How to be the CD that women are attracted to.

[Eve_WA]

There. I corrected that for you.

I am a little put off by your attitude. Ok, thats how you feel.. Fine! But not ALL of us feel that way. To edit someones writings and over type MEN or HIM over other female pronouns, is rather insulting to me, and Im sure others as well.

The CD/TG/TS/TV spectrum is wide and varied. Some of us do feel like men who happen to like womens clothing. But others feel like a woman trapped in a mans body. And these are just two ends of the spectrum. I hazard that there are about as many opinions as there are of us.

Yes, fine, biologically, I am a man. But as has been said many times here, and in psychological journals and other writings, is that gender is a mental state, sometimes separate from their physical/biological genetics. I, myself, consider myself to be transgender. I have two distinct sides to my personality. I embrace them both. When I am dressed as a woman, I want to be referred to as one. And I know personally a lot of other 'gurls' feel the same.

This thread is about confidence and self acceptance. If it gives someone that to think of themselves in this way, great! I dont see your interjections as assisting in that for many who are still floundering with their self identity and self acceptance. If thats how they see themselves, fine! Its not hurting anyone to do so.

I apologize for hijacking this thread, but I felt strongly about this, and felt it was germane to the topic at hand.

Eve

[Tamara Croft]

Can we NOT spoil Bevs thread by arguing. You want to argue, please take it to PM and not in this thread, or I will remove those arguing from reading and posting in it, don't be so rude.

[Cary]

Thank you Bev for that post! I made my day.

[Satrana]

Take your point Satrana,
But I bet there are more accepting wives and partners than you think there are. Now whether or not they'de be prepared to march through the streets with thier CDs is another thing.
However, there would be nothing stopping CDs from doing it. If there was enough of them it would certainly cause a stir and I am certain that someone would hold your hand and encourage you along the way honey.
Take care
Bev

But that is the whole thing. I don't want to be in a parade consisting just of other CDs. Who would not want their partner marching with them - after all society's acceptance of us would have a big impact on their lives as well. And doesn't the fact that our wives are missing from the march signal to the rest of society our wives are ashamed of us and thus society would not feel the same compulsion to consider our case? We would still look like undeserving outsiders

This is not a criticism of women - CDs are the ultimate closet hiders, just noting this is an extra hurdle that other groups do not face.

[Bev06 GG]

You can put as many hurdles in front of you as you like babes, but at the end of the day if you want something to happen you have to be positive and focused and not worry too much about what others think of you.
Easier said than done I know because people's ignorance and lack of understanding is a massive hurdle with a high price tag for some.
To be honest I think a public march for CDs wouldn't have the same impact as the gay rights movement, but there are women out there who are standing by their CD partner, there have been some on national TV so maybe your route to acceptance will be more subtle and take slightly longer. There are more ways to skin a cat. And then of course there will allways be those who cannot for whatever reason accept you, but then not everyone wholeheartedly accepts Gays, Lesbians, Christians, Mormons, etc etc etc
Take care
Bev

[Stephanie Stephens]

Thanks Bev. I really appreciate your insight. It gives us all food for thought.
Margot

Dito

[Jonianne]

Bev, when I first read this thread, I was very excited about what you were saying about having confidence and finding things that were positive and attractive about crossdressing. So I started a thread about listing things that were positive and attractive, but it did'nt go very far. Besides the typical crticisim and "negative waves" posted (and the mod's deleted my thread, maybe by accident because they restored it without comment), the only things I and some of the posters came up with was pretty superficial, not much that non-cd'ers would find attractive.

Maybe we should approach it from the angle of making ourselves attractive as persons with the crossdressing just being one aspect of who we are, not necessarily openly advertising it, but not keeping it as deep dark secret either. When others see that we see it as a positive to us (they probably are not going to see it as we do) then they will be more likely to be attracted to us and sort of just see the crossdressing as an aspect of who we are that is not a threat to them and that they could accept it even though they may not understand.

[Bev06 GG]

Awww Jonnianne,
your so sweet, I didn't see it otherwise I would have answered it. You finally got it in the last part of your post. Its not about making the things that you do look attractive and kind of selling the whole package, its more about actually BEING.

I used to regularly make over a drag queen, she was ace. She used to go down the pub fully dressed, take off her wig, order a pint and sit and smoke cigars with the regulars. Bearing in mind that this was a country pub in the back of beyond full of farmers, it was quite incredible that they actually accepted her.
She was working in the village on a contract and staying in digs. The locals loved her and I think they would have just accepted anything she did as a bit of fun because she was a character. Part of her success and popularity was because she actually didn't have any hangups about what she did and didn't have a problem if someone shyed away or even insulted her. Neither did she ever feel under pressure to explain or excuse what she did, she was proud of being different and actually played on it. I can still see the looks of amazement on those blokes faces when she made her entrance

For her It was all about self belief. The only problem she had was that she was married and didn't like working away from her family. So bang goes the theory that all drag queens are gay cause she definitely wasn't.
Not every one is as in your face as that, but everyone can believe that what they do is fun and be positive about who they are and meet criticism with total equinimity and charm.


I also remember a colleague asking me if I had a problem with my partners dressing.
"Are you kidding me " I replied, "give me a Cd any day of the week theyre much more exciting than a regular guy, no two days are the same, you never know whats coming next and I get to extend my wardrobe, makeup, toiletries and perfume supply with no questions asked, almost immediately and on his expenses. The only down side is he has bigger feet than me so his collection of shoes is a no no"

You gotta look on the bright side of every situation in life haven't you.
Take care Jonnianne
Love ya
Bev

[Sonia Greene]

Good subject Bev!
100% true too.........many of us are too timid, expecting bad reaction.
I find by NOT looking at people approaching me, when walking along, allows me to retain my confidence better, and one-to-one at the cosmetic counter, I behave with total confidence. it's crowds that are variables, as there MAY be an abuse-giver amongst them.
It's my life. It's not their's!

[Marcy_in_hose]

I was very self-conscious and a bit ashamed of my c/ding but I took a chance and told my GG G/f about it. After I told her, she was OK with it and after someone finally knew and was OK with it, I became more confidant about my c/ding and she said that at first the thought was a bit weird but the more confidant I was with myself, the more accepting she felt.

I am glad that my g/f accepts me( it would have sucked if she didn't because we've been together for a little over 5 years). I love my femme side and now we get manicures and pedicures together and go shopping together. She said it's like she found a great girlfriend to femme out with! I also love my masculine side and she loves that I can be both of those things in one nice package...

[Andrea_1948]

OK, so I put Bev's wisdom to the test. I have one feature that for most is a feminine thing and that is long and manicured finger nails. As a flemenco guitar enthuiast having long nails is normal for me. The other day I shaved my whole body, with my generally not so CD accepting wife's help but she was a good sport about it. I put on a light but noticable shade of pinkish polish to both my fingers and toes. Heretofore, only done this in private. As it happened, later my wife wanted to go to Nordstrom's Rack for some undies.

Since we have had record high temps where I live the only bearable clothing were Birkenstocks, cuttoffs and a Tshirt but I went along to get away from the heat. I think everyone else had the same idea because the place was crowded. As my wife shopped I wandered away (but not too far) checking out all of the pretty things, yes, taking them off the rack, comparing color, feeling the texture etc. The more I looked the more confident I felt. Not just one but several shopping GG's in their 30's and 40's shopping next to me commented about how nice the garments were. At first I didn't know how to respond, but then after the second approving comment, a simple 'thank you, I like them too' became easy to say. Absolutely no one made a negative comment or frown. A little later the same sort of thing occurred at the cosmetics area.

Anyway, the interaction with GG's gave me the courage and confidence to go to Macy's for some undies on my own, since my wife won't shop with me. Till now, all my things were bought on-line. Yay, this girl has a new attitude!

I might add that I find MissConstrued's comments amusing but direct and to the point, I like that in a person. Earlier in this thread she, Bev and other's comments also, made me realize that there is no threat. Intellectually I know that, emotionally I needed convincing. If you take the 'h' out of threat you'll feel entirely different!

Thanks to all of you ladies that responded to this thread. Bev, if you're not a clinical psychologist (maybe you are) you should be. Bravo to you for starting this thread!

Sorry this reply is so long, it's OK to tell me to sit down and be quiet, but I most likely won't do it.

[Joanie_Shakti]

One of the things that I have continually encouraged you all to do is to be positive about who you are and hold your head up with pride, rather than down with a miriad of excuses of why you like to CD.

I got to thinking about why some CDs are more attractive than others and why some get acceptance and some dont seem to quite hit the mark, and I came to the conclusion that its all to do with STRENGTH of CHARACTER, SELF RESPECT, SELF IMAGE and CONFIDENCE

When you think about it the type of people that we are naturally attracted to are people who have self belief and dont seem to be too concerned about other peoples opinions because they respect themselves and dont have a problem with what they like to do. We are attracted to natural leaders which in a good majority of cases from a womans view point is a man who makes them feel safe and eliminates uncertainty from their lives. We all want a spouse that we can respect and look to for support, encouragement direction and guidance.

Thank you Bev, for your post. As a single guy turning 50 in a couple of months, who hasn't much experience with relationships with women, this was well needed for me. My longest relationship with a woman is one still going on, as "just a friend" with someone I've known for 24 years. I've always had the dreaded "B word" (buddy) used by women that I've strongly been attracted to.

Because of my inexperience and age, I've been working on improving myself, both physically and mentally. I've checked out relationship advice online from so-called experts. I can't stand the pick up artist attitude and so it would never work with me. I found one guy, John Alanis, who gives advice and sells information. I get emails from him in a regular basis. At first being a crossdresser, I was put off with his reference to "girly men." But when he uses this term, he's refering to ther kind of emo guy that's so popular in today's media. He says that women say they want a sensitive guy, but it's an inherent trait for them to go for a guy with "personal authority." In other words, the traits you listed above, "strength of character, self respect, self image, and confidence."

I wanted to comment on this thread since it was first started but waited until now so I had more time and energy to hopefully be coherent. Thank you for validating the areas I know I need to work on.

[DianeDeBris]

If you take the 'h' out of threat you'll feel entirely different!

Andrea - that's a dandy notion and I'm going to start using it - thanks!

Bev -- as everyone has noted in various ways, kudos for helping us all to some excellent recognitions! I do have one question, however: where (or what!) is a Grimsby? <g>

Hugs, Diane

[AlannahNorth]

"your just wired slightly different"

That's it - you've got it right there! I've been realizing this over the past year, and those terms are what I've been using to express myself to others.

Interesting post - thank you for the insight, and the advice.