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Thread: The sad tale of we older guys

  1. #1
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    The sad tale of we older guys

    My beloved wife of fifty years died in January this year, so I am now alone in this cruel world. We married young, just before my twenty-first birthday, and she was twenty one; some foureen months older than I. We had a long and happy life together, raising three kids before settling into contented middle age with our children and grandchildren around us. For no apparent reason, our younger daughter died four years ago at age thirty-nine and her mother never really got over that loss. Children aren't supposed to die before their parents.

    I hate to admit it, but I have been a CDer (or a fetish CDer) since long before we married. My wife discovered that quirk after thirty years of marriage, through carelessness on my part, and could never accept it. She trashed my stash, only to find another stash a year or so later, when she really 'hit the roof'. To all intents and purposes, that was the end of our marriage; but we did stay together. Back in our day one married for better or for worse, but the 'worse' was not something she could accept. Her husband of thirty years was a bl**dy weirdo. What attraction could he possibly find in women's clothing? And so our intimacy ended. We still loved each other. I certainly couldn't have faced life without her, and I think she had reached the stage where she could turn a blind eye to my idiosyncrasies. I was banished from her bed. Do whatever the h*ll you want, as long as I don't have to bl**dy see it. And she didn't see it. I stopped dressing, although I still longed for the tautness of a bra around my chest and a pair of nylon panties caressing my buttocks. God, I would have given anything if only she could have accepted me for what I was.

    Ten years ago she suffered a heart attack and was in hospital for three or four weeks. But we.overcame that and she made an almost full recovery. Then four years ago she had a second massive heart attack. For the first four weeks she was completely comotose in intensive care, then spent a further six months in hospital. Over those seven months, I daily drove the thirty-odd miles to be at her bedside. All thought of CDing was pushed aside. It was towards the end of that period that our daughter died. My beloved wife felt so helpless, being stuck in a hospital.

    She was eventually discharged, but had lost the use of her legs. Consequently, she had to be hoisted out of bed on to a commode each morning so she could do her ablutions, then be hoisted into a wheelchair for the rest of the day. But life was good. My wife was home, and I tended to her needs. She was diagnosed as diabetic and then needed insulin injections three times a day in addition to her other medications. During that time a never before experienced closeness developed. We were no longer in a You and I situation. It was 'Us' against the world. No matter what life would throw at us.

    We now come back to my CDing. Whilst she was dozing or watching television from her bed of an evening, I would don a skirt with pantyhose and heels to spend an hour or two in my study, catching up with things on my computer; returning to male wear before settling her down for the night, or whenever she called for assistance. I'd then sleep in a nylon nightdress and panties. I know that in doing that I was feeding my own selfish needs, but oh how I wished (as her 'nurse') that I could boldly strut into her bedroom in the morning wearing a skirt and heels. That would however have been a bit too much.

    And now she has gone. I can never, ever, 'come out' to her. Whether she would have accepted me in later life I will never know. Recalling her disgust and revulsion in finding my stash twenty years ago, I very much doubt it; but I was still the guy she married.

    This has been a l-o-ng posting, and I apologise for that (if anyone bothers to read it). But I may well be typical of guys in our situation. I admire those who have had the courage to come clean with their SOs, and am extremely envious of the few who seem to have SOs who accept us for what we are.

    So here I am. Sitting at my computer wearing a satin blouse with a knee length straight skirt, a bra with forms, full-length slip, suspender belt (garter belt) with stockings, and heels, clip-on earrings, a matching necklace and bracelet. And what do I feel? I feel I am a stupid old widower person with little or nothing to live for. My life ended with my wife's death. I look at the photographs of you transformed and gorgeous younger people, and wonder what might have been if I were but forty years younger.

  2. #2
    Senior Member dawnmarrie1961's Avatar
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    Kathy, I am sorry for your loss. She sounds like a wonderful person and I know you miss her dearly. I know she is up there in heaven , unfettered by the all those earthly shackles, looking down on you and smiling. Her eyes are clear of all earthly fog and she sees the beauty of who you really are and that makes her happy. She realizes now how important those clothes were to you and is sorry she threw them away. And she looks forward to reuniting with you in the future. But not now. You've got a lot more life to live. Remember you are never alone so long as you have friends and family to love.
    My weight does not define me.

  3. #3
    Transman Andy66's Avatar
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    That is so sad. I read somewhere that when you lose or break up with a partner, the amount of time it takes to really get over the loss is about equal to the amount of time you were together. I've found that to be true, for shorter relationships at least. I can only begin to imagine what it must be like in your case. Poor you.

    I hope you can find some distraction and maybe a few friends here. You might also have some valuable insight to offer some people.

  4. #4
    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
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    Kathy,

    I am with DawnMarie. God works in many mysterious ways, different for each one of us. Now is your time to let Kathy flourish to whatever point you want to take her. Go slow, enjoy, and, by all means, live. I am a very late bloomer in all of this and after a successful bout with cancer a few short years ago, I now plan to live and enjoy life as much as I can. I can honestly say that after a very full and enriching life so far, I am actually happier and more at ease now (while still in the closet and single) than probably any other time of my life. Go for it, you deserve it.

    Hugs,

    Allie

  5. #5
    Big Sister Nicki B's Avatar
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    So, what you are saying is that you had good times together and bad times - that you have memories that warm you, and an opportunity now to take the freedom to be the person you want to be?


    As long as we're alive, people live on, in us. But you owe it to them and to yourself to live the time you are given to the full? Life takes you places you never expected it to - that's what makes it interesting..
    Nicki

    [SIZE="1"]Moi?[/SIZE]

  6. #6
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    Kathy,

    I really feel for your loss. I just lost my father and I understand the conflicting emotions. Time will give you some peace--it generally does.

    I had some conflicts with my father and on the night he was buried I had a wonderful dream that helped me (I shared it with my siblings) and my siblings reach a type of peace with him. Try to give it some time--but I agree that the young people today are blessed by the new ways of communication and the steps toward acceptance.

    I will keep you in my thoughts.

  7. #7
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    [SIZE="2"][COLOR="Black"[/COLOR][/SIZE]
    Hi, Dawn.

    Thank you for your response. Although I am a basic believer, and an ordained elder of our Church (albeit now inactive), I am afraid I do not whole-heartedly believe in a 'hereafter' where we gloriously meet our loved ones. I await my own passing because I have nothing left to live for. My wife has gone. I will wear a skirt in secrecy for as long as I can, but I really must rid myself of all this femme stuff before my family discover what 'dad' was really like. Having passed my allotted 'three score years and ten' I ought to be dumping all of that stuff NOW.

    I have heard it said that we can live for ten years before the need to cross-dress returns, so now is probably the time to put a stop to it. But after fifty-odd years it's going to be difficult.

  8. #8
    Gold Member TxKimberly's Avatar
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    I am SO saddened to hear of your wife's passing. My wife and I have been married "only" 22 years, and I just couldn't imagine life with out her. I am so sorry for your loss.

    Welcome to the forum. :-)

  9. #9
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    Sounds about right...

    >>>So here I am. Sitting at my computer wearing a satin blouse with a knee length straight skirt, a bra with forms, full-length slip, suspender belt (garter belt) with stockings, and heels, clip-on earrings, a matching necklace and bracelet. And what do I feel? I feel I am a stupid old widower person with little or nothing to live for. My life ended with my wife's death. I look at the photographs of you transformed and gorgeous younger people, and wonder what might have been if I were but forty years younger.


    Been there, did that... Lived anyway... Glad I did.

    You sound about like how you should sound at the end of a long chapter in your life. The new chapter hasn't really started yet (you'll see), and it's probably not clear to you yet, but from here on out it's YOUR life, not you and your wife's life. That chapter ended when the, "'til death do us part," clause of the marriage contract kicked in.

    So, grieve the passing of time, the passing of long loves, and find something (new) to do every day. You'll make plenty of mistakes and it will take a year (or, two, three, five...) but so long as you take care of yourself and eat, rest, exercise you'll be around to think up and try out new things and you'll be glad you had this extra lap in life.

    The past is done. When you let go of more and more of it, you'll find yourself plenty busy and plenty involved in your increasingly improving life. But, you have to let go as you go.

    Good luck with that.

    Give yourself all the credit in the world for all you have done, and let that give you some confidence to go forward to other things and other people.

  10. #10
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    I responded to Dawnmarie's initial response before I read all of your other comments. I am truly overwhelmed. I can't imagine that so many people would care about an old git like me.

    For the first time in my life I feel welcome. I am not a solitary weirdo, and I thank you for that. Where do I go from here? I don't know. But I am encouraged.

  11. #11
    The Girl Next Door Sally24's Avatar
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    You should feel really lucky that you found your "Love". Many don't find someone to share their whole life with. I've been married to my soul mate for 31 years and try to imagine what I will do if she passes first. I can't clearly remember a time when we weren't together.............

    Hang on to your memories of the good times and enjoy them like classic movies, they never lose their magic!!
    Sally

  12. #12
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    Kathy,your story is a remarkable love story. You put her needs before yours right to the end. I love my wife,and she doesn't know about Kristy,but I'm not sure if I could've been as strong as you. I hope that you can find the inner peace that you truly deserve.

  13. #13
    VSJ Victoria StJohn's Avatar
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    May The Sun Shine Each Day

    Kathy, I'm sorry for the lost of your love one and difficult times, these past few years. As time goes on, I'm sure things will become easier, but it will be a challenge. You seem so sensitive and caring, especially looking after your wife all those years and showing your love for her. I only wish I could but into words my thoughts for you at this time. You will find many friends here who will help to keep you strong and giving encouragement for the future. May the sun shine each day for you and keep your future bright. Cheers, VSJ

  14. #14
    Senior Member dawnmarrie1961's Avatar
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    Everyone needs someone or something to cling to in a time of turmoil when the world seems to have taken a turn for the worst and in the distant horizon all we see are dark clouds ahead. For some it is religious belief, what so ever their faith may be, that comforts them. For others it is a return to the behaviors of the past, so long as they are not self destructive, that gives them the strength to carry on. Or a combination of both. Equally important as each serves are certain need.

    My wife,thankfully, is still with us. But we realize that we can not be together anymore, for obvious reasons. But the pain that I feel for her loss, although it holds no comparison to yours, is great indeed. Sometimes I question how I will ever make it another day without her. But I do. I have to . Each new day lived is a great gift. Don't waste it.

    You may chose to hide that part of you that think is so undesirable and shameful but in the fullness of time all truths are eventually revealed even after we have all been shaken off the mortal coil of life. My father is still alive but if he passes and I find out that I never really knew him at all that would be another hurt I would have a problem dealing with.

    I don't know who it was that said these words, "...you must know your father so that you may better know yourself....", OK ,maybe it was Star Wars. But do you get the point?
    My weight does not define me.

  15. #15
    We are all related! Charlena's Avatar
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    Kathy, you took care of your wife when she needed you, and you stayed together because you loved each other. If you could maybe just find one person you could confide in the loneliness might not be so overwelming. My wife of 28 years was in the hospital 16 months ago and I thought she might not come home. But she did and I am very glad for during that time I reliazed how empty the house was. I am here if you want to PM me. Good thoughts to you my friend. You are a truly good person. Charlena

  16. #16
    Loving Life Dressing Jill's Avatar
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    My tears are flowing down my face. That is so sad. I feel for you.
    .
    I am Nobody-- Nobody is perfect so therefore I am perfect


    There is always room for more friends in my heart

    Jill

  17. #17
    I yam what I yam,
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    Thumbs up Sadness and Grief at a severe loss

    Grieve your loss, Kathy. Grief is like a mud hole in the road. The only way out of it is THROUGH it. When you have a loss, you must grieve or you never heal from the pain of the loss. Then comes, soon, the day when again the sun shines and the flowers bloom. We "elders" must remember what an old NY Yankee catcher once said and apply it to your life: About a base ball game Casey Stingle once in his inimitable way observed: "It ain't over 'till it's over." Let's let be our life too. Jaye... (Senior Lady!)

  18. #18
    Toronto, Canada Alicia_cd's Avatar
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    i'm sorry for your loss...

    Do you really feel that you have to stop your dressing now though?

    Also I sincerely disagree with you when say that we can live for ten years before the need to cross-dress returns, I know I couldn't last that long.

  19. #19
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    Hi Kathy,

    You don't have to apologize for a post in which you pour your soul into. It took a lot of courage to share that with us and for that I certainly applaud you. I am truly sorry for the loss of your loved ones.

    You will definitely find a support group here on the forums, and perhaps you can find a local one as well. You may think that you have no reason to live, but I can tell you have already made a difference in my life.

    By simply reading your story, I am compelled to share it with my CD friends who have not accepted themselves or are suppressing their feelings. Please take care of yourself and I wish you nothing but the best.

    Hugs

    Jessica

  20. #20
    Member DinaMature's Avatar
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    A lesson for us all. The ones we love, that love us... can be vitally important and cherished, and yet never fully accept all that we are.
    What price is there for the full freedom to be all that WE think we need to be. What is really important in our lives, where is our real happiness?

    God bless you, Kathy and may God bless your bride and her memory.
    The older I get, the more real I feel. And what I feel is not all that I am. [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

    Please visit me on Facebook - Dina Walker http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003166749185

  21. #21
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    Charlena, your response is particularly meaningful. When Chris (my late wife) was in a coma, we seriously doubted she would survive. And when the dreaded kidney failure kicked in, that seemed to be the final straw. But those phenomenal people in Intensive Care worked their wonders and we then thought 'she's going to make it home'. That truly was a day of Glory. I can really appreciate when you say you came through a similar thing. Medical staff really are wondrous.

    On a lighter vein, I thank Sally24, Kristy, and Victoria for your support. I particularly thank TxKimberly for her contribution. The beautiful Kim is an inspiration to so many of us on this board. That she's chucked in her tuppence worth (sorry, 2c-worth on your side of the Pond) is almost beyond belief. The Goddess of cd.com has noted my humble posting.

  22. #22
    Making a life for Tina! suchacutie's Avatar
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    maybe

    Maybe there are other ways...

    You've had a wonderful relationship, and you stood by her (I'm only married 36 years). No one can make it easy for you to grieve the separation. It's part of love: when that love is lost, the better it was the harder the separation.

    But we are all still alive. It's time for a new life. Grandma Moses started painting in retirement! The list of people who start second lives when one part of life ends is endless.

    As far as the items you need for your feminine side, there may be other ways to handle them, but giving in is not one of them. Before you purge, spend some time thinking. After all, there's no rush at the moment. After all, is there no one who would just smile if they found the items of your feminine self?

    Oh, and by the way, it was Yogi Berra who coined, "It ain't over til it's over", I believe, though Casey Stengle was with the Yankees for a long number of years.

    Welcome here and I hope you stay with us for a long time to come!

    tina

  23. #23
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    the time we give away

    Kathy,

    Please stay here for awhile and find comfort in kindred spirits.

    I can only imagine what it's like to be alone after so many years but trust me when I say there are worse things than being alone.

    It touched me when you mentioned feeling silly because I've felt that way myself. Why we do this is a mystery to all of us but somehow it is a part of who we are that is not going away even after so many years of hiding from your wife and hating yourself.

    You're still here.
    You still enjoy being pretty.
    We're all here for you.

    Thank you for reminding me to stop wasting my life being trapped by my own fears.

    For the first time in your life, allow yourself the pleasure of indulging your femininity.

    You've earned it.

    -Misty

  24. #24
    Senior Member Aubrey Green's Avatar
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    Kathy, I will never know the wonderful existence you had with this woman. Some things are more important than CDing. But I do know of your loss, My dad passed away rather unexpectedly in March. He had 55 years with my mom and from his diagnosis to his passing, was 2 weeks. How can a couple that had been together so long, sum everything up in 2 weeks? We are your extended family and there is always someone here to converse with. My heart truly goes out to you for your losses.



  25. #25
    Chaos is a friend of mine April Renee's Avatar
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    This is the best thread I have ever read here. I'm sorry for your loss and inspired by your strength. God bless you and yours.

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