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Thread: new insights.

  1. #1
    Member Sara82's Avatar
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    new insights.

    Hey everyone,

    So last night I was really starting to give some serious thought to my whole Crossdressing/Femulation situation. Due to certain circumstances, I happened to have had a completely clear head, not clouded by any personal desires and interests,but just a genuine examination of my life from an external perspective, stretching the last few months


    I first started feeling bad because I feel like recently I've been shoving it down my GFs throat with my latest "Coming out" and that I've been really selfish. The man that she thought she always knew has just made a complete 180 change, and nothing is stopping his progress towards some unknown final destination that not even I can determine.I feel that she would like some explanation of how far my needs will go, and how will it ultimately effect her life too. Questions like "Will this man be able to marry me, and have children with me?", "Will he be able to raise a child and be the strong father that the child will need?". Sadly I dont have the answers for this things, and that uncertainty is very scary for her. I've never really been certain about marriage and kids, and I know she wants it badly. And Despite everything you guys warned me about, I still ended up go ahead full force,with shopping,body grooming, and even some behavioral changes, which to say the least has caused quite a few issues, and almost made us split on several occasions.

    Not only did I contemplate how my dressing has had an impact on others, I started thinking about how it has had an impact on me. I feel becoming Julia is a partial escape from reality, and I enjoy it so much, that when returning from that reality and back in guy more, I still want present myself as more feminine, without the clothes on. And perhaps because of that, I started asking myself "Do I really want to become a woman?, or do I just enjoy pretending to be one so much, that I would consider mtf transitioning as the ultimate level "pretending to be woman". Basically thinking of it like the ultimate "costume", or the ultimate illusion.

    Despite feeling really bad about myself, I think I also realized that "This isn't going to go away either", meaning my crossdressing coupled with my desire to feel, act and be treated feminine is something I have to live with, and the repercussions it has on others is real, and something I need to take responsibility for. This last month I've been living in a the "fog" you could say, but with this moment of clarity I think I can finally see some light. I hope these new discoveries will guide towards a better and happier life.

    I know I have no real questions to ask of you all like I normally do, but I felt like sharing my thoughts you everyone, as I'm really happy I've found this forum.
    Last edited by Sara82; 09-18-2009 at 01:04 PM. Reason: grammar

  2. #2
    Hi Julia. I'm having a tough time analyzing this situation because in many ways I've gone/am going through it. I will closely watch this thread hun.



    Hugs,

    Monica.

  3. #3
    Gold Member sherri52's Avatar
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    Hi Julia: I'm glad your on the right track, I can only hope that you don't burn the wrong bridge on your journey. Good luck

  4. #4
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    Julia,

    I like your 'clarity' ---I feel the same way at times. But it still leaves you in a quandary like a lot of us.

  5. #5
    Member Sara82's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LisaM View Post
    Julia,

    I like your 'clarity' ---I feel the same way at times. But it still leaves you in a quandary like a lot of us.
    Lisa its very true, while I've gained some clarity, I still feel confused about so much. I hope this topic wasn't a sensitive area to explore. I know it sounds like I'm looking at crossdressing in a negative light, and may be insulting to others, but really my goal is just to talk about it, and get things off my chest.

    The one thing I do worry about is that I ask myself, "is crossdressing and being feminine truely an escape?". If true,then is it in and of itself unhealthy for me? If im truly running away from my duties as a male in this world, and the expectations that others have of me, than ultimately what am I to do?
    Last edited by Sara82; 09-18-2009 at 02:42 PM.

  6. #6
    Gender Variant Badger PaulaJaneThomas's Avatar
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    Better to explore and find your true place on the gender spectrum now without the straight-jacket of marriage.
    Best Wishes

    Paula

    Warning: This product may contain Badger
    Every girl crazy 'bout a sharp-dressed Badger.

    "Does Magna Carta mean nothing to you? Did she die in vain?"
    - Tony Hancock

  7. #7
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    Hi Julia

    You have been going through an experience I believe that most of the people with this group can relate to. You must realise by now that you are a unique and special person like most of us and are not of the mainstream. You are young and growing and coming to terms with your feelings and desires. Only you can decide how best to fulfill these needs. When another person comes into your life and shares love and life with you, lots of questions and concerns come to mind. I believe the best path to follow is the one that is guided by your logic, and common sense and inspired by your love for yourself and those who are near to you which comes from inside your conscience, heart, and/or soul. When there is this sense of harmony , that is your destiny. Everything that is outside of your circle of loved ones is not as important. What is important is that you follow these goals, prioritize these essentials and when you have met someone that you want to couple up with, you need to be honest with yourself and that person by expressing these needs so that they can realize, understand, and hopefully support and nurture your needs as well as you should to their's. Wearing women's clothing is the foundation of commoness that we all share with this group but we all have different and changing needs in our feminization. Obviously when we are searching for a mate, this behaviour is going to narrow the potential numbers of candidates who will want to live with us just as alot of other humanistic traits will narrow down who wants us but also who we think is suitable for us. I believe we are gifted and special and when we find someone who appreciates us for who we are then our love together is without reserve or guilt. Regardless of who we are, everyone has essential needs and desires that cannot be compromised. Hang on to them and when you find a potential mate in your sights you both should communicate openly and freely about these essentials early in your relationship before the passion part of love overwhelms and stifles these separate needs and then you both later face the potential consequences of deceitful love. This website has made me realise that there are many other people, wonderful people out there who share this essential that I have in my life. I also know that there are women out there who are open minded enough to appreciate who we are inside underneath our "window dressing" and who don't "judge a book by its cover". Live the life you need to live in peace and love and I hope your friend will appreciate all the unique gifts and qualities that you have. All the best to you.
    Cheers! Chris

  8. #8
    Cathy Stephens Cathytg's Avatar
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    Julia, you said: I feel becoming Julia is a partial escape from reality, and I enjoy it so much, that when returning from that reality and back in guy more, I still want present myself as more feminine, without the clothes on. "

    Don't you think that Julia is at least a part of your reality rather than being an escape from it? If your dressing is an expression of your gender, the you need to embrace it; do not try to reject it. You can not truly deny such a large of part of who you are. To deny it would truly be an escape from reality.

    If you are TG, as most of us are, please celebrate that as well as celebrate the rest of you.
    TG is who I am; CD is something I do.

    My CD Blog Site

  9. #9
    Dancing in the moonlight Midnight Skye's Avatar
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    Hi Julia,

    I've been going through what you're describing for the last year and a half. And safe to say its been a rough trip and certainly isn't over yet. My sudden deep exploration and expression of my cross dressing revealed many scary and frighting thoughts. Personally I found I'm much more feminine... and always have been. I just rejected and repressed all of those feminine feelings and expressions at the requests of others. Also the more I dressed, the more I wanted and needed.

    I've since taken a "break" from dressing to try and touch ground with myself and my relationship with my wife. I have found, I'm moving in a different direction than either of us expected when we married. It has been very hard for the both of us. My biggest difficulty is while I've effectively stopped myself from expressing any of my dressing or femininity, it doesn't fix anything for either of us. I can't go anywhere or do anything without feeling like I'm hiding myself away.

    I'll be seeing a therapist soon, but I'm seriously considering I may be happier living transgendered openly. Otherwise I've got to find some kind of balancing point between my feminine desires and needs and my "male" obligations.

    Hopefully you'll be able to find your path Julia. Its a very rough emotional train to go through. And the last place you stop can be many different places. The best answer is different for each of us, and regardless of the decision you make it will be rough in different ways. I hope you and your girlfriend can find someplace in between where you're both happy. Or she can swing your direction honestly and openly.
    Last edited by Midnight Skye; 09-18-2009 at 03:56 PM.
    Have fun and enjoy life.
    Skye

  10. #10
    Member Sara82's Avatar
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    Well I had written out a very well thought out response, to all your comments ladies, but I unfortunately took to long, the page timed out, and I lost everything I had written. I was really upset about it, and I couldn't go threw with writing it all again. But I did start writing more of my thoughts down in a journal, and some things I would like to share with. But before I do that, thank you so much for your heartfelt replies, it has really been helpful for me.

    THOUGHTS:

    So here I am today, with one foot out of the closet, but still very afraid to make a complete step. I still don't know where this is going, or what I truely want from it. What I do know is this:

    1. I've realized now that its not about just the clothes, but more about the feelings that the clothes bring to me now when Im in girls clothes. Because I know that clothing is a form of expression of ones identity, feelings, and beliefs, it makes perfects sense that Woman's clothes allow me to express part of my gender identity.

    2.I don't have the courage now to socialize in woman's clothing, and I haven't attempted to come out to anyone else close to me. Having gone through multiple phases of trying to fit into a numerous social cliques, and having multiple identity crisis, I feel that dressing in woman's clothes has been the only identity choice that I've ever made that doesn't feel forced, brought on due to some external influence, lead by a desire to fit in, or to feel a sense of belonging. It's purely about me, how I feel, and how gives me a sense of completeness. The womans clothes are a gateway in which all of my feminine characteristics can flow through me naturally.

    3. Wearing women's clothing is not an escape from my obligations as a genetic male in this world. I have no obligation to anyone when it comes to expressing how I feel and my identity. My feminine characteristics have been lying dormant, and allowing those to be released, is not an escape, but rather holding them in was doing more harm than letting them out.

    4. I ask myself if I'm truly a woman, stuck in a mans body, and I don't have the answer for that, but I can safely say that the idea of transitioning from male-to-female does not scare me, does not repulse me, and doesn't seem wrong. Its only everything that I would have to deal with by making that decision, that scares me.

    5. I dont want to live two separate lifes, or keep two separate identities. I feel all my feminine characteristics make up who I am, and do not make up a separate personality. If I don't ever consider the transitioning from male-to-female, I obviously don't want to be the bearded man who wears dresses either, so a balance must be found with my dressing, where I can still express how I feel, function in society and not standout as an eyesore in public.

    thank you again for listening and offering advice!!
    Last edited by Sara82; 09-19-2009 at 06:16 PM.

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