Sister stated no forgiveness for who i am

[dancer1]

She found out about my CD and can not forgive me for the selfishness that i imposed on her, and that as we grew up i was her rock and her rock didnt apear in a dress. She wrote a letter of discuss and was a last time she spoke with me.
Now five years later as my son heads back for his second tour of duty in iraq,
he was on leave and stoped by her house, and questioned why we never talk about each other or vist, and he racalled another time where we there for each other, so she cryed and could tell him, so he asked me and i told him that the answer right now would only cloud your judgement and in a combat sisuation you need to focus on your mission.
But i will resolve the issue and things will be like they were befor when you return home.
The first time i have ever had to lie to him how selfish is that of me, once again she proves her point.
So i went to her house to say hello and see if there has been a change in her impression of me. And she said no that she could never accept it or share the concept on any leval.
And asked me to leave and said telling my boy would only hurt him as much as i hurt her.
I never meant to bring her into Nadeens life, and it was a mistake on my part and by mistake she found out and i only question if i was forthright would the outcome be differnt.
It has now become a issue with my wife since my son left and he asked her and she said she failed to correct a charector defect in me 24 years ago but that would not be the case anymore when he come home.
So she demanded that every thing of Nadeen existance disapper from the residence or live that way of life somewhere else.
How it sucks to be me right now but i come back to this forum tonight cause it not a way of life its just me.
I have found the comfort of this forum and to be able to share and i dont know what tomorow will bring but in the interm i would like to say thanks to every one here best wishes to all. Love Nadeen

[MissConstrued]

She found out about my CD and can not forgive me for the selfishness that i imposed on her,

So just exactly what is it she won't forgive you for? What is the nature of the selfishness you imposed on her?

Inquiring minds wish to know.

[Marcia Blue]

[SIZE="2"]I feel for you. It is a shame that your sister is so closed minded. She could at the very least ask that it not be brought up again, and let sleeping dogs lie. I have a sister who is a lesbian or really appears to be. Every time I see her she looks more and more butch. She has never come out to us, yet. She has had the same SO for over 25 years.
Most of the family considers them a couple and we invite them to everything. I hope your sister reconsiders.
Huggs (you need a lot of them) [/SIZE]

[Melissa Rose]

I hope your sister has a change of heart and recognizes you are the same person regardless of your desired outer appearance. I feel for you. Having a loved one shun or reject you is painful. You will always be accepted and loved here. Perhaps tomorrow or the next day will be better. Big hug.

[Angie G]

I sorry to hear your sister is being this way. It's not right your sister won't At least try to understand why you do what you do. Just ermember your not a bad person.
Angie

[Andy66]

Wow. I don't want to say anything mean about your sister and wife, but... wow.

I think a lot depends on how tolerant of people your son is, and how you tell him what's going on. Yes -- how YOU tell him.

If he doesn't know, there's no telling what horrible things could be running through your son's mind - things much worse than the truth. Do you want him trying to do his job while wondering? And don't you think he'd rather hear it from you than from your wife or sister? He'll probably hear about your crossdressing eventually one way or another. It's your choice whose side he hears first, and how brave or spineless you appear.

[MissVirginia-Mae]

I hope someday soon your sister can recogize you for who you are....
Stay strong, Sweetie

[Aubrey Green]

Sorry for the bad case senario. Acceptance is the hardest with family. They will accept or not. It has been 5 years, continue to be who you are. She will see you are the same person she remembers growing up. She just did not know when you two were younger.
My prayers are with your son also. May he return safely. A friend my mine's brother is going back for the 3rd time in Sept.

[Bethany38]

Nadeen, I know that you are having a hard time of this, but this reaction you are getting from your Sis is not a fault with you. It is a fault of hers. This as we all know is something that cannot be changed, if we could I am sure some of us would have a long time ago. I wish that you are able to find some sort of comfort. Know that as long as this place is here there are understanding souls.

[sterling12]

I always try and apply a simple question for this type of situation.

If someone loved you, would they ask you to amputate your arm? Especially when there is no disease in that arm and it harms no one. Asking you to give up your femme-self, is the same type of demand. It's only going to hurt YOU, probably make you crazy, and it's not going to help them.

If your sister felt betrayed by you many years ago, she's a grown woman and it's time to get over it. Your both growing older and I would think that it's important that you two have some type of relationship for your remaining days. Everything else is not important compared to that simple fact! You are not a serial killer. On the face of it, I don't understand her obstinance.

Why your wife is suddenly making demands is unclear. But, you have raised a son to productive manhood, and I would imagine you have been a pretty good spouse, or you wouldn't have been together this long. Maybe it is your wife who needs to make a choice? Once again, love doesn't make demands...it only tries to find compromise and to further love. I wouldn't settle for anything less than that.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Cheshire Gummi]

Stand up for yourself, Nadeen! You have to! If you let her convince you that you're "defective," then you just become one more story the bigots can wave in our faces of someone trying to "recover" from being "one of those people."

[Mollyanne]

Hi Nadeen, I read and re-read your post trying to find a reason or a bunch of them as to why your sister has this hateful attitude towards you. I can understand her if she said she didn't ever want to see you dressed but this is not the case here. Her utter disregard for you is appalling and should NEVER happen!!! I also find your wife's attitude of demand is on the same level. When things quite down a bit try to discuss this situation w/your wife and see if a compromise can be worked out. What ever the outcome you will have to talk to your son and be honest w/him as to what happened within the family when he come home from Iraq. I wish you peace and happiness as you certainly deserve both.

Mollyanne

[Sarah_GG]

Very sad. And it wasn't her place to tell your son who I'm sure he'll be a lot more broad-minded on the issue than your sister. Please don't feel bad. You are who you are.

[PetiteDuality]

I wouldn't judge the sister too fast. She just doesn't know much about CD. She thinks that this is something that her brother is doing that hurts them and that could be easily avoided buy him. She just is not aware about what CD really is.

I'd suggest to have a long talk with her, explain things, give her material to read. Reaffirm that you love her very much, that you can still be her rock if she wants. That your love for her has not changed or will not changed, even if her love towards you changes.

Don't trade her incomprehension for another bad feeling from you. You'd be doing the same thing than hers.

[Teri Jean]

Your sister and wife are closed minded and no you are not being selfish. The other side of the coin is your son does need to keep his focus while he is overseas. You are right not to cloud his mind and during the time he is gone it would be good to resolve as much as you can. But do not bring him into the discussion if all possible. It may seem like you are lieing to him but he will be fine and understand no matter what the outcome.

Teri, Navy Vet

[TSchapes]

Did it occur to you that your sister was selfish in blaming you for the breakup? Then compounding the problem by saying it was something mysteriously wrong with you? Planting all kinds of horrendous notions in your son's head? And your wife does the pile on...character flaw? What the heck is that?

Both of these fine upstanding examples of people have forgotten about your son and his feelings. Especially when he's about to embark on such an important mission. I'm so concerned about what's going through his head right now.

This kind of stuff just drives me nuts. I'm sorry I'm ranting, but if more people were out and at least out to their SO prior to marriage, etc. This kind of thing would not happen. And if your wife did knew prior to your wedding vows than she's got more explaining to do.

Nadeen I hope you are able to come out of this. Truth may be your only option.

Love, Tracy

[mklinden2010]

Why do you need her forgiveness? What did you do to her besides live your own life?

As Steve Martin would say, "Weeeeell, excuuuussseee meeee!"

Meanwhile, why are YOU being so forgiving of her unkind and unloving behavior?

And..., beating yourself up all this time in the process?

If she can't get over that it's not a perfect world, if she can't accept that you can be as different as anyone else, if she wants a relationship with you only on her terms - just do without her.

Seems like you pretty much are anyway. What a crab.

As to your son and wife - defuse that problem.

"Honey, relax. Nothing about me, us, him, her, has actually changed. Chill."

"Son, I've very proud of you. You're a fine young man. Now, me... I have to tell you something about myself and I'm hoping you can overlook what a lot of people might think is a huge flaw. But, just because I'm your Dad doesn't mean I'm not a man with pluses and minuses. I, uh, well, it's silly really, but..."

With any luck at all your son is seeing plenty of life in his deployments and to his seasoned mind and eyes, this may not wind up being the "big deal" he was thinking it might be between your sister and yourself. Given that he's dealing with life and death daily, he may decide his aunt, all things considered, is being pretty petty about what you do on your own time...

Thanks for posting.

Good luck.

[dawnmarrie1961]

Nadeen, I'm sorry you feel that you had to lie to you son. I also feel sorry for your sister because she doesn't really see the big picture.

I have a big sister that is in the military. We went in at about the same time back in 79.I helped her get into shape for it.while I got out after my 3 yr hitch she decided to make a career of it. Met her husband and started a family. She's already 4 tours in Iraq and she's there again right now.

A few years back when I was going through some problems she let me stay at her place in VA. She was never aware of my cding when we were growing up and was even more shocked when she saw me now. She asked me why I had done all these things to myself. I told her that this is who I've always been . She wanted to know more so she spent a lot of time on line researching and trying to understand. when I explained to her about this being my "choice" she got very anger. She could not understand why somebody would chose to put themselves and their family through this kind of thing. When I showed her how easy it was for me to find employment and interact with other people she found it to be "amazing". Her husband on the other hand didn't feel comfortable having me around. Understandable. So I quickly got my own place. When my son moved up to stay with me, because he wasn't getting along with his mother and little sister, my sister got to see and hear first hand what kind of problems my choice had caused for my son. Even though my son would say to me that he OK with me, even though he didn't understand, when he talked to my sister he would focus on the negative. She started to become very angry with me told me I was "selfish and a bad father." She stopped talking to me after that.

Point is: No matter how hard you try to explain yourself some people just aren't ready to "get it" yet. Even sometimes the ones you wish the most would. That's the sad part. The hope is that some day they will come around. Just keep trying. But don't expect "acceptance" from them. Expect it from yourself. Accept the things you can't change and chip away at the things you can. Chip away with LOVE. You will be surprised at the outcome.

Be safe. Be smart.

[LisaM]

I feel sorry for you, Nadeen. You have done nothing wrong outside of being yourself---we don't have a choice in this. I am not going to say anything bad about either your sister or spouse but I wish they can learn a little bit more about this gender condition--it might open their eyes.

[MJ]

I feel so bad for you sis. my brother and sister feel the same way about me.

so i understand

[Julogden]

Hi Nadeen,

Sounds to me like the selfish one is your sister. Don't beat yourself up over this any more. She's the one that needs to do some changing.

Carol

[Jessica Who]

I am very sorry to hear about your situation, but don't feel guilty for being you. I think your sister has a bit of growing up to do, for she is the one being selfish.

Family members should show each other unconditional love and although it is not always easy, it is something that must be done.

[Ranma]

I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I hope it all works out well for you. Sorry i don't have any Sage advice.

[mklinden2010]

I don't get this canard of "choice" that keeps coming up, even on these pages...

What does it matter if you chose it or not? Who cares and why should they? It just is... Leave it be. Chose not to talk about choice as if YOU would chose anything else. Your preference is yours alone - only you need wonder about it. And, you don't have to that if you don't care to.

Until recently, most polls indicated vanilla was the favorite ice cream flavor. It apparently is now number 2... Did anyone ever ask why more people liked that flavor and did anyone ever try to defend their "choice" when they indicated a flavor? It would be nearly pointless to try - and you'd only care if you sold ice cream anyway, or, wanted Dad to buy your favorite instead of little sister's... Mostly though, it's just a matter of how you're put together, what you got used to, what you "like" and so forth. Nothing more. As for God, God oughta know what we're all up to and God seems content to leave us be. Sound familiar?

If you think about it, two kids arguing over "Which is better.. chocolate or vanilla; ford or chevy?" is going to sound a lot like these unimportant, non-vital arguments about crossdresser or not, gay or straight, pota-toe/pota-taa. That three kids could argue and that two of them might "out vote" the other isn't proof of anything but that 66% is a defined majority. It's not really a "win" of any kind and doesn't make for right OR wrong.

Freedom is the word we use to allow people free choice in how they engage in THEIR "pursuit of happiness."

So, give it up, folks. It doesn't matter why you like something, it's that you like something. If you chose anything, you chose to do what YOU like and you have no more chance of changing yourself than you do of changing anyone else.

Live free or - live less free. Free is better... Go for that.

[TxKimberly]

From what you wrote here, you did NOT lie to your son. Refusing to answer his question does not make it a lie. You declined to answer his question AND you gave him a good reason for doing so. Out of all of this mess, that is nothing you should feel bad about.
My older brother knows about me but my big sister does not. I have been obsessing about telling her before she finds out from my brother or his daughters (who he told with out asking me) and now I'm scared. I'm about 90% sure my sister would not react as poorly as yours did, but 90% is not positive.

I'm so sorry - I wish there was some advice I could give to make it better for you, but damned if anything comes to mind. Stay strong, keep your head up, and keep plowing forward - that's all I can tell you, and all I do myself when confronted with bad situations that are beyond my ability to resolve.