Be Upfront Honest With Your New Girlfriend? Really?

[Rhonda Jean]

I've been divorced for several months now and am currently, sort of, not dating. So, I'm sitting here with all the information in the world at my disposal and life experience that includes the loss of a 30 year marriage due to my cding. The prevailing wisdom is that one should be completely honest very early on in the relationship. It's time that I make a decision on how to proceed.

I think honesty is as honorable as the next person, but, really? You've got to be kidding? Starting with the likely scenario that she's just not in to all that, I can't imagine that it's even a remote possibility that after such a disclosure that she's not going to tell at least everyone in her close circle of friends, then they tell theirs, and so on. Even if she IS in to it this may be the case. I think if you tell, you're out. Simple as that.

I think the choice for me is to continue to live alone and crossdress to my hearts content or get in to a serious relationship and give it up forever (unless it came out later that she really was into it, and then I'd be pretty hesitant).

I know all the "can't give it up" arguments. I'm familiar with, "It's not something I've chosen, it's just the way I am and I have no control over it." I've used them myself. Truth is, I didn't want to give it up. I didn't have sufficient motivation to give it up. Still don't. But if I fall in love and have the opportunity to live out my life in a loving, stable relationship... That's sufficient motivation! No doubt I'd miss it. To be perfectly honest there'd probably be times I'd act on it to some extent. But if I'm fortunate enough to ever again be in a truly meaningful relationship, it'll be worth the sacrifice, and what little there is left that I allow myself to act on will just have to be my little secret!

I'm not blowing another loving relationship over this! As important as all this is to me, and at times it's REALLY important, if the choice is a loving, fulfilling relationship or the freedom to pass myself off as a woman, I'll take the relationship. I can already hear it, "You'll never be truly fulfilled." I realize that. I also realize that I'm not truly fulfilled NOW! I'm pretty sure it'd be easier to live without this than to spend the rest of my life alone.

At this point, the opportunity hasn't presented itself to make that decision. Right now, I'm pursuing the whole cding thing with what for me is wild abandon! I'm enjoying it immensely, but, you can bet your a$$ I'd trade it.

Your comments, please! GG's especially welcome!

[justtwosexy]

Over the years I have met many ladies and in the majority they had no problem with my cding. I was upfront with them from the get go and most were rather intrigued with it all and helped me move forward with what made both of us comfortable.

[Rachel Morley]

I understand .... but I have mixed thoughts about it all. I think how you are thinking is how I would be too in the same situation. I know that before I met my wife I was all ready to go to a councilor to "rid me of my CDing" as it was becoming (I thought) an obstacle in my life. I was not ready to share this information with any prospective "serious girlfriend". However, I was ready to concentrate on the relationship and keep CDing out of the equation if I possibly could. In other words I thought my desire to be loved and love in return would definitely be enough to control it.

Now I'm not so sure. The genie is out of her bottle in a rather serious way. I'm not single (my wife is very accepting) but knowing what I know now, and feeling like I do, if I was single I don't think I could totally give up even for a really good relationship, although I think I would try. I'm sure I'd fail and have to risk it all and tell her. Me being me, I couldn't not tell her, if I really cared about her.

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

How supportive and healthy and meaningful a relationship can one have if one is forced to hide part of ones self away to be in it?

It sounds like you are still holding on to a lot of guilt in regards to the feeling that crossdressing ended your marriage. If you present your crossdressing to your new girlfriend after a couple of months of dressing, and you approach it with such guilt and concern, it's going to come across as a problem. But if you present it just as, this is something I do, and it's not that big of a deal, it's fun, and I like it, then it doesn't come across nearly as bad.

[Renee Demarea]

Hello Rhonda, Im in the same type situation only its been 5 months and I have found that living with your GF is worth putting things on hold. There are to many life issues to sort out first.I guess that waiting for the right time when you are sure that you can make the realationship work long term,if it not going to be why start that fire. I cant feel that is something she cant wait to hear. Not that many women want GF/BF realationship, but would if they feel that you are the only one for them.

[Rhonda Jean]

Rachel. You're proof that those perfect situations do exist, but there's no denying that they're so exceptionally rare as to not even be a serious consideration. A goal, of course, but not really part of the equation.

Alyssa and Justtwosexy. I get all that, but, back to my point about being out... How do you get around that? BTW, I've pretty much worked through the guilt. Still some regrets, but not guilt.

[docrobbysherry]

I was VERY disappointed to read that CDing caused your marriage to break up. I've read SO MANY other posts from married CDs here. Discussing the problems that their dressing caused in their relationships. However, I don't recall even ONE OTHER writer that didn't say, " Well, there were OTHER problems, too".

As a formerly married, presently single, CD, I can say that our freedom to CD, can be a "slippery slope"!

I'm not only concerned that I couldn't give it up. Even for the "perfect" woman. But, that it has become such a large, enjoyable part of my life, I don't WANT TO!

Then, it COULD become a contest for Robert. Between a REAL GG, and the imaginary Sherry! A contest Sherry's been winning lately!

I agree with u, Rhonda Jean, about telling your dates u CD. I'm pretty sure the over 50 ladies I date, would be out the door before I finished the sentence!

Damned if u do, damned if u DON'T!

[Rhonda Jean]

Katie. It may be at that moment, or shortly following, that you find out just how much you can trust her. I'm not sure I'd know before that. If I knew for sure, then it wouldn't be such a risk. Lots of chips on the table then.

[mklinden2010]

RJ,

I have found it helpful to be myself at all times. I Xd - in my own way and for my own reasons. I see the world through my own set of glasses and try never to forget: "That's the world out there and this is the world in here."

My first marriage broke up because we were young and stupid. XDing had nothing to do with it. In fact, it was helpful in dividing up our property - I got a ton of dresses, etc. from her and she was glad to help out.

My second marriage ended when she died of cancer. Her main concern about the Xding was that we'd both be "outed" some day, and she just didn't want to deal with it at work. Otherwise, she was glad for me to be happy.

It was my second wife, by the way, who insisted that I not ignore that Xding was "a" door to bisexual/homosexual behavior and/or TG/TS options. She was a practical and loving person who helped and cautioned about many things that could come up along the way. What I did, or, would do, was always up to me, but she wanted us to talk about it so I would not be stupid in any choices I made/might make. That's love.

In between my second wife and my current long-time SO, I dated for about two years. I played those relationships by ear and quickly exited those that would be problematic. Of those women I discussed this with, they were all supportive - some wildly so. (Goodness, ladies!)

My current SO and I have been living together for three plus years. Her take on the Xding is that this is something that comes with me as part of a relationship she values very much. We help each other live a better life... I interview roofers and tax accountants for her, she double-checks my fashion choices. We have the same taste in shoes and skirts and have to discuss who gets which new pattern. Usually she gets "dibs," since she needs to dress better for work than I do for socializing and play.

All this to say that honesty with yourself and others is the same thing when it comes to the people you live your best life with. If you Xd and you like it, then good for you - and them. Everyone should have something that makes 'em happy and every couple should have a good working relationship that makes them glad they found each other.

Be your happiest self. Love will find you. Be kind to love when it shows up - love will need you to love it back.

[Cheshire Gummi]

I understand the direction you chose and the reasons you chose it, but let's be clear about something; you are not being honest. Choosing the lesser of two evils and all that, yes, but ultimately you're concealing something.

Additionally, you seem to have a desire to choose to love someone else more than you love yourself. Selfless romance was cute back in the time of Romeo and Juliet, but these days it's kind of insane to choose that over being personally satisfied with life.

If you want to be in a fulfilled and loving relationship, then start with you. If you only care about the other half of any relationship then what kind of relationship is it? Sounds like cuckoldry dressed up like love to me.

Look at it this way; if you have to hide some part of yourself to get someone to love you, then they don't really love you, do they? They love the idea of you. The idea that you present to them under false pretenses. That's not really love for another person, either; lying to them.

Someone broke your heart, I know. I've had mine broken too. We all have. I can't pretend to know what it's like to spend 30 years with someone only to have them reject a fundamental aspect of your personality, but that's their fault, not yours! You don't have to be someone else just because someone couldn't find it in their heart to accept you.

If you want real advice, don't throw the baby out with the bathwater here, but you seem to have made up your mind. I just hope this gives you a little more perspective and that, maybe, something will sink in.

[Rhonda Jean]

To see other perspectives is the reason I posed the question. If I was entirely entrenched there would have been no point.

The posts about loving, honest, completely open and accepting relationships... I get all that, too. It's wonderful beyond description. I know. I had one for 30 years! But when things went bad, they really went bad. It seemed to me to happen in an instant, and there was no possibility of recovery. Still unbelievable, even now.

Three years ago I was one of the ones singing the virtues of openness and acceptance. Obviously, not anymore.

[Ralph]

I'm gonna go against the grain and support your decision in this one, RJ. If you were saying that your two choices were to continue dressing and hiding it or abandon all hope of a relationship, I'd be all over you like panties on anyone here (rimshot). But you mention a third option, which is to purge and stay purged. And as I have stated (again, contrary to the prevailing opinion), I believe it is possible if it's that important to you. In fact, you get extra points for MAKING a healthy relationship more important to you than crossdressing.

My only caution about flying that path hinges on a series of hypotheticals years down the road. IF you go all the way and get married, all the while staying on the wagon, and then some time much later discover you can't hold it back any longer... that's the time to come clean. Don't ever try to hide it, or your next marriage will surely fail. Explain to her what's going on and that your only reason for not telling her before you got married was that you thought for sure you could keep it under control. Hopefully that situation will never come up, but if it does, I still maintain that honest admission of your darkest secrets is healthier than getting caught in a lie.

Hope it works out... be sure to post the wedding photos :-)

[Holly]

...my approach is the other way round: "Dear Abby, I've met this girl that I'm scared to be honest with. Is it a good idea to have her as a girlfriend...?" If you can't trust her what the heck are you doing going steady with her? I don't get it.

Katie, great perspective. If your are contemplating a relationship with someone who is unwilling or unable to accept you as a whole person, then maybe you are contemplating the wrong relationship.

...if you have to hide some part of yourself to get someone to love you, then they don't really love you, do they? They love the idea of you. The idea that you present to them under false pretenses. That's not really love for another person, either; lying to them...

If you want real advice, don't throw the baby out with the bathwater here...

Spot on CG. Taking it one step further, over time, you will tire of being someone who you are not. That, in and of itself will out untold strain on the relationship.

My advice? Don't prejudge future relationships on the basis of your past. Especially if you are confident that you did everything right and everything within your power to make them successful. Let me give you and example... I love fried chicken. My parents came over to visit me and my wife (their real objective was to visit their grandson ) and they bought some fried chicken they had picked up along the way. I picked out a piece and bit into it... it was the most disgusting rotten, rancid thing I have ever put in my mouth. Now I'll be the first to admit that it pretty much killed my appetite for the day. But I still eat chicken. I don't prejudge every piece of chicken to be rotten or disgusting.

The essence of you is an honest person. You said as much yourself. If you can't be true to yourself and your own values, what do you have left? Someone who may love something that you are not at your core? That sounds lonely to me.

[Kara Connor]

Clearly this is not something I think one should bring up on a first date.
"Love the heels girl, I have some like that that go really well with my strappy dress". This is likely to put a damper on the evening. Even if you aren't CD you need to get to know someone before figuring out if the relationship can go anywhere. Does the other person have similar views to you, or at least ones that you are going to be able to agree to disagree about? Do they seem trustworthy - you may well be about to exchange viral history with them, after all It is after this period, but, I would argue, before getting married, that you should mention that you like to crossdress, then honestly answer their questions. Otherwise the relationship starts out based on a partial lie about who you realy are. If someone is not going to end up being acceptiong, you will be sitting on a time-bomb anyway. Just my 2c.

[Rhonda Jean]

Katie, great perspective. If your are contemplating a relationship with someone who is unwilling or unable to accept you as a whole person, then maybe you are contemplating the wrong relationship.

Spot on CG. Taking it one step further, over time, you will tire of being someone who you are not. That, in and of itself will out untold strain on the relationship.

My advice? Don't prejudge future relationships on the basis of your past. Especially if you are confident that you did everything right and everything within your power to make them successful. Let me give you and example... I love fried chicken. My parents came over to visit me and my wife (their real objective was to visit their grandson ) and they bought some fried chicken they had picked up along the way. I picked out a piece and bit into it... it was the most disgusting rotten, rancid thing I have ever put in my mouth. Now I'll be the first to admit that it pretty much killed my appetite for the day. But I still eat chicken. I don't prejudge every piece of chicken to be rotten or disgusting.

The essence of you is an honest person. You said as much yourself. If you can't be true to yourself and your own values, what do you have left? Someone who may love something that you are not at your core? That sounds lonely to me.

I agree so completely with the statement of not prejudging future relationships an the basis of the past. That's a recent revelation to me, and a mighty important one on a lot of levels.

It also comes as sort of a revelation to me, however obvious it should have been, that I haven't been in a relationship where I hid it! I probably hid the extent of it at times, but it was always out there. Even from the very beginning. Hmmmm... gonna have to think on that for a while!

[Jean Ann S]

I am single
the CD thing is a "deal breaker" for me
If someone can not accept that side of me we probably have little in common
and much better to know it up front than later
not saying they might not other wise be a nice person... but simply not a match
I struggled through a couple of years of a bad relationship before this dawned on me
sometimes one just has to face realities of life
and I only need find that one accepting person
if not will just stay single
I had rather be somewhat lonely by myself thatn mizerable with someone

Jean Ann

[Miranda09]

I agree with you Rhonda. I absolutely love dressing, and it's been a very relaxing and fulfilling activity. Having said that, I really miss a long term relationship with a woman. I've been alone now for more years than I care to count, and it's a lonely existence. If I'm lucky enough to meet a girl who will also enjoy my CDing, so much the better. If not, I'll deal with that when the time comes.

[jessica millen]

hi rhonda jean, i'm in a similar situation as yourself, although not quite so far along. my wife left me 8 months ago, so although the divorce isnt through yet, its on its way.
anyway, we were together 20 years, and she was well aware about my crossdressing years before we got married. i cant blame our break up on the crossdressing, but i'm damn sure it was a part of it. she went from accepting and joining in on the very rare occassion, to burying it under the carpet like it never happened. drunken statements along the lines of 'youre gay' etc made my guilt worse regarding the situation, but no matter how many times i tried to get her to look into it a bit further, online or wherever, she didnt want to know.
to give myself a bit of back up during the ensuing divorce, i've told some friends and my sisters about my crossdressing, incase the ex decides to out me out of spite (my closest friends have known for years, as well as a few other friends who were told by the ex) - whether she will or not, i dont know, but i hope our 20years together still means something....anyway, i've been very suprised by everyones attitude - not one person has been mortified or disgusted. my eldest sister was shocked, then laughed. one of my close beer drinking/football loving/womanising friends was the biggest worry. he laughed and asked if i wore high heels!
this brings me to your future quandry - i will soon be hoping to pop back into the dating scene (i wonder if theres a dvd or something about it these days) and i would have the same worries about telling them my secret. do i, dont i? hmmm, well, as some posters have said, i reckon my view on it is currently as such - if and when i find someone who seems to be my kinda gal, i'd like to spend some time getting to know them, over the space of a few weeks or months, but i will definitely tell them before it gets any more serious than that. i now feel i owe it to myself and to the other person to let them know. if theyre freaked or not interested, so be it, at least i'll have been honest. i cant live through another long term relationship where i'm made to feel like a deviant or not manly enough for that person.
just my 2p's worth
jessica

[JulieC]

Truth is, I didn't want to give it up. I didn't have sufficient motivation to give it up. Still don't. But if I fall in love and have the opportunity to live out my life in a loving, stable relationship... That's sufficient motivation! No doubt I'd miss it. To be perfectly honest there'd probably be times I'd act on it to some extent. But if I'm fortunate enough to ever again be in a truly meaningful relationship, it'll be worth the sacrifice, and what little there is left that I allow myself to act on will just have to be my little secret!

No, it isn't sufficient motivation. I see so many CDers who believe if they find the right woman, they'll be able to stop CDing. "It'll work this time. I'll be motivated. The urges will be less."

It doesn't work that way. It's not like alcoholism, where you can remove yourself from the alcohol and dramatically reduce the temptation's proximity. You find a woman, you fall in love, you move in together...and WHAM..there are her clothes right in front of you. Pretty clothes. Sexy shoes. Beautiful underthings. You touch, you feel, you get excited seeing them....and you think you can resist this?

You'd have more success not drinking water for three days then sit in front of a nice glass of ice water and resist drinking it for another day...on principles.

You're in an emotional/mental situation right now where a spouse of 30 years is gone because of CDing. CDing appears to be the enemy, the thing that's wrong. It isn't. It will take time to realize that, but it isn't the enemy.

There are plenty of women who do accept CDing at least enough to happily stay in a relationship. This very forum is populated with a number of women who actively support their spouses in CDing.

There is ZERO chance you will find such a woman unless you actively take matters into your own control and find out if they accept before things get truly serious. No, you don't have to spill the beans on the first, second, or even tenth or twentieth date. But at some point, before you spend inordinate amounts of time on a new love, spill the beans. She either accepts or doesn't.

If instead you try to hide it, she will find out...and the deceit alone can kill the relationship. Plus, let's say you have a small stash you secretly dig into when she's not around. You die. She's cleaning out closets and finds the stash...and spends the rest of her life wondering the meaning behind it.

No, the best option is to tell.

I've told numerous women over the years whom I've dated or had an interest in. Only one was actively repulsed by it. Most were neutral/semi-positive. I think you will find the same. But, you can't find that out without asking/telling.

Don't ask, and don't tell, and you doom yourself and your relationship to sadness.

[stevie34]

I went out on a night out with two girls shortly after my last breakup. The issue was in my mind at the time and I wanted to find out what other girl's opinions were, so after the third bottle of wine I opened up and broached the subject. Amazingly it went down OK and opened up some interest and discussion. Later on one of them invited me to sleep with her.

It's still one of my biggest regrets not accepting the offer. I felt it wouldn't be gentlemanly. I think she needed hugging and someone to be nice to her, and that was where I was at the time too. But that's a different matter.

Personally I'm probably still not quite ready for another relationship, but when I am ready I do plan to be up front rather than hide it.

A flatmate does internet dating and meets a lot of girls. Worth a shot on one or two to gauge the reaction rather than hiding things and feeling guilty and frustrated for the sake of not doing so. That's my plan anyway. I wouldn't like to hide anything from a new partner, especially as it tends to lead to trouble. Moderation can be agreed.

[deja true]

On a slightly lighter note, but still apropo, I think...

The perfect time for testing the acceptance thing with new woman acquaintances is just around the corner... Hallowe'en.

Got someone your somewhat interested in ... and she knows you well enough to like your company? Here's the time for a serious foray into that big question. Presenting yourself in all your ladylike glory for a party on this single day presents the opportunity to get that crucial opinion.

Is she freaked out and kind of embarrassed for you? Well, what the heck, it's a one time thing done on a dare. Is she pleasantly intrigued and and asks a few questions about it? Well, ... uh, yeah, you are pretty good at it, aren't you? And here's why!

That's when the closer conversation can begin.

Several have essentially said, 'Don't tar them all with the same brush'. I have to agree entirely, given the surprisingly wonderful acceptance I got from my long-time gf just a few short months ago. I thought the ax would fall ... but... We're going to SCC together. She wants to know more!

Hang in there, Rhonda! You can't really be the man you wanna be, should be, if you deny an essentially positive part of your nature. That hole will have to fill with something and it's more than likely gonna be negative. Don't really want that to happen, do you?

[Misty is Kindafem]

Coming out to myself was the most difficult part for me. It was terrifying to admit out loud what I was.

I'm single now and I will be forever as far as I know.

I'm not out at work or even in my neighborhood but I'll be damned if I'll ever hide again in my own house.

... but of course I rather enjoy not being in a relationship, so it's not exactly a sacrifice.


-Misty

[Maxi]

I have a tendency to leave my slips laying around the bedroon. When I was dating, the women would ask, Who's is that? I would tell them it's mine. Then the questions would start, I would answer them honestly. There was never any problems because of my love for female attire. When I met the women who became my wife now, she has been fully excepting, even helpful.

Most women when you first meet are more excepting and courious of CDing than a woman that has known you for years as just a guy. Lay the foundation first then build your life together. Be honest with her.

[Faith_G]

Truth is, I didn't want to give it up. I didn't have sufficient motivation to give it up. Still don't. But if I fall in love and have the opportunity to live out my life in a loving, stable relationship... That's sufficient motivation! No doubt I'd miss it. To be perfectly honest there'd probably be times I'd act on it to some extent. But if I'm fortunate enough to ever again be in a truly meaningful relationship, it'll be worth the sacrifice, and what little there is left that I allow myself to act on will just have to be my little secret!

You're fooling yourself and it is likely to end very badly.

[Hope]

Personally, I wouldn't even contemplate being serious friends with someone who I thought I couldn't trust, or be honest with. What would be the point?

I also wouldn't even contemplate being serious friends with someone who thought I was some sort of pervert, deviant, creep. Again, what would be the point? There are lots of people who think I'm a royal jerk (ask around) but I don't mistake them for friends.

So if I wouldn't consider them friends... Why on earth would I consider a person like that "relationship" material?