Originally Posted by
tess-leigh
I don't know if I'm quite there yet (e.g., I'm still concerned about my job and what would happen if I went open there), but as I wrote in a recent thread, in the last month I have come out as CD/TG to all the "important" people -- GP, sister, mother, best friend. I'm not sure exactly why I did so... so tired of hiding it. In part, getting "validation" that I'm not getting at home -- my wife seems to be on a "What will other people think?" kick (especially about my nails)... well, I talked to the key "other people" and they are at the very least tolerant and semi-understanding, up through to quite accepting.
I'm really feeling the need to get out of my cage of isolation, of not having friends, of not being part of the city "community". I don't mean that I want to dive into the CD / TG community: I'm known to tens of thousands of people over the computer networks, but I'm a stranger- they- recognize to the people who live across the road or live two houses away and I'm a no-body to nearly all of the rest of the city.
But when I cross-dress or go out "gender-bending"... I somehow become "somebody", someone people find interesting and find they like and welcome back. Body language? Just the fact that I smile? I think it's more than that... "Tess" has permission to talk to people, permission to be noticed, permission to accept compliments, permission to ask people questions about themselves, permission to be happy.
There's a boutique in the mall near my place. I went in a couple of times a few years ago to buy things for my wife (I swear -- I'm talking about before I knew I was a cross-dresser... though mind you somehow I did end up trying it on "to see how it looks"...) I got the real "What are you, a male, doing in this store?!" look from the female co-owner. I avoided the store for years even when I was looking for things for my wife. But a couple of months ago, they advertised an "everything must go" liquidation sale, as if they were closing down, so I figured I'd go in anyhow, figuring they'd rather sell the remaining merchandise than be picky about who the sold it to. The male co-owner helped me without difficulty, the woman didn't have much to do with me. Turns out to be an extended moving sale... they know they have to move to a different store in the mall but they haven't been told which yet. So I've gone sometimes since then. The second time, the woman co-owner helped find some things for me. A few more visits, being myself, shopping for myself. The last time, the male co-owner saw me in the hall and waved me in, just to chat, no concern about whether I was buying that day or not; the female co-owner had no concern at all about me being there and I was included as a full participant in the three-way conversation.
The point? I expected opposition but I gave myself permission to go in there regardless of what they might think... and now, a handful of visits later, I'm a "come by and visit with us" customer. Permission to be -me-, permission to get to know other people.
And if I can learn how I manage do it while I'm cross-dressed or TG, I can learn how to do it "all the time" -- to be somebody in "everyday life", no matter how I am dressed, no matter what activity I am engaged in.
Not that I plan to give up cross-dressing... indeed, if my marriage does fall apart, I plan to dress visibly around the yard (including front yard) and in the very local stores -- places were people might not know me by name but know me by sight, maybe even know where I live. The fence I'm getting put up now is extra-tall so that when I'm at liberty to invite over people of my choice, that I can be one of the hosts of the social events without the shy people being worried about being seen.
As it is, after listening to it, I immediately bought a body shaver and have started using Secret deodrant. At work, I'm constantly thinking about myself as a girl in disguise. It was Isabella's recordings that first got me on my goddess kick too. 
