Q: how do any of you deal with the need to transition while believing you will never pass? I have very broad shoulders and fear I will always standout if I attempt to transition or even dress-up.
Thanks in advance your your answers.
Q: how do any of you deal with the need to transition while believing you will never pass? I have very broad shoulders and fear I will always standout if I attempt to transition or even dress-up.
Thanks in advance your your answers.
I am one of those "classic" girls who knew from a VERY early age that I was a girl. And yet, I also am one of those unfortunate girls who is 6'2" tall with a deep bass voice... or at least male me had that great voice. When I was in 7th grade, I shot up from 5'0" to 6' in about 5 months time... and somewhere in there, I woke up one morning with a radio announcer's voice. LOTS of people commented on my voice... which was natural, it was a 35 year old's voice in a 14 year old's body. People would say "You have such a DEEP voice!" they were amazed and trying to be complimentary. You can imagine how I felt about it. And I remember, very clearly, the moment I realized that these two things together meant that I could NEVER transition... that I WOUlD NEVER be able to be a convincing woman. You can imagine what that did to my soul as well.
Before I started transition I used to get told I looked like Steven Segal. I was a big burley boy.
20 odd years later, things reached a point where I simply couldn't take it any more.
When I first started to present myself as female, I had no illusions that I was passing. And despite my deathly fear of being read as a freak, or a dude in a dress, the experience of being me was so much better than being the woman hiding in a suit... that I didn't mind it as much. That even being the dude in the dress was better than being the man.
Today, I have become much better at presentation (frankly better than I thought I could be) and a weird thing is happening... Even when I am not passing, I am still read as a woman... which is a bit of a weird distinction to make. To clarify, I seem to pass, about 50% of the time, every time. That is, that my presentation, voice, mannerisms, etc have reached a place where I pass with strangers, pretty reliably. And with those who I don't pass with (sometimes the moment of "discovery" is obvious) I am still interpreted as a woman... strangers never miss pronouns (people who knew me as mr. guy still get mixed up occasionally) and the only time I have been called "sir" in the last 6? months is (one time!) when a jerk was trying to be, well, a jerk. I am included in the girl talk. Men flirt with me (and not the way "tranny chasers" do) the lesbians I hang out with have completely accepted me (and they all know my history).
My word of hope to you is this: for all intents and purposes, even with those who do still read me (and it is a significant number) I am still a woman. Even at 6'2", even with big broad shoulders (though loosing muscle mass does reduce their bulk a lot), even with my crummy voice - I still seem to get "Girl" wherever I go. And you can too. You will go through an ugly period (we all do) you will go through the awkward stage - but it is not forever.
"I don't mind living in a man's world, as long as I can be a woman in it." — Marilyn Monroe
First, I would tell you to take a trip to the mall or wherever it is in your town where the women gather. Just sit back and look at them. You will see that women come in all shapes, colors, sizes, and looks. Now it would be nice if we could all be that super sexy, good looking hot chick that most men fantasize and drool over. Unfortunately, that is rarely the case even for GGs. Yes, we all will go through that ugly and awkward stage. Look back and remember some of the GGs from your youth. There were some really ugly girls that have grown up to be ravishing beauties. The same goes for us. That old story about the ugly duckling is more real than you may realize.
Take what you have and do the best you can with it. Allow HRT to do it's job. It takes time. As time and money permits, go for the FFS and other surgeries that make you look more like you want to look. Remember, even though life is short, you have a lifetime to work on yourself. And so what if you never achieve the look of a real GG? What matters is in your head and heart, not what your outside looks like.
Last edited by Jorja; 02-16-2012 at 10:19 AM.
You have to learn a brand new attitude.. That attitude is "It's MY LIFE!!!"
What this means is that you have to think about your true goals and needs.
The hard parts of transition are not whether you pass or not.
How serious are you about your gender? Unless you are absolutely certain or absolutely desperate, transition is not something to think about
If you are sure, then how you look is a quality of life issue, and we all look at it differently. Appearance is a quality of life issue for everyone, especially for women.
So all you can do is to make smart decisions about things like what you wear and whether cosmetic surgery is possible (just like any woman btw)...
maybe if you are serious you could start by doing a little work on you name..
I think you reach the stage in your life where passing (or not) doesn't matter and the need to be yourself and stop living a lie outweighs the risks involved from ridicule and rejection. I am lucky in that I am 5' 4" and live in stealth in the main part so probably not best suited to answer the question to the full but I believe that you don't become TS, you are born it and sometimes that realisation just takes a little longer. Whether we can pass or not, it does not reduce the reality that we are not the genders we were apparently born and to put it simply, transition or not is a choice we just don't have.
Rachel xx
Hope is soooo right, that is a beautifully written reply !! I would like to add that I have a friend here who is larger than Hope by a fair bit ( she is 6'4" and weighs around 220), but she passes perfectly now. You can too. It does take effort and in some cases surgery can help a lot. BUT you can make it and live a full life. There are two tricks to "it": the less you try, the more you succeed; it takes practice - practice - practice !! Rome was not built in a day and the same is true of all successful folks living in an opposite gender.
There is a road—no simple highway—between the dawn and the dark of night.
And if you go no one may follow. That path is for your steps alone.
Hi,
As many will be aware that i dont = yes ill use those words = i dont pass or blend in . being intersexed does not give you in my case a female / woman looking face.
iv been told by a few of the many friends i have & its true , we all come in different shapes sizes & looks, really we are all different, in my case i did not transition from male to female or female to male , im both allthough im a woman & accepted as one,
What i have as my advantage is im accepted for who i am not how i look or dont. iv joined women only groups & a member, they dont have any issues, so why should i , i dont,
If we based all we did on how we looked we'd do nothing get no where & be a recluse to the point of haveing no life at all. im very busy with people & very much a part of thier lifes as they are mine.
I know what its like knowing you cant look other than you are, no make up would change that, if you like its a cross i carry, so i do the best with what i have after that i have to leave it there, or go insane & then miss out on what i have,
Yes its hard to deal with . & yes i feel ashamed of how i look or dont. i get embarrised & wonder why the hell i am the way i am. so yes i go through all that. so it comes down to
...........IM still a .......WOMAN.........despite my self,
...noeleena...
Hello, It feels a little akward for me to be her and I'm not even sure if I'm aloud, I have atleast a year before I could even start to transition if I decide to, but I had questions and I guess felt I wanted answers if thats ok. This may be long, but I've considered this since I was thirteen, before that well I'm more of those worldly types with the only cares being those infront of me, see I didn't see the difference between boys and girls, I just saw humans, I didn't want to change or really even cared, it wasn't until I hit 12-13 that I started to have thoughts that I wanted to be a girl. I'm ok being me I won't commit suicide just for being me, but I don't want to be me, I look in the mirror both dressed as a woman and not and you can see which one I approve of, being a guy means nothing to me, I can't smile unless I'm in a real joyess mood, I get times when I just feel lost and depressed, my lower plumbing wouldn't be missed the only reason I started to use it in the first place was to stop it from working at night if you understand that. I"m not gay and I sure hope that isn't a factor. I just feel that if I were to become a woman full time I would get the same confidence and feeling boost I get when I'm dressed. But I don't want to do this if it isn't the right way, I feel I want to and dought I would regret it but I've done some reading herehttp://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j...-0f75JIoq0_zuA and it makes me feel like if I do this I'm doing it for the wrong reasons, I don't necessarily feel like a woman in a mans body, but I don't know what a woman feels like do I. My only other problem is I'm 6'5", I have a rather slender frame but I wouldn't want stand out any more than I do as a guy, but I suppose it doesn't matter how tall you are right? I just want to know does it sound like I shouldn't be trying for this?
There is a myth that all transsexuals must share the same feelings and history. Every person is an individual.
Having said that, transition is not something that you should rush into without giving careful thought to why you are doing it and what would be the consequences. Even when it is (as was the case for some of us) it is a matter of life and death, you still need to think about what you are getting into.
You ask whether being gay or not is a factor - that has to do with your sexual orientation, not with your gender, so in my not so humble opinion, should not be a factor to weigh in the balance when deciding whether you are in reality a woman with a male body.
It would be wrong of me to try to tell you whether or not you are TS - only one person can know that for certain and that person is you.
May I suggest that you might benefit from finding a respected gender therapist and letting her guide you to ask the right questions of yourself?
Check out this link if you are wondering about joining Safe Haven.
This above all: To thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any
Galileo said "You cannot teach a man anything" and they accuse ME of being sexist
Never ascribe to malice that which can be easily explained by sheer stupidity
So, I know it is expensive, sometimes coming close to $100k for the full transition. How did you all pay for it? Were you covered under insurance for any of it? Are there foundations that help with this?
I know a lot of people go to Thailand for the surgeries to save money, how much do you actually end up saving?
guys my structure is like i have big shoulders but as we go down it gets thinner which means i have narrow hips , will these hormones change it , or else i can have broader hips so that the ratio becomes proper . i am a beginner just 2 months oh hrt . please tell me the best and suitable option
Joslyn, you describe exactly my thought process over many years... i always viewed it as a fantasy..even a sexual fantasy.. the ideas that i wish/i want to be a girl, why wasnt i girl?? what would it be like? all haunted me..
But i was resigned to maleness i guess...and like many of us, i leapt in with both feet, and i never really connected my "guy failures" with not being a guy....even so, i didn't "hate" my body or ever try to kill myself..
i dressed when i had the chance, and i never noticed almost ALL of my inner dialogue was about my female thoughts...
i believe i felt this way because i accepted my maleness.. i viewed being a girl almost as magic...i don't think this really is any different than "knowing" at 6 yrs that you are female...i think its just a different way to cope with what must be a totally F'd up thinking process for a 6 year old..
I'm 6'2" ..hope is 6'2"...others here are "of height"...and btw Hope, your avatar looks fantastic!!
i won't lie...you will be noticed...
so even tho that may suck for you, you are going to have to deal with... if it stops you from transitioning, then the real life boots on the ground answer is that you will muddle through with whatever coping skills you have..
you are gonna have to weigh the feelings of GID vs the feelings of being afraid of your height (along with all the other things!! LOL)..
my approach to height was ffs and working on a good voice.. this worked for me... i really really wanted to "pass"...not just casually..so i saved up and i am blessed to have been able to afford the ffs...
and now the comments are "i bet you played basketball"."omg you are tall, were you a model??(3x i counted!!), and guys begging me to tell them how tall i am......
I'm a practical person, so i won't give you baloney...your height is an impediment up until either you fill up with self esteem or your GID gets so bad you just don't care...
Sierra...as a finance person, i can tell you there is no magic bullet...if you make 2000/month, you have to spend less than that and save it...plus if you want the savings to grow you have to risk it in the stock market..inflation will eat away at the money under the mattress..
if you can't live off your salary, you have to find a way to improve it.. think of it as investing in your transition...
the world is aiming towards insurance covering SRS, but that's about it...
there are no schemes or foundations that pay for this...although there are some community centers that hook you up with inexpensive hormones and discount electrolysis...but that's a big city thing usually..
HRT is VERY INEXPENSIVE..so thats a good place to start investing btw...
The belief that I would never pass meant that I started transition at 34 instead of 29-30. The reality is I do way better than I ever imagined possible. FFS changed my life unfortunately transition is really expensive especially if you need FFS and most of us do! I'm tall for a girl but still with in reason and I've shrunk from 6 down to 5' 11" ish and could possibly shrink some more though I'm not holding my breath nor do I let my height bother me now. I only recently started wearing heals as I found some super cute wedges I really like! Still usually it's flats for me. Kaitlyn said so many things that resonate with my experience. Shoulda been a girl, wishing I was a girl, imagining I had a vagina instead of a penis all just seemed like crazy fantasies. Never once did I say with conviction, "I'm a girl, world!" what I said was, "WTF is wrong with me!!" this madness did drive me to the brink of suicide, personally I needed that because of all of my fixed ideas about life, my place in the world, and male and female gender roles. I believe my fixation on gender roles was a defense of sorts, if I could clearly define the world and it's people I could figure out where I fit. I guess it worked in a backward sorta way. Thank god I do not have broad shoulders however I'm still about as curvy as a board.everyone is different but dont expect much change in the hip department, you may get some fat there and on your butt, it still will not be like a GGs curves which are the result of pelvic bone structure changes that happen during puberty.
I am 6'4" and weighed 225 lb when I decided to transition. I always stood out because of my height. I have broad shoulders, but fortunately shapely legs and fine bond arms and hands.
One of the first things I did was go online and googled what I perceived to be my flaws and how to fix them with clothing. As a result I never wear spagetti straps, or anything less than a capped sleeve, I carefully select my clothing to hide the flaws of the body I have (like any other woman). HRT will do much to deal with shapes. I wear heels frequently, which makes me 6'8".
Originally Posted by Postopadmirer
"Never forget the many ways there are to be human" (The Transsexual Taboo)
For me, I've been a gurl for as long as I can remember. And with the pleasures that come from my femininity, there also comes an enormous amount of pain. I was first dressed as a girl by my (fortunately deceased) pedophile uncle. I remember fondly my first female outfit - a bright yellow sundress with black Mary Janes and white tights, and the cutest pink polka-dotted parasol. but that is the only fond memory I have of my femininity. For seven long years, I hated everything about myself. Yet even in that pit of despair, Veronica was there watching out for me. When the molestation stopped, at age 13, nature took over. I developed breast tissue during puberty, and lactated - quite noticably, unfortunately. My mom took me to a doctor, who (this being the late 70's) gave Mom some 'magic ointment' to help me masculinize. Although I didn't know it at the time, this was the last coffin nail in a chain of events
that led to my become Veronica, as it began my path by triggering a (latent) disease I carried - Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome... The more 'magic cream' I took, the more feminine I became :O When the doctors found my ovary (after a CT scan of my abdomen, necessary for my gall bladder surgery), it had been fully functional since I began the androgel. They saw that the risks of removing it were too great, and I still have my ovary. Unfortunately, I wasn't healing fast enough after the surgery, and the doctors theorized that was due to my abnormally low testosterone, and gave me a 'booster shot' of testosterone to 'jump start' the healing process. This led to full-blown AIS in me, thus causing my one good testicle (the other, I found out, was an ovo-testis) to totally shut down, so I was now only producinbg female hormones, and the trickle of testosterone the pituatary and adrenals produce to function. The testosterone in my body was aromatizing, breaking down in such a way as to damage my liver. I was started THAT DAY on spiro, and faced with the decision to live, and become a female, or die slowly and painfully of liver failure. Tough choice that was...I had a 15-year-old-daughter I wanted to one day walk down the aisle, and I now can...as Roni, her 'Dad'.2
I'm eight-teen and I'd love nothing more than to become a girl. I could (and would greatly enjoy) talk to a mtf transsexual for hours with all my questions and fears about the surgery and the overall procedure, so I'll just ask a few for now.
1. Did the entire procedure confuse you at first?
2. What was the first step you took?
3. How much did it all cost in the end? (money wise)
4. Are you happier now?
5. How long did the whole procedure take? from the first step to the last surgery or therapy session(or are you still going on with it?)
All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream. -Edgar Allan Poe
Dethgirl,
First off, let me say this loud and clear. Do not transition unless you have no other option. That being said, Do your homework first. Once you do make the decision to transition, it is not an easy road to travel.
I knew I was different from the time I was 4 or 5 years old. Life had played a cruel trick on me. It put this female into a male body. My parents were no help. They said you were born male, you will just have to learn to be a male. At around 10 years old I informed them (after learning about Christine Jorgensen) that I would be a woman some day. I got knocked across the kitchen for that.
As I learned about the entire procedure I was more amazed that they could do that than confused. Back in those days I had to look things up in an encyclopedia or medical journal. There was no internet. I finally met a couple of transwomen and got to ask questions. They were both very kind and answered alot of my questions. I was talked into making one last effort at being a male. I joined the U.S. Navy. Mistake!!!!! After my 4 years were over, that evening I started my transition and never looked back.
As I recall my first steps were never again wearing male clothing and starting electrolysis (laser had not been invented as yet). There were no therapist to consult with as yet. I do encourage you to seek one out. They can be very beneficial to the process.
How long did the whole procedure take? from the first step to the last surgery or therapy session(or are you still going on with it?)
For me it was about 10 years. It could have been done in two or three years but this was early on in the history of SRS and FFS. The procedures just weren't to my liking. I waited several years for the techniques to catch up to the science. What I had done isn't even close to what they can do now days. So it has been revised a time or two.
As I recall, the total price of my transformation was around $80,000 USD. As time has passed and new techniques have been perfected I have spent around $40,000. So that is a total of $140,000 USD. I don't care who you are, that is a lot of money. I worked 2 and 3 jobs and saved every penny I could to pay for it. For me no insurance would cover the surgeries.
Am I happier now? Happier is a relative term. It stopped the GID. I have worked really hard and consider myself a success. I live in a nice house and have plenty of money. I have two kids (from a dumb marriage at 19) that love me and I wouldn't part with them for anything. I was married to a wonderful man until he passed unexpectedly a couple of years ago. So I guess I have been happy.
Last edited by Jorja; 06-10-2012 at 09:34 AM.
Well hello gals. I was born in this male shell but female inside. I long to transition ( the full deal FFS through SRS) so bad that it hurts, I live out here in North Dallas Texas and it seems to me that most therapists have no idea about transsexual women and view you as being nuts, they are clueless. I've always known that I was different and did girl things, felt comfortable with girls and never had any male friends, have not been in any relationship for 11 years now, I can't stand the thought of another person seeing my body since it disgusts me.
My question is this, when you first went to a therapist/psychiatrist what was the first things you said or told him/her and what was their reactions. This is not a decision or choice, this is a need that has to happen, or I feel I might lose my mind, I want to stop crying.
Stephkat,
Most gender therapists with experience have seen and heard it all. Even if they haven't I doubt there is much that would freak them out. Simply go in and tell them you are questioning your gender and would like some help figuring it out.
Just go in there and be honest. When you are trying to figure things out, you will be learning and growing and there are times where you may contradict yourself. Don't worry about saying the wrong thing, because who you are and what you thought a month ago doesn't change who you are and what you think today, etc. Therapy, learning who you are and what you want, transition, it's all a process. Again... just be honest and say exactly what you feel, not what you plan ahead of time and think is a good answer to get you where you want to go. Therapy doesn't work if you don't completely open up and tell the truth.Well hello gals. I was born in this male shell but female inside. I long to transition ( the full deal FFS through SRS) so bad that it hurts, I live out here in North Dallas Texas and it seems to me that most therapists have no idea about transsexual women and view you as being nuts, they are clueless. I've always known that I was different and did girl things, felt comfortable with girls and never had any male friends, have not been in any relationship for 11 years now, I can't stand the thought of another person seeing my body since it disgusts me.
My question is this, when you first went to a therapist/psychiatrist what was the first things you said or told him/her and what was their reactions. This is not a decision or choice, this is a need that has to happen, or I feel I might lose my mind, I want to stop crying.
I was just in north Dallas a month ago getting an orchiectomy at a great facility... check them out at ai4ps.com (american institute for plastic surgery). They do a lot of good work for transitioning FTMs and MTFs and they also have a few transsexuals that run a 'transsexual recovery home' for those recovering from surgery. While they can't do anything for you now, somebody there might know of a few local therapists who deal with transgender and transsexual patients... so if you run out of other options, maybe give them a call?
Well I feel there are a lot of good people here, wow. This is something big, I guess I must take a deep breath and take those first steps. I will try that ai4pc.com and see if they can guide me to the person/people I need to speak with, again thanks very much. This is all very scary right now but I guess with time it will ease up a bit.
This is to those of you with a big family and friend network. I am not quite sure what is the best way to ask, but let's try this.
1. I am mostly out. My close family members and people I primarily interact with know about me. My in-laws have not yet been told with the exception of my wife's sister. She has another sister and her parents that need to be told. My wife is having a difficult time about how we should tell her parents. I'm thinking to just do it the way I have been, but they are old world Italians in their advanced years and the wear and stress of life is really starting to show on them. We worry about their health more than their reaction. I suppose there is no easy way to do it but I thought that maybe someone else had a similar situation and could share.
2. What is the best way to tell those people that I may not primarily interact with but I still have a good bond with. They are not few and I tire of the one on one talks. Email seems too impersonal as does the facebook status and name change. Some of my friends ask why I need to say anything in the first place. I am just not sure. I care enough to tell them but not enough to care about their reaction.
- AF
Look girl, act girl, feel girl ... be girl.
Is it necessary to tell anyone? Do they have a need to know? Do your thing and keep quiet. With your wifes parents you say they are old world Italians in their advanced years and the wear and stress of life is really starting to show on them. They are more than likely Catholic. They will not approve nor be very accepting and it will only give them one more thing to stress over. Again, keep quiet.
Yea, I tend to think that as well, and it might even prove interesting when I finally do see those that I don't see very often.
With the in-laws I don't think it is an option. I see them regularly. One day I am going to look obviously feminine even to them and I am not going to be able to hide it. I wouldn't want to. What do I tell them when I go in for an operation? Lies and deception is what got me here in the first place and I am just not like that - well not anymore anyway. Besides, they would be more hurt if they heard it from someone else rather from us and I couldn't do that to them either.
I would rather deal with their disappointment and disapproval than have to lie anymore. I am just looking for an easy way to let them know, but I suppose there just isn't.
- AF
Look girl, act girl, feel girl ... be girl.
I would not want you to lie nor deceive anyone Abigail. You know the situation with the health of your in laws. If you chose to tell them there is only one way to do it. Just tell them.
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