Trying to QUIT COLD TURKEY

[NathalieX66]

Cool Stacy, congratulations on being a father, I'm sure it's a wonderfu; feeling.

I purged exactly 10 years ago when I took a new job and moved across the country. I thought I was too intelligent to engage in such nonsense. I re-entered the cd'ing world 9 months ago. Guess what? I don't regret a bit of it. Now I handle it in a much smarter way.

The reality is that when one forms an interest in cd'ing , it never truly goes away. What happens is, when one tries to experiment with clothes at a young age, the experience becomes permanently branded into one's psyche. These experiences get permanently tattoo'ed onto one's brain. It doesn't make a difference whether the reasons are gender expression, rebellion, sexual gratification, or you just like the way the clothes & the package looks esthetically. You can run away from it, but it will never run away from you. Your dog or cat will never have this problem because they have to small an imagination and collective memory, they just act on instinct.
The fact is that the glorious human imagination, and your collective memory, will always play a role in your wants and needs. The last thing anyone wants is their creative imaginations to be stifled. Do you really feel comfortable putting constraints on yourself?
I laud the male population that takes no interest in CD'ing...as long as they are understanding of us. But I don't want to live a day in their shoes because I would simply go nuts.
As country music outlaw icon Waylon Jennings once sang "I've always been crazy but it keeps me from going insane".

[Dana]

did you sing
"C-140 rolling down the strip, airborne ranger gonna take a little trip..."

But yeah the femme side will come back, and you will be buying a new wardrobe.

No! I said JHQ~WTFAYD! Have you lost you ever loving mind!

[AllieSF]

Congratulations on your purge and good luck for the long term. I know it is hard to get rid of some treasured items. However, over the long run you will remember this purge and maybe a few more in the future. If that is what it takes for you to find yourself and figure out a nice peaceful and happy way to live your life, by all means, keep on purging. We only learn the best by taking decisions and doing things. Some decisions and actions are good and others not so good. In the end, I believe that you will be better, whether you can completely quit or not. Live your life as best you can and do not worry about the past. It is the future that is more important. Hugs.

[Ralph]

I don't think one can quit. Anyone know someone who did quit and never came back to crossdressing? I'm just curious. Purging can get expensive...
O

Way to be supportive! You only know that YOU can't quit. First off, the level of urge is different for everyone, so it's easier for some than for others. Second, if the motivating factor is stronger than the urge, you'll make it. It's amazing how many things you didn't think you could live without are suddenly easy to give up if your life, or your marriage, or your career depend on giving them up.

If it's that important to Stacy, I know she... or I guess now it's more appropriate to say HE... can and will do it.

[Melinda G]

You can never quit! It's like the Mafia. Once your in, you can never get out.

[Jennifer_Cross]

For God's sake.... Talk to her

It just may give you the best of both. . . Gentally!

Jen

[baby beluga]

this isn't going to solve any of your issues

[Kolokea GG]

You can do it despite what others have said. You can truely do anything you put your mind to.

[sandra-leigh]

You can do it despite what others have said. You can truely do anything you put your mind to.

Sorry, but that isn't true.

For example, many people can draw a straight line; the great majority of people can draw a quite straight line if given a ruler (or more technically, a "straight-edge") and a pen/ pencil / scribe. But I, a seemingly normal looking human who has acceptable control of all of my limbs (e.g., no MS or other similar diseases) simply cannot draw a straight line -- and it isn't for lack of "putting my mind to it".

I look the same as everyone else, so why can't I do this common task even when I try hard?

Answer: because there is something different in my brain from that of most other people. And I am not speaking metaphorically nor "my experiences lead me to conclude" assumed differences: I mean that I went through a suite of medical tests when I was 9 years old, and the doctors found distinct evidence of differences in my brain. In particular, they found that I have damage to the portion of my brain that in normal people is responsible for fine muscle control. "Putting my mind to it" won't help: in this regard, I am literally "brain damaged". (When I was born, the doctors did not think I would survive, as I had a very low oxygen level.)


"Do anything you put your mind to" presumes that your brain is such that it is possible for you to do it. I got away lightly with my fine motor control damage. But evidence has been amassing that gender-related portions of my brain are also wired differently than typical.

There are medical studies, including MRI (Magnetic Resonance Imaging) that have demonstrated that notably different portions of the brain typically activated for "males" and "females" for some tasks, and some of those MRI studies have examined transsexuals and demonstrated that many (but not all) of the test subjects really did have brain activation patterns typical of the gender they considered themselves to be rather than typical of their birth sex.

I have not personally had my brain patterns examined with respect to gender matters... those tests back when I was young were not looking for such things. The experiential evidence in treating my depression is that I happen to be one of the people whose brain is wired atypically, a brain at conflict with itself. "Quiting" cross-dressing is, it appears, for me not something that could be done through a conscious decision: although I could theoretically switch back to male clothes and "be stubborn about it", my brain would continue to be at conflict: it would not be "quiting", just repressing, with probable negative physical medical consequences. To be blunt, if I were to attempt to repress my cross-dressing, I would likely get severely sick again.

Am I just not stubborn enough? No -- I can be very stubborn. I have made casual decisions of principle that I have stuck with for more than 30 years.

Medical evidence of my inner brain conflict goes back at least 16 years -- and it's only been 5 years since I had any idea that I was a cross-dresser (there were clues earlier, but I didn't recognize them.)

What one can put one's mind to is, in some cases, limited by one's body. Which, for some of us, is atypical.


Note: I am assuming here that you are not putting forth a Christian Science type perspective that bodies are unreal and that one can change (heal) one's body by pure thought and/or faith.

[Olivia]

Way to be supportive! You only know that YOU can't quit. First off, the level of urge is different for everyone, so it's easier for some than for others. Second, if the motivating factor is stronger than the urge, you'll make it. It's amazing how many things you didn't think you could live without are suddenly easy to give up if your life, or your marriage, or your career depend on giving them up.

If it's that important to Stacy, I know she... or I guess now it's more appropriate to say HE... can and will do it.

Thanks Ralph! Now, bite me.
O

[Cool Stacy]

WOW, You ladys are right. Not that I got to dress as often as I would liked to. But, I think just the COMFORT knowing I had the stuff and I could take something out and just put it on. Even though I wasnt fully dressed like I LOVED, I could wear something for like an hour or so . I am wishing I did not get rid of it all already. This is REALLY hard. Thank You for the kind words and support. Since I got rid of my stuff its on my mind all the time. Why were we born this way.Not that its a bad thing, it just makes life tough. Every day things like working and things always wanting to dress thinking about it. I was wondering if those male enhancement pills would help. They also boost testostone or are male hormones or something. I dont know.

[StaceyJane]

Well I did quit eating cold turkey for lunch.
As for crossdressing. It's just a part of me. If I quit I would probably have to go to a support group because I can't quit without having to deal with some very strong urges.
I just feel better when I'm dressed.

[JulieC]

On burning the stash;<br />
I understand why you did it. It's the symbolic nature of it; a breaking point with the past.

The problem is, crossdressing isn't a history sort of thing. Crossdressing is who you are. It's not an addiction, a disease, or a learned behavior. You are who you are, whether you're wearing pantyhose or not. You're not any less a crossdresser today because you burned your stash anymore than you are less of a crossdresser because you're not wearing pantyhose at the moment.


On quitting for your kid;<br />
I'll echo what someone else said. I have kids, and none of them know or ever will know while they are kids. They don't need to know, there's no purpose in them knowing, giving them the burden of carrying a secret is unfair to them, and if they accidentally slip up their schoolmates will ridicule them as the kid with the tranny dad. Not happening. Quitting for your son might seem like a good motivation to quit, but it is, as someone else said, an external reason.


On quitting for your marriage/wife;
Nobody can tell you what is best for your relationship with your wife. But, it is important that you read and understand the trials and tribulations crossdressers can go through in marriage. It isn't so easy as to just burn the clothes and vow never to do it again.

You are surrounded by the clothes. Your wife's clothes will always be present around you. You burned your clothes, but femme clothes are a moment's decision away from being worn again. Burning your clothes doesn't put you on a deserted island with only male clothes available to you. Even so, with only male clothes available to you, you're still a crossdresser.

You're going to have to be very careful. Careful to understand what you really are. Careful to understand how to be the best husband (and that is NOT necessarily being society's idea of 'perfect'). Careful to understand what makes your relationship tick and how to keep it that way, and more importantly how to keep improving on that.

There are people in the world that view pleasing yourself 'down there' as a mortal sin. Let's say you are such a person, and your wife has no knowledge this is happening. Let's assume you feel your wife feels the same way regarding this sin. So, a good response is...to lop off either your hands or your appendage so you don't do it anymore?

Actually, burning the clothes and vowing never to dress again is in some sense more sinister than that. Your wife doesn't know, isn't involved in the decision, doesn't know it has happened, and only witnesses the outcome without knowing how the outcome came about. You can't cut crossdressing out of yourself by burning some clothes. What you are doing is attempting to repress it within yourself, not cure it.

On being able to quit/cure/permanently stop;
There's a number of people here noting the inability to quit. There's a few saying the opposite. One noted that only you can decide that for yourself. I agree with the latter.

However, it's very important to evaluate this honestly. I will say this; if it IS possible, then you're going to need the resources of people who have made it work. In the very, very least it is exceptionally hard. You can't do this alone like you are attempting to do. So, go on the net and try to find success stories of people who have been able to quit CDing and stay 'cured'.

The problem here is; the stories don't exist. There's no support groups for 'former' CDers. There's no self-help books on how to quit CDing. There's no research papers discussing hormonal cures to crossdressing.

At some point, you have to ask yourself...why? Why the absence of all these things?

For my part;
I can't tell you how to live your life. I can tell you how I chose to live mine. I've been through purges too. I've been through long periods of doubt about myself. I've spent most of my life not accepting who I am.

I terrorized myself. I spent a lot of my adult life doing silly things like flipping a coin to decide if I was going to crossdress. If it were heads, I was getting a message from God telling me not to crossdress. I'd feel guilty as hell putting on femme clothing, force myself to undress. I'd dress in secret, never tell a soul. I used an old anonymous re-mailer in Finland to make posts to alt.pantyhose back in the early 90s, fearing discovery. I remember trembling from head to toe in fear when I sent out my first message this way, wondering how long it would be before someone would out me, discover that this guy was a crossdresser.

It took a long time before I slowly began to realize that the most terrible discovery that I was dreading, avoiding, trying to prevent at all costs was...myself. Society had done a wonderful job on me, of forcing me to think that anything other than a masculine male was wrong, bad, broken, immoral, spiritually corrupt, and every other bad word that is even marginally applicable.

I was living a lie. It was incredibly unhealthy, and I was mentally killing myself in the process.

So, I decided on a different path. I would start viewing crossdressing as an expression of myself, no different than if I choose to wear green or blue. I am who I am. If the world doesn't accept me for who I am, then it's the world that has it wrong. Working in concert with my wife (who knew before we got engaged thankfully), I've developed a set of rules in regards to crossdressing to live by;

• Do not allow CDing to be the cause of physical harm in any setting.
• Do not allow CDing to have a threatening impact on the family's finances, including but not limited to threatening my job.
• Do not cause embarrassment to either my children or my wife. It's ok to crossdress in public where there's zero expectation of seeing anyone we know.
• The children will not know until they are adults, at a minimum.

Within those confines, I am free to dress as I like whenever I like. It's a compromise, and it works. It treats crossdressing as a healthy thing, while avoiding the hatred based criticism society is capable of wielding on crossdressers.


I can't tell you how to get from square A to square Z. That's your own personal journey to figure out.

I can tell you that I firmly believe the path you have chosen is dangerous.

That's my opinion, and worth $.000000000002 in electrons it cost to display it to you. Your mileage may vary, settling of contents may occur during shipment, and opinion does not enable wearer to fly. No warranties expressed or implied, seek professional help and do not try this at home.

[Fab Karen]

hot turkey is much better, with mashed potatoes and gravy.

[TNRobin]

did you sing
"C-140 rolling down the strip, airborne ranger gonna take a little trip..."

But yeah the femme side will come back, and you will be buying a new wardrobe.

Should be C-130. I spent many years jumping out of those things as well as C-141s and a whole bunch of stuff owned by Delta.

As for quitting, I've done it and started again. Won't ever quit again. I know that your heart is in the right place with family and all, but you're repressing a huge part of who you are. It'll likely wind up with a build up of resentment and perhaps, but hopefully not, create more issues than it solved.

I do wish you all the best, really I do, but....

[Marcia Blue]

[SIZE="2"]Stacy, do not be so hard on your self. You have done what you felt was right. I understand your reasons fully. I got by for many years with only lipstick and fantasies. Your child and wife are your motivation. A truly noble and worth while cause. I hope the best for you and your family. [/SIZE]

[TJ Tresa]

Stacy honey I wish you the best, and I admire you for trying to do this for your son. However like a drug addict being around drugs has a hard time coping with it and the temptation to do drugs again. Let me assure you that you will have a hard time, you will be around your wife's clothes, and that my friend makes it real hard to quit. If you need ot talk remember we are here and will help any way we can. Again Good luck, and I wish you the very best.

[Chiana]

When my former cohabitational GG partner moved in, I boxed everything up and put it in the garage. I grew a moustache. I quit CDing completely..... Until we split up several years later. I was sure glad that I hadn't gotten rid of my girlie stuff. Good luck with your journey. But next time, at least give your stuff to someone on this forum. It made me sad to read that you had burned all of those neat toys. Sigh...

[Julie Moore]

Being a behavioral therapist and lifelong cross dresser, I have done a great deal of research on the subject, including researching peer-reviewed journals and also written a graduate paper on the subject.

The bottom line is that no one has any idea where this behavior comes from and there really isn't much interest in the psychological community in finding out for the following reasons.

1. Most cross dressers seem to enjoy this behavior and don't want to stop.

2. Cross dressers adapt their behavior and find a way for it to fit into their lifestyle.

3. It is very difficult to put together any type of clinical study since most cross dressers don't see this as a problem.

As such, there are really no accepted, effective treatments to "cure" cross dressing. It also appears that trying to abstain from dressing only enhances the desire to dress over time. Most cross dressers can stop for periods of time and even purge their wardrobes, get married, etc. Ultimately, though the urge to dress doesn't go away.

So there's the bad news. Here's the good news. Often times, wives of cross dressers will accept this behavior and may even participate. Of course, some might find it abhorrent, but they will find it more abhorrent if you keep it from them and they find out on their own. (This happened to me when I was married) The best course is to be honest with your wife. She will appreciate your honesty and, if she truly loves you accept it. The greatest fear a woman has is that her man is going to cheat on her. Once she finds out that his desires are rooted in cross dressing and not cheating, it is often an acceptable alternative for them.

You can try therapy, with or without your wife. I work with many cross dressers, helping them accommodate their feelings in various contexts. The main thing I try to do is to help them not feel guilty about something they have little control over and didn't cause. Cross dressing is a part of our personalities. In many ways it gives us a great escape and a healthy, mature, defense mechanism against life's anxieties and tribulations.

Hope this helps.

Julie

[Tomara]

Hi Stacy
I wish you luck with you quitting cross dressing but some how I feel that you will again feel the need to enjoy that part of you and you will again find yourself with a collection of feminine items and probably wishing you kept at least some of the things that you burned.
And on the burning issue I think you would have done the environment a favor if you had made a donation at a local clothing drop box instead of putting all of those toxins in the air !
Tomara

[KathyL]

Hi - as others have said, only you know what is best for you, what you want to do and whether you can do it. However, I think the odds are that you will want to dress again in the future and so have to accumulate a new wardrobe - which could be fun but very expensive! Good luck in following your chosen path. I'm sure people will be here to help and support you on your journey.

[Ms Mira]

Firstly, congratulations on being a father, and I think the sentiments behind your purging are quite nice.

At the same time, for 99.9% of crossdressers, burning your clothes is like burning money. Maybe you should consider dressing significantly less, and trying to find a new balance instead.

[Cool Stacy]

Thank You ladys for all the kind words. I am already finding it difficult. Knowing I do not have my breast forms or my favorite pink minnie dress is driving me crazy. That is untill I see my little boy then I wanna be all man. It is so wierd and different than any other times. This is so hard. Well thanks for listening.