I have been a crossdresser in one form or another most of my life (started early in childhood, came out to a supportive SO several years ago), and have decided recently to take a break. This was brought on by a couple of things, including reading postings here and some self examination.
I noticed what appeared to be some very selfish behavior and dishonestly among my fellow crossdressers, and wondered how much of that reflected my own behavior. It bothered me. I wondered about the time spent alone, getting dressed, becoming someone else, and how that time could have been spent otherwise, with others, helping others, or enhancing relationships. It bothered me. I considered the time I have left, which is finite, and how I want to spend it.
I have been open with my former SO about crossdressing, and she was very supportive. I called it off, and are still good friends, which is rare. Our parting had nothing to do with crossdressing - I tell myself that, but somewhere in the back of my mind I wonder if I had spent some of the en femme time focused on us rather than me...well, I just wonder.
Recently there was a comment that we are like alcoholics. I thought about that, and thought about the behaviors typical of individuals caught in addictive cycles, not just alcohol, but gambling, drugs, power, etc. Thought about it a lot, and found there were lots of common characteristics. It bothered me.
I have enjoyed crossdressing, and would never ask anyone else to give it up. It has brought me peace and joy, and will always be a part of who I am. I have used it as a coping mechanism during times of stress, and have felt great freedom while traveling en femme over great distances. Being en femme has allowed me to explore and embrace a side of me which I find to be an essential part of my being. When you pour water from two cups into a bowl, they can never be separated again. I like the blend. It feels right.
However, at this time my femme clothing, shoes, makeup, and supporting materials are packed away. Not purged, just packed. I intend to leave them that way, and see how the next year plays out for me without the physical aspects of Lauren in the picture. Looking forward to seeing how it works out, just as I look forward to exploring different routes when I travel. You never know what beauty you may be missing if you stay on the well-traveled path, so please wish me luck as I take an alternate route.
Stay safe, stay well. Be happy.
Lauren