GG Needs guidance please....

[nicky22]

Hello everyone. I am so grateful to have found this forum. I could really use some advice.

I have been in a great relationship with the most amazing man I've ever known for a year and a half. About 2 months into the relationship I noticed my panties disapearing so I asked him if he knew where my panties were going. Right away he shows me where they are...he had been collecting and stashing thm away. So I said alright...just ask and you an have them. Next day, he unzips his jeans to show me he's weairing a pair and says, I just wanna feel something that was next to you next to me. I say...that's awesome, which has led to a very involved panty situation..which I actually like. Then...he starts wearing my clothes at home and attributes this to feeling naighty and I'm also fine with that.

Here's where it's starting to get a little complicated for me to handle. I inedverantly discover a wig collection, breast forms, shoes, make-up..the whole thing. He doesn't know that I know. I travel quite a bit for business and this happenned right before I went on the road for 2 weeks. Which was good because I was able to have my freak out on my own, otherwise probably I would have caused some sort of unhealthy scene. During that time I searched the internet and read everything I could about crossdressing, have calmed down a bit and am trying to get some perspective.

I am out of town do to a family thing and am going home this weekend. Deciding that I need to get him to show me this other side completely, I made the suggestion that maybe we should go shopping for a wig and other things cuz it would be fun. He jumped on that.

So now I am again having a bit of a freak out because I am fine with the underwear and lingerie and my clothes and stuff but am a little worried about what the next step is going to hold. I'm not sure I'm prepared for the full on experience but I love him so much and want him to do whatever it is he needs to do and embrace it. But I don't know how to handle it. Plus...I know that he already has all of thie stuff he's now all excited to shop with me for and I hate that he won't just come out with it and tell me. Althoug I think that the comfort level of doing this together might be what he needs.

Sorry about the long post but I am very nervous about fully seeing him as her and really love him and am worried about how I am going to react to her. How do I do this? I do feel even closer to him now but terrified about what's to come at the same time. Not sure I am ready for this. My biggest worry is that now that I have given him permission it's going to take over and change our relationship. I can totally see him as being a submissive woman and I'm not sure I know how to handle that either. But I love hime and I'm in this no matter what but help. How do you deal with a girlfriend and boyfriend in the same package? I know that seeing him in a wig is gonna be pretty dramatic. Plus he's a big athletic guy so it's a little hard to picture.

anyway...sorry again for the long post. Any advice would be so apprecited.

Nicky

[Joanne f]

Hello nicky and welcome,
well if you are not ready for it then say so and you ask if it is going to take over you relationship , i can`t truly answer that but from the sound of what you have said i would hazard a guess at yes it will as if what you have said is right then he is well into it already and sorry to say but the "i wore them because they are yours is one of are biggest excuse`s when we get caught.
Anyway it seams like you are happy to go quite far with it so tell him that and enjoy but just take it at your pace as his was set long ago .

[CharlotteW]

Oh wow! What a fantastic lady you are, he's a very luck man to have found you.
I have to pop out now to do a job but I'll be thinking about this question whilst I'm out, I'll post my reply later.

Take care.

Charlotte

[Sandra]

Nicky

I've got to get sorted for work so not got the time to post a proper reply, so I'll catch up tomorrow.

In the mean time have a read of this forum and check out the Loved Ones section, on things for sure you've come to the right place for advise and support.

[celeste26]

What you've got there is a full on crossdresser, denials aside. "The Talk" should probably be done while he is dressed in his male clothes and in as comfortable situation as possible. Based upon what you've written it seems like you are as supportive as a person can be and that's good.

But as of yet you dont know where his head is in all of this. Many of us are in denial about our own activities so it would be worthwhile to explore his head on these issues , find out just where he is coming from but insist upon complete honesty, and accept it when he declares that he doesn't even know for sure. That is the most likely response he'll offer you. He might even suggest that you should take the lead and that is throwing the question into your lap, and if you are willing then go for it, but it shouldn't stop there.

It may take some time for him to begin the process of opening up and consider it an act of "exploring" this activity instead of some burden that must be born. It might not though. Is he a member here? If not then you should introduce him to us all and with a thousand friends that both of you have here you can discover many things

Blessings

[Philipa Jane]

Hi Nicki22
You have related a similar situation to my own.
My GG has the same concerns about how much I have in my closet and how this could affect our relationship.
I do think you both should read the post on "How to tell your Partner".You can find this at the start of the forum.
My partner and I talked and I have told her everything about how I cross dress.We are still working on the why.I am sure at this stage she does not want to see me dressed but if you are Ok with this let it happen.
Finally "See the person not the problem"
Philipa Jane

[Holly]

First of all, , Nicky. Second thing, take a deep breath.

Let me say right up front, that I think you are doing just fine. You've shown a lot of care and compassion by researching to see what your BF is involved with. Now it's his turn to step up to the plate. Your discovery of his wigs, breast forms, etc., would appear to indicate he has an interest in things feminine. You are certainly entitled to know how deep his interests are. You are equally entitled to set boundaries as to how far you are willing to be a part of or participate in this part of his life. Set those boundaries right from the start. How about this for a starter...

Choose a time when the two of you will have several hours of uninterrupted time together, perhaps an evening. Prepare a nice meal around a relaxed atmosphere. Start a conversation along the lines of, "I think it is so special that you want to be so close to me that you wear things that are mine. It makes me feel that there is a special connection between the two of us. But I would be being less than honest with you if I didn't tell you that I am worried about where all this may be leading. I do want to understand and to support you because I love you so much. But I need you to tell me about this part of your life so I can see just where I fit in." Of course, you should only do this it that is truly the way you feel. But from looking at your post, it looks to me as if that is where your heart is. You've been together for a year and a half; by this time, you should both be able to share your feelings with one another without fear. Please let us know how things work out.

[Blaire]

Hello Nicky, and welcome!

I bet he's a little unsure. You sound almost too good to be true. Usually it's the other way around

The great thing here is that you get to make most of the rules, and one of those rules is setting limits. What "next step" are you worried about? You need to be able to answer that for yourself before you offer a blank slate to him, otherwise you may find yourself regretting it, and there's not really any going back. There can be an evolution of sorts with where "things end up" over time.

You deserve a great deal of kudos for doign the research, finding out all you can. It's awesome! But you also have freak-out on your mind, so a cautious step is needed. I think going shopping is a big icebreaker, maybe too big. You have to be careful: he's been semi-sneaking for what to him are all the right reasons, and coming on too strong too quick may seem like you're out to embarass or entrap him. Something more in-house may be more appropriate to start breaching his walls. Something simple, dramatic, and private would be to have some lipstick under your pillow to slip on him next time you're intimate (if you're sure YOU are up for that). It can be difficult from his point of view to see you at face value, and realise that's all there is. You sound very supportive, so be supportive.

The key things here are to let him know that you're ok with him wearing the clothes and the like. You sound like you're nervous with the full-meal-deal of forms, wigs, and the less superficial things - use the limits that are your right to set to take that at your own pace. How do you deal with both boy- and girl-friend in one package? How do you deal with 2-for-1 sales? It's that much an advantage for you if you're able to integrate the two into your life.

It will take time and patience on both your parts, but anything worth anything takes time, work, and patience. A relationship like yours definately sounds like it's worth something. Remember that Expections - Realisations = Disappointments. Baby steps!

[RachR]

Nicky,
Remember communication is key to any relationship. There's no need to directly confront him about the collection of things you found. As you say, you care dearly for this man so if you want to find out where things are going you have to ask. It's a scary ordeal for sure, but it has to be done. Nothing good will come from not talking about it.

One idea that he my have already is that you're ok with the whole thing. This idea has been most likely drawn out indirectly by allowing him to wear your underwear and clothes. You've expressed concern that you're not entirely ok with the whole situation, but by allowing/encouraging his actions he may take it as a sign of you being ok with everything. Something else to consider is that he was trying to slowly get you used to seeing him in female attire before telling you the whole story. It's hard to share something seens as "socially unacceptable" to people we see as "normal" but we still care about them and want them in our lives.

If you really do have genuine concerns that it will effect the relationship then you need to express them. If you agree to letting things continue the way they are then be sure to watch for any changes you're concerned about now and talk about them. You have as much right to having the relationship you want, as he has the right to have what he wants. Relationships that work are never "all or nothing" there has to be compromise on both sides.

I guess the only real advice I can give is that you need to communicate with him. Stay calm in the discussion no matter how he might react. Also, remember to be true to yourself. If you really aren't ok with something, you have to evalute if it's to a level where you're willing to pass on the relationship.

-Rachael

[TGMarla]

Hi there, Nicki. The other ladies have already given you some very sound advice. Please do not seize upon his failure to disclose this to you before now. His reasons are quite simple. He's scared. He's afraid of losing you over it. So he discloses his information a little at a time. He coveted your panties, and told you it's because he wants something that was close to you close to him. That's only partially true. I'm guessing the truer reason is that he enjoys wearing panties.

It's quite probable that he feels the same for you as you do for him. And the risk of losing someone that is that dear to you over something like crossdressing is a great fear in many of us. For this reason, many of us keep this part of our lives to ourselves, lest we risk losing that which is most dear to us. And whereas there are many GGs here that are truly supportive and accepting of their crossdressing men, I think they still are the exception rather than the rule. So it's easy for the crossdresser to assume that his unique behavior will not go over well with his SO. You hold all the cards here. You can really change his life by giving him your acceptance and support.

He's allowed you the knowledge of his affinity for panties, then the feminine clothing. But to him, he has no idea of how to tell you about the wigs and the breast forms. It's most likely that he stews about this on a daily basis, and that it worries him a great deal.

There is a fallacy that is held to be truth that most crossdressers want to be women, and will ultimately opt for a gender reassignment. The truth, however, is that most crossdressers, way over 95% of them, will never go that route, even if they desire it. Those are pretty safe odds. I don't think you should worry about that at this point.

And lastly, thank you for trying to educate yourself about all this before you jump into any kind of confrontation with him about this. I've often said on this forum that crossdressing is a lousy reason to end a relationship. But it's a great reason to allow a couple to grow closer together. I wish you both well. Perhaps we will see much more of both of you here. I would welcome it, and so would everyone else here.

[Angelofsomekind]

I don't have time to read everyone elses posts so sorry if I repeat. When my wife found out she came back the next day with a list of questions for me. The usual are you gay, so on and so forth. But she also wanted to see all the clothes I had. She wanted to know how far I wanted to go with it. I would tell him you want to see everything he has so you know what you are getting into. Or you can phrase it better for him, you want to know what he has so you know what you need to get for him. I don't think it's fair for you if he can't be honest with you about it.
As far as where he's going with all this, I don't know if he can really say. He may know, but we all change as time goes on. I never wanted to transition or ever have surgerys or anything like that, I still don't, but I hear of a lot of people who start off like I have but end up wanting more.

[Blaire]

Or you can phrase it better for him, you want to know what he has so you know what you need to get for him.

That is a beautiful combination of power and simplicity...

[Leanne2]

Hi Nicky,
I am so glad that you came to this site looking for answers. You say that you love your guy but it is obvious that you don't know everything about him. My suggestion is for you to not commit to him fully until you are comfortable with his dressing. I know that he will promise anything to not loose you. We tend to do that. But most of the time these are promises that we aren't able to keep.
Do the research, talk to other wives ( there is a GG section in this site ), and take it slow. Being with a TS/TG/CD person can be wonderful or it can be awful. And don't think that you can change him later. You can only change yourself. Good luck, Leanne

[Alicia_lynn419]

Hi,

I can only echo what so many others have already written. Your BF is extremely lucky that he has found someone so understanding in you. But you are allowed to have questions, voice your concerns, set some limits. He probably won't believe all his fears did NOT come true. Communication IS key.. so is trust and respect.

Have the talk.. I imagine things will work out fine. Good luck!

[Sarah_GG]

Hi Nicky

Welcome to the forum, you've come to the right place and you'll get some excellent advice from everyone. You might also want to join us on the FAB (female at birth) forum on this site after you've made 10 posts.

I have known about my SO for just over a year. Like you, I found out the full extent of his dressing before he told me. I did a ton of research on this site. At first it was jaw dropping! I would read something and think it couldn't possibly apply to me or my SO. I'd go away think about it, let it sink in and it seemed to find acceptance within me. A year later it's all absolutely fine, it's no longer the over riding part of our relationship, it's just part of it. We have a lot of fun with it.

You seem to have accepted so much about your SOs predilections so don't be too put off or shocked by what you read and remember that not all of it applies to your SO - transgenderism is a very wide and varied spectrum.

There is a thread somewhere about the pendulum of acceptance, I think it's something like 'now I like it, now I don't' which is very helpful. I'll try and find it and put a link up, if one of the regulars doesn't beat me to it!

Once you've had some open communication with your SO you can start to allay your fears and discuss your feelings.

[nicky22]

thank you all so very much...I am so grateful for the replies. There are alot of things I'd like to follow up on regarding your comments, and I will later if that's alright. Should be working but this has taken over my days lately. I do have one question I just thought of. Do you feel like your authentic self is really your femme side, or do you feel split between both worlds? I guess my bigeest concern is that I don't even know his authentic self and she may be a completely different relationship to deal with and that scares me. I am such a one dimensional, no baggage, what you see is what you get person and I can't even imagine living with a secret you're afraid to share and worse...not being allowed to be your authentic self in a relationship. I love my BF so much...I don't want him to carrry that burden but at the same time it's reallt scary.

Thanks again so much, I can't even begin to tell you how much better I feel.

Much love....Nicky

[Sheila]

Nicky the link Sarah is on about is [SIZE=4]HERE, just click on the word her that is highlighted and it will take you straight to it .[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Hun if you feel uncomfortable about anything, then please don't force yourself to do it, Rome wasn't built in a day and by talking to each other you stand a far better chance of making this work for both of you and your relationship.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Welcome to the forum [/SIZE]

[GaleWarning]

I do have one question I just thought of. Do you feel like your authentic self is really your femme side, or do you feel split between both worlds? I guess my bigeest concern is that I don't even know his authentic self and she may be a completely different relationship to deal with and that scares me. I am such a one dimensional, no baggage, what you see is what you get person and I can't even imagine living with a secret you're afraid to share and worse...not being allowed to be your authentic self in a relationship. I love my BF so much...I don't want him to carrry that burden but at the same time it's reallt scary.

Nicky, I am a lot like you; straight up and down. I am me, however I am dressed. You need not have any worries about what the "authentic you" is. You will not change, so please never feel any guilt about who you are or any pressure to change. If things get too, much (and I doubt that they will), be strong and walk away.

Your bf fits somewhere along a huge CD/TG spectrum, and one of the joys of your journey will be to find out exactly where this is.
As long as you and he can quickly agree NOT to keep any secrets, and always to be open and honest in your communication with each other, you should both be fine.

Your attitude gives this relationship a much more than even chance of being successful. Your bf is one lucky man! (and I use that word deliberately, never forget that underneath the clothes, he is still a he).

[mklinden2010]

GG,

Well, I think you hit the right nail on the head:

"Who is this guy? Does even he know?"

Sounds like you've got an experienced, if partially clueless, CDer on your hands, at the very least.

Since he's not come out to you about his longer-time interest and he's playing you along, I'd be suspect of both his methods and his intentions.

One, it's bothersome that he'd not just come out and say:

"Wow. I'm glad you cool with this. Truth is..."

Two, my guess is he doesn't know where he's going with this and he's going to be a bit of an idiot for a while.

But, what can you do until you know more about yourself and what you're doing?

Still, here's the saving grace: he seems like an OK person otherwise, right?

So, here's what's what... If you're interested in pursuing this guy for the sake of a long term relationship, I suggest you say, "Look, bub, you've picked a pretty smart cookie to hang out with. Here's what I think is going on. Now, what do you think is going on?"

And, like I said, odds are he doesn't actually know yet. But, you should both know that he'll be on a hormone high for a while with all this and it's a bit like being drunk. There will be talk of "sex as a woman, finding my female side, just helps me relax, helps my sex life," etc. Later, when more sober, both of you will go, "Oh, hmmm. Well, turns out I/he/we are mostly about this or that. And, I feel _____ about the whole thing."

Time will tell because it takes time to process all the good and bad (dumb) ideas that neither of you have had the time, inclination, or opportunity to think up and process. A lot of this is "learn by doing/not doing."

It would be a lot easier on you if he'd do is own homework in all this - you'd think. But, the deal is, someone like you is part of his homework - just like someone like him is part of your homework, as it turns out. Well, that's dating... Learn from each other and see where you wind up.

Oh, as to your question... The longer a person does something like this, and the more time passes and the more questions get asked and answered, the less the difference between who the person is/seems to be when doing one thing or another.

I noticed this years ago at a "support" meeting when I realized most the older/practiced CDers where "the same person" all the time, and the youngest/just out CDers acted like kids at their first neighborhood birthday party. We'd just sit and listen, then say, "Well, good for you. Now, would you like to go with us for coffee?" Knowing, of course, that once they got past their nervousness at the support meeting, we'd get to know the real "them" better over coffee.

(Example: To a newbie who had been just shaking at the meeting... "So, you were a tank commander in the Gulf War?" "Yes, first in..." Insert here 90 minutes of blowing up "those poor dumb Iraqi tank drivers." TMI, and nothing to do with CDing. Interesting use of tax dollars though...)

Expect your BF to play a role for a while, but one day he'll probably be dressed in his finest and start an unladylike yelling at some football game on television.

Some things never change...

Thanks for checking and good luck.

PS

You know, now is fine for playing around at this, but come back later and ask about how we all work with this long-term. Once you're past this wrinkle yourself, for example, you'll have to consider how your family, your kids, your neighbors, etc. might feel/react to all this. You can "out muscle" their knee-jerk reactions fairly easily if you can demonstrate that this is only part of who he/you together are. It's like, "Yeah, he hunts deer - and he shoots a lot of trees. But, it keeps him busy and he so "owes" me when I want to do something..."

[MissConstrued]

I'm sure you feel a bit deceived by all the stash, but it sounds like he's trying to bring you up to speed a bit at a time. At least he's not trying to hide it completely, so tell him you'll give him a little credit for that.

So now I am again having a bit of a freak out because I am fine with the underwear and lingerie and my clothes and stuff but am a little worried about what the next step is going to hold.
[...]
Althoug I think that the comfort level of doing this together might be what he needs.

I think you'll find that nothing will slow him down faster than positive encouragement, strange as that sounds. It's the forbidden quality of it all that's part of the attraction. Your way of dealing with this indicates to me that he's pretty much a regular guy, so work with that attitude. He's just a regular guy with an odd fashion sense. Dress him up, take him out, get him drunk, take him home and boink him silly. A couple times a month with that, and you should have a happy camper.

Just avoid treating this like a problem, instead of a hobby or a kinky thing. Maybe you're not totally turned on, but I'll bet not everything you like turns him on either.

Sorry about the long post but I am very nervous about fully seeing him as her and really love him and am worried about how I am going to react to her.

There is no "her." It's just your guy, in drag. You might have to make sure he doesn't forget that, like a lot of people here seem to have. Like sissystephanie says about how his late wife saw him: "lady on the outside, man underneath." Slap him silly if he starts to lisp.

Do you feel like your authentic self is really your femme side, or do you feel split between both worlds?

My authentic self is me... an obnoxious redneck. On occasion, an obnoxious redneck wearing makeup.

[Joanne f]

I may be wrong but i get the feeling that your boyfriend is and has been way into Cding for a long time and he will have no problem in discussing it with you , in fact i would say that he will be over the moon , now you ask how much does your female side effect your authentic self , well basically as much as you or the people around you will let it so it will be in there right from the start but hidden until you know it is OK for it to come out , and come out it will as you have already seen to that .

[Ras]

Nicky,

He is inded a very lucky man to have found a very supportive SO. You need to know what his intentions are as well as what is acceptable amount of "dress up" time that will satisify both of your needs and wants.

You need to take is slower until you can accept it all and then again you may love it and want him to dress more often.

Open communication is the key to both of you getting what youwant out of it.

[Marjory]

Always remind him of your needs too. Don't let him get carried away with shopping as we have a feminine side and will shop and buy constantly. Set aside time for you where he is in male mode and is the 100% man you married. Don't let him push you into something you're uncomfortable with be it dressing, buying or going out en femme. Have "discussions" to level the playing field. Support him but don't let him change your life to suit his. Remind him marriage is give and take.
He will make a great husband as he probably can do all house tasks and cooks too. If he's like me he's pretty tough too. He will be caring and understanding.

[AllieSummers]

Hi Nicky,

You are one incredible woman. I have a wife just like you and believe me you are both one in a million.

Let me say that first he has probably been doing this for a long time. Maybe since childhoood. There is a great chance that he will not change much at all from this point forward.

BUT...

Even though you are incredible and love him and sound like you are fairly accepting of it you have to really get in touch with your own feelings and concerns and set some boundaries that both of you are comfortable with.

I can't believe I'm saying this because, from my perspective, I wish my wife and I had no boundaries.

I do know though that boundaries are good and you need to make sure that your end of the relationship is being served too. You don't exist to just please him. You have to be pleased too. My wife needed the boundaries so I accept them.

My wife was scared to death that she was going to lose her husband. That is the first reaction that I've heard from almost every wife I've talked to about this. So I assured her that it wouldn't happen. In my case, that was the truth. If it isn't in his mind then you have got to get him to be honest aobut all of his feelings.

This is where I would also make another important suggestion. Don't just run out and embrace this and start buying stuff for him. You both have to face the past and why he is doing this and what his true feelings are. I would sit him down and make sure he opens up to you, is totally honest about his past and tells you about his stash. Today is where the lies and deceit end. By the way, the lies aren't necessarily designed to hurt you...they might be to avoid hurting you. That is why I lied about it for so long.

To get him to open up you are probably going to have to open up to him. Tell him how much you love him, how you want to stay with him for ever and how you want to support him. You also need to tell him what you are afraid of and what you don't want to see happen. It is all about compromise. If you can reach an agreement on this then it should flourish.

As far as him dressing in front of you goes...that is one of the first things my wife asked me to do. I would help him and definitely watch the transformation. If he does a "reveal" then it might shock you or you might think he looks silly depending on his experience level and skill with makeup. If you see him slowly get ready then you shouldn't bust out in laughter.

Once you come to this agreement and what you need in the relationship then embrace it and then taking him shopping.

If you are like my wife then you'll find that you aren't losing a husband, you are gaining a girlfriend. My wife and I are closer than we've ever been and we've been really close for 25 years.

You might want to take a look at my blog. The link is in my signature below. It is quite extensive now so if you keep going back and back to the firmst post entitled, "In the beginning..." it will chronicle my coming out to my wife and everything that has happened since then. I think it might give you some insight into the ups and downs that might happen over the coming months.

Good luck and IM me if you need anything. I also volunteer my wife if you need to talk to someone that has gone through this.

Kisses,

Allie

P.S. Also be careful because some people will lead you to believe this has to be hard. It isn't going to be easy but it doesn't have to be a terrible curse. It can be a wonderful thing.

[Fab Karen]

An answer to one of the big questions: All CD's are not one unified thing, not all identical in what is right for us. Just as being black, being female, being gay, is not all one simple unified thing under those categories. You'll have to ask him what feels right for him. Obviously he's more than just a panty fetishist, which is what he initially said to you. You need to sit down & talk with him about being okay with it, but that you need open honest answers from him.