Trying to understand behavior

[KellyV GG]

This is my first post but I've been lurking around for awhile. the comments on this board have really helped me out so far...thanks for that. Just found out about my BF's crossdressing a few months ago. It's just been over the past month or so that we've gotten to the point where he fully dresses, usually for the evening, more nights than not. I've gone above and beyond to be supportive and to try to understand.

Maybe this isn't a big deal, but it's bothering me alot. The other night we started arguing while he was dressed. Nothing major and not CD related. So, he gets up, stomps out of the room and eventually comes back dressed masculine. So, I ask him what's up and he says he can't argue with me dressed like that. which leads to a whole other thing because that was pretty much saying to me that it was just fine to be a girl unless you need to be a man to be in a stronger position and therefore superior to me. Which is so infuriating. And not fair. And I don 't get it. I can't just get up and change my clothes and manurisms and be in a more powerful position in an argument. So this is bothering me and it almost makes me not able to take the whole CD thing seriously.

Would appreciate anyone's thoughts...or am I making a big deal out of nothing??? Thanks

[DAVIDA]

Hi Kelly!
First off, welcome to the forum.
There are people here that are great help.

As for changing after or during an argument, been there done that. I can't say how your BF is feeling when that happens, I can only try to explain my reasons.
When Jean (my wife) and I would have a "disagreement", I used to change too. It had nothing to do with being superior to anyone. It had more to do with my own insecurities. All desires to be dressed just went away.
Personally, I think that women are superior, and I did not feel right arguing while dressed. Now, when we disagree, I feel the same no matter what I am wearing, and I don't change.
I am not sure if I am making any sense, but feeling "girly" is a happy place, and if I am not happy, then it is hard to be so.

Again, welcome. If you don't already know, there is a section here just for GGs. After you get ten posts, you can join them. We have great ladies here and I an positive that you can get good in formation and advise from them.

[PaulaJaneThomas]

Hi Kelly and welcome.

His actions sound rather silly to me and make me wonder how far down the road to self-acceptance he is. Trying to develop a dual persona - placid girl and assertive male - sounds incredibly unhealthy to me. Very silly.

[Kali]

Kelly -

Even though my SO is supportive of my dresssing I realize that she is making an effort to do something that she didn't bank on when we got inviolved. Though she tells me it's not the case, I feel that my dressing is an imposition on "our" time and I try to acknowledge that.

There are certain things, andthe ocasional aruement is one of them, that make me feel very uncomfortable being dessed. It has nothing to do with the power position you perceive, at least in our case.

I could give you an entire page on the relative merits o feeling girly vs masculine and how we continue to work out that dynmic when I dress, but it's not directly applicable to anyone but us.

[Joanne f]

Welcome KellyV it is nice to see you here.
I would agree with Davida on that it may have nothing to do with wanting to be superior, it usually has more to do with feeling guilty for dressing and the feeling that " this would not be happening if i did not dress" and the slightest thing or wrong word can bring this on , it can take many years for a Cder to get past this stage and realise that not all things are Cd related .

[DAVIDA]

Welcome KellyV it is nice to see you here.
I would agree with Davida on that it may have nothing to do with wanting to be superior, it usually has more to do with feeling guilty for dressing and the feeling that " this would not be happening if i did not dress" and the slightest thing or wrong word can bring this on , it can take many years for a Cder to get past this stage and realise that not all things are Cd related .

EXACTLY! Thanks Joanne!

[Shari]

Hi Kelly

And a warm welcome to the forum.

Unless he actually spoke the words that he felt more superior dressed as a male, then I would take it that the argument caused him to feel ashamed and out of place trying to make a point while he was dressed.
I would agree that his urge simple went away with the heavier air.

Most of us here still feel varying degrees of shame even with a supportive spouse, arguments or not.
We're just not supposed to be this way, you know. At least that's what we've been taught.

[KellyV GG]

I guess I get that...but when you're on the other side of it it seems like a very immature move which felt like an attempt to be "superior". After he changed he did say that he didn't want to do this (dress) anymore if we were only going to argue. I told him that it had nothing to do with what he was wearing..and it didn't, it was an completely different matter. So do I walk on eggshells when he's dressed and how do I help him get past this "stage"? What does self acceptance look like? So much to learn. Sure wish I had a "happy place" to change in to. Thanks for the great insights.

[Joni Marie Cruz]

Hi Kelly-

No, I don't think you're making a big deal out of nothing. Let me start by saying your boyfriend is very lucky to have someone like you in his life, someone who is willing to be accepting and make the effort to understand. It's not easy for you and it's not easy for him, you're a pretty special person.

As far as the going in to change clothes when you were arguing, yeah maybe it was some sort of gender role stereotyping thing, but perhaps more likely it was just that he has this tendency a lot of us tgirls have to feel a generalized guilt about our dressing and to feel, unconsciously, that this is the real source of a disagreement and that if we dress in our assigned gender role it will make it go away or remove a source of tension.

Out of curiosity, have you mentioned to him how the incident made you feel? Does he act in your day to day relationship as though he thinks men are superior somehow to women in general just by virtue of the fact that they're men?

Kelly, I wish you both the very best of luck, it's not an easy journey, hopefully it will make your relationship stronger.

Hugs...Joni Mari

[DianneRoberts]

Maybe it's just me, but, there is a lot in my guy life that is going poorly.
Dianne is in a "happy place" away from all that is wrong.
Arguing doesn't belong in a "happy place" and I'd have to go into guy mode if I went into an unhappy situation as Dianne.

Maybe it's just me.

[KellyV GG]

Out of curiosity, have you mentioned to him how the incident made you feel? Does he act in your day to day relationship as though he thinks men are superior somehow to women in general just by virtue of the fact that they're men?

Hugs...Joni Mari

thanks so much Joni. I did tell him right away how it made me feel...belittled, inferior...that it was OK to emulate me and my gender until there was a real issue to deal with and then it felt like he had to uneven the playing filed. He did say that it was nothing like that but I think any girl in my position would have felt the same way.

I don't think that he feels men are superior to women but he is a big sports guy and can be a bit of a macho poser around other men or his sons, but in general no. Geez, there are so many places you can go trying to figure things out. I do understand the guilt aspect but it seems iike CDing can be such a self centered thing sometimes that he forgets to consider how I might perceive things or feel, it seems like it's all about his fragile feeling. In general the CDing has brought us much closer and I feel very lucky that he trusts me enough to open up this side to me but that incident made me feel like it's just something he can step out of any time. I do get the guilt thing tho...thanks for the great advice.

[Kate Simmons]

True self acceptance amounts to being comfortable in one's own skin regardless of what one looks like. Unfortunately, some folks never get to that point in their life and seem to need an excuse to act one way or the other. The goal should be to develop as a full spectrum person capable of being empathetic towards others. Only when one realizes it's really about getting in touch with and managing the feelings and not what they are wearing will they really be able to do this.

[KellyV GG]

Only when one realizes it's really about getting in touch with and managing the feelings and not what they are wearing will they really be able to do this.

How do you get to that place when you are torn between 2 genders?

[Miranda09]

How do you get to that place when you are torn between 2 genders?

Time and patience!!! If your SO feels more secure in male form when arguing or whatever, just let it be. It will take time to achieve the balance you're both looking for.

[Paula Siemen]

What is hard for non-crossdressers or GGs to understand is that crossdressing in general is repressed and causes a shameful internalized feelings. I'm sure he felt very vulnerable in the argument (discussion) due to his internalized lower self esteme. This site is invaluable in helping us crossdressers realise that crossdressing is NOT shamefull or wrong. It is just a part of our being for what ever reason. Don't take his changing back to male mode as his desire to feel superior to you. Its truely not like that at all, but more of his feeling totally vulnerable and small because of his insecurity over the crossdressing.

Good luck to you both.
Paula

[Joni Marie Cruz]

Hi Kelly-

I get what you're saying, lots of times guys will "macho-up" in an argument, lord knows I've done it plenty of times, and being in a skirt makes it tough to do that. It seems to be that people should be able to have a disagreement and argue without gender being part of it. Hell, relationships are hard enough without transgenderism being thrown in on top of it.

As far as the sports and the "quien es mas macho" stuff, a lot of times, at least I think so (go ahead, flame me, I have my asbestos panties on, they're itchy but they work) it's a cover for our feminine feelings. We learn to disguise ourselves around other men and so get into sports or macho occupations and so on. Not to say that women can't be seriously into sports or in those sorts of occupations, too.

Anyway, you are so right, it's mind boggling how many avenues this aspect of human behavior can take you. Books have been written.<lol> Give him his chance to work through it, which it so sounds like you are. It's even worse in some ways to be given freedom to be yourself if you've been closeted up for years and learning how to deal with that freedom is kind of tough.

Hugs...Joni Mari

He did say that it was nothing like that but I think any girl in my position would have felt the same way.

I don't think that he feels men are superior to women but he is a big sports guy and can be a bit of a macho poser around other men or his sons, but in general no. Geez, there are so many places you can go trying to figure things out..

[KellyV GG]

It's even worse in some ways to be given freedom to be yourself if you've been closeted up for years and learning how to deal with that freedom is kind of tough.

Argggghhhh...what does that mean????? Geeeeeeeezzzz....I have given him 1000% freedom...it's all about him getting in touch with her right now in our lives. Sorry to get off topic but...what's the answer???? Slow him down to give him a chance to process his feelings or just take the hinges off the closet door like I have and let him go wild. Really it's not my place to determine that, it's his life, his issue to process but I'm trying....it's impossible to figure out. At least I can borrow his lipstick...looking for upsides.

[Kate Simmons]

How do you get to that place when you are torn between 2 genders?

Well, I never said it was easy Kelly. It took me over 50 years to get to that place by myself. Some people never get to that point and when you have someone who cares and you can grow together, it helps. The important thing is to take the time and iniative to really understand the feelings, accept them and make them our own. In this way we can use them to work for us and they become a choice for self expression rather than a compulsion that must be obeyed.

[Sheila]

Kelly ............ I can hear your frustration at being unable to understand what is going on ............ been there done that one with my Ex .......... will go find a link in a min and then re.edit this post okay

but sometimes our knowing really does throw them into a loop .......... once they had to have "this thing" under control, now they think they have the freedom to do waht they want and for some of them it brings an even bigger turmoil ............ I know it is not easy to understand, but it just is.

For you take a breath, sit down, read a book, watch Tele, listen to music ......... in other words relax, take some time out to enjoy doing what you used to do before you found out ........... I know it is hard when you are where u are with cding .......... I did the headless chicken bit 4 years ago, and yes I was as supporting as you are and yes I was as confused as you are with the whole reaction from my cder as you are with yours ........... damn fellas they remain confusing whatever they are wearing


This thread here is the one I was saying about ............ [SIZE="4"]? FOR CDR's ONLY PLEASE[/SIZE] I hope this helps you to understand a little

[cdterri]

Years ago my first wife and I got into a heated argument. I had been dressing in front of her four seven yrs and she always told me she had no problem with it. However during this argument she suddenly called me a queer. I quickly changed clothes, and the next day burned every fem thing I owned. "MY FIRST PURGE" She apologised over and over, begged me to forgive and forget, even went out 2 days later and bought me a new skirt and top. I could not let it go, From that day on I could not look her in the face. Four months later I walked out on her 'the straw that broke the camels back" I guess. Anyway to this day if my wife and I argue I feel the need to change. I'm terrified that something similar may happen and I don't know how I would react

[Kali]

Argggghhhh...what does that mean????? Geeeeeeeezzzz....I have given him 1000% freedom...it's all about him getting in touch with her right now in our lives. Sorry to get off topic but...what's the answer???? Slow him down to give him a chance to process his feelings or just take the hinges off the closet door like I have and let him go wild. Really it's not my place to determine that, it's his life, his issue to process but I'm trying....it's impossible to figure out. At least I can borrow his lipstick...looking for upsides.

What my SO did was remind me, as needed, that it was all about balance; her needs, my needs, our needs. Like a lot of CDs dressing for me is an escape. I'll always remain a straight male, regardless of my attire.

But for some it isn't about the dressing, it's about all of the dynamics that go with being transgendered. This is a long, and touchy topic, even here, but it would likely be a good idea for you and your boyfriend to talk about his feelings and motviations. It's not an easy discussion, and it's usually an ongoing one, but like anything else in a relationship, communications is the key to success.

[Joni Marie Cruz]

Hi Again Kelly-

Girl, if I knew that answer I'd write a book. Honestly, I don't know nor do I think anyone else really knows, it's up to your boyfriend how he handles it and what sort of person he is. He must be a good guy or he wouldn't someone as caring as you in his life so there's that to start with.

As you mentioned a lot of our behavior, girls like us, tgirls, can be so very self centered and we don't even realize it until someone smacks us in the head. Being able to talk to him about your feelings and how all this is affecting you and your relationship is what's going to determine where this all ends up. From your posts you seem a pretty intelligent and forthright and articulate woman who knows how to say what she means, just talk to him (I keep wanting to say her, but it makes it a bit confusing sometimes) and make sure he knows he can talk to you. It's a process.

BTW, is he a member here? Maybe he should be. Just a thought.

Hugs...Joni Mari

Argggghhhh...what does that mean????? Geeeeeeeezzzz....I have given him 1000% freedom...it's all about him getting in touch with her right now in our lives. Sorry to get off topic but...what's the answer???? Slow him down to give him a chance to process his feelings or just take the hinges off the closet door like I have let him go wild. Really it's not my place to determine that, it's his life, his issue to process but I'm trying....it's impossible to figure out.

[Tina B.]

Hi Kelly!
Glad you found us. Just keep one thing in mind, you have known for a couple of months, your BF has been going throught all of this, single handed, for years. It takes a little time to learn to share something that has been such a big secret all of your life. I know it seems like things have been like this for a long time, but really it's just been the blink of an eye. I told my wife some thirty years ago. It took a long time for us to adjust to the world as we kow it know it now. But boy was it worth it, to put in the time, I don't know a lot of couples that are as close as we are. and while we wear different sizes we do share Jewery and make up, as well as sharing fashion tips. We love to watch chick flix together as well as shopping, having a husband and a girl friend in the house does have its advantages! Give him time, and take time for yourself, talk about how you feel and make him talk about how he feels, and if he can,t do it in a dress, make him do it in pants, but do it.
Tina B.

[docrobbysherry]

I have found that guessing what my SO, or ANY female I'm with is thinking, is USUALLY a mistake!
If I REALLY want to know, I ASK THEM!

It sounds like you've already done that! He may be either, not feeling like answering, or DOESN'T know HOW TO! Us closet CDs often don't HAVE to deal with these issues. Because we dress alone, in private!

However, I'm NOT going to try and guess his thots and feelings. And I don't think u should try either.

If you're comfortable with this idea, it may help u both!
Invite his fem side over for drinks. Without being confrontational, slowly bring "her" out with questions you've organized in advance. If u can make him/her relax, feelings about why he dresses, and what he enjoys about it, may come out.

One disclaimer: Sex is an important part of MY dressing! I find that embarrassing and would have a hard time discussing that with a GG I cared about! He may feel the same!

[KellyV GG]

If you're comfortable with this idea, it may help u both!
Invite his fem side over for drinks. Without being confrontational, slowly bring "her" out with questions you've organized in advance. If u can make him/her relax, feelings about why he dresses, and what he enjoys about it, may come out.
:

What are the right questions to ask without sounding like I'm accusing him of something and without him getting defensive? It's very uncomfortable even going there..I'm not sure that he knows how he feels and I don't want to push it but I know that we REALLY need to talk about it.....thanks!