Hey everyone,
So last night I was really starting to give some serious thought to my whole Crossdressing/Femulation situation. Due to certain circumstances, I happened to have had a completely clear head, not clouded by any personal desires and interests,but just a genuine examination of my life from an external perspective, stretching the last few months
I first started feeling bad because I feel like recently I've been shoving it down my GFs throat with my latest "Coming out" and that I've been really selfish. The man that she thought she always knew has just made a complete 180 change, and nothing is stopping his progress towards some unknown final destination that not even I can determine.I feel that she would like some explanation of how far my needs will go, and how will it ultimately effect her life too. Questions like "Will this man be able to marry me, and have children with me?", "Will he be able to raise a child and be the strong father that the child will need?". Sadly I dont have the answers for this things, and that uncertainty is very scary for her. I've never really been certain about marriage and kids, and I know she wants it badly. And Despite everything you guys warned me about, I still ended up go ahead full force,with shopping,body grooming, and even some behavioral changes, which to say the least has caused quite a few issues, and almost made us split on several occasions.
Not only did I contemplate how my dressing has had an impact on others, I started thinking about how it has had an impact on me. I feel becoming Julia is a partial escape from reality, and I enjoy it so much, that when returning from that reality and back in guy more, I still want present myself as more feminine, without the clothes on. And perhaps because of that, I started asking myself "Do I really want to become a woman?, or do I just enjoy pretending to be one so much, that I would consider mtf transitioning as the ultimate level "pretending to be woman". Basically thinking of it like the ultimate "costume", or the ultimate illusion.
Despite feeling really bad about myself, I think I also realized that "This isn't going to go away either", meaning my crossdressing coupled with my desire to feel, act and be treated feminine is something I have to live with, and the repercussions it has on others is real, and something I need to take responsibility for. This last month I've been living in a the "fog" you could say, but with this moment of clarity I think I can finally see some light. I hope these new discoveries will guide towards a better and happier life.
I know I have no real questions to ask of you all like I normally do, but I felt like sharing my thoughts you everyone, as I'm really happy I've found this forum.