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Thread: Confused

  1. #1
    Member Lori Robins's Avatar
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    Confused

    I am confused. I am a happily married cd with a mostly accepting wife (she let me be the bride when we were married). We have a brady bunch family, my kids are gone with there own lives (girl 23 with own kids and nearly husband, boy living with gf). My wife's kids all live with us, boy19, girls 16 and 11. I am 48 and she is 44. She has known about me right from the start (6 years). My problem is I am getting more and more into girl mode and don't have many opportunuties to dress, which has me getting more and more frustrated. She won't let me tell the kids (I think they know anyway but not sure)and so when I want to go out, I can't coz I have nowhere to get ready. I also find my self more and more attracted to other cd's and find myself wanting to explore my sexuality. This is also tied in with watching a few of my collegues from work die and realising how fragile life really is.
    So hence my dilema. I love my wife and do not want to hurt her, but I also want to get out and experience things before it is too late. Greedy little sucker aren't I!!
    I know there probably isn't an answer out there that I will be happy with, I just felt the need to just express how I feel. I can only see two options, give up the woman I love to explore how I feel, or forever wonder. Hmmm I might just ponder on how difficult life can be sometimes.
    But then again,I have a wonderful lady, kids who love me, grandkids who love me (but are to young to know it yet LOL how could they not?) a job I really enjoy and summer is coming (well in the southern part of the world).
    But then again its the many major decisions in life that suck, like can I get away with a bikini or does a 48 yo need a one piece????
    I think its way to hard sometimes
    IF IT FEELS GOOD, DO IT!!

  2. #2
    Aspiring Member
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    Sounds a little like male (female) menopause. The hormones are ruling your desires.

    Most times the having turns out to be not nearly as good as the wanting. One's imagination is always better than the real thing and it's largely disappointment once you get there.

    If you choose this course, you may then find that you will also lose what you have now and you might never be able to go back.

  3. #3
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    Been there - Done that

    Hi Lori: I bet we've all felt the same at one time or another.....I have a simple system to keep things in balance for me. I try to remember the relative improtance of the various parts of my life, then act accordingly!!!

    For example if my CDing upsets something my wife has planned, then the CDing stops. Why, because my wife's happiness falls in a higher level than my CDing.

    In another example if my pals want me to go motorcycling and I'm planning a cd day....well the motorcycling goes by the wayside.....Cuz it's the lesser in importance to me.

    Life is a group of people,places, and experiences that envelop a persons being....The direction our life takes depends on the relative importance we assign to each.

    Good luck!! Danielle

  4. #4
    Executive Transvestite KimberlyJo's Avatar
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    I have alot of those same feelings Lori, but I have already made my choice to ignore those desires and focus on what really matters the most to me in my life. And that is my wife and kids. My family is the most treasured thing in my life and I personally have realized that to risk losing that would be the worst thing in the world.

    So I can't dress as much as I want (my wife knows but hasn't reached acceptance [yet]) and I can't explore all my urges, it doesn't matter because I already have more than I could possibly reasonably hope for.

    Take a long honest look at what you have and then make your decision. That's the best advice I can offer.
    [SIZE="3"]Viva la Revolucion!![/SIZE]

    If you can't be honest with your SELF
    Then you can't really live YOUR life.


    Man ---- ME ---- WOMAN

  5. #5
    Member Veronica75's Avatar
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    There was just a thing on NPR last week about looking at the prospect of having an affair through an economically based cost-benefit model. Basically a lot of guys (and girls) making their decisions based on what the benefits were, and if those outweighed the costs (monetary and otherwise, also real and potential) and that the decisions end up being made similarly to economic decisions, based on the available data and the relative value of various things for various people.

    This is exactly the same thing. You simply need to weigh what is important to you and act in the way that creates the greatest benefit and the least cost.

    I'm lucky in that I acted on all my impulses BEFORE I got married, so I was able to ascribe a much lower value to any extramarital experiences, which has increased the relative value of my "real life".

    Bottom line, you need to know yourself and go with what is best for you. But I do recommend thinking it through with your head, and not letting your heart call the shots.

  6. #6
    Gold Member TxKimberly's Avatar
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    Hmm . . . interesting post and clearly from the heart.

    You brought up a number of points, so I'll try and attack em one by one.

    Your wife clearly is somewhat tolerant. My wife and I speak about my "Kim" life often and freely. She has made me many things, bought me many things, and advised me on things i was considering, etc. Even as accepting as she is, she would have freaked at the very thought of my being the bride.
    Your post makes it clear that you already know this - your wife has done at least her fair share.

    Exploring your sexuality. Curiosity, and maybe especially sexual curiosity is a powerful thing. Nothing wrong with admitting that the curiosity exists, but the facts is the facts - you are married, so don't go there. I am maybe a freak of nature in this modern world - I have only made love to one woman in my entire life - my wife of 22 years. Not so much these days, but when I was younger, it was often an incredibly strong curiosity that I had, wondering what it would have been like to "be" with another woman. As I advised you though, I am married, so I acknowledged the curiosity and moved on.

    Transitioning? In my opinion, it's the same answer as above. Your married. I might get flamed for saying this, but in my opinion, unless your wife has known about this desire, and has agreed to support you through it, it is tantamount to abandoning your wife. I couldn't do it.

    Not having any opportunities. I realize that like my own country, Australia is truly huge. Perhaps you live some place hundreds of miles from another human being. It that's NOT the case though, odds are good that you are no more than an hour or two from someplace where others like us may hang out for the evening. In the last few years, I've seen a LOT of TGirls from Australia join this forum, so I know there are a lot of us there. Have you looked for any groups in your area?

  7. #7
    Member gabe's Avatar
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    Let's examine what you have. You are happily married to a wonderful and understanding wife, you have children and grandchildren who love you, on top of that a job that you really enjoy. For most people that would be perfect harmony.

    Knowing that life is fragile and fleeting, are you appreciating what you have, and let those around you know how much they mean to you? Are you spending enough time with those who matter to you? Are you doing enough to give back to those, and others, who have made your life so wonderful thus far? There is a lot more to life than just our needs, there are those who need us. Agree?

    If it all disappeared tomorrow would you feel complete and satisfied without crossdressing being part of your routine? For sure life would be more complete if CD is part of it too. But if you have to make a choice of keeping what you have and a closet full of fem clothing and all the time by yourself to dress and explore, what would it be? If you think that you need both to be happy then it is time to ease it into the routine and open to those who care about you, hopefully they can share your passion to dress and explore.

    I am lucky in the sense that I can have both, but I have the luxury of starting very early on with my family such that CD is a package deal. I gave up my CD for the moment, but that is a personal comical choice for another post.

    Good luck to you.

  8. #8
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    You have told us your wants, but have you sat down with your wife who has supported you bthus far and asked her thoughts on the subject. As for a place to dress without the kids a camper (Karavan) maybe the answer. Could prepare yourself in it on your property or away on holiday (even if only for a few hours). Just a thought. I think I would give it a lot of thought to go behind her back given how she has been in the past. Let us know how every thing works out.

  9. #9
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    I think you need to get out of the "before it's too late" frame of mind. You're 48 now, you could look back and think about all the opportunity "lost" if you had only explored all this when you were 24. If you have a loving and mostly accepting wife then the chances to dress and explore this side of yourself will come. Sure, any of us could die today. But I suspect that if I were to pass away this afternoon I'd not be lamenting the lost opportunities.

  10. #10
    Gender Outlaw! vikki2020's Avatar
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    I really don't have an answer, but I do understand the question! I'm kind of in the same boat as you, Lori. It's getting more difficult to dress for me, and my desire to dress gets stronger and stronger. Also the desire to explore sexually is getting stronger. When I was younger, I could do both at will, and after a very long hiatus, I also feel as if I'm running out of time. I don't know. I slog along, and I know my real life is what's important. I just deal with it, knowing that what I have right now is great, and try not to be too stupid!
    "And if you want some fun, sing Ob-Bla-Di-Bla-Da!"

  11. #11
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    KimberleyTx. I guess there are two of us freaks of nature, at least! I am 55, never had sex with anyone in person, yet. But, have lusted in my heart solo, more than a time or two. I applaud you, and anyone else, who have been faithful, to their mates. It takes character.

  12. #12
    Member Lori Robins's Avatar
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    Thanks girls

    Thanks for all your comments girls. I know I am lucky with my wife and yes she does know I want to explore and we do discuss it. But as she said, and I understand this and agree, I can't have it both ways. I think I will just have to accept and be grateful for my lot in life (I hope I didn't sound like I am not happy, I am, I just sometimes I wonder how green the grass really is lol)
    IF IT FEELS GOOD, DO IT!!

  13. #13
    Senior Member dawnmarrie1961's Avatar
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    Lori, you all ready answered the question when you said, and I quote your own words, "I love my wife and do not want to hurt her".

    So don't.

    There are no "buts" in life!
    Buts are for sitting on!
    So sit on yours and stay home with your wife. Acceptance will only get you so far so don't push the boundaries unless you want to take the chance of losing her and your "Brady bunch: family.
    CANCER IS A BITCH SO YOU HAVE TO BE MORE OF A BITCH TO BEAT IT.

  14. #14
    Senior Age Member sissystephanie's Avatar
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    Lori, I heartily concur with what others have said! You did say it ourself, "I love my wife and do not want to hurt her!" Then don't do ANYTHING that might hurt her!

    Especially don't explore your sexuality with anyone else! Doing so could expose both of to problems you really don't want. I am of the old school, like KimberlyTX. I was a virgin when I married at age 23, and the only woman I have ever had sex with was my lovely bride, who was with me for 49+ years until I lost her to cancer. Since the only woman I would ever want to marry now is already married, I guess I will be celibate for the rest of my life!

    The children will grow up, and probably move out. Then you will be more free to dress as you like, since your wife has already shown her support. Bear with it for now, and let your wife know that you love her above everything else.
    Stephanie

    Lady on the outside, but man underneath!

  15. #15
    Member ginafaye's Avatar
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    gee it looks alot like my situation ,but for me i decided family ,and prsenting tradictionl role models for the kids and grandkids was best i just keep ginafaye private for me and my wife in our alone time its enough forme

  16. #16
    Silver Member DanaR's Avatar
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    My wife took me out for a weekend, a couple of years ago, to a nearby city. It was a chance for me to dress for a couple of days and forget some of the things that were going on. There is a transgender convention that is held in the same hotel that we stayed in, so the hotel staff was accepting.

    My kids have all moved out, but sometimes there are other things that get in the way.
    Dana Ryan

  17. #17
    Member Davinnia's Avatar
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    Hi, Lori,
    This crossdressing thing can really play mindgames on you !
    I have a very sound philosophy in live, especially when I hear people complaining about life.

    If you get upset about what you don't have in life, you'll never be happy, if you look at what you do have compared to others, you should be very happy indeed.

    You have so much as a crossdresser that many on this forum would dearly love to have.
    You have an accepting, loving partner, you got married in a wedding dress in Vegas, for goodness sake ! You're only 48 with many years dressing ahead, hopefully. And you look very attractive & passable. Also, you have a wonderful family. Would you want to risk all in order to explore your sexuality? There's nothing wrong in finding other CDs attractive. After al, we all go to a lot of effort to be attractive & look as passable as we can.That's as far as it should go for CDers with an SO.
    What more could you want compared to so many here who are in the closet or have SOs who hate the whole idea of CDing.
    Be grateful for what you do have & even if you only go out dressed occasionally, it's still more than I & many others have ever done.
    In other words, put everything in perspective & relax a bit.

  18. #18
    Aspiring Member Susan.'s Avatar
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    I could have written your post just earlier today. I am in a similar situation, but wouldn't ever want to hurt my wife. I do have more opportunity to dress than you because there are no kids in the house. Anyway, I've decided not to explore my sexuality. I made my decision with the help of a dear GG friend.

  19. #19
    Junior Member stephaniesacd's Avatar
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    Lori, I have to completely agree with all the other responses you have gotten. I too have a loving and understanding wife who I love dearly and who accepts me as I am, Stephanie included. Whenever we plan things, if Stephanie can be involved then great, if not then she is not involved. I have also wondered about exploring sexuality. I have been divorced twice after my ex spouses cheated on me (neither one knew about my CD'ing) and I know the hurt firsthand that that course of action can result in. The reality almost never comes close to the fantasy and you end up loosing everything that you hold dear now. My best advice is to hold your wife tightly, tell her you love her dearly every day, and try to do the little things to show her how much she means to you, and enjoy and appreciate the life you have and the loved ones around you. It is alot more than alot of people have. Good luck and my best wishes to you.

  20. #20
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    Go on, ya big lug...

    You don't sound confused to me - you sound like you know what you want and you're looking for a way to get it.

    Yes, I read about the talks you've had with your wife, and, how you know better than to do it. But... It's still there.

    Think on this. On the practical side - get out of town, get a hotel, get busy with the going out on your own idea. If you're still into it, after what you're going to see and do in the world you're talking about, then wild horses aren't going to hold you back.

    And, think on this. Sexual fantasies about men are about as realistic as sexual fantasies about women. You're a man, at some level, so you know what I'm talking about. We're not all that and five cents all the time. And, ever "do" some chick and think, "Well, that was interesting... But, I guess I'm lucky I don't live with her and her five turtles."

    You need to get out and get some reality and get this notion safely satisfied. Safely... Try not to get sick or killed in the process. You may be dumb about this, but since it's not an awful world, you'll probably have some experiences and then go home wiser and no less happy for having tried.

    Then, every time you think about it, you can remind yourself, "No. Even I know how that really goes..."

    And, you can join the "get real" chorus with the rest of us.

    Good luck.

  21. #21
    Breakin' social taboos TGMarla's Avatar
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    I completely concur with what Kimberly said above. It's fine to be curious, but you already made your commitment, and anything over and above that commitment is tantamount to abandonment. Don't go there.

    You married her, and you had your eyes wide open when you did it. It is not right to say, "Yeah, but that was then, and I feel differently now."

    Any money found in the laundry is MINE!


    "This is no social crisis....this is me having fun!"

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  22. #22
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    Communicate!

    >>You married her, and you had your eyes wide open when you did it. It is not right to say, "Yeah, but that was then, and I feel differently now."


    Talk!

    It's absolutely the right thing to say now if that's the way he feels now.

    If he and the wife don't communicate, then she's got less say-so in what he does and doesn't do in their life together.

    She's got the right to know and he has the obligation to tell her.

    He did, she knows, they're talking about it.

    Good luck to them both.

  23. #23
    Silver Member Dragster's Avatar
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    There's several of you here who claim to have have made love with only one woman in their life, their wife. I'm also in that club, and we've just celebrated 40 years together! Is this another feature that's more common within the CD community than outside it?

    I've also no desire to "stray", either with another woman or a man, dressed or not! Have I wondered what it would be like with someone else? Of course I have, but I wouldn't act on it; I love and respect my wife far too much for that. I've also wondered what it would be like for us to make love with both of us dressed in our sexy lingerie; now that is one thing I would do, if only she'd change her mind about CDing!

    Tony

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