I didn't want to hijack Kim's thread, but she really touched my spirit with her words:
I approached the front desk and realize that the two women working the counter are absolutely stunning. They were both picture perfect Barbie Doll blondes, with the faces and figures of models or movies stars. For just a moment, I feel an almost physical pain in my chest, kind of a longing that is hard to describe. Here I felt like an ugly and tired old man in a skirt, and I was speaking with the exact opposite - a drop dead gorgeous young lady. I know it makes no sense to say you miss something you never had, but sometimes I sort of feel like I was robbed, like I should have had a life like hers, like it’s just not fair that I didn’t get it. I know it's not rational, and that there’s nothing redeeming about envy, but there you have it.
Oh my dear Kim; you have said the very words which play every now and again in my head and spirit. Not many people really understand that inner pain. I am not saying our pain is greater or more worthy than the pain others have (for example of grieving or betrayal), but despite all that I have (which is so much) I still have those times when I really hurt inside. I feel cheated. Never being the girl, the young woman, the person I yearned to express from childhood into adulthood.
Sorry Kim, I am going to steal this too:
Today was a “no confidence” day – I just felt like I was ugly and like everyone seeing me would know exactly what I was. Even before I left the house, I was thinking about taking a shower and going male, but there wasn’t time. I spent the entire day feeling like a man in a skirt, and feeling like people were staring at me. Oh well . . .
I usually post my positive experiences. I suppose its not fair to suggest life is always rosy -it isn't. I too have "no confidence days" - and have a cloud of oppression over me.
I am not asking for sympathy. Just putting the record straight a bit. I seem to be confident and positive, enjoying "the perfect experience" which may cause others some envy of my lifestyle. But, from time to time I still struggle. I am just "a man in a dress."
Thanks Kim for your honesty and ability to say it how it is.
We cant be the only ones to feel like this. Or are we? Any other apparently confident gals who suffer occasional confidence loss and or that inner ache?