I was "outed"!

[NatalieNC]

I just had to share this because I'm a little freaked out. I hope this doesn't get deleted because I am hoping for some feedback or words of wisdom.

I was out and about today at lunchtime, and ran into my ex fiance having lunch with some girlfriends. I stopped and said hello, we are still friends and get together every now and then. She said hello, and then before I knew it, she was saying "this is my ex fiance that likes to wear ladies clothes!" I choked. Her friends looked at her and then looked at me and one said "oh really?" She responded with "yeah, that's why we broke up , I was afraid he'd be wearing my favorite dress while I wasn't home! hahaha". Her girlfrinds, looked at me in horror and one said "Are you for real?" I didn't speak, I was too shocked. So my ex said "He's a bit too wierd for me to marry but otherwise he's okay!" And she laughed and laughed. It was awful enough for her friends to be looking at me like I was a freak, but the people in the restaurant close to their table heard and were looking at me, some snickering, some looking at my girlfriend like she was an ass. I turned around and walked out. I could hear her calling for me, but I kept walking. I was so humiliated and mortified. Since then, she has left numerous messages on the cell appologizing but I can't speak to her.

So, now I am thinking, what next? what do i do? Do I really worry about this? Its not like I hang out with her friends at all. Probably will never encounter those folks at the restaurant. I guess I can't seem to get passed this feeling of being an alien, or a freak. The looks on those peoples faces are haunting me....

[Stephanie Miller]

Sounds like the person you once knew (or thought you knew )is no longer in your world. Sometimes it's better that way. If this is the price to pay and the timing it took (pre-marriage, pre kids) to find her true colors.... you have a lot to be thankful for . If it was me, I'd take the phone off the hook for good, get a new pair of heels and walk away from her as fast as I could. There are a lot of great GG's in this world looking for CD's like you.

[NatalieNC]

Thank you Stephanie, I needed to hear that. And oddly enough, I WAS carrying a bag at the time from one of my favorite shoe stores!! And what was inside? A new pair of heels! I am still laughing......I really needed that.

[Marcia Blue]

[SIZE="3"]Natalie,
My Ex outed me to the whole town. She put a picture of me dressed in the personals of the local paper not once but twice. I was devastated and mortified. This happened over 20 years ago. I developed a thick skin and survived. I still live in the same town and more than a few people remember the old personal ads. Most could care less. I say put it behind you and get on with life. Your Ex has obviously realized her mistake. You get to decide to forgive her or not. Open communication with her might keep from blabbing to more people in the future though.[/SIZE]

[Oddlee]

I just had to share this because I'm a little freaked out. I hope this doesn't get deleted because I am hoping for some feedback or words of wisdom.

What a horrible situation to be in! That would take some recovery time for sure...

I guess after I recovered and thought about it (given that you don't particularly associate with your ex's girlfriends) I wouldn't worry too much about being outed. I would definitely have to wonder how much I wanted to see the ex again, however. After a while, I might think about answering her messages. I think this will look different to you in a week or two.

Good luck!

Lee

[WitchTammy]

Sorry to hear that news. I was treated pretty badly by ex at times, but she never stooped that low.

Like Steph says, keep the chin up and heels clickin!

[Rebecca Jayne]

Let's see...my ex fiance,
Well I done with you, your done with me.
You put me down in front of her friends in a very public place,
I just pulled the hatchet out of my back!

I'm very, very done with her.
Now she calls, why ?
I thought we we done, didn't she show me
that she can be cruel and vindictive

I move on, I forget about the
Water under the bridge
After the floodgates are closed.

Tomorrow is a new day
Full of promise
Full of hope

[ReineD]

First, welcome to the forum!

Second, I have a few thoughts. I would consider myself very fortunate to have broken off a relationship with such a person. Mocking anyone is never humorous, no matter how much the person doing it feels otherwise.

I should think most people in the restaurant were sympathizing with you rather than thinking you are a freak. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but if you carry shame about the CDing, it would be easy for you to read "horror" in their faces when in fact they might be embarrassed for your ex-fiancee's behavior. To the person who said, "Are you for real", I would have replied, with a smile, "Yes, I do it all the time, I especially enjoy the leather (or whatever)." And let her draw her own conclusions.

But, if anything like this ever happens again, if one of the girlfriends for example should ask you if it is true that you wear female clothing (which I doubt very much would ever happen), you could simply tell her that yes, you are transgendered. Chances are she would have a million questions and you could begin a discussion about it.

[RADER]

I think she did you a favor, You now know what she is realy like. I think the
outher GG's at the meet were just as suprized about her down grading of
you as you were. Acting like she did if spitefull, if not rude. I know it must
of been a real "joy" to stand thier, but the less said speaks volumns louder
than anything you could have said. I also agree, doin't awnser the calls;
after what she did to you, You doin't need her trying to get you again by
saying sorry. Yes, what go's arround come's arround, some day it will be
her turn, maybe not by you, but it will happen. Good Luck, Rader

[Glenda58]

I agreed don't let it get down. And if it happens again tell you would have wore the dress but it was to big in the butt for you or you don't like the sytle that looked to old maid looking for you.

It's happen to a lot of us with exes. Mine was to my kids they still love me 20 yrs later.

[Wen4cd]

What next? Nothing. Don't answer her calls. This wasn't about you and what you wear, it's about her and how petty she was.

[mskanuchi]

Had somethig similar happen to me back in 1995. I was getting sick of the people and the area I lived, so I moved on. Not long after I met my wife, and she has always accepted my choice to wear feminine things. Feel lucky you got out before any life-lasting events happened. - Loved that you had a new pair of shoes in the bag

[MJ]

forget about it. move on your better than that

[NatalieNC]

That's so very true. I AM glad that we broke it off before we were officially or legally anything. This is a side of her I had never seen and it made me realize, thinking about her tonight, that she is still hurting from our break up, and she lashed out. Yes it was cruel and lame, but in a way I understand it. Her last message she was bawling her eyes out and professed what an ass she was and she didn't know what she did what she did. And that she will understand if I never talk to her again. She also said that 4 people casme up to her in the restaurant after I walked out and told her basically, "shame on you!". And that I had no right to embarass you that way.....wow. You were right Reine, they were embarassed by her actions. That really puts allot of faith back in me about others......I will probably call her in a few days. Let it simmer a bit. I know she really feels awful about it. But I need a few days.

LMAO ! I LOVED the comment to tell her friends that I would have worn her dress but it was too big in the butt for me!!! LOL Oh wow. I really did not think I would be able to laugh tonight! You are all great! Just what I needed!!

[heatherdress]

Hi Natalie - Maybe you should feel lucky that she is your ex-girl friend. Hurting anyone, especially someone you care about, is cruel. I am sorry that this happened to you but just try and move on as rapidly as you can. You will most likely never hear from any of her friends. If you do, you do not have to explain anything. She betrayed you. No one has the right to share the intimacies of a private relationship. You did nothing wrong. You have nothing to regret except, perhaps, time lost in a past relationship and a few embarrasing moments. Don't think about what you should have said. Your silence was your best response. Move on and find a new girl friend. You deserve much better.

[mklinden2010]

Well, the first time is hard to handle...

"She screwed me over. It was unexpected. There was a public scene. I didn't know what to say. Why didn't I (fill in the blank).

Your reaction was pretty normal for that kind of trauma. And, from the sound of things, other people's reaction was all over the map - that's real life - half care, half don't.

She's mean/stupid/unskilled with people. Probably young and cute, but you're lucky - everyone ages, looks fade, but stupid is usually forever. She's at least a two-faced person and always will be. Know this and stay away from her. Perhaps it will help her to not do this kind of thing to anyone again.

Meanwhile, so, you wear clothes that women typically wear? What's the harm? Does it do YOU some good to wear them?

Next time say, "Yeah, I like the look and feel of dresses, big deal. So, sue me, I have a life."

Glad you got this behind you. Accentuate the positive things in life and move on.

Thanks for the post.

[Diane Elizabeth]

If her friends think about what she did to you, they might realize someday that she might do a similur stunt to them too. Be glad she is out of your life. Consider yourself blessed that she is an "ex". DyLen

[NatalieNC]

"....stupid is forever.." LOL How true is that?! Its starting to get comical, because now she is sounding 'desperate' on the phone. Like she's realized what as good friend I was and how she screwed me over and now she's panicking. Well stew in it a for awhile baby. Silence truly IS golden. It makes people crazy when you dont respond. It leaves you being the better person too. You will love this, she said on her last message (getting about one every half hour) "look, I will give you 3 of my best dresses if you will just talk to me!". OMG, is SHE for real?!!

[Kathi Lake]

Yikes!

I think you made the right choice in simply walking away. Chances are that she knows she is an ass because her friends told her as much, as well as others in the restaurant. Why the breakup happened, I don't know, but it seems good that it did as now you have seen her true colors.

I do have one question; you say that you are going to call her in a few days. Why, exactly? Knowing the kind of person she is, and the pain she can inflict, you are going to call her and smooth things over? Is this really the kind of person that you want in your life?

I say this because I was in a similar situation. Before I was due to go to Korea, I had a near-fiancée. She knew that I was going to be gone for a year and was dealing with it badly. She was a clothing designer and used to make clothes for me. She told many of our mutual friends that she was breaking up with me because she wanted to marry a man, not a woman. When I returned, I guess she had had a bit of a dry spell, because she said she was sorry, pushed me to the floor and nearly raped me - saying how sorry she was and that I was the best thing ever to, . . . blah, blah, blah. After I ushered her out the door, I told her that we were most emphatically over. I haven't spoken to her since. Do I miss her? Sure, at times. Do I need her in my life? Heck no.

I'm not saying that your situation is similar, but I would think seriously about letting this woman back into your life.

Kathi

[NatalieNC]

No , you are right Kathi. I have been going up and back with the idea of calling her and thinking, what in hell would I say anyway? If anything, I think I need to give it more time. Because right now, trying to picture her and I enjoying a meal like we do every now and then just isn't working in my head. Even if she was lashing out and regrets it now, it still says allot for her lack of respect for me. She must have given her friend (we'll call her Lola) my phone number in hopes she would help smooth things over between us. She left a message too, saying "I'm so sorry you were treated like that today, it was uncalled for and cruel. I just want you to know that we are on your side and we told "Linda" as much, which upset her a great deal". Now THAT was unexpected. Even her friends are angry with her. W O W.

This has made me realize just how easily it really is to over react. I mean, 5 hours ago I was feeling so low and so upset. And now I feel like I am on top of the world, and have all these new friends and support. Words cannot describe how grateful I am to you all.

[TxKimberly]

Y'all are probably getting sick of my bringing up my time in the military over and over, but they really taught you some awesome lessons that apply to every day life as well as the military. One of those lessons is that you can endure much more than you think you can. When things are terribly hard and difficult and your just sure you can't take it, you would sometimes be shocked to learn that you were wrong - you CAN take it, and you can keep moving forward.
Another lesson, related to that one, is that no matter how hard a task is, if you get it started and keep plugging away at it, you can get it done. Properly motivated , you CAN move a mountain with a teaspoon, it just might take a but of stubbornness and patience.

So the shame and embarrassment you feel, where your just sure you can't stand it? Suck it up and keep moving and you will get through it. Keep moving forward and you will get past this.

[Miranda09]

Wow Natalie. What kind of friend is that. Sounded like she was just waiting for the right moment to humiliate you. This is someone who has absolutely no respect for you. As bad as it was, I think you handled it very well, and with some dignity. I'd give her the cold shoulder for a long while. That was a childish thing for her to do.

[Andrea_1948]

Hi Natalie - It seems to me that you made exactly the correct move by simply walking away from the ugly situation. Letting her 'stew' for a while is an OK thing to do but I also think that, at some point, returning her call is also the correct thing to do. Yes, she hurt your feelings and you deserve to be disappointed in her but, she also hurt her own feelings as shown by her attempts to contact you to make amends. You can take the high road by letting her know you can forgive and forget. I agree with Kathi in thinking seriously about letting her back into your life any time soon, if at all. Your the person that walks away with dignity! Just my thoughts.

[sterling12]

I'd opt for, "don't waste your time ever speaking to her again." You did The Right Thing, you quietly walked away and kept your dignity. If you "allow" her to apologize, she will then tell her friends about that too. I have a feeling it's one of those little "manipulation games." "Lets just see how far I push you, and yet still pull you back to me." Some people love to play that game, check your memory and see if she's done it before.

Someone that nasty and vindictive doesn't deserve anything but your contempt. She revealed what was probably the most important secret of your life, and she did it just to be vindictive. and amuse her friends.

Surely you can find people in your life who are not that awful! Save your conversation and your love for them.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Alana Beaumont]

I think speaking to her is definitely a good idea. You need to explain to her just how badly she hurt your feelings and how humiliating it is to have such a personal secret blurted out (jokingly or otherwise) to people that do not have your permission to know. Also, ask yourself, before this happened, how strong was your friendship? I know she was once your fiance', but how strong was your friendship after the separation. Personally, I march my size 11's over to her house, make her feel as horrible as possible (try jewish guilt, it works) and leave the rest to her. If she's truly sorry, she'll let you know (unless she's a total bitch, of course!).
Best wishes,