For CDer's: Insight into my GG type

[Daphne7]

Growing up as a GG taught me that there were ALWAYS other girls to compete with. I am constantly comparing myself to other girls, and feeling bad about myself because of it.

So, when my hubby told me about his CD'ing, I felt threatened. I try to be as honest as I can with him, and that includes telling him he looks good when he's dressed. I genuinely mean it too. But I am saying it because I know how awesome it feels when he genuinely compliments me in the same way.

If he denies my genuine compliment its like a slap in the face. I console myself by reminding myself that the denial isn't about me, its about his low self-esteem regarding this aspect of his life.

When I compliment him I am specific, telling him what looks good ie. mascara looks great. BUT I don't mention that his eyeshadow could use some work until I feel out his mood to decide if he wants to hear constructive criticism at that moment.

Sometimes he just wants to feel pretty and receive a compliment, without being told how I think he could improve. I assume this because I feel that way too sometimes.


If I could tell my hubby, (without actually having to tell him.- cause it's not sexy if I have to tell him)...

I'd say and ask for:

I want to be accepted for the woman that I am just as much as you want to be accepted for the woman that you aren't. The difference is, the woman I am is all I've got.

My woman's clothing doesn't make me a woman. I don't identify with my clothing in that way, though sometimes my clothing makes me feel better about myself. That fact that you like to wear things that I wouldn't wear is a hit to my feminine self-esteem-- feels like you expect me to be more of a woman than I am, but I AM a woman. And it hurts.

Please, please, please,
1. Get me something I want, not something you want. (and not just clothing) Go ahead buy something for yourself, then get me a sweet/romantic card with a gift card or some cash-- tell me you know you've bought a bunch of stuff for yourself recently and you wanted to get something for me, but wasn't sure what to get.-- This gives me the go ahead to treat myself to something nice (the same way you treated yourself) and I won't feel guilty about it. --I have a hard time justifying spending money on what I deem to be frivolous things for myself.
2. Lavish me with verbal AND non-verbal compliments that are meant to boost my self-confidence. If i am so special to you than prove it with your behavior toward me... be thoughtful and considerate.
Suggestions:
a. Touch me more. In fleeting, non-sexually expectant way ie. come up behind me and wrap your arms around me and drop your head to my shoulder/neck while I'm doing something in the kitchen. Just BE with me in that moment.
b. Put your hand on the small of my back-guiding me in front of you when the opportunity naturally presents itself. Its a gentlemanly gesture that makes me feel that you value me as a lady that deserves tenderness.
c. Be infatuated with my hair- play with it, twirl it around your finger, rub a finger or two back and forth or in a small circle on my scalp. I can't feel it when you hold the hair like a ponytail and flick the loose end around- I like it when you engage the roots of my hair- that's where the nerve endings are. I like a little tension/tugging/pulling. Its a small simple thing you can do to show me some of the man in you (by taking control.)
d. My eyes ARE amazing. Notice and tell me so. Look into them, study how the color changes from the dark rims and changes again around the pupil. Study my eyes while I study yours, Touch my jaw, don't say a word and gently kiss me, then study my eyes again. We'd experience a precious connection if you did that.
e. Share a secret moment with me by brushing my arm for a fleeting/seductive moment while in the company of others- make the contact a casual thing (not a PDA) but create that sexual spark by thinking how gorgeous/amazing I am- if you think something intense like that I'll be able to tell the touch was meaningful not just happenstance or mechanical.
f. I expect your verbal compliments to be better than the average man's compliments since you CD and therefore are not just any man. You know what the rush feels like when receiving a REAL compliment.
g. Back down every once in a while when I give you a suggestion on girl stuff-- especially when it comes with the delicate inner workings of how girls relate to each other. I was treated as a girl my entire childhood- you weren't. There are intuitive things I know that you never will. I've been a girl a lot longer than you. We won't see eye-to-eye on everything (no one does) but I am hard-wired as a girl, please give me the respect I deserve and assume that I might actually know what the hell I'm talking about it even though I can't prove or logically explain why I'm right. When you won't back down I respect you less for not accepting me as unconditionally as I accept you.

[Kimmy55]

I honestly dont think your asking for too much.

[Daphne7]

me either, but how do i tell him, without telling him?
I suppose this is proof of me wishing he could read my mind.

But If I tell him to do something specific and he does it- then its weird, cause I told him to. These things are what I'd like him to naturally do on his own. I don't want him to do them just because I told him to.

[TG-Taru]

Nice post

This caught my eye:

That fact that you like to wear things that I wouldn't wear is a hit to my feminine self-esteem-- feels like you expect me to be more of a woman than I am, but I AM a woman. And it hurts.

No need to feel like that, people have different tastes and preferences in clothing, and they can change too. You are no less of a woman for not wearing (for example) a frilly dress, just because you partner likes to. Would be boring if everyone dressed similarly.

Remember too that a cd might feel the need to use all the little things possible to appear feminine, whereas you don't need to, you already are.

[Sarah Doepner]

Thank you for the post and reminders. One of the common things we see here is the reminder to those coming out to their S.O. is we have been working on accepting our feminine side for years and we can't expect them to get up to speed in 15 minutes or even 15 weeks. The flip side is also true as you point out. You have been female all your life and there is nothing we can do to duplicate your life history and understanding. It's a real treasure if you are willing to share your experience to help us do better as we explore your world.

[Fab Karen]

Sounds like there's a communication issue- a guy can't read a woman's mind, no matter how many might wish for that. Needs have to be discussed in a relationship ( at least one that you want to last ). IF it feels too difficult, you could find a couple's therapist to work on communication with each other.

[nancyish]

Dear Daphne,Thanks 4 the reminder that while we are pressing towards the feminine you have already attained and you should be adored (and respected) for it.Best of luck in your situation and i believe it will go well for you.Nancy

[Kathi Lake]

Daphne, thank you so much for a wonderful post! For many of us, the feedback that you give to your spouse is what we dream of! I can take constructive criticism. I can take a compliment that I know is not entirely true or deserved (because I know the spirit it was given in). What is harder to take is the cold, stony silence that comes from our spouses when they're in the midst of a "body-image crisis" and they see us in something they know they'll never fit in. No amount of telling them that they are much more feminine than we'll ever be or that our metabolisms are different will cool that anger.

It also sounds like your spouse has some image problems of their own. It's hard looking into a mirror and seeing a man in makeup staring back at us sometimes. In those times, no amount of compliments by you will ever help, so don't feel slighted if his mood is sour - it's not you - honest! Just like women, we have body-image crises, bad hair days, days where our eyeshadow just isn't working and the like. Compound that with an inner feeling of "I really shouldn't be doing this" and you'll see why sometimes our moods go South.

Again, talk with your spouse. Love your spouse. Remember always that although we may dress and like to appear as women, though we may have a good "womanly tool-kit" of mannerisms, makeup knowledge, fashion and more, that we're still guys. That means we're bloody clueless! If you would like us to do certain things, tell us! We will be more than happy to oblige. We'll be even happier that you told us what to do rather than having to divine it from your hints and body language. We really suck at that, as I'm sure you know.

Kathi

[Wen4cd]

Write a romantic story where the dude does what you want him to do. Leave it where he'll find it (pretend you're trying to hide it.)

[sissystephanie]

Daphne,

If you have read many of my posts, you know that I am all about open and honest communication. Why not tell him what you wrote in your thread opener? But preface it by saying something like this, "Honey, I know you love to dress like a woman and I don't have a problem with that. I would like to help you look even better, if you will let me. After all, I have been doing it more years then you have! I can help you with makeup, etc." But skip paragraph G. That is way too negative!

The fact that he wears clothes that you wouldn't be seen in is only a problem if you let it be one. I would bet there is a big difference in your sizes and build. What you prefer maybe he can't wear. My wife was a Petite 12 and I am a regular size 16. No way could I wear the type of clothes she wore, nor did I want to! She was very "frilly" lady. I am not! But she didn't care as long as I was happy with what I was wearing! Yes, she was totally supportive of my CD activities!

The main thing is that you obviously support his crossdressing activities, and you need to let him know that in no uncertain terms. If you compliment him, but think his mascara could be done better, tell him so! Then offer to help him do it so he will prettier! He must need more self confidence, and if you reach out to him in this fashion he will get it! Best of Luck to both of you!

[Amy Lynn3]

Daphne,
I agree with you completly. I am no expert, but feel all women are the same in this respect and desire to have the same things as you, at least the ones I have known. I think all males should take a heads up and copy your list of desires and put them into action, if they want happy women in their lives. Its worked every time for me. My 2 cents.

[TxKimberly]

What an AWESOME post and view in to the mind of a woman, a wife, a lover. I Think that rates right up there as one of the top two or three sweetest posts I've read and if it were up to me it would be a sticky so that it never gets buried.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and wishes. :-)

[Rachel Morley]

I feel sad for you that you have to ask for all those things. Love comes in many guises but to me, what you're asking for, I thought, was all part and parcel of being in love. In other words shouldn't all those things come naturally to a person in love?

[Ralph]

I feel sad for you that you have to ask for all those things.

That was my first thought, too. It's another in a long line of comments from GGs that many times we get way too wrapped up in admiring our own girlyness that we forget to step off the pedestal and put someone else there for a while.

[Daphne7]

There is definitely a communication issue, there always has been.

Remember always that although we may dress and like to appear as women, though we may have a good "womanly tool-kit" of mannerisms, makeup knowledge, fashion and more, that we're still guys. That means we're bloody clueless! If you would like us to do certain things, tell us! We will be more than happy to oblige. We'll be even happier that you told us what to do rather than having to divine it from your hints and body language. We really suck at that, as I'm sure you know.

Kathi

I am a very direct and blunt person, it goes hand-in-hand with my tomboy nature. He and I have a past that includes me telling him certain things I'd like him to do and he STILL doesn't do them. And I've brought up those same things multiple times, hoping that he'd actually listen eventually. But it just never sticks.

Since I couldn't get through to him verbally I tried the non-verbal hints and he doesn't pick up on that either. Its so frustrating!

When I found out he is a CD'er I thought that our communication would get better. That as a CDer he'd be able to understand me as a woman better, or at least listen to me more closely and take me seriously. I thought --good, some of the guy crap that drives me nuts will go away since I'm accepting and he can be who he truly is around me-- But it hasn't worked out that way yet.

I feel sad for you that you have to ask for all those things. Love comes in many guises but to me, what you're asking for, I thought, was all part and parcel of being in love. In other words shouldn't all those things come naturally to a person in love?

I feel sad for me too.

I also thought all those things were part of the love package, which is why having to spell it out to him is something I don't want to do, because I shouldn't have to.

I want romance. But I don't want him to be romantic unless his romantic behavior is genuine. If I give him the ABC's and he follows the instructions then all the warm fuzzy's from the romantic behavior dissolve.

This is really a*#-backwards to say, but it makes sense to my GG friends:
If I tell him what to do, and he does it, then it feels like he's only doing it because I told him. And I don't want him to do it for that reason. I want him to do those things because he wants to- and if he wants to then he should be able to think up those little romantic things on his own.

Its like guys get an easy ride because they say "I can't read your mind." and push the fault back onto the girl. NO one can mind read- but everyone can try harder.

I'd advise anyone who says they can't read minds to pay more attention.

[TxKimberly]

Every so often I see posts like this that make me think about how I fall short with my own wife of 22 years. Right after I read your thread, I went across the table to where my wife is internet surfing on her laptop and gave her a long hug. It's a little thing but hey . . .

[TGMarla]

Thank you, Daphne, for one of the sweetest and most insightful posts I have ever read. Rachel is right in that in an ideal situation, all of these things should come naturally. But as a guy, and as a crossdresser, I can tell you with some authority that while we may have some insight as to what it feels like to be feminine, we are also (all guys!) constantly trying to figure out just how women tick. And this glimpse inside of your most sensuous thoughts, on how to non-verbally relate and at what times, on how you react to small nothings and place such importance on them, is an eye-opening and wonderful read. Kimberly's right. It's sticky-worthy.

Perhaps it is those small things that we as crossdressers are striving to experience. As men, we are expected to be the givers, not the receivers. And receiving such casual, yet sensuous gestures must be a wonderful and fulfilling experience. I'm going to wear a smile for a while now, after reading this. Thanks!

Here, have some flowers. You've earned them!

[gretchen2]

Points well taken, I needed a little refresher course. Thanks Daphne.

[ReineD]

What an AWESOME post and view in to the mind of a woman, a wife, a lover. I Think that rates right up there as one of the top two or three sweetest posts I've read and if it were up to me it would be a sticky so that it never gets buried.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and wishes. :-)

I echo Kim! This is one of the most awesome posts from an SO I've read here, both your posts #1 and #16

"I want romance. But I don't want him to be romantic unless his romantic behavior is genuine. If I give him the ABC's and he follows the instructions then all the warm fuzzy's from the romantic behavior dissolve."

Very well said!

[LisaM]

Daphne,

Your post hit me in the heart. I don't think i am guilty of everything that you mentioned nor am I guilty all of the time. But it puts things in a different light than I usually see them in.

I loved your comment to get me 'something that I'd want' because I recently gave my wife a wonderful Coach bag that I bought for myself--I quickly realized that she would get more use out of it so I told her i bought it for her knowing that she would absolutely love it--she did and she had to fight off my daughters to keep it.

I also loved your comment about just touching the small of your back---we all should realize how much a small touch means to our partners.

I loved your post and I hope to use a lot of what you said with my own partner. I want to thank you for your honesty and support.

[Daphne7]

Nice post

people have different tastes and preferences in clothing, and they can change too. You are no less of a woman for not wearing (for example) a frilly dress, just because you partner likes to. Would be boring if everyone dressed similarly.

Remember too that a cd might feel the need to use all the little things possible to appear feminine, whereas you don't need to, you already are.

I think my statement reveals how insecure I am. Everyone has a different style/taste, mostly stemming from what looks/feels good to them-ie. colors, cuts, prints, etc.

The hit to my self-esteem isn't anything that he can do anything about. Its something I have to work on. The bad feeling he gets in the pit of his stomach when he looks in the mirror and thinks badly about himself for CDing is exactly the same feeling I get when I look in the mirror and don't see the reflection of his dream woman. --I want to be that woman for him--

With my GG friends I might admire a friend's womanly-ness and try to emulate the things I like about her.

So am I wrong when I assume that the choices my hubby makes about his CD wardrobe reflect the style of clothing he'd like to see me wear? Like his clothing choices are an indirect way of hinting to me what he'd like to see? I dress pretty darn frumpy around the house because that's what I'm comfortable in.

*** I've talked to him about this a little. We've covered the fact that we are different sizes and shapes, so different things look good on each of each of us. He looks great in a mini skirt in a way that I never will because men have spectacular upper thighs. And my butt will always have the advantage.

He says he knows that many clothing items he likes are not realistic for women to wear day-in and day-out while going about the practicalities of life. --Why would ANYONE want to grocery shop with 3'+ heels on?

It just seems like his choices indirectly imply that if I was more of a woman then I'd embrace a sexier and more sophisticated clothing style. I suppose the reality of it is that I just need to get over my hang up. When he's picking out clothing he's not thinking about how it would look on me- he's thinking about how it will look on him.

It's so confusing to be with a guy that has a girl side- but approaches the girl side like a dude. Argh

[TxKimberly]

. . . So am I wrong when I assume that the choices my hubby makes about his CD wardrobe reflect the style of clothing he'd like to see me wear? . . .
It's so confusing to be with a guy that has a girl side- but approaches the girl side like a dude. Argh

Oddly enough, it is not necessarily a safe bet that he wears things he wishes that you would wear. Now the really bad thing here is that I can't even tell you why this is true. For me, I might get a kick out of wearing 5 inch heels and a miniskirt, or a huge pink and silly princess gown, but I think my wife and would both agree she would look a bit silly in them. (She is also something of a Tom Boy). I really can't explain it as eloquently as you have shared your thoughts, so I'll just have to tell you that no, we don't necessarily wear things that we would want our SO's to wear. When we buy them, and when we wear them, it's not likely that some part of us is thinking "Gee, I wish my wife would wear something like this."

. . . It's so confusing to be with a guy that has a girl side- but approaches the girl side like a dude. Argh . . .

Thanks for that one - that is the best smile I've had today!

[Huntress]

Absolutely spot on. One of the best "in the groove" SO advices I have read here. No nanny state preaching. No wailing and gnashing of the teeth. No pitiful, woe is me, rant. Makes me want to take you to Paris and buy you diamonds. Oh wait, you're married. Damn.

De Oppresso Liber,
Huntress

[Wen4cd]

Do you often tell him he looks good when he's not dressed, and mean it?

As a crossdresser, the last thing I really like is for my wife to tell me I look good dressed (while I am dressed, that is.) I will often go shy, or withdraw, or whatever. As you say, the "warm fuzzies dissolve."

Anybody else, fine, but not my wife. She courted and married me undressed, and I have no wish to make her change her tastes if she doesn't want to. The outer guy part of me is a real as the inner feminine.

Now, if my wife tells me I look good when not dressed, I suddenly feel like I am dressed, if you get me, and blush "like a schoolgirl."

All guys, dressers or not, will have an inner 'feminine' personality. Jung modeled this, and I tend to agree from experience. My belief is that many cross-dressers became separated from this inner connection with emotion or empathy, due to one string of circumstance or another in childhood, and dressing is, consciously or not, a tool to reconnect with that lost (or difficult to reach) half. To claim back their souls by finding that part within themselves and seeing it as real...

(...Which is a hard trick, because it's SO easy to say 'my feminine side' and not really understand what it means, especially for a cross-dresser, and double especially because IMO, it has little or nothing to do with 'real' women, who are just as multifaceted, and don't necessarily do 'feminine' things in the same way the archetype does.)

We both know I'm not dressing like a 'real' woman, but expressing a spirit, an archetypal image that has much less to do with the reality of womanhood than it does with my unconscious perception of the feminine.

In that archetype, or spirit, lies the part of many a CDer's psyche that makes him able to do those romantic things on his own. There is the lost thing, the re-integration that will give him the confidence or the sensitivity to work on the marriage, among many other parts of life, to a fuller extent.

If your hubby is like I am, and probably a lot of CD'ers are, dressing is therapy. Some feel it's something they should do more than want or need to do.

Right now he's chasing after the image.

But one day, with luck and work and education, that image may to come alive and start talking to him.

Like a little guardian angel over his shoulder, she can teach him how to look you in the eye, feel your needs, read your mind, even when he's not dressed.

My advice, be it popular or not, would be to view 'her' as something that's going to eventually help "him" see you. If he wants to, that is (and he should, if he married you.)

That doesn't mean flattering her looks, but appreciating that she's real, and that she's merging with "him" to become a full, complete human being.

[sissystephanie]

There is definitely a communication issue, there always has been. When I found out he is a CD'er I thought that our communication would get better. That as a CDer he'd be able to understand me as a woman better, or at least listen to me more closely and take me seriously. I thought --good, some of the guy crap that drives me nuts will go away since I'm accepting and he can be who he truly is around me-- But it hasn't worked out that way yet.

When is the last time you and he had a sit down conversation about your feelings? You say you are accepting, but have you actually told him that in so many words? After all, as others have said, men usually are not mind readers! I'm sure you love him, but do you express your love openly? If so, how does he respond to that? Remember, we are only getting one side of the story! That is certainly not meant as a "slam" against you, just a statement of fact. As things are, if I met your husband I might want to punch him for not being more loving to you! You do deserve his total love for being accepting as you are!

I think you both might benefit from a session with a Gender Therapist!

I am not a trained therapist, but in the past 50 plus years I have counseled a numner of CD's and their wives. My late wife, and many other ladies, have told me that I am quite sensitive for a man! Maybe that is why I seem to understand problems like yours more easily than others might. In my 70 plus years on this earth, I have experienced many things, and learned from most of them. Once again, the Best of Luck to both of you, and please do keep in touch!