OK, but not in my face

[helenr]

I wonder if others too find that even though your wife knows of your interest in crossdressing, they would prefer not too much candor. I mean that the old argument that if you are going to do something, do it in front of the other person. I have realized that it is too stressful for my wife to , say, wear a skirt at home-both the unrealistic fear of a stranger coming to the door, but just the discomfort she feels with this attire. I truly salute any whose spouses are positive and encourage moderate crossdressing, but I truly suspect that most wives would prefer not to do anything like encouragement. what do others think?

[Mya Summers]

My wife is still not to comfortable w/my CD'ing, thus I only do it when she is in bed as well as my kids. She does sometimes ask me why I do it, and I just reply that I feel relaxed and comfortable when I do it.

[jennCD]

After 2 years of my wife knowing about Jenn, we are at a point where it is not spoken of, alluded to or even awkwardly avoided. It's simply non existent as far as our relationship goes.

The reality is that, in hindsight, there was not a single positive thing that came out of telling her. Sure, it was a wonderful relief after 40+ years of holding it in to be able to finally say it all, especially to the woman I love... but looking back at the progression over the years, I would have to admit that we both wish I had just kept it as solely my burden.

The last thing I said to her when we last spoke about me being transgendered was "I'd never felt ashamed in my life... until after I told you about me."


jenn

[PaulaJaneThomas]

The wonderful GGs here who accept and support their man's transgendism are the exception rather than the rule IME. Women in general don't have a problem with cross-dressing unless it's their husband or boyfriend and then it's a case of "I want nothing to with it" or, in some cases, the end of the relationship.

[Veronica Lacey]

My wife will tolerate mild forms of dressing (dark colours but no skirts, nylons, heels, garters, bras or forms) and usually only under strict situations but otherwise, yes, it's non-existent in our house unless she is out.

Being on this side of the issue I can understand to a degree her not wanting to engage it. I would much rather see her wearing a skirt and heels than sandals, track pants and jeans. Would never want to see her in a suit and tie! Yet, this still does not stop me from wishing she could accept me more than she does. As I do not emulate feminine walks, wear wigs or makeup (I will wear forms, however) and have no inkling to be a woman I tend to think that it's not a big deal to accept it. But obviously it is and given my position in life who would I be to argue with her that she should just get over it?

A catch 22 indeed.

[Joanne f]

My personal point of view is that just a skirt (providing that it is a suitable one) does not change you that much if at all , after all they do make them for men, and yes it is it is a biased point of view (or is it) and yes it can be looked upon as the thin end of the wedge but wedges have to be driven in so it is up to the driver how far it will go .
Many moons ago the only way that i could wear a skirt in the house when my wife was there was to be in another room , then one evening my wife came into the room that i was in and said "this is silly being in separate rooms just because you have a skirt on i want you to come in with me " so i got over my embarrassment just enough to go in with her and my wife must have done the same and hey presto it worked .
But i must add just in case that your wife reads this , it does not mean that your helenr will end up like me (thank god)

[Barbara918]

"Women in general don't have a problem with cross-dressing unless it's their husband or boyfriend and then it's a case of "I want nothing to with it" or, in some cases, the end of the relationship."

Too true. Many years ago I had a very dear GG friend who encouraged ny CDing. (Fact is, she was a self-confessed "fag hag" [her words].) One day I asked her, "Suppose we weren't just friends; suppose we were romantically involved. How would you feel about my CDing then?" There was a very long pause, after which she said rather ashamedly, "Honestly, I just don't know."

[Leanne2]

It's don't ask, don't tell at our house. I wish more than anything that my wife could come to understand that I was born this way. I love her so much but it saddens my heart that we can't share this part of my personality. Leanne

[Jacquilynne]

The wonderful GGs here who accept and support their man's transgendism are the exception rather than the rule IME. Women in general don't have a problem with cross-dressing unless it's their husband or boyfriend and then it's a case of "I want nothing to with it" or, in some cases, the end of the relationship.

Wow, so true. . .There is such a spectrum of different opinions. . .some SO's seem accepting, some seem tolerating just don't want to see it "in their face", finally, some well . . . seem accepting until you find they were just tolerating your dressing as the hatch an escape plan to leave!

Sadly, in my case the last scenario was true. I will spare you all from the gory details but if you would like to hear more you can just look up my past posts and you will more horrible details. . .

I'll will say that its been 4 months to the day that she left me changing my life forever!! I truly miss her and our 4 children a great deal, and it saddens me that our distance is better than a thousand miles apart. No calls, no communication and already a few major holidays missed!

I thought of all that while watching a beautiful fireworks show at a local church event . . .

All this is to say. . . I feel you are correct in reality most SOs would rather not know that their husband presents as a woman even in secret! See they married a man and being deeply emotional women their perceptions of the husband and man they married wanting in some way to be a woman WILL change the way they look at you forever and this IMO can NEVER be erased!

That is why those who have an accepting SO's should hold on to her for dear life and find ways every day to tell her how much you love her and appreciate her . . . as this kind of unconditional love and acceptance in a relationship is rare!

As has been also touched on . . I too now wonder if it would have been best to bear my burden alone. Honesty in a marriage is indeed best at what cost!

And in my experience honesty can be costly!!

This bring up another point for more discussion:

If we feel we can't be honest and open about our secrets to our SO's and if we have to hide our secrets in guilt does that not make what we are engaging in morally wrong? Like sinning against one's conscience. And conversely does it make it right if we are "in their faces" and openly flaunting what once was our secret?

[TGMarla]

Mine's that way. She's rather traditional when it comes to gender, and prefers that her husband be a man. I kinda wish I felt the same way.....


.....but I don't!


So she doesn't give me her support, I don't dress when she's around, and she doesn't hound me about it.

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

I can dress in front of my wife whenever I want. She loves me as I am. Seeing Gabrielle doesn't weird her out or make her feel like she's lost her husband. She knows exactly who and what I am.

She does worry about her family finding out... as do I to some extent. It could actually get dangerous for me if word spread to her (macho) nephews. She also worries how I'd handle it if other people found out. But she's cool with it, and even enjoys it most of the time.

It's understandable that many women don't care for this kind of thing, and very unfortunate that many cd's end up with women do would rather not be a part of it. I got lucky in my case, and count my blessings every day. Not just because she's accepting of my cding, but because she's an amazing wife on many levels, and I never take her for granted.

[PretzelGirl]

I can fully empathize with any wives/gf that don't want to see it. Sometimes things outside of our normal experiences are things we don't want to deal with. I think there are a lot of things at play but we all like our comfort zones in life and a person has a right to stay in their's.

Then there are the adventurers like Gabriella's wife. From all we read, she seems like a very accepting woman and ready to let Gabriella explore herself.

I am lucky to have a wife like that also. Dressing in front of her is no problem. She has her boundaries and I respect them because I get so much more back (in both a normal relationship mode and support for my dressing). And over time, her boundaries have changed as her comfort level has changed. Just as relationships evolve over time, so can a SO's view of your crossdressing. This is normal for relationships without crossdressing, it is just that we have that extra activity that impacts our relationship with our SOs.

[helenr]

thanks for the thoughtful posts. no upsetting, argumentative comments. it is such a dilemma we face. Kudos to the ones who have tolerating and accepting wives. One of my (many) fantasies -like something you fall asleep with-is dating a woman, asking if I can 'confess' my crossdressing, that she accepts, maybe even approves. but this is just a dream. I sure wish I had known that this drive wasn't dormant when I married 27 years ago. was for a while, but like a cancer (to put it in the meanest terms) it can recur and it sure did.
best of wishes to the other sensitive gurls who are in our dilemma. helen

[PaulaJaneThomas]

but like a cancer (to put it in the meanest terms) it can recur and it sure did.

I'll be diplomatic and say that's a wholly inappropriate metaphor. Where there is a real cancer is in a society which denies us our basic human rights to explore our gender issues from an early age openly and without fear of retribution.

[jessica millen]

yeah, i agree to most of the posts. i told my wife well before we married, and she was accepting at first. hell, she even bought me some make up and a pair of shoes (not very nive shoes, though!) but as time went on, it was all brushed unde the mat. no mention, except for the very very rare occasion, then nothing. even to an extent she was astounded to realize that i still had a suitcase full of womens clothes in the garage.
i think the main thing i realize now, after my recent seperation, is that most women, as was stated earlier, have no real problem with crossdressing, as long as its not their man. i, over the years, got to see a side of my wife that made me think that she didnt find me manly enough. even more frustrating is that her uncle is gay, and she began to set the seeds of doubt in her own head over my sexuality over the past few years. unfortunately, once a woman believes something, youre on a hiding to nothing - no matter how many times i tried to explain that i wasnt gay, didnt want to have a sex-change or wear skirts round the house 24/7, i could see the doubt there.
she still brings it up as a main reason for our split, although i beg to differ.
gabrielle has the perfect cd-ers wife. long may they last.

[Jaclyn NM]

When I told my wife, she was initially okay with it, and sheven bought me some panties, and thigh high stockings. But after seeing me dressed on a couple of occassions, she began to cool on the idea, and then said she didn't want to see me dressed anymore. She knows I have my female clothing and wear it when she's out of the house, but she doesn't even want to talk about it anymore. We've been married for thirty-five years, and I love her more than ever, and she is usually a very loving and understanding woman, but she has had a number of stressful things happen (her father recently passed away after a long illness, and her mother has alzheimers, and she helps care for her). Therefore I'm not going to push things, but will wait, and hope she comes back around a little.

[KimberlyJo]

I'll be diplomatic and say that's a wholly inappropriate metaphor. Where there is a real cancer is in a society which denies us our basic human rights to explore our gender issues from an early age openly and without fear of retribution.

This is precisely how I feel about it as well, well said Paula.

My SO is tolerant to an extent, she doesn't like to discuss it much and certainly has little to no interest in actually participating in it with me. But she does help me find clothes and makeup and stuff sometimes in the store so I hope that someday she'll be willing to be more involved I'm just going to be patient and hold onto my hope

[Marissa Anne]

I don't know what to expect yet...it's been about a month. So far my wife is mostly concerned bout the prospect of me going out in public and the risk it has to our careers and lifestyle.

She doesn't want me to bring it up all the time because she feels that it's kind of taking over our topics of conversation, so I've backed off. But I told her that there is a male and a female persona and I'm not giving up either of them.

I can't say I'm not worried: I am. But I'd be more concerned about having to go back in the closet. I won't do that. I'm not going backwards. I'm all for supporting her, and her rights in our relationship, but that's a two-way street. It can't be any other way.

Marissa Anne

[Angie G]

I get to fully dress at home 5 days a week with my wife right here. Though she sees it talks about it we go shopping for Angie I know there is a certain % of her that wishes it would go away. But she loves me and knows it apart of me and who I am. and I thank god for her.
Angie

[DAVIDA]

Jean sees me dressed every day. I don't ever get tired of it and she knows that!

[Sarah Renee]

Hi Helen,
I also am not fortunate enough to have an understanding partner. She knows and she says she doesn't care as long as she doesn't have to see it, which is sad for her because there is a side to me that she will never get to know. I am also a parent and that makes it even harder because I have to hide it from my child. I keep most of my things locked up in the attic but I do I have one drawer for Sarah's clothes that I can get to when I am home alone. I do not like the situation but what can you do. I really miss not being able to get dressed up as often as I used to.

[helenr]

My bout with skin cancer and radiation the beginning of this year tended to ally my wife more with me. I sense that she doesn't fret so much about the crossdressing underneath-she can clearly see my feet that are encased in pantyhose and I assume she doesn't care that much. I truly can't tell if this is possibly a recognition that I may not live a bunch of years -due to the cancer which I think is gone completely, but you never know...-or just a change of heart and actual empathy towards me. Clearly, this stressful radiation ordeal made me more dependent on her, more appreciative--the daily organic vegetable juicing,etc--and I became a nicer person. when you get one of the 'reality checks' in life and learn you aren't superman-or superwoman-it humbles one.
anyway, I think all of you have it right--the general 'turn off' as crossdressing surely isn't 'masculine' and it takes a special woman to see past the stereotyping we are imprinted with from birth. regards, helen

[Intertwined]

My wife knowing has only polarized the situation.

I am not to dress in front of her.

When I dress out, try and not let people see me, especially anyone she knows. (have not figured out how to dress out, and not be seen yet)

Don’t talk or joke about it.

Make sure nothing is left out that she might see.

I am not to wear even Male clothing in front of her that is pink, or could be considered borderline.

No jewelry of any type to be worn in front of her except my wedding ring.

Before she knew, I could wear male shirts with flower prints, I still have several. I could wear jewelry and sandals.

" Joanne F ", I own several skirts that are made for men, mostly gothic stuff, can't wear that in front of her either, can't even wear my kilt, she says thats crossdressing...?

[battybattybats]

While too much exposure will certainly be too much to deal with and acceptance if it comes will be gradual how can people get used to something if they are not exposed to it?

One treatment for (many, not all) allergies is lots of carefully controlled small exposures, whereas totally removing the allergen from a persons environment can turna mild allergy into a deadly one as they become progressively more sensitive to it when there is none around them at all.

Certainly for people overcoming sexism and racism or things like arachnophobia gradual exposure sometimes works.

[Andy66]

This is soooo interesting. Reading a few GG threads earlier, almost all the wives/gfs said they didn't mind the dressing, but were hurt because they felt they had been lied to and not trusted (in cases where it took the CDs a long time to come out). Now reading the husbands' point of view, it amazes me how very differently two people can see the same situation. I'm glad I had a chance to read this because we could all use a helluva lot more brutally honest, constructive communication just like this.

This is my point of view as a GG: I like crossdressers and really admire a person who is brave enough to come out. On the other hand, I might get bored of it if that's all my SO ever wanted to do or talk about. This was only a problem once, many years ago when I had a transsexual friend/gf/crush/something who always wanted to go out in matching dresses. I'm really a jeans and t-shirt person, so it got to be a drag (no pun intended) having to get all dressed up just to spend time with her.
That's all. It's not that I didn't want to see her dressed up - she was beautiful. It's just that I wanted to be myself too.

You all seem like wonderful people. I hope you can make your relationships work or meet someone compatible who can appreciate you.