Ask a MTF transsexual

[pamela_a]

Did anyone who didn't start transition until after their twenties, think back and not really have a time in their childhood where they really wanted to be a girl?

Reason I ask is I'm trying to work out what dressing and gender identity is to me, and I'm easily led at times so have fit an article about TS people very, very closely to myself. However I don't recall feeling like the wrong gender until I examined why I was dressing and why I felt so much better (nonsexually) recently (though I have never had an attachment to "being male" or my genitals in particular.

This sounds so very familiar to me Christina. I understand what you're saying because I've been down that road

I didn't start transitioning until, well, significantly after my 20s. I was essentially raised in a church until I graduated from high school. I always knew something was wrong with me but I had no idea what it was and, of course in that situation, I had nobody to talk to about it. There were bits and pieces, snippets of truth but nothing I would allow myself to believe or accept. It wasn't until I found a web forum I finally realized I wasn't alone and that opened the flood gates and finally enabled me to understand and accept why I'd felt wrong my whole life.

Only you know the answer you seek. I found mine in that place deep inside me I was always afraid to go. For me, finding the answer wasn't nearly as difficult as accepting it.

Follow your heart and you'll find the truth

[dawnmarrie1961]

Being an MTF myself. I've asked myself these questions over and over. Now I ask them of you.

How far do you need to go to feel comfortable with yourself?

Are you doing this in order to be accepted by society? Or yourself?

Realizing that (short of an act of god) no matter what you change about yourself, you will never really be a woman. Can you be content with that reality?

Be safe. Be smart.

Dawn Marrie

[gulliver]

If society totally accepted people from all through the gender and sexuality spectra, rather than just the predominantly female or male points on each spectrum, would you feel the need to transition?

[Sammy777]

If society totally accepted people from all through the gender and sexuality spectra,
rather than just the predominantly female or male points on each spectrum,
would you feel the need to transition?

Yes.
It is not so much about being accepted as it is being able to be yourself.

[pamela_a]

Being an MTF myself. I've asked myself these questions over and over. Now I ask them of you.

How far do you need to go to feel comfortable with yourself?

Are you doing this in order to be accepted by society? Or yourself?

Realizing that (short of an act of god) no matter what you change about yourself, you will never really be a woman. Can you be content with that reality?

Dawnmarrie, How far do I need to go to be comfortable with myself? I've just completed transitioning and now I'm comfortable. Society be damned, I'm doing this for me.

I disagree with the premise of your 3rd question completely. I AM a woman. I had a birth defect that's finally getting corrected.

[pamela_a]

If society totally accepted people from all through the gender and sexuality spectra, rather than just the predominantly female or male points on each spectrum, would you feel the need to transition?

I'm curious why so many people allow society to control their life. What is society other than a collection of people, most of whom who have never had an original thought in their life, banding together like a bunch of sheep for the purpose of having enought power to tell everyone else what to do and what is "acceptable".

Why should I listen to them? It's MY life, not theirs. I'm living it, nobody else.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Pam..the answer to your question may be in your mind already..

it took me many many years to build up the courage to realize that it was my life...i'm guessing same for you...what seems so obvious now was not so obvious to me years ago

For me, i looked at everything around me and made a conscious choice to fit in and i acted accordingly...for a while that worked for mem, but only by living that way for 40+ years, and realizing how empty and plastic i was did i move off that idea and towards being myself...doing what i knew was right for me feels out of this world wonderful to me

however, its also terrifying...now i have to go and be myself...all of sudden it really is me on the line...that is something i am getting used to every day
that fear is part of the reason i waited so long..

if you think about it, taking no risk has its own reward, but not really feeling anything is not very fulfilling .

[gulliver]

I thought long and hard about the question I posted yesterday and actually removed part of it before I posted. The full question was originally -
"If society totally accepted people from all through the gender and sexuality spectra, rather than just the predominantly female or male points on each spectrum, and you were able to be yourself, would you feel the need to transition?"

If I may, I'll ask another -

Why are you not able to be yourself without transitioning?

[pamela_a]

"If society totally accepted people from all through the gender and sexuality spectra, rather than just the predominantly female or male points on each spectrum, and you were able to be yourself, would you feel the need to transition?"

If I may, I'll ask another -

Why are you not able to be yourself without transitioning?

IMO Societal acceptance is irrevalant when it comes to the question of "do I need to transition or not?" Acceptance makes it easier to transition but the need to transition is a deeply personal thing and should ideally be make irregardless of societal impact (I know.. I'm dreaming with that one).

The answer to the questions "would I feel the need to transition" and "Why are you not able to be yourself without transitioning? " are linked. I was raised and lived too much of my life incorrectly as a male. For me, accepted by society or not, transitioning is the act of me living as who I am and not the artificial male construct I created. The only way I can be myself is to transition.

[Sammy777]

Why are you not able to be yourself without transitioning?

There is not an easy answer to that.

There is a big difference between being yourself, and being seen as who you are.

I am me, I have always been me, I will continue to be me through out my transition and beyond.
Who you are on the inside [IE in your Head] doesn't really change*.
Transitioning is more about getting your body to match what's in your head.

Like I said, I will always be myself,
BUT I will never be fully complete, happy, content, call it what you will until my body matches that of my mind.

*[While I may see, act, and react to things around me differently then I did before, this still really does not change who I am. Make sense?]

[Barbara Dugan]

Hi I would like to ask what is the best way to look for counseling? Do you need to be referred by your GP or do you need to find a gender counselor by yourself. I been feeling real good and I think that now that I have clear mind is a good time to try to understand myself better

[pamela_a]

Hi I would like to ask what is the best way to look for counseling? Do you need to be referred by your GP or do you need to find a gender counselor by yourself.

It may depend on if your insurance requires a referral. Mine doesn't and I found my therapist on my own. Even if it's not required it may be useful to discuss it with your GP. They may have some ideas or insight on where to look.

If you're in an area with a University based hospital they may have resources or a clinic there. That's where I found my therapist

Best wishes as you begin your search.

[Barbara Dugan]

Thanks Pamela my insurance doesnt require referrals. My only concern is find a counselor with experience

[Faith_G]

Try looking here, I found my therapist through this list.

http://www.drbecky.com/therapists.html

[Angel.Marie76]

I don't have my lists right here near me, but I basically just opened up every search engine I could find and started researching everything, therapists, support groups, reference material.. you name it. After finding about a 1/2 dozen different therapist / support group listings, I started narrowing down by region.. found support groups that new the 'better' councilors in the area, and so on..

[Kaitlyn Michele]

barbara..dr becky's list is well known.

you are going to have to meet some people unless you are very lucky...you'd be amazed at the folks that say they have the expertise to really help ....if all you want are hormone referrals thats a different story...

hopefully there is a group in houston...i met my hometown friends through the local crossdressing parties...even tho i wasnt sure they were right for me, imet tons of great people, and through those contacts met my current therapist, who is beyond wonderful...

so if you can make some local contacts then it can tend to open up all kinds of things for you

[Arianna Aine]

Hi I would like to ask what is the best way to look for counseling? Do you need to be referred by your GP or do you need to find a gender counselor by yourself. I been feeling real good and I think that now that I have clear mind is a good time to try to understand myself better

i would have to agree with pamela in saying that university hospitals are usually a good bet. the specialist i eventually ended up going to (after two idiotic general therapists) works at the UofM center for sexual health. (anyone here near minneapolis who happens to be looking for a specialist, Dr. Walter Bockting is awesome. tell him michelle sent ya ^_^)

part of the reason for this is because institutions that receive state and/or federal funding have to operate by certain standards. meaning they can't refuse treatment, must diagnose according to psychiatric standard (so none of that 'YOU ARE A SINNER' crap), and so forth. and if they do mess up you can sue them...not that you would ever have to ^_^

[Maryanne_sa]

Okay....this question was asked of us by an MtF, so I will ask it the other way....When you think of FtM's, do you find it hard to imagine why we need/want to be men? Yes, we all understand transsexuality, but, beyond that, do you ever sit back and think, wow, why would anyone want to be a man? Or, they have everything I want, why would they want to change it? (Not a comment, but glad you ladies are doing a Q&A, too).

What an excellent question you ask Trey. I have read your posts in the past and the thought did enter my mind as to why anyone could possibly want to be a man! I now realise how totally biased this thought is. You are in exactly the same boat as us Mtf's, only going in the opposite direction.

This made me think, If it is difficult for us to understand Transsexual's going the other way, How much more difficult is it for our non transgendered friends and family to understand.

This thought scares me, as I am at the point of telling friends and family, and only fear of rejection is holding me back,

Take Care,


Maryanne

[Saintlea]

I finally swallowed my shame and guilt last Christmas and told my wife of 15 years I have always wanted to be female. I am also seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist about my confusing gender issues.

I need to be female, every feeling I have desires this mistake of nature to be put right. But, my wife makes me feel that it is something to be ashamed about, I love her and we have two young and wonderful children. I also work in engineering where intolerance is rife... My question is this.

Where do I start? where do I begin to chip away at this false manly veneer to expose the woman that I have neglected inside me for so long?

[GypsyKaren]

You need to find someone to talk to so you can get things out to learn about yourself, the first step should be counseling while you keep your wife in the loop.

Karen

[Saintlea]

Thank you for your quick reply.. I hope to eventually be as comfortable with myself as most of the girls here seem to be. I guess it just takes time to unravel the real me.

[pamela_a]

Karen nailed it right on. You need to find a therapist you can work with. Just remember, a therapist won't have the answers you seek. They can only guide you to find the answers only you can provide.

I know many times it's easy to get wrapped up in the "what if's" but don't get ahead of yourself. Find out what you need to do before you start worrying about how to get there.

[tanyalynn51]

Listening to some of the responses here, (and I know I am new), I wonder how some make it sound so easy to go from being a man at work, to a woman the rest of the time. I wear panties, etc. to work, but that doesnt cover the fact that I have to keep the mindset to some degree. Or, is it just practice and experience?

[charline4994]

I'm really not sure where I am on the Trans spectrum. I've always had fantasies of becoming a girl but I don't know exactly. When I first heard of SRS when I was a child it sounded like exactly what I wanted. I've cross dressed off and on ever since I was 7. When cross dressing I feel at peace. It's morphed from more of a sexual thrill to a natural "at place." My mother (single parent) didn't accept my cross dressing so she certainly wouldn't accept if I was TS and that may be something that holds me back. I'm really not sure if I want to go 100% female or not.

[Faith_G]

Listening to some of the responses here, (and I know I am new), I wonder how some make it sound so easy to go from being a man at work, to a woman the rest of the time. I wear panties, etc. to work, but that doesnt cover the fact that I have to keep the mindset to some degree. Or, is it just practice and experience?

I'll field this one since I am currently working as a guy.

I don't really do much consciously to try to be a guy at work. I wear a uniform to work, so my clothing selection is pre-determined and that probably helps. I try not to talk too girly, but otherwise I just am me. I've been there 11 years and there have been a lot of changes to my presentation in the last 4 years. I think the people I work with are used to me being male and the alternative just has not occurred to them. I'm sure some of them are just too polite to say "Gee, you're a little light in your loafers these days, what's up with that?"

Outside work, when I'm presenting female, I concentrate on my voice mainly. I seem to be blessed with a natural ability to get by, people just accept me for who I appear to be.

The difficult part is stripping off the makeup and putting on the uniform to go to work, but that's an emotional struggle rather than effort that needs to be put forth and concentration that must be maintained - not "work" so to speak.