"But you aren't a girl."

[Gina_G]

So I recently came out to three GG friends. It's gone pretty well with two of them but not so good with the other one. She's not ugly but just, hum not sure how to put it. I can tell she isn't comfortable when I am talking about dressing or shopping or my feelings and why I dress. So I ended up trying not to bring it up in conversation.

The thing is that she said something to me about a month ago that is bothering me a lot. I was joking and said something like "Well you know how us girls are about buying shoes." and she said "But you aren't a girl."

I can't figure out why, but it really bothers me. In the short time I have been crossdressing I have always felt that I just enjoyed dressing and my feminine side. No interest in transitioning.

So factually her statement is true, I am not one of the girls. So why is it bothering me ?

I also seem to have lost interest in dressing but not sure if the two are related.

Your thoughts ?

Thanks

Gina

[TGMarla]

In the movie, Fast Times At Ridgemont High, the science teacher takes the class to the morgue for an autopsy field trip. Spicoli (Sean Penn) tags along. The teacher is taking inventory of his students, spots Spicoli, and asks him, "Are you in my class?" His response: "I am today."

So the next time you are bothered by a "But you aren't a girl" comment, you can respond with "I am today."

[DonnaT]

You may not be all girl, being transgendered, i.e., a crossdresser,
means you are at least part girl (dual gendered or bigendered). IMHO

[Midnight Skye]

"I am today."

Marla, that is such an awesome answer Gina, since you're not TS... just look at it like Marla says. You may not always be a girl, but some days when the mood strikes it might be the best way to describe how you're feeling.

[DaphneGrey]

She might have felt like you were intruding into her world, which by the way you are or trying to anyway. I am not saying this to be harsh. The reality is girls don't talk like that. And they get a bit offended when CDs do. You may have picked up on hostility that was subtly directed at you for that reason.

Girls have more important things to talk about. As men we look at a woman's perceived penchant for shopping as something to pick on. "my wife has so many shoes bla bla bla". Yet crossdressers seem to think a way into the girl club is bonding over shoes!

Girls and Women are far less superficial than men. They think with their hearts and with intuition. They may have lots of shoes and they may love buying them (I certainly do). But ultimately its not something they bond over.

She may have been saying to herself "No Girlfriend of mine would say that" And she would be right. If you want to be included in the girl club, watch,look,listen and learn. Be passionate about understanding what makes them tick. Not the way you were programed to think the way they tick. if you are making an honest effort they will notice.

[SherylynJade]

The reality is girls don't talk like that. And they get a bit offended when CDs do....But ultimately its not something they bond over.

She may have been saying to herself "No Girlfriend of mine would say that" And she would be right.

You know, you shouldn't judge a sterotype with a sterotype. Some girls do talk that way, but definetly not all.
That, and we don't know the full context of the statement.
I've used that line before, the "I am today" with my dressing. And I never knew that it came from that movie, seeing that I haven't ever seen it.
And I wouldn't fret to much over your friend. Not everyone everywhere is going to accept us, and when it's a friend it can be even harder. Just don't bring it to her if she doesn't bring it up.

[Rachel Morley]

Excellent answer Marla! If it were me, I think I'd say: "Technically that is true, but in my mind I am "girl-like".

In my past (when I was single) I accidentally overheard two GGs talking about me at a party. One said to the other, "He's not my type. He's more like a girl in some of the things he does". I was gutted at the time as I fancied one of them. Nowadays I'd definitely see that comment as a compliment. My point is, you might not actually be a real girl but you can be seen as one by others .... that's good enough isn't it? Don't let it bother you, everyone is entitled to think what they wanna think.

[Sally2005]

Women don't like to hear about buying too many shoes because there are not enough shoes in the world for them buy. Don't push your situation on her, just stick to stuff like complementing her on her choice of whatever. And tell her you know you are not a women and you can never be one, but you do enjoy looking the part sometimes and you know she might be a little put off, but ask her why it bothers her and go from there.

[docrobbysherry]

She's not ugly but just, hum not sure how to put it.
Your thoughts ?
Thanks

Gina

Gina, I think the preferred word for that condition is, " Plain".

Oh, wait! Maybe I'm thinking of the Amish?

[Gina_G]

It is of course a disappointment that someone I think so highly of can't talk to me about crossdressing. But that's not what's bothering me. It's something to do with the fact that apparently at some level I want to be a girl. At least that's why I think it's bothering me.

And to be honest I don't remember my exact remark, it could have been about shoes or saying we needed to go have a girls night out shopping. I was just trying to say hey we have more in common that we used to.

I don't think she was offended for the reasons DaphneGrey suggested. I previous conversations she was trying to bring me to my senses so I would stop the being weird and crossdressing. She can't understand why I would act this way. It's a big change from the person she thought she knew.

[Jonianne]

She might have felt like you were intruding into her world, which by the way you are.......

I agree that she may have "felt" like Gina was intruding, at least as far as how she views the world. But, if the gg friend was saying Gina was not suppose to buy womens shoes, then the gg friend was intruding into Gina's world.

".......You have every right to tell me how you feel, you do not have the right to tell me how I should be."

[Joni Marie Cruz]

Hi Gina-

I think I know how your feel, perhaps at least a little. While it would be nice if all of our friends simply accepted us when we come out, sadly, as you know, that's not always the case. Some women have stereotyped gender roles that they hold on to as tightly as any man does. For some people, they just can't get their heads around it and it's no fault of their's or of our's, it just is.

Perhaps she will come around when she sees that you are still essentially the same person she chose to be friends with in the first place, or perhaps she may never "get it" but you will stay friends more or less, or you may drift apart over it. It's happened to me, and I'm sure, to many others. Most of my friends have been fine and supportive and understanding, some I'm no longer friends with. C'est la vie.

Good luck to you, girl.

Hugs...Joni Mari

[sometimes_miss]

Gina, it sounds like your friend still sees it as a black and white world, that there are some things that are restricted to men and some that are restricted to women, and she's also uncomfortable with anyone who steps outside the traditional gender roles. She may come around, but she may not. Let it be. You can't force it.

[VeronicaMoonlit]

Let me bring another perspective.

So I recently came out to three GG friends.

Congratulations.

She's not ugly but just, hum not sure how to put it.

You mean "not ugly" as in "not being mean to you", not making reference to her appearance, correct?

I can tell she isn't comfortable when I am talking about dressing or shopping or my feelings and why I dress. So I ended up trying not to bring it up in conversation. The thing is that she said something to me about a month ago that is bothering me a lot. I was joking and said something like "Well you know how us girls are about buying shoes." and she said "But you aren't a girl."

Well, as some have said, some women get perturbed when they think a man is entering what they thought was their territory.

Some others get annoyed when the word girl is used to refer to an adult woman. I try to avoid doing that and even avoid calling adult MTF transfolk girls. For my sake, I'm 42 years old, I'm no girl.

And some others get annoyed at the stereotype of all women being shoe obsessed. There are women who aren't really into shopping and makeup.

Here is how I would have put it: "You know how we femmes are about buying shoes."

So factually her statement is true, I am not one of the girls. So why is it bothering me ?

Perhaps because on some level, you do want to be "one of the girls"?

Veronica
Rondelle (Ron) Rogers Jr.

[Gina_G]

Let me bring another perspective.



Congratulations.



You mean "not ugly" as in "not being mean to you", not making reference to her appearance, correct?



Well, as some have said, some women get perturbed when they think a man is entering what they thought was their territory.

Some others get annoyed when the word girl is used to refer to an adult woman. I try to avoid doing that and even avoid calling adult MTF transfolk girls. For my sake, I'm 42 years old, I'm no girl.

And some others get annoyed at the stereotype of all women being shoe obsessed. There are women who aren't really into shopping and makeup.

Here is how I would have put it: "You know how we femmes are about buying shoes."



Perhaps because on some level, you do want to be "one of the girls"?

Veronica
Rondelle (Ron) Rogers Jr.

Veroinica, someone has finally understood my post
Yes I am trying to figure out why I want to be one of the girls and am upset that she told me I wasn't one.

And yes I was saying in Okie slang that she wasn't being mean. She is still a very good friend and just worries that I am making a mistake by crossdressing. She doesn't want me to be hurt.

I really don't think she was upset by the girls comment or the shoes/shopping comment. We have been good friends for over ten years and still discuss many topics, religion, politics, family, etc. Until the crossdressing we had never ran into anything we couldn't talk about in a friendly manner.

Gina

[JulieK1980]

You know, you shouldn't judge a sterotype with a sterotype. Some girls do talk that way, but definetly not all.
That, and we don't know the full context of the statement.
I've used that line before, the "I am today" with my dressing. And I never knew that it came from that movie, seeing that I haven't ever seen it.
And I wouldn't fret to much over your friend. Not everyone everywhere is going to accept us, and when it's a friend it can be even harder. Just don't bring it to her if she doesn't bring it up.

Very well said.

[Andy66]

It is of course a disappointment that someone I think so highly of can't talk to me about crossdressing. But that's not what's bothering me. It's something to do with the fact that apparently at some level I want to be a girl. At least that's why I think it's bothering me

I might be way off base, but this reminds me of a time when I wanted to participate in an AIDS fundraiser bicycle ride from San Francisco to Los Angeles. I went and signed up, and borrowed a bicycle from a friend to train. I was all gung-ho and looking forward to it. I was proud of myself and thrilled to be taking part in a great adventure. Then I told my girlfriend and she laughed at me. I was shocked and crushed. And that's all it took for me to give up. She had sent a clear message that (in her opinion) I didn't have what it takes, never would, and it would be ridiculous for me to even try.

I don't know why her opinion made such a strong impact on me, but I allowed it to. I should have not only ignored her opinion, but gotten a clue right then that she was not supportive or good for me.

...Do you understand what I'm trying to say?

[JenniferR771]

Gina--maybe she had feelings for you--liked you--(although you are married right?). And your femme get up took the wind out of her sails. Your amazing body just doesn't do it for her when she thinks of you that way.

[Gina_G]

I might be way off base, but this reminds me of a time when I wanted to participate in an AIDS fundraiser bicycle ride from San Francisco to Los Angeles. I went and signed up, and borrowed a bicycle from a friend to train. I was all gung-ho and looking forward to it. I was proud of myself and thrilled to be taking part in a great adventure. Then I told my girlfriend and she laughed at me. I was shocked and crushed. And that's all it took for me to give up. She had sent a clear message that (in her opinion) I didn't have what it takes, never would, and it would be ridiculous for me to even try.

I don't know why her opinion made such a strong impact on me, but I allowed it to. I should have not only ignored her opinion, but gotten a clue right then that she was not supportive or good for me.

...Do you understand what I'm trying to say?

Anne Wow, that's a great analogy. I see your point that a person who's opinion I valued was saying I couldn't have this dream/fantasy of being a women. Maybe that's it. I will have to think on it some more.

I think you are also saying that I should do what I want no matter what other people think. That's an area I have always had problems with. Trying to please others and fit in to societies image of what I should be.

Thanks

JenniferR, your just way to funny. No I am single, never married. And I posted a couple of photos so you can see that she wasn't lusting after my body, LOL.
Gina

[sandra diaz]

Sweetie this is only my opinion, because this is the way I feel. When we Dress our body, we also dress our minds, so you are not a woman outside but the inside. You want to be treated like a woman, if she doesn’t feel that way about you, then she’s not your friend. I’m sorry if I’m wrong but that’s the way I feel. To me and rest of our sisters you’re nothing 100% women, because that’s what you want to be, and want to be treated that way. Please don’t pay attention to her comments. Just be yourself. Kisses, Sandra