This is a lifestyle that most SO's did not sign up for. So having the occasional moments, where she is uncomfortable, or perhaps some minor boundaries requested from her, is expected as well as normal.

I have to remind myself often, that most TG folk are not as fortunate as myself. A lot of times couples (married or not), split up as a result of ones dressing. So by having an SO who loves and respects me, even after disclosure, is a gift and rare thing, that I need to cherish and not take for granted.

Best wishes to you;

Lacey May

[fireandlace]

My situation is a little different. Several years ago I started to use a fanny pack basically as a purse. I put my phone, pager, money, wallet, ipod, medications and other odds and ends in it. I don't wear it the intended way but throw it over my shoulder and take it to the car, work, etc. I never actually carry it into the destination that I am going to but take out what I need when I get there. This is especially helpful in the summer when I wear gym shorts all the time.

My wife does give me grief about having a purse. She also makes digs about what I will be going next... wearing heels, etc. When I started wearing crocs regulary she really shot the digs at me. To my knowledge she doesn't know about my dressing....

[Annie D]

I went to one of the "Mills" outlets and bought a travel bag at Samsonite. It is just like a "Man's purse" and has several compartments, is relatively flat and has a long strap for carrying it over my shoulder. I coach high school sports and wear Nike, Adidas and Reebok shorts with front pockets only and I dislike the weight of my wallet, keys, cell phone, etc put on my shorts so I carry a purse for all the things I need to carry.

Let's see; shaved legs, pierced ears, solar nails, carry a purse......Nobody says anything.

[Ruth]

Different parts of the world have different 'codes' for male dress and accessories. In UK and most of mainland Europe, a man can have a shoulder bag with his personal things in it without raising a stare.
OK this doesn't help you immediately if your SO thinks it's effeminate, but you could try mentioning that you are merely copying a European style.
I have several nice shoulder bags which I use when in drab, and one of them is fine en femme as well. I also have two definitely female shoulder bags.

[trannie T]

I was checking my camera bag last weekend. It had a spare battery and a package of AA cells, a couple of memory cards, some lens tissue, a tripod adapter and a lipstick.

[Pauline Lauren]

I have a medium sized black planner (no strap unfortunately) that has a nice big outside pocket. In there I can fit most of my essentials while out in drab (checkbook, calculator, medications, pen cell phone etc.) I cleared out the daily pages of the planner and that left me plenty of room for any other papers or other miscellaneous things I need to cart around in the zipper area. My GF uses the same thing as a purse, except hers is maroon and she DOES have the strap ( I am envious of that strap!!) I take it everywhere with me, and secretly enjoy thinking of it as my purse that looks like a planner

I am sorry to hear your wife feels the need to make comments such as that about your dressing. I have been fortunate so far, my GF, while not necessarily thrilled about my dressing, does not give me a bad time about it as long as I abide by some resonable preferences of hers. So you have my sympathy and I hope the feelings she has that make her do that subside over time.

hugs
Pauline

[linnea]

to me it doesn't seem like a degrading or demeaning question to ask, but I didn't hear it. Sorry that it caused you distress.

[frederica13]

I've had a few interactions similar to this. Like if we're out shopping and I stare too long into a store window or some such thing... It isn't that I feel she's being aggressive either it's just that I wish she'd encourage it instead of discourage it. Is that how you feel?

[ChloeB]

I often carry a handbag and wear heels when out dressed as a man. Real girls sometimes gigle as they go past but I've never had serious trouble doing so. Why not ditch the camera bag and get something more girly?

[Intertwined]

My wife does not mind me carrying a feminine womens purse, just as long as its not while were out together.

Here are two of my favorites

[Laura_Stephens]

I have a number of ambiguous purses and use them almost every day. Men were the first to carry purses and women stole the idea from men. Therefore, women are the ones who are acting masculine; not the other way around.

[Presh GG]

I wasn't there , but it didn't sound too bad to me.
Are you sure she ment it the way you took it ?

I have medical problems, so my husband carries my purse for me. And yes, people have been sarcastic in stores. But I'm sure greatful he does , or I wouldn't get to take one.

springtime gg

[helenr]

My wife rarely-if ever- uses sarcasm. She is intensely concerned about being embarassed-she has perhaps the harder burden as social exposure would be more than she could handle. I -like the rest of us-am sensitive to this. I do have a compulsion to push the envelope somewhat, but I know my limits-I wear ladies walking shorts-prefer the softer polyester dress ones-but no ladies blouse,that is just too overt-or at least I haven't found one that is inconspicuous enough to pass. The camera bag comment just hit me the wrong way. We all know how stressful the entire crossdressing, intergendered, etc thing is-it just never leaves our minds. when a totally conventional item like a black camera bag gets critiqued, it just overflowed the toilet and upset me. I don't get angry, just another chance to kick myself. It's just how it is.