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Thread: The sad tale of we older guys

  1. #26
    Ice queen Lorileah's Avatar
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    Kathy, accept my sincere sympathy having lost my wife this year also. I was lucky that my wife accepted me no matter what and I too increased dressing the last six months of her life.

    You never get over the loss but hopefully you will feel better soon. One thing that may help is for you not to beat yourself up over the dressing part. If it helps there is no reason to stop. Worrying about what will happen if you are discovered in the future is putting undue stress on your health. As they say 100 years from now will anyone care or remember. Ideally you will tell your children so that they can be prepared AND you can relax and enjoy what makes you happiest in this hard time.

    I found several good friends here even if I have never met the, personally. They have been here for me and their friendship and caring have helped. Please let us do the same for you. Stay with us.
    The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
    Chief Joseph
    Nez Perce



    “Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,

  2. #27
    Senior Age Member sissystephanie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kathy_G View Post
    [SIZE="2"][/SIZE]
    I responded to Dawnmarie's initial response before I read all of your other comments. I am truly overwhelmed. I can't imagine that so many people would care about an old git like me.

    For the first time in my life I feel welcome. I am not a solitary weirdo, and I thank you for that. Where do I go from here? I don't know. But I am encouraged.
    Kathy, I am so sorry for your loss and I can truly say I know how you feel! I lost my wife a little over 4 years ago! We did not quite make our 50th, missing it by 5 months. But the worst part was that we had grown up together from about age 9, so had known each other over 60 years. I too felt like my life had come to an end.

    But these great people on this forum helped me and we can help you. I always greet newcomers to the Forum by welcoming them "to our family!" That is the way I regard this forum! As part of my family. My wife was totally accepting of my CD activities and even did my wig and my makeup. But I had told her before we were married, so there was no surprises.

    You are NOT a weirdo, and you are not "in solitary!" We are all here to help each other in any way that we can. All you have to do is ask! BTW, I am 77!

    Stephanie

    Lady on the outside, but man underneath!

  3. #28
    Member ginafaye's Avatar
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    so sorry for your loss kathy, my wife is so suportive of me and my crossdressing as long as we keep it private. As we grow older i often ponder our fate . i know whoevr survives the other would fall into such a depressive funk it would be insufferble........and she has so many more health concerns than i ,ifear iwould just go crazy with grief i feel your sorrow,,,,,,,,,

  4. #29
    ☣Bio-Waste☣ Cheshire Gummi's Avatar
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    I don't want to sound like a quixotic fool, but if I could trade your lot, I would do that. Maybe you could have another go at it. I'm 21 and I've spent most of my days hunting for acceptance and easing my pain with drugs. If I could give you my life instead, I would, because maybe you could do something with it that I can't.

    I really do wish there was something more I could do for you than just offer words, but if you need someone to listen to you or to talk with who won't judge you, you can contact me.

  5. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kathy_G View Post
    ...And now she has gone. I can never, ever, 'come out' to her.
    Kathy, you have my condolences and my sympathy over the loss of your wife. While "coming out" to my wife isn't on the list (I was blessed with a wonderfully accepting and supportive wife) there are a LOT of things that I am sorry we'll never be able to do together now.

    But I strongly believe that when one door is shut another is opened to us. And though that particular door is firmly closed, there is a window in it through which I can still view and remember the good times we had and the things we did together. And hopefully I, and you, will find the door which has been opened into a new room in our lives.

  6. #31
    Silver Member Teri Jean's Avatar
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    Kathy you are not alone in that we are alike in so many ways. I too am not the younger person that some are but I too lost my wife a couple years ago in a car accident. To that point I offer my condolences. It seems like she would walk through the door and here I am sitting in a mini-skirt and tank top with makeup posting to you. oooops caught
    Although my wife never "caught" me dressed she did know about the panties and thigh high nylons. Our life in the later years was separated in the bedroom also and it was lonely but I loved her and I think she knew that but our romance was over.

    The old reality is behind us now and there is a new reality before us to mold into a new norm so although you should never forget the special moments you had with her you have to move forward and make new friends and memories. So girl hike up your skirt and slip on the heels and step out into the new universe and go where no one has gone before. Explore, concure, and if the moment and person is right lay down roots in the new frontier. In other words have fun, love you and huggs around.

    Teri

  7. #32
    Nom de femme BarbiB's Avatar
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    I empathize completely and absolutely. Losing the intimacy of marriage to deteriorating health. And then, watching the one you love slide towards the precipice of mortality is the worst emotional experience imaginable. Simultaneously dealing with "the urge" and feelings of guilt about behavior she never tolerated is more than an "ordinary" person could ever imagine.You have my absolute admiration and respect for foregoing your own desires and putting her needs before yours. My wife is ill and I too am dealing with what you endured. You have experienced the worst this life has to offer. Nothing can hurt you as badly from here onwards. I do know that time helps to somewhat ease the pain and wish you the best in the future. It has to get better.
    Last edited by BarbiB; 07-21-2009 at 08:56 AM.

  8. #33
    Platinum Member Charleen's Avatar
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    Kathy, my heart is with you. I lost my wife almost 4 years ago to cancer when she was only 52 and we had been married for 30 years. The pain will slowly ebb.
    I hid for those 30 years. I tried to come out to he a few times and did not get a good reaction so I stayed in the closet. Oh well. I figured my marriage was more important than panty hose and beside, I was still and still am who I am regardless of how I am dressed.
    Today I have the house to myself so I dress how I please but to be honest I would trade that freedom for one more opportunity to hear my dear say, Good morning love, here's your cup of coffee.
    Comfortable in my own skin.

    "Never underestimate the power of human stupidity, and never cease to be amazed by it!" Lazarus Long

  9. #34
    Member meri's Avatar
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    Your Life Isn't Over Yet.... unless

    Kathy,
    You have my condolences too.

    You have to realize your life ain't over yet -- unless you want it to be so. Plenty of people have been able to somehow follow their spouses "out" if they put their mind to it. You sound as if you are depressed enough to do so.

    At 70 or 71, you can still look forward to many more years. There are many things to do, activities, grandkids, dressing opportunities. You don't have to will yourself into the grave just yet if you don't want to.

    You may need a little medical help to lift you out of your fog-- go see a doc and get some help.

    Your last 20 years have been difficult and you could have made some better choices. Choose better with the remaining time you have.
    -Meri

    Central Ohio

  10. #35
    heaven sent celeste26's Avatar
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    There's been lots of good advice for you and I wont bother to repeat it all but add one little more. Physical activity will be one way to clear your head and get the cobwebs out. No I dont suggest you suddenly become a marathon runner, but taking walks would be good. Just something to get the blood pumping again, and be sure to breathe well. Just be sure to keep the head up and look to the path, dont want you to stumble.

    God loves you and wants what's best for you (not always what you might want for yourself though), so keep your mind clear and open and we'll all keep you in our prayers.
    Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. Mark Twain

  11. #36
    Silver Member SherriePall's Avatar
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    Kathy -- All I'm going to say is that I am so sorry for your loss.
    Sherrie Lynn Pall

    Sometimes I make sense and that frightens me.

    Please don't let me be the last post on this thread

  12. #37
    Unexpected Woman Empress Lainie's Avatar
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    Kathy, I am only a few years older than you. You are lucky to have had your wife for so long. I had always wondered when I got married at 23 and my wife was 31 if we would last till our 50th. It would have been Sept 20 this year. Me at 74, she would have been 82.

    We were only married for 26 years. She died in 1995 the day after my birthday, and was living with our daughter. She died from colon cancer.
    Our daughter for about 5 years devoted herself to her mother although working full time.

    I lost my 2nd wife after only 4 years, and she was only 35. It took me 3 long years to come to terms with it and even now I will start crying when I talk about her. That was in 1989. So its been 20 years since then. She died on Sept 21, the day after my first wedding anniversary.
    Strange thing about those date juxtapositions.

    Like you, I wonder at our age, what's the use in going on. I can't get any work, no matter how well my qualifications match the job, just due to age.

    I actually got married again at age 65 when I thought there would never be any more romance or love in my life. We were together for 5 years and friends and lovers for 7 more until my transition which she couldn't handle even though she was a social worker. So I lost her too.

    I think you should indulge yourself in your dressing. I am sorry for you that she wasn't able to come to terms with it for you. Maybe there is a crossdressers group where you live. Maybe a social group of older people would help you. For me its dancing and I don't associate with people my age except for two dear friends, both female. Guess that makes me weirder than I was when I thought I was a guy.
    [SIZE=2]Ascended Ancient[/SIZE]

  13. #38
    Oldie but Goodie Mitzi's Avatar
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    Kathy...

    Your story left me wiping tears from my eyes. No, my wife is very well and alive, and will probably outlive me.

    But much of your story sounded exactly like mine. An often discordant marriage of over 50 years, discovery of my CDing after 30, leading to separate bedrooms. I'd often thought of moving out, but just couldn't.

    But reading your story, I knew that's exactly how I'd feel if she were to pass away...

    Mitzi

  14. #39
    I yam what I yam,
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    Exclamation Age related confustion

    I did think Casy Stingle was the voice behind the mangled words of baseball. Now, someone has said it was Yogi Berra. Both had long careers in the pin stripes. Frankly I'm not sure who said what, both were famous for murdering the "American" language. The truth of the point however, remains. As Dr. F. Kubler-Ross wrote in her book: "On Death and Dieing" grief is a process we all experience when a loss happens. The greater we sense loss, the greater the grief. And Kathy, be sure the ladies on this forum are sincere in their expressions of caring and encouragement. People, for all our failings, really do CARE.

  15. #40
    Member MarcellaMcNul's Avatar
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    I can't remember being as touch by a post and all of it's responses.

    I offer my condolences and echo what other's have said about this forum being like a family that forgets it's squabbles and disagreements when another member is found to be in need.

    I will share for what's worth my experience with my own family members. My mother's sisters were both in close,long term "life" marriages and after their husbands died, each mentioned to me that they were now "Just waiting to die" themselves.

    What I consider to be important enough about that to post is that time very definately tempered those feelings and each of them continued on into the new chapter in thier lives (as was mentioned earlier) and by my observations they developed activities that were fulfilling and even happy.

    I believe that if it was possible for them then is possible for the rest of us.

    Best wishes.

    Marcella
    Two Spirits

  16. #41
    Senior Citizen Mary Morgan's Avatar
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    So Kathy, Sounds like you have lost your best friend and perhaps your way. I lost my first wife age 49 after 28 years of marriage and two children. I felt very much as you do and emersed myself in wine, food, loneliness and regret. Friends tried hard to help me get through and after about a year, I finally decided to try to move on. She is still a big part of my life and always will be. I must tell you I belief your wife is with you, she knows how you feel and how you are dressed, and she wants you to be happy. she made a big investment in you and you owe it to her to pick yourself up and enjoy your life until you are together again. I re-married about three years later and have a new chapter in my life. I doesn't replace anything, it just adds to it. Surround yourself with people, go out to dinner, dress to the nines and live your life. If you need a friend to chat with I'm here. Hugs, Mary

  17. #42
    Aspiring Member Vieja's Avatar
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    I wonder what's next

    Kathy, I have always felt that words are inadequate when someone has suffered the loss of a loved one but what else is there that one can offer. Grief will eventually fade and you will probably only remember the good things in your lives together. Take time now to cry a bit and dwell on fond memories then pick up the pieces and get on with your life.

    Vieja

  18. #43
    Big Sister Nicki B's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kathy_G View Post
    For the first time in my life I feel welcome. I am not a solitary weirdo, and I thank you for that. Where do I go from here? I don't know. But I am encouraged.
    IT TAKES TIME... but the scars do heal over - trust me.

    For those that have never been there, it can be hard to understand - but it IS much better to have loved, wholly and truly, than never to have known that. I know others who aren't driven to look for anyone else, because what they had once still sustains them.. Kathy, it can do you, too.
    Last edited by Nicki B; 07-22-2009 at 03:15 PM. Reason: Tried to make point differently after quoted posts removed.
    Nicki

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  19. #44
    Silver Member Mollyanne's Avatar
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    Hi Kathy, I know from where you come from, my wife and I buried her son(he was 44) two years ago and she will never get over that. She also has found my "stash" and has demanded that I see a therapist!!!! I have briefly talked to one and was told that "I have accepted my inner self and am experiencing outward relief" I am in my sixties and have been dressing in various degrees for over 50 years (even if I wanted to I wouldn't want to or even consider stopping) We do move on in our lives and we come into contact w/people we haven't met,or seen; IE: sisters here. We all have a common thread here can pour out our feelings and ask for advice. Welcome sister!!!!!

    Mollyanne
    "To thine own self be true"

  20. #45
    Member Lisa LIckorice's Avatar
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    Kathy,
    Reading your post broke my heart! It's so hard to lose someone so close. I can't imagine the pain that you feel, but she will live on through your memories. If I could be any help to you, please let me know. In my regular day job I'm a bereavement counselor.
    Again, my condolences.
    Lisa

  21. #46
    Aspiring Member Carol A's Avatar
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    Kathy,
    Don't feel old because of age, I am 70 now married for 46 years still dress everyday but not as pretty as I was at a younger age.

    I feel your hurt because I know one day soon I will also face loosing my wife. Sweetheart life goes on and you are still full of life and spirit so use it to be happy and enjoy what you have left.
    My picture was taken last fall before going out to dinner, enjoy and have fun.

  22. #47
    Breakin' social taboos TGMarla's Avatar
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    Kathy, first of all, welcome to the forum. It's as my late father-in-law always said to me: "Y'know...getting old sucks!" He was a character, and passed away before his time, certainly before we were ready to let him go.

    Right now, you may feel that you have little or nothing left to live for, but that's far from the truth. This is simply the next chapter for you, and you have not yet found out what it's about. Don't brood too much. Try to remember that your dear wife would not want to see you so unhappy. And life is so fleeting. You may as well try to enjoy your time now, as it will not be long - a blink of eternity's eye - before we're all gone.

    For one thing, now you can crossdress to your heart's content. You need not be house-bound if you choose to go out, and you can really do whatever you want to. You've earned it. Grief is a very blunt instrument that leaves its mark forever. We never "get over" the loss of our loved ones. We just learn to live with the loss. You will, too.

    So chin up, dear. Young and pretty isn't everything. Remember what Kathy Bates said in "Fried Green Tomatoes" (and I'm paraphrasing): "You may be young and pretty, but I'm older and have more insurance!" Anyway, I thought it was funny. Good flick. Watch it sometime. It's about how a woman learns to just deal with things despite growing older.

    And we're always here, too, if you need to talk. So hang in there, and try to find a flow for yourself. You'll wind up surprising yourself once you find your feet again. And those feet can wear heels whenever you want to.

    Hugs and flowers ..... hey, they help!

    Any money found in the laundry is MINE!


    "This is no social crisis....this is me having fun!"

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  23. #48
    Member ginafaye's Avatar
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    just about lost my wife,this weekend asma atack at a resturant paramedics had to respond and a fast ride to the hospital it wasreally scary this time

  24. #49
    Silver Member Joanne f's Avatar
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    Kathy,
    I am so sorry to hear what your wife and you have gone though over your life together and now what you are going through on your own .
    Someone once told me that there are good times in your life and there are bad times but it seams some times some get all the bad times and some get all the good times .
    I know it is hard but try to think positive and of the good times and make the rest of your life a bit happier and if you need to chat at any times feel free to PM me .
    Oh and welcome .
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Joanne

  25. #50
    Silver Member Teri Jean's Avatar
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    Kathy, Dawn could not have put it better and I agree. I lost my wife two years ago and I know in my heart she is smiling, laughing and crying as I stumble walk and run in this life. She may not have understood or accepted but now she can see things much more clear.

    So sweetheart, get dressed and put on your makeup and step out in the world and have fun. You will know what to do and go but know this you have all of us as support.

    Teri

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