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Thread: How to be the CD that women are attracted to.

  1. #26
    Senior Member Bev06 GG's Avatar
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    Very nice Janessa,
    Thanks ladies for your kind comments but as many of you have said a positive attitude works wonders in every walk of your life. I had to do a talk a couple of weeks at a School Inspectors Convention and tell them about my job and what it was that I did for a living. By the time I'd finished several of them said that I had made my job sound really exciting and something that if they didn't already have a career, theyde certainly be interested in giving mine a go.

    Maybe thats another school of thought when someone asks you why you CD. Tell them all the positive and exciting things that you get to do over and above a regular guy. Make it sound as exciting as it can be if you let go of your inhibitions. I started my talk with the Words "I am so proud of what I do and who I work for" and I said it with conviction. Maybe instead of running for cover when someone talks about your CDing its time to say much the same and make it sound like an attractive alternative lifestyle. Dont immediately assume that theyre going to be condeming of your chosen lifestyle, they may well be, but imagine if they were actually interested and you made it sound so wonderful that they wondered what they were missing out on. Enthusiasm is very catching and there is something very attractive about someone who has a very positive attitude to life.
    A few years ago I was at a party with some friends when one guy started to talk about his hobby. I feared the worst because it was Fishing, something that I cannot for the life of me muster up any interest or ehthusiasm whatsoever. However, by the time this guy had finished telling us all about it I wanted to go and give it ago. Needless to say I did do and decided that yes my first thoughts were correct, fishing was definitely not for me. But hey, how did he manage to convince me that it was worth giving a go, Enthusiasm. Ok he didn't turn me into an enthusiast myself but he motivated me to give it ago and almost convinced me that it was exciting. Beleive me that was a miracle in itself.
    Take care and have a lovely positive day
    Bev
    PS Andrea I take your point but wanting to feel safe in an uncertain world isn't a weak feminine kind of feeling. Its wanting that certainty of someone dependable to face life with. Giving you stability, companionship, trust, acceptance, unconditional love and everything else that goes with it. Not all GGs are timid wall flowers, but most appreciate a strong loving dependable partner to help them face anything that life has to throw their way.
    Last edited by Bev06 GG; 07-28-2009 at 12:38 AM. Reason: PS

  2. #27
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    Thank you Bev for that reply. I certainly agree with you whole heartedly both from my female and my male side. I believe that there is no distinction between genders with regard to wanting to feel safe, secure, accepted, wanted, strong, dependent and independant, etc, etc equally, it's a human thing.
    Last edited by Andrea_1948; 07-28-2009 at 01:01 AM.

  3. #28
    Senior Member Bev06 GG's Avatar
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    Yes your dead right there Andrea, and the easiest way to get that is to give it. Which can mean that as the CD you have to be the one to stand up and be counted and meet people where they are with all their prejudices and misunderstandings. You can change the world, but you have to do it one person at a time.
    Bev

  4. #29
    Senior Member vivianann's Avatar
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    I agree 100% Bev. since I have come out of the closet 3 yrs ago, and went out in public enfemm, I went out and acted like I owned the place, and much to my surprise peaple responded positively to me, hundreds of peaple over the past 3 yrs told me they admired my confidence and courage to dress how I prefer to dress. I do walk aroud holding my head high, and from what peaple who see me enfemme say, they say I become animated and I light up the area when I am interacting with everyone around me, whether it is at a party, a store, or any public setting, I like to talk to peaple about crossdressing, I welcome peaple to ask questions about it because as Bev says it, I am educating one person at a time by answering their questions and presenting myself accordingly by dressing nice but not over the top, smile when you encounter peaple, I tell peaple I love to wear dresses, or to dress as a woman, I have gained many wonderful friendships as a result of going out enfemme. and from the many experiences I have had while dressed enfemme, women do respond positively to me. I all too often encounter many crossdressers who look better than I do enfemme, who are to scared to go out the door enfemme, it is sad and disapointing at times. I am not all that passable but that does not stop me, and I really enjoy being out enfemme as Vivian and interacting with the general public, and I have had hundreds of wonderful experiences in public when I am dressed as a woman. I am addicted to going out the door enfemme because I know I will have wonderful experiences. Bev, I really enjoyed reading what you posted on this thread, and I really appreciate the wonderful advice you are giving us in this community. You are singing my tune for sure.
    Huggs Vivian.

  5. #30
    Senior Member Kelsy's Avatar
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    Bev,

    We are glad you're in our corner. I always look forward to what you have to say!! I tend to be a an introvert and I struggle to be social!! I am Not ashamed of who I am though No head hanger here! My wife is very out going an I take cues from her. She has taught me to open up and tobe more confident

    Kelsy
    Born female intended

    " Don't die with your music still in you!"

  6. #31
    Aspiring lady! cassandra2601's Avatar
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    Bev

    A very thoughtful and insightful analysis. I think Allie's comments about loving yourself before anyone else will love you.

    I am very fortunate that I have never been in the closet with my close GG friends and they are all fantastic and very encouraging. My SO at the moment loves the whole idea, sex and all so I am very fortunate.

    I think the other key to passing and being accepted is not too overdo it - my SO says that I would stand out because I love great quality clothes and shoes - and people tend to look at you more if you stand out - she has been encouraging me to "tone it down" along with the makeup (**** at heart LOL!) and that softens my face especially when she makes me up..

    So thanks again for your insight - I think you are absolutely right.

    Cassy


    "A girl can dream and when you cannot dream there is always shopping lol!"

  7. #32
    Member carolynn2fem's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Holly View Post
    Bev, In one of the organizations I am affiliated with, I am a Big Sister. I get to spend time with girls and help them build their confidence. The transformations are spectacular. I've seen girls go from being afraid to leave their room (read, closet) to enjoy shopping, dancing, and interacting with the public in general .
    I'd like to know more on this orginization. confidance is something that is lacking with both sides of me. i'm not afraid to put myself out there but i lack the confidance in self doing so

  8. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kathi Lake View Post
    There are a few [SIZE="4"]men[/SIZE] on this site that "fit the bill" of the person Bev is talking about. They have confidence, they have class, and they have attitude (one in particular, oh curmudgeonly one!).
    There. I corrected that for you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kathi Lake View Post
    Heck, society thinks that most of the "actresses" out there have actual talent, when all they really have going for them is what they can stuff inside their WonderBra,
    I used to think that, too, and that may be the case for a lot of the flash-in-the-pan Hollyweird "talent." But think about the most successful actors. They do have something a little different; something other than just their looks. They have a kind of charisma that's hard to describe -- a magnetic personality. That's why people will watch every movie with a certain actor in them, even if the movie itself is rubbish. If you ever get the chance to meet some of them in person, you'll understand.



    Quote Originally Posted by Andrea_1948 View Post
    Well said Bev, I feel validated now and by a GG,
    I think you've completely missed Bev's point. You shouldn't be looking externally for validation. That's the "self" part of "self confidence."


    Quote Originally Posted by Andrea_1948 View Post
    then doesn't that infer the timidness many of us seem to display on this board is therefore a part of the feminine personna we strive to acheive?
    Why is timidity something to strive for? I daresay it isn't. I find it a pathetic quality in women, and it's downright repulsive in men. The kind of woman I like is like my great-granny, riding across the plains in a covered wagon, shooting Indians -- the proverbial one to "ride the river with." Gentle and classy, but solid and dangerous.

    I guess I just missed the part of "transvestite" that says I have to change my voice, squat to pee, rename myself, act fey, and simper. All the Jungian psychology may have some truth to it, but to the rest of humanity, it just sounds like making excuses for engaging in what, for most of us, is simply a pleasurable activity.

  9. #34
    Senior Member Bev06 GG's Avatar
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    Thats the word isn't it. CHARISMA. When you walk into a room people notice you and its nothing to do with how you look, its just a presence. Its something from deep within that comes pouring out when your with people and they kind of like being around you. Alot of charismatic people are people lovers, they take an interest, without being nosey, in others around them and they enjoy every minute of being in someone else's company. Their focus is never directed at themselves but others around them and thats an attractive attribute in anyone specially today when society has become a tad self obsessed.
    Take care
    Bev

  10. #35
    Banned Read only Satrana's Avatar
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    Excellent post Bev, worthy to be made a sticky. I hope all members take your advice to heart. It is time to move on from all the self pity we see around here.

  11. #36
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    Interesting posts, Bev, but you're setting a lot of us up for a fall. To quote Dave DeAngelo, attraction isn't a choice. People either feel it or they don't. And if there's something that turns us off about a person, nothing in the world is going to change that. I don't know a lot of guys (alright, I don't know any) who are turned on by a woman in a man's haircut, wearing a mustache, a man's suit, underwear and shoes, wearing Brut or Old Spice aftershave, doing her best to emulate a male in every mannerism she can. Unfortunately for us, that same problem holds true for most women when they look at us. I'm not saying there aren't women out there that may be interested in us; but no amount of confidence is going to automatically turn the other 99% around. There are plenty of confident a$$holes out there too, that aren't attractive to anyone either. Confidence is good, yes, but it's only one part of a many pieced puzzle.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  12. #37
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    Thanks Bev for this wonderful post and all the responses that have come along with it. Confidence IS the key here and tho I'm still developing it, I'm sure one day I'll come completely out of the closet. It's often not easy for us to do so, but with the support of others like yourself, it will happen.

  13. #38
    The best of both worlds Kathi Lake's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MissConstrued View Post
    There. I corrected that for you.
    Thank you, MisterConstrued.

    Kathi

  14. #39
    Senior Member Bev06 GG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sometimes_miss View Post
    Interesting posts, Bev, but you're setting a lot of us up for a fall. To quote Dave DeAngelo, attraction isn't a choice. People either feel it or they don't. And if there's something that turns us off about a person, nothing in the world is going to change that. I don't know a lot of guys (alright, I don't know any) who are turned on by a woman in a man's haircut, wearing a mustache, a man's suit, underwear and shoes, wearing Brut or Old Spice aftershave, doing her best to emulate a male in every mannerism she can. Unfortunately for us, that same problem holds true for most women when they look at us. I'm not saying there aren't women out there that may be interested in us; but no amount of confidence is going to automatically turn the other 99% around. There are plenty of confident a$$holes out there too, that aren't attractive to anyone either. Confidence is good, yes, but it's only one part of a many pieced puzzle.
    Well I couldn't agree more with you on that one. I dont know one single guy who is turned on by a woman dressed as a man, however, your talking like a bloke and from a male perspective there. Men are visual, they are attracted to beauty, if you asked guys what they were first attracted to regarding thier spouse their looks would be at the top of the list. Women on the other hand rate personality as one of the hightest priorities and are very attracted to confident individuals, the looks although still there is way down on the list of priorities for a spouse.

    We regularly have get togethers with our friends at our home. We have around 14 couples that we regularly mix with, all with accepting wives. I doubt very much if that would happen if it were the other way round and it was the lady dressed as the guy so that just goes to show how different we are from men.
    Take care and thanks for your thoughts.
    Bev

  15. #40
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    Sometimes miss -
    Thing is, it may be harder for a TG to find an accepting wife, but lacking confidence makes it even harder.

    There is always taslk of confidence and having it but where does it come from?
    You have to get to the point where you are comfy with yourself and you cannot let a blow to your ego keep you down. They come, just get back up.

    If you can at least fake condifence and be polite, that attracts people or at least keeps them from givingyou a hard time. "hey this person is cool, that is refreshing" is what many will think.

    When you feel like slouching in feeling nervous, that is when it is most important to pull your head back up.

    Those intimidated by your confidence will not mess with you, and those who find it attractive will possibly be new friends, and, maybe a new lover.

    I am still trying to perfect my feelings of confidence, it is getting way better. And it it paying off.
    It takes a true Erin to be a pain in the assatar.

  16. #41
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    Quote Originally Posted by MissConstrued View Post
    I think you've completely missed Bev's point. You shouldn't be looking externally for validation. That's the "self" part of "self confidence."
    Actually, I did understand her point, I was just being a little cocky. I get that way sometimes, it's a trait, or perhaps a hormone I inherited from somewhere.

    Quote Originally Posted by MissConstrued View Post
    Why is timidity something to strive for? I daresay it isn't.
    I agree.

    Quote Originally Posted by MissConstrued View Post
    I find it a pathetic quality in women, and it's downright repulsive in men. The kind of woman I like is like my great-granny, riding across the plains in a covered wagon, shooting Indians -- the proverbial one to "ride the river with." Gentle and classy, but solid and dangerous.
    Totally agree.

    Quote Originally Posted by MissConstrued View Post
    I guess I just missed the part of "transvestite" that says I have to change my voice, squat to pee, rename myself, act fey, and simper. All the Jungian psychology may have some truth to it, but to the rest of humanity, it just sounds like making excuses for engaging in what, for most of us, is simply a pleasurable activity.
    I couldn't agree with you more!!! Given that the Jungian theory [going beyond Freud's pleasure-pain principle (if it feels good, do it)] encompasses the entire self, physical as well as emotional, they play on each other to describe the whole of ones self and attitude toward things. So, by putting on pretty and soft clothing my physical self is stroking my emotional self and damn it feels good!
    Given that, why is it that sometimes I end up feeling like I'm one of Pavlov's dogs? I guess because my sense of community (and employment) tells me that I have to conform. At least when I'm in view of the public.

    By the way MissConstrued I like you.
    Last edited by Andrea_1948; 07-28-2009 at 05:07 PM.

  17. #42
    Breakin' social taboos TGMarla's Avatar
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    Thanks Bev! What a great post! And you are sooooo right about what you're saying. That's what's so great about having real girls here on this forum. You said exactly what most of us need to hear. That's one reason I come here. Nowhere else can I hear that kind of input. You rock, girlfriend!

    I don't go out much. If I were single, or with a more accepting wife, I'd likely get out a whole lot more. The primary reason I stay housebound most of the time is out of deference to her. Otherwise, I'd likely be running around en femme much of my spare time. I was real nervous the first time I left the house. But I found that when I was actually out and about, I had very little real nervousness. I carried myself like I belonged where I was, wherever I was. And no one even batted an eye at me, except in an approving manner, likely because I am almost always dressed very nicely. And while wearing a dress likely drew more attention to me, all I experienced was positive attention. And this increased my confidence. As a result of increased confidence, that confidence probably showed, and made the experience even more positive.

    PMA, bay-bee! Positive Mental Attitude. It carries one a long way. We should all try it sometime! Thanks again, Bev. I'm glad you're here, and I'm glad to call you my friend.

    Any money found in the laundry is MINE!


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  18. #43
    Faith's Girl Kimberly Marie Kelly's Avatar
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    Smile 100% correct.

    I'm Transsexual and so far I've come out to about 30 people so far with positive responses from all. I have come to believe as you that if your are confident, don't project an air of timidity and are accepting of yourself, then others will accept you as well. The moment you think, what you are is wrong, others will pick up on it and will reflect that feeling back to you.

    Excellent advice for anyone. Kim
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    With Love,
    Kimberly


    "Count it pure joy when the world comes crashin
    hold your head up and keep on dancin" MercyMe

  19. #44
    Junior Member CLARRISA's Avatar
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    A lot of What you say struck a lot of chords with me...i'd say i'm the introvert shy type..Even though i have the confidence to go out and about as Clarrisa, as regards talking to people and trying to attract a woman to love and accept me, well, it gets me down, i do feel ashamed and think they'd see this as a weakness, they'd wipe the floor with me, boss me around & show me no respect when back in guy mode.....Your message was just what needed to see..thank you....

  20. #45
    Member Paige.'s Avatar
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    What a wonderful post Bev. I couldn't agree more with you that it isn’t just the physical outer feminine beauty that is attractive in a CD. It is the self-confidence and self-respect that brings out an inner beauty and essence that is attractive to GG’s.

    Your insightful comments are important not only to the CD's to whom you directed them but to GG's as well. I think it is incumbent on those of us that are attracted to CD’s, to encourage and support them, and to let them know that we admire those qualities you spoke of. Yes they are wired differently, but then so are we, aren’t we? Those of us that are attracted to CD's must continue to offer support and nourishment and to let them know they are loved and respected as CD’s and as men. Your post made me reflect on my own attitude towards CD’s, and whether I measure up. I think I do and I can only hope I can be as supportive and positive as you. Thank you for showing the way.

    I firmly believe that many more men would openly share their feminine side by dressing if they were introduced to it in a suitable manner, knowing without a shred of doubt they would be accepted and admired, and not be ridiculed, laughed at or taunted by the GG in their life.
    "It takes a real man to dress as a woman."

  21. #46
    Banned Read only Satrana's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Paige. View Post
    I firmly believe that many more men would openly share their feminine side by dressing if they were introduced to it in a suitable manner, knowing without a shred of doubt they would be accepted and admired, and not be ridiculed, laughed at or taunted by the GG in their life.
    If that were so then you would witness a deluge of CDs leaping out of their closets without a moment of hesitation.

    I have mentioned before that a critical difference between gay rights movements and the TG movement is that gays do not have to face society's prejudices alone. When they appear in gay pride parades they can march hand in hand with their partners. The lack of widespread GG acceptance is a major stumbling block that keeps CDs not just stuck in closets but also off the streets and therefore off society's radar.

  22. #47
    Live until you die! Carin's Avatar
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    It's in the water

    Well said Bev and thank you for what you had to say in all your posts in this thread. I can only speak from my own POV.

    To answer the questions on where this attitude and self confidence comes from, I believe that you have to drink from the fountain of Self Respect. I won't say it is easy. We have our cultural indoctrinations to deal with. But if you can put that aside and look at your own character with pride and respect - if that is how you see yourself - that is how you will project yourself - and that is how others will see you.

    It's a win-win. You feel happier with your self, others feel good about you. They might even want to spent time with you .

    The first step in gaining self respect is to leave other people out of the equation. Society, your parents, your SO, your Boss - all of them may have their own opinions of respect for you. But self respect comes from inside your self. That is why it's called SELF respect. Just like respect for others, self respect must be earned. Are you behaving as an honorable human being with personal character and respect for others? At any moment in time, are you making the best decision that you can in that moment. You have no-one to convince except yourself.
    Carin

    I have gone on a journey in search if myself. If you find me before I return, please hold on to me until I get back.
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  23. #48
    Senior Member Bev06 GG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Satrana View Post
    I have mentioned before that a critical difference between gay rights movements and the TG movement is that gays do not have to face society's prejudices alone. When they appear in gay pride parades they can march hand in hand with their partners. The lack of widespread GG acceptance is a major stumbling block that keeps CDs not just stuck in closets but also off the streets and therefore off society's radar.
    Take your point Satrana,
    But I bet there are more accepting wives and partners than you think there are. Now whether or not they'de be prepared to march through the streets with thier CDs is another thing.
    However, there would be nothing stopping CDs from doing it. If there was enough of them it would certainly cause a stir and I am certain that someone would hold your hand and encourage you along the way honey.
    Take care
    Bev

  24. #49
    Member Ms Mira's Avatar
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    Nice post(s) Bev.

    I have been extremely guilty (and still am guilty) about feeling bad about myself for being a CD, asking 'why me?' type questions and letting those negative feelings directly affect my dating and social lives. But I feel like I've turned a corner mentally recently, thanks in large part to this site; I am working on being more self-confident in general, just enjoying being a crossdresser (because that's what I am), being honest with myself and not going into emotional woe-is-me tailspins. It's not easy, but introducing a little bit of levity into the situation helps a lot.

    Reading your post helped reinforce my desire to improve in these ways.

    Thanks Bev.

  25. #50
    Member PhillyGuy2Girl's Avatar
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    Bev,
    Great Post.when I first started CDing, I felt awkward when I would shop for women's clothes, but now when I do,I do with confidence and no more awkward feelings.Now if I can get out to a CD/TV event,that will be the icing on the cake.


    Felicity
    "Its now official,my femme name is Felicity"

    Have to drink to that.


    "Proud To Be My Wife's Part Time Wife"

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