My Dilemma

[Katie145]

First off, to those who I've been in contact with via PM, I apologize for not replying for months. The problem I'm facing has been the reason I haven't been online.

Before I met my wife, I had it in my mind that the woman I met and fell in love with would not only accept my crossdressing, but embrace it and participate in it. Two months after I started dating my future wife, I introduced her into my world of crossdressing. She accepted it, but was pretty neutral about it. She justified it by saying, "Fetishes are okay". While she didn't really participate, what really hooked me for her was when she bought be a bra and panty set for Valentine's Day. I thought for sure that this was the girl I wanted to be with for life. Even though she still wasn't really participating, I figured I could break her in.

After we married, I continued to crossdress from time to time. I could tell that she still wasn't 100% comfortable with it, so I mostly did it when I was on the road. There had been times that I considered leaving her because I wasn't able to be who I wanted to be, but I tried not to let it get to me. I still had it in the back of my mind that I'd be able to break her in. Whenever I came out in the house wearing, say, a skirt or something, she just kind of gave me a strange look, but never said anything demeaning or derogatory.

Over the past year, I've sworn off boxers, and have only worn panties. I haven't been wearing women's clothes around the house when she's home, but I do wear women's pajamas and nightgowns around the house when it gets later in the evening. She knows I still CD when I'm not around her, but hadn't really said anything about it... until about 2 months ago.

A little backstory: It was pretty well known before we got married that we would be having a kid or two. This year, it happened. She gave birth to a beautiful baby boy this past April. As we were driving home from lunch in July, we heard something on the radio joking about CDing. She kinda looked over at me, smirked, and made a snide comment. I really don't remember how the conversation went, but we got to talking about how she currently felt about my CDing. She said, "I feel a lot differently about it now than I did a year ago". I asked, "How so?" She said, "I really don't approve of it at all now that our son is here. I want you to set a good example for him." I didn't really show any type of reaction to this, but inside, my heart sank like a rock. After a few moments of pondering that, I asked, "well, why didn't you say something?" She replied, "you never asked."

Ever since that moment, I've seriously considered leaving her. The major dilemma is, of course, my son. I really don't want to leave him fatherless. I realize I'll only be able to see him on a rare occasion due to my job requiring me to be on the road several days a week. I also don't want him to go through what I did: growing up in a broken home. She knows that she upset me, but stands by what she said, and therefore has offered me no sympathy. It also feels very irrational to want to leave my wife for the sole purpose of wanting to crossdress, but my desire for that has never been stronger. While I love my son, and am otherwise happily married, I just feel a big hole in my life. I've almost completely stopped CDing, only occasionally doing it when I'm on the road (in my room only, never out-and-about).

I don't know if anyone here can help me, or give me the advice I need. I just needed to vent, and the fact that I know most of you will empathize will give me a little comfort. Thank you for listening.

[Tamara Croft]

Your son comes first, it sounds to me like you've already decided to leave, so he will grow up in a broken home. And wait till he gets older, he'll want to know why you left, maybe your wife will tell him the truth and then what? 'oh your dad left because he couldn't stand not being able to CD'... Imagine the impact that is going to have on the rest of his life, possibly finding out, womens clothes were more important to you than your son.

I don't think your wife is being fair either, but to leave your son just for CD'ing, imho is kinda selfish. You and your wife made him, brought him into this world, you're supposed to be his dad.

[Annie D]

No advice really and I apologize for not giving you any but crossdressing will NEVER go away! You can stop dressing for a year, two years, five years but the urge to wear women's clothing will always be with you. I would never tell anyone to abandon a relationship unless there is unfaithfulness or something as trust breaking as that and even then, there could be reconciliation.

I can say with my wife that her biggest worries about my crossdressing concern our children and our jobs. It sounds as though your wife may be having the same concerns. Everyone talks about setting boundaries and what she will allow and what she may find intolerable. Communication is so, so important in any relationship and you may have to start completely from scratch and develop your new boundaries. You may have to sit down together and formulate a plan for when it is necessary for you to carry out "your fetish" as she refers to it. No matter what course that the two of you set, you need to let her know that others like you have tried to give it up, but in the end, you will continue to dress.

[ashcrimson]

Katie, I guess she sees it in a bad way, based on her words "I want you to set a good example for him".

Ill just tell you mine, my wife hates it deeply, she has said things to me that I dont think a lot of people can take. But I love her, and I want to believe that she does as well. We dont have any kids, the reason Im with her despite a lot of things, is because of jsut one reason, I love her. I believe this is the reason why people live together as a married couple. I want to believe she tries to bear with this because she loves me.

I think your wife has also tried her best to be accomodating to your needs. It is hard for her but she still tried correct? Things just changed because it is not a matter of just her well-being or yours, it is the entry of another important person in your lives, your child.

Maybe you can ask yourself if you do love your wife first? How you truely feel towards her and get the other matters out of the plate. If you still love her, try to work it out with her and compromise. just give it your best and encourage her to do the same.

As for your child, you can hide it from him. Youre not with him 24/7. I dont see how wearing a panty and a bra can affect a boy who is at school at the moment or is sleeping.

And if your set for divorce, I guess I have nothing to say that can be helpful to you.

I think your wife deserves your support right now.

[sherri52]

Hi Katie; have you tried to get our wife signed on here. There are alot of so's here that may give her a little more light on the subject. I've lost two wives due to cd'ing. If We had places like this to go to in the 70's and 80's I just might still be married. There is alot more support today than there was then. I have just found this site myself and deleted the others from my pc. Try to get her to read some of the threads.

[sterling12]

I want to be very careful about "advise" in this situation. I will have to assume that if you haven't yet reached it, you are very close to going over your "threshold of pain." I think an awful lot of us are so transgendered, we are in an absolute conundrum. We will go crazy if we give up crossdressing; but we are in total conflict with the world around us, that doesn't want us to have this femme persona, and that makes us crazy too.

I believe your wife thinks that your transgendered feelings are something that you can control, and turn off those feelings like a water faucet. I further believe that she is having all kinds of different feelings because of The Baby. I run a risk of offending a lot of our female members, but it is verifiable after a birth, that women can have very different emotions. Part of it is related to changing hormone levels, part of it is related to changing socio-dynamics within The Family.

What to do? Well ultimately you have to decide, but you know that, you are "soliciting" ideas. So here are my ideas: 1.) Make sure that your wife feels very secure, make sure she understands that you love her and you love The Baby. I would suggest a quiet "no distraction" talk together about this. 2.) At the same time, you can explain your feelings. You have to tell her, (if it's the truth) that you are also contemplating a separation because of your undeniable feelings. Somehow, you have to convince her that you can love someone, but still be so unhappy with a given situation that it will drive you away, it could drive you to divorce.

Convincing another person of your sincerity in a situation like this is very difficult. What both parties "want," seems to be in opposition. And, it's a mess! My advise, have that talk. Find out what she "really" wants, let her know what you "really" want. Then the two of you will have to decide what to do.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Sally2005]

A friend who recently got divorved after many unhappy years did it because of his kids...he asked himself, what is better for the kids? Living in an unhappy home for many years or learning to deal with one major change?

About CDing, unless you are going to transition your life or something, just learn to accept yourself and accept that your wife might have some different values than you do. She can not expect you to change as you don't expect her too. Can you agree to disagree on some things? Otherwise, if you do agree on most things, life together can still be good.

[Elsa Larson]

I had a similar thing. My wife accepted my crossdressing before marriage. She enjoyed getting a lot of nice careerwear (we shared a dress size but not a shape). She went to support group events with me. Transgendered friends came to our wedding.

But marriage and pregnancy changed things for both of us. I grew a full beard for our wedding and kept it, so no more public crossdressing for me. And she was disapproving of the times she knew I was wearing girl clothes.

As a parent, I did not want to impose my crossdressing on my kids. They are open-minded and accepting of people who are different, but since I could survive without much crossdressing, they did not need to be exposed to it.

Since my wife died, my kids have sometimes noticed that there are extra undies in the wash, that I have shaved my chest and/or legs, that my nails are very girly, or that I'm wearing toenail polish. I don't mind that they know, but I'm still shy about exposing them to me fully crossdressed.

One thing that helps me a LOT is the virtual world of Second Life. (My avatar photo is from SL.) There, I have a LIFE as a woman. My "inner woman" gets to have adventure, romance, and even that activity that we cannot mention in this forum. With a few mouse clicks, I can be prettier than I could with plastic surgery and/or professional makeovers. I've discovered I have some female "wiring and programming" that I never imagined.

If you are transsexual, you will have to transition eventually. Many parents in your situation postpone transition until the kids are grown. If you are bi-gendered, you've already found an outlet during your travels.

Gender conflict is not fun. Good luck !

[Holly]

Katie, it sounds like you AND your wife need to sit down and have a serious discussion. If I am misunderstanding you then I apologize in advance, but it seems that you are in an "all or nothing" mode. If you can't have everything you want right now then you are willing to throw in the towel in the marriage. Life is about compromise. And you can't come to a compromise if you don't communicate. You say in your OP that you, "introduced her into my world of crossdressing" but you don't say anything to indicate that the two of you talked about. Your wife gave you a bra and panty set for Valentine's Day and you viewed it as acceptance. You said that you thought you could "break her in" but did you ever talk to her? The fact a random remark on the radio led her to make a comment that made, "my heart sank like a rock" tells me that you weren't willing to communicate.

Your wife has a responsibility in this and needs to step up and accept some responsibility as well. If she was having problems accepting you for who you were, she needed to tell you along the way.

I really hope the two of you can work this out because, as you have pointed out, it's not just the two of you now, but the three of you. If you really don't want to leave your son fatherless, please give this your highest priority.

[AllieSF]

Before you make your mind up, you should try marriage counseling. With a wife and child you owe it to them and to yourself to see if a qualified third party can help all of you develop a workable plan that keeps you all together. If you don't like the first counselor, find another until you feel like they can assist both of you. Good luck and I am truly sorry to hear your story.

[Paula W]

I think you should have a sit down with her and really talk from the heart about your crossdressing and how that its more than a fetish as she pushes it off to be. I think her saying that and you not saying much further could have given her misconceptions about your dressing and if that is still the way she feels it needs to be cleared up.

I hope she is really understanding because it would be a shame for a relationship to falter in such a manner especially after having a kid.

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

My heart goes out to you with this, and I cannot imagine how rough this must be.

As someone who sees crossdressing with a much more positive attitude, I would think that "setting a good example" for your son would be to be true to yourself and be who you are, but I guess your wife's view on crossdressing seems not not coincide with that.

However, you made the comment that you'd hardly get to see your son because you're on the road all the time, but another thing you haven't considered and I haven't seen anyone suggest, is that if you leave your wife because you want to crossdress more, I have a pretty good feeling that it will be something that she brings up against you in court. Depending on who your judge is too, it could dramatically affect your custody rights to your son. Is it worth being publicly outed, having your rights reduced, and having your son associate "daddy's crossdressing" with "why daddy's not here"?

I guess the question is, would you rather have limited access to your son or limited access to women's clothes?

[stephaniedoes]

i have read your thread and also sum replys and they are all good ones but i have to say this and im not trying to be rude but you new she wasnt 100% behind u when u first met and before your son was born, now we just might be facing another child in the world from a broken family due to the dream of a perfect world, i do sympathize with you but you MUST put the child first now, he didnt ask to be here... i am in a relationship with no kids and have been a inner ts all of my life and there is no way on this green earth i would do anything of the sort unless i was truly sure she is the person that best knows me and feels my inner desires.. think of the child, hes first now... good luck and do the right thing....

oh and another thing u are not at complete fault here, she knew this before the child also and she should have added it up before hand also, u must find middle ground...

[Sally24]

I would advise you against just leaving. Since you've been upfront with her all along about your crossdressing, she has no rational right to demand that you stop. That won't stop her from feeling the way she does though.

You can try to rearrange "when" you dress, but stopping is usually not an option either. Try to work this out, if she can't handle what you have to offer, she can leave.

[Sandra]

Ok your wife should have said something sooner but maybe she was afraid of what you would say or do.

But what makes me sad is the fact that you are willing to leave your wife and new son because she wants you to stop.

Have you really bothered to sit down and talk to her about the cding? I'm sure this would help and be much better than "breaking her in" as that comment to me sounds like you was going to get her onside no matter how she felt.

Talk to her explian to her that the cding is most likely not something that can go away for ever, maybe put on hold but even that can be hard. Ask her to listen to what you have to say, then you listen to her concerns, worries etc.

Communication is what is needed by both of you.

[AliceSandra]

Hi, Katie,

I sympathize about your conflict. I have been in the same boat for years. My wife used to allow me dolling up in the weekends. Well, after my first kid was born, I have been forced into closet per her firm demand since then. I love both my wife and my kids. And there is not any solution so far on me.

[Crysten]

Bottom line - If you abandon your family so you can crossdress than you're an idiot.

Sorry, just how I feel.

[stevie34]

I didn't try to keep a relationship going after running into similar issues. There were other issues too.

Having been single for a while I've been wondering how to find a new partner. Some desperate reading on here is making me thing I'd try to have a new partner sign up here and chat with other GGs and everyone else if she isn't comfortable. It's easy for a partner to misunderstand the whole thing - maybe it would help your partner if she signed up.

My previous partner didn't understand and felt it reduced my love and respect for her. (It doesn't or course - these are separate things). It would have been great to have her talk to others in a similar situation to understand that acceptance would only increase my respect for her.

A complete ban isn't likely to work, but if she is uncomfortable about your son then maybe some boundaries could be agreed upon?

[Rebecca Jayne]

Katie

I tried to tell my wife 4 times over 20 years that I was a crossdresser and it had nothing to do with sex, but it fell on deaf ears. "Que Sera Sera"

I have been living a similar delimma for 25 years and I decided a long time ago that family is #1 priority in my life, so I remain in the closet. My children and now grown up and outta the nest.

Some know other don't, but I do not flaunt it and won't do so. I have achieved a balance over the years and hopefully you will too, with lots of support and understanding, you should.

A Rose by any other name....

Rebecca

[Ralph]

I don't know if anyone here can help me, or give me the advice I need. I just needed to vent, and the fact that I know most of you will empathize will give me a little comfort. Thank you for listening.

Katie,

I'll give you the advice I think you need, but it may not be what you want to hear.

Only you can decide what's more important to you - dressing pretty or being a husband and father. If that's phrased to make it sound like I'm biased, that's because I am. Having a woman who loves me (and at least doesn't hassle me about the dressing) and having two children who have been my joy for many years now, means more to me than life itself. So I'm sorry if I can't really see it from the point of view of someone who would give all that up for something that serves only his own desires.

She even gave me an easy out - she said I could walk away from her and our first baby and she would be perfectly happy, because what she really wanted was a baby and having a husband was just an extra bonus. And over the years it's been a struggle, learning how to put my own interests aside and sacrifice for the sake of my family. And still... I wouldn't give it up if you gave me the biggest dress store in the world free of charge.

My wife actually made the same request early on. She wanted me to make an effort to provide the kids a more or less traditional male role model. For us, the compromise was no dresses but my shirts and pajamas are all satin, and sometimes I'll throw pants on over top of the dress if they come home when I'm not expecting them. Anyone who put any thought into it could see that my blouses aren't men's shirts and I have more than a shirt tail tucked into my sweatpants... but like I said, it's a compromise.

Now the kids are almost grown and gone. Part of me - the selfish part - looks forward to the day they move out completely and I can wear what I like all day long... but the larger part of me regrets all the missed opportunities, all the times I didn't go out and play with them because that would have meant putting on guy clothes. That part of me wishes I had another twenty years to do it right.

So... worst case, you underdress and take advantage of times when they are asleep or at day care / school for the next twenty years. Then they'll be gone before you know it, and you'll find that you wish you had them back instead of the dresses.

So I ask you: Is the dressing really worth missing out on all that? Would you really rather spend your entire life lonely but pretty?

[VictoriaP]

Katie,
unless you were planning on coming out to your son, and from what you have said you have been extremely considerate to your wife's feelings, i kind of doubt that you are. however, that seems to be the response your wife may be looking for, that you are not going to be dressing around your child. i had 2 daughters and never came out to them, and in fact, rarely dressed for the 21 years they lived at home. my wife has always been supportive and now that the kids are grown and out and we have grandchildren our relationship, and my wardrobe has never been better. i feel that you love your wife and you really want to make the marriage work, perhaps this is an option you can live with as i did.

[sissystephanie]

Katie, you have already received some excellent advice. But as one of the senior, in age and length of time as a CD, people on this forum, let me add my two cents! I told my late wife before we were married and together we laid out some ground rules. I could dress when I wanted to, except when we had children. Then I could underdress around them, but never let them see me as Stephanie. They are both grown, my daughter (the oldest) is in her early 50's. Only this year, after my wife passed away several years ago, did I come out to her! Her reaction was that it was O.K., but she did not want to see me as Stephanie. Nor did she want me to dress around her children. I certainly can and will live with that. My son does not know and I will not tell him because of his wife! Nuff' said on that score!!

If you truly love your wife, as you indicated at the beginning of your post, you will NOT do something as rash as leaving her! Just as you married her because she was a lady, so she married you because you are a Man! A CD, yes, but still a man underneath! And as a man, your family comes, at least it should, before anything! Including Crossdressing!! Sit down with her, explain your desires and work out some ground rules that you both can live with. Above all, don't push her to get your own way about dressing! If you do, you will probably lose both her and your son! If your CD activites came out in divorce court, there is little likelyhood you would be given custody and maybe not even visitation rights. Is being a CD on your terms really worth that? Not in my book!!

BTW, my late wife's other major rule was that I could not leave the house dressed unless she approved of the way I looked! That worked for me since she made me very passable!! Boy do I miss that!! O.K., so it was more like 50 cents!!

[Rebecca Lynn 33]

Katie, I have a four and a half year old son. His mother and I have not lived together in 3 years due to money problems. Unfortunately we broke up in July do to lack of communication. Since then we have opened up to each other trying to reconcilliate. It has made me realize I was a total failure as a father. I felt as if I wasn't wanted around by her or her family, so I basically stopped going there. I have since realized that all that did was hurt my son. For the last 2 months I am trying to make up for that time and be with him. This weekend was excellent for me and my son to bond. We had a great time together but it was also heartwrenching. He made it clear to me how much he loves me and needs me.
So basically I'm just saying before you decide to walkaway. Is to think about how you will feel six months from now. Could you look your son in the eye and not feel guilty. Will you be ok knowing your cding meant more than that innocent little boy.
Best wishes
Rebecca

[DaphneGrey]

Katie, it sounds to me like you and your wife have poor comunication problems. It seems that the two of you just expect things to get better without talking about what you really feel want and expect from each other. For example in your opening post you said she was nuetral about your crossdressing but you still felt you could "break her in" Its pretty obvious that back fired. She perhaps gave you the bra and pantie set as a way of saying it's ok with me. But did she ever discuss any boundries? As for your breaking her in as it were, did you ever ask if it was ok to prance into the kitchen in a skirt? Or did you just assume that she will get used to it? Did you think that some how after getting used to it, she would do a about face and all of a sudden want to be your girlfriend?

The point I am trying to make here is you are both at fault for not being honest with each other. But if you knowingly pushed beyond her boundries trying to break her in, then more of the blame lies with you IMO. I really do not want to come off as harsh but the fact is you had a good read on what your wife was comfortable with and you pushed beyond what she was willing or able to take. Yes she should have spoken up as soon as she felt uncomfortable and she needs to own up to that.

The Irony is you had a wife who was openminded and caring enough to be with you and even bought you lingerie. But you probably broker her in a little to far and turned her off to crossdressing in general.

The tragedy is you are putting your son on one side of the balance scale and your panties on the other, I am not going to comment on that.

You and your wife need to start from the beginni g get it all out on the table talk it through and find A way to work this out. As Holly and others have already mentioned. Or you can leave and when you are all alone and missing your child and your wife, you will always have your night gowns and silk pjs to keep you company.