Struggling to accept crossdressing

[woc]

I have been cross dressing since 12 and I am only 18 now. When I first started, I felt a kind a perverse thrill, and yet there was this guiltiness and disgust tugging on my conscience, begging myself to stop what I was doing because I was ultimately male and what I was doing would be a terrible shock to my sisters and mother should they ever find out. However, as the years passed, I find myself more and more compelled to crossdress, and desensitized towards how my family would feel if they knew what I was doing.

A lot of you have already settled in your identity as a cross dresser, especially the older adults, however I am still struggling with this “identity”/”condition”. I never really put a name to my “identity”/”condition” until I did a thorough web search a few months back. At first, what I dug up was “transvestic fetishism”, which totally scared me because I never thought of myself as a transvestite and in fact, feel a certain degree of distaste towards transvestites. Most of my searches turned up medical reports and research papers, which viewed cross dressing from a rather detached and objective viewpoint, emphasising that it was a sexual disorder that had no cure. I didn’t want that sort of perspective, I needed personal anecdotes from actual crossdressers, I needed some form of compassion and empathy, and most of all I needed advice. When I discovered Dixie’s website, I felt like I had uncovered a windfall of information that was actually useful, I realised that there were actually people out there who had to same “identity”/”condition” whom I could talk to.

I was wondering if any of you could share your own experiences of struggling with deal with your cross dressing compulsion when you were younger. I know many think that cross dressing is an identity however, at this age, I am not prepared to accept that I will be cross dressing my entire life and would like to fight against it. Could any of you give me anecdotes and advice?
Thank you.

[Tina2]

I've been fighting my desires to crossdress for over twenty years and only recently decided to accept it (I started around age 12 too). Trying to deny it doesn't make it go away. I've only just decided to embrace it so I don't know where that is leading.

What would I tell my 18 year old self? (I can't guarantee that these apply to you)

- It is okay.
- It doesn't mean you are gay.
-It doesn't mean you want to undergo a sex change.
- Looking at a woman and feeling both attraction and something akin to jealously at the same time is tremendously confusing. The two are tied up together and repressing one tends to interfere with the other.
- There are women who are into this. There are women out there who will love and accept and not see you as a freak.
- Don't be afraid of shopping. Money speaks louder than social taboo. Most stores couldn't care less. Buy and wear what makes you happy.
- Seriously, clothes? It is a fabricated social norm. Wear what makes you happy (within the bounds you are willing to socially).
- If you are in college, try to get a solo room in a coed dorm. Maybe play the transgender card at the school counselor if you have problems (I think that card is a lot stronger today that it was when I was 18).
- There are a lot of fetishes that branch off from crossdressing. If you are repressing, you may be making yourself open to some of the fetishes because it provides a way to bypass your "guilt and disgust".

Resources like this didn't exist when I was 18. In many ways you are already way ahead of me.

[Cheshire Gummi]

Let's see...

First off, I don't think you're becoming "desensitized," I think you're just subconsciously getting more and more comfortable with your perceptions of yourself and less and less interested in the consequences of denying that person. Desensitization connotes that you're getting used to something immoral or dangerous. Cross-dressing is neither.

Secondly, "transvestism" has come to mean the sexually driven urge to dress and behave as the opposite gender, but it's initial meaning was a blanket term for all of us. Break down the word. Trans- across, vest- clothing. Cross-dressing. I once considered myself to be a transvestite, but labels are so convoluted. Just call yourself what you are; a person.

Furthermore, you're not going to find many guys and gals on here who consider themselves to be suffering from anything, so the word "Condition" is out. Call it a state of being, call it a perception, call it a gift, call it a difference, but don't call it a disease. That helps nothing and it only perpetuates unnecessary guilt; the kind you seem to be suffering from.

Ultimately, honey, you seem to know who you are, you're just suffering from a tremendous strain on your conscious from that old world finger wag. My best suggestion to you is to keep yourself, literally. Keep your identity. Don't let anyone take that away from you, because you can lose many things, but that's one thing that, for certain, only you can give away.

Finally, provided this will eventually all just degenerates into noise or arguments, on behalf of the only person I can speak for (myself), I accept you.

Feel free to contact me if you want to. If not, be safe. That's all most of us can do right now, so be very good at it.

[Amyy]

Wow. I'm 18 too and that is exactly the same as how I feel.
Sadly I don't have any answers for you though.

I have issues with myself dressing and the consequences of my family finding out.
This has caused me to purge multiple times, but crossdressing never left my mind and it was only a couple of months before i would have bought something again.

So, sorry no answers, but you know someone else is in exactly the same position as you.

Amyy

[kimkat]

Resources like this didn't exist when I was 18. In many ways you are already way ahead of me

I would have to agree. I am now in my 40's and wishing I could turn back the clock and change some of the decisions I had made about cross dressing. The most important one: talking to someone about it. You are still young and the future is yours. Take advantage of all the resources that are available to you now. There are professional councilers and message boards such as this one who understand where you are coming from. Most important piece of advice I can give to someone is "be true to yourself".

Always remember that you are not alone. Good luck to you.

Kim

[Tina2]

The most important one: talking to someone about it.

OMG, Yes!

I was caught a few times growing up. The reaction from my family was to pretend it never happened. There was no talking about it. I am sure that is one of the things made me try to bury my desires to crossdress.

I've wondered if there is some sort of confirmation bias going on about fighting or curing CD. The ones who are successful are not going to end up here to talk about their experiences. Based on my experience, the sooner you embrace it, the happier you will be. But then, I may be wrong about that. Maybe you will be able to fight it successfully. I just hope you will be able to recognize if fighting is futile in a shorter amount of time than I did.

[Shari]

Transvestic fetishism is a term used by those who have never had the desire or never known the joy of being dressed and feeling like a female. It's true meaning is sexual release.
It's nothing more than a label, a categorization of a not so mainstream and for lack of a better word, a compulsion that we all share here.
It's so much more. it's a need that we must fulfill.
Everything and everybody is labeled something these days. As much as equality is preached, there still exist many prejudices.

It took me years to finally accept that I really wasn't that off center and to realize the fact that this was part of me, and innate part of me. It's part of my whole being, the self that exists on this planet and in this society.

You're okay.
You're really okay.
We all are.

[Lee Andrews]

This whole cross dressing thing is not an easy thing to get a handle on and at 40 I still don't understand it completely. One thing I do know is you have a leg up on people my age just because of the internet. At your age I thought I was the only one in the world until I started researching this on the net in my late 20's. It was a huge relief knowing I was not alone and there were others in the same situation as me. I wasn't a freak of nature that thought I was for all those years.

As for quitting, everyone is different but most try and don't succeed. Personally I have stopped for various reasons over the years for up to a year at a time. For me something will trigger the urge and that is all I can think about 24\7 till I put something on. Now I go in cycles depending on what life brings my way, sometimes I am able to dress often or go for months without anything.

I also told my wife 20 years ago before we were married, about it. Cross dressing is hard enough to deal with on it's own but hiding it from the one you love makes it even harder on you. I am lucky, she tolerates it to varying degrees from day to day, month to month.

Just remember you are not a freak, you have access to a lot of information these days. So keep exploring until you find a comfortable place in your mind for this wonderful thing we call cross dressing.

[Jan Michell Collins]

I can't say it any better that whats been said here!!! You are still young seek some help if you think you need it but it's all good.A good therapist will help tremindusly I'm 48yo cd been that way sence I was 9 or 10. Plus you have this place to ask any question that you want. If you don't want it out in the open you can PM some one if you want to.
Good luck on your journey
Jan

[sarahNZ]

I know many think that cross dressing is an identity however, at this age, I am not prepared to accept that I will be cross dressing my entire life and would like to fight against it. Could any of you give me anecdotes and advice?
Thank you.

the only advice I can give is to not fight it... hard I know, but I and many others have learned the hard way that this will never go away!

I am 31 and have been dressing since I was very young (etc etc) but it was not untill recently when I had truely accepted that this is who I am (I have even made the odd trip to town to go shopping and all the works) that I have learned that I can go without now... or at the very least I have learned that I don't have to dress for no real occasion if you get my meaning.

I have found that the more I try to fight the urges the harder they hit, but if I accept myself and are truely happy in my own person then I can controle them.

Not what you wanted to hear I'm sure but... its all I got!

good luck with your journey.

[Ms Mira]

I am in a similar position, as a young CD / TV trying to figure it all out. Actually, I haven't discovered too many new answers from when I was 18 to my age of 26 now, though I have come to accept my CD'ing more.

At some point, I think you just have to acknowledge to yourself that it is something that you want to do, and that it is something that will add to your happiness and experiences in life, if you let it instead of fighting it. You can decide not to dress, but you can't really will the thoughts away. I don't think you'll ever come to a conclusion as to why you like dressing, but if the fact is that you like to dress up, then, especially as a young person, you should experiment instead of trying to stifle it... It will help in your personal development, and give you a more experienced perspective on things.

Like many things in life, it's better not to wallow in the negative feelings, and just explore.

[Faith_G]

I've been where you are now, and it's not a happy place. What you have to realize is that your negative feelings about crossdressing and transvestites are there because of society and your upbringing, not because crossdressing and transvestites are bad. It's all crap that's been programmed into you for years, but it's not right.

Since you want to fight it, what you need to be careful of more than anything right now is redirecting the harmless desire to crossdress into damaging and unhealthy channels. Like I said, I've been where you are. My desire to redirect from crossdressing led into an online porn addiction and overeating. I was still a miserable person because I wasn't doing what I really needed to do. And talk about self-loathing! Now I wasn't just a crossdressing pervert, I was a fat crossdressing porno addict. By doing anything that helped me suppress the urge to crossdress, I wound up with more problems than I had before. So be very careful in how you choose to mask or redirect your desires, it's very easy to wind up with a bad addiction instead of an expanded wardrobe.

Honestly I don't think you have much chance of quitting, I think your energy is better spent working towards self acceptance. The self-loathing you feel is not unusual (had lots of it myself) but it's not healthy. I think what will help more than anything is telling your family once you have gained a healthy level of self acceptance. It helped me a lot even though not everyone was accepting. Acceptance from people you love reinforces your own acceptance and things get a lot better.

[carrie-ann]

I'm 51 amost. I've been cding since 12/13. I went full time 5 weeks ago thats the only place I'm happy, but thats me. When I was younger people would tell me I was different but would not say how. I didn't know how either. I was jealous of the girls in school with there cloths and in the kitchen cooking were I should have been. All you can do is talk with people that work with transgenderd people like us here. There is some much support out here now. It's still hard that is what you will have to learn to accept.

[Jonianne]

Welcome to the forum WOC!

Oh yes, I definatly remember going through the same thing at your age. Like someone else mentioned, you have the advantage of the internet to look for answers and to actually talk to others who are not the societial steretype, than when I was 18. I'm in my 50's and I started at age 8. I fought it mostly all those years until around my mid-thirties when I was in counseling. For me it was such a relief to finally accept and be OK with myself as a crossdresser. There is nothing wrong with being one. Enjoying wearing women's cloths is not a bad, immoral or illegal behaviour. There will be others who frown on it, but it's more accepted nowadays than before.

Once I accepted myself, the next thing I had to do was figure out what boundries I wanted to stay within, due to my wife and children and other family and friends. Church and spirituality is important to me so for the sake of those who I am in relationship with, I choose to keep it within certain boundries. We each have to find what works for us.

For me, I found that it is so much easier to keep to certain boundries than to fight against something that is so much a part of who I am. We have to keep a balance in our lives anyway to remain healthy in body mind and spirit, crossdressing is just one of that multitude of areas.

As was previously mentioned, finding a non-judgemental someone to talk to is important to find a place in your being of self-acceptance, especially when that hasn't been there for years. The more you feel acceptance from others, the more it will seep into your heart.

There are those who have stopped crossdressing, but usually it's for spirtitual reasons and I think some of the ones who have given it up, treat it like someone who may go into the priesthood and chooses to never marry. The feelings will never go away, they just choose not to participate. For me, I prefer to remain married and keep a balance in my life.

[Ediosa]

I started when I was 5. Got caught by dad, but he didn't say anything about it. Just told me to take the dress off. I also was wearing clothes on and off during my preteen years. It wasn't until I hit puberty when it started to hit a little harder. That was when I started going thru my sisters clothes and really trying things on. As, probably you know, it was a sexual high. That's was when I thought it was bad, cause I didn't know why. Basically, every weekend I would wear something, and after the relief always felt bad. I also thought I was a freak but deep down inside, I kept doing it. It was when I was 18 and in college when I thought that since I liked it and enjoyed it, then it shouldn't be anything bad or wrong. I wasn't hurting anyone and it was just clothes. Not only that, I was wearing the hose/panties under my pants to make sure I was getting over the arousal phase. I never purged, but I didn't have that much clothes. Never the makeup, wigs or forms, just a dress here with heels and that was it. I finally decided it was no big deal, when I saw some of the people in college wearing women's clothes like there was no big deal. Took major guts for those to do it, but I didn't have it then. When I joined the military, I had to hide my dressing as much as I can but I still did it. I really didn't think it was that wrong, but had no idea whether I was right or wrong. Eventually I looked in the internet and found out that it wasn't that big of a deal and that a lot of people just don't care anymore. That's why I have a full wardrobe and go out whenever I want.

My advice to you will be to study up on it, take your time, and know that there is nothing wrong with you. We are special people and eventually you will learn to accept yourself. Once that comes, a huge boulder will be lifted from you and your happiness will increase 10 fold, plus, when that happens people around you will come around and accept you.

Plus, what Tina2 said.



Elizabeth

[CLARRISA]

I was exactly the same as you at 18..It started at 12 for me too..I felt like i was the biggest Pervert walking the Gods earth, the guilt would eat me up rotten, So much so it affected my social skills development....Like others have said here...you're very fortunate to be young in these times of the Internet..there are limitless resources and help out there now.....I understand the struggle....i believed that being like this meant i was a bad person...a deviant..a sex pervert....and when people say "Accept yourself"..my brain tends to say "How can i accept, that i'm a pervert, i want people to think i'm a nice decent upstanding law abiding Man...not as a wierdo deviant"...i liken it to when Darth Vader tries to seduce Luke to the Dark Side....Anyway, for me now..the struggles over..i have accepted...not because i've accepted "BEING A PERVERT"...i've accepted it because it is part of who i am...its what makes me feel Well.....i proved it just recently....i'd stopped doing it for 5 wks..went on holiday..came home...i had a bit of a cough...i was feeling extremly lethargic...tiredness i couldn't shake...no matter how much coffee, sleep....but the second i decided to transform back to Clarissa....Wham...Energy...Motivation...Happyines s..joy.....all back in an instant i suddenly felt alive....call it hormones, endorphines whatever..all i know is i felt better...to me thats confirmation...its part of me..its in my brain chemistry...i have to do it to feel good...so forget the guilt, my reasons for doing this are Justified..trying to be "Normal" is the disease...So if you feel the need to do do it....just do it.....I know at the same time you want to still be attractive to the ladies...thats part of the juggling act...it can get a bit wearing (no pun intended) at times but you soon work your timetable..

All the best

Clarissa x

[woc]

Thanks for all the replies and sincere advice! I’m really glad I found this forum, as well as the answers to many of the questions that have burdened me for years.

It has been very frustrating for me to be unable to share my deepest concerns about my identity with the people I love—mum, dad, best friends, girlfriend... I know they care for me, and want to understand and help me, however, I also know that there’s only a slim chance they would be able to accept me. Conversations always go something like this. “Mum, I’m depressed”… “About?”…”Oh, you wouldn’t understand”, “What is it? Tell me”…”Forget it”. And I get this shiver down my spine every time my father glares at some guy in a pink shirt and mutters “transvestite!” under his breath, utterly unaware that his son’s secret fetish. Here’s my question. How many of you actually told your family and friends about your CDing voluntarily instead of being discovered? Is it possible to always keep it a secret, if you know that your family would never accept it?

[Paula TV]

It was a little scary and bewildering at first, i but i surprisingly got over it very well and accepted within first year, but you the odd fixation about what your true identity is, but this is mostly when i am aroused rather than feeling that way. maybe as i never did as a kid. I don't have a problem with it in my life, it's just other people that have, and i know it, so don't or won't tell anyone close to me. I don't mind the term Transvestic fetishism, i see it as more of a feeling when i do dress up rather than arousal.

[TGMarla]

Hi whoever you are. I started at age 12, just like you. I remember wondering if I'd ever "outgrow" this peculiar affectation, but here I sit, at age 49, wearing a pretty dress and heels, answering your post. I remember always counting the years as they flew by. I remember when I turned 25, thinking to myself that I had now spent more than half my life crossdressing. I went through a few (very few) purges, and still, the inclination to wear women's clothing (and more) never left me.

I came to the conclusion that being at war with myself over it was kind of ridiculous. Why fight with yourself if it's a war you're never going to win? Why not, I thought, accept it and attempt to gain some kind of control over it? Once I did this, I gained a peace of mind that I'd never experienced until then.

I struggled with thoughts of transexuality. I still think that had life laid itself out for me just a bit differently than it had, I might well have gone ahead and had a sex-change. I still wish I were female every day, but I came to accept that this is not going to happen. This allowed me to focus more on being a good husband for my wife rather than being consumed all the time with a sexuality that was not going to ever be mine.

All in all, it was a tough row to hoe, and I did not have the benefit of the internet to help me through it. I'm glad you do, and that you are able to reach out at a young age in order to get the support you need to come to grips with this. Don't frown upon yourself over this; it's not worth it. Accept your quirks, and it will help you to be more tolerant of others while you're at it.

Good luck with it all. Remember that you have friends even when you don't really know them all that well.

[Jonianne]

I pretty much told everyone important to me after my ex threatened to out me to everyone. As it turned out, I never lost a single friend. A few even felt safe enough to share some deep secret they had been holding in, after I told them. Now I was very discrete to whom I told. Like in the military, you share some secerts only with those who have a "need to know".

I hope you do find someone you feel safe to talk to. I kept it a secret for my first 23 years and never told anyone. It just ate me up alive though.

Otherwise, how well do you get along with your parents, especially your mom?

Just hang around on the site and get to know others and their experiences. You will gain confidence in yourself. Maybe there is a local support group you could attend.

[Marcia Blue]

[SIZE="3"]I started exploring my feminine side at the tender age of 5 or 6. In the real early years, I felt no guilt or remorse, even though I felt I needed to keep it private. My dressing progressed as I had the opportunity and time. Guilt and anxiety developed over CDing in my teen years. I knew I could not be the only one who was like this, but knew of no one else who dressed. Much later in life, with the help of the Internet, I learned I was truly not alone in my desires. I am finally more in touch with my feelings and feminine self. I still do not understand what brought me where I am, but have learned to enjoy who I am, and no longer feel the guilt or anxiety about what clothes I wear. This has been a long, bumpy journey over 4 decades, to get me where I am now. I hope that lifes path is smoother for you, but hang-on for the ride. Remember "You are not alone", in this journey.[/SIZE]

[chrissie-h]

I'm afraid it's not going to go away, and it's not going to get any easier. The more open you can be with yourself, and the people who are close to you, the better things will be in the long run.

I get the impression that the younger generation are more open than the older, so I'd be inclined to share with your own generation first before your parents. What does your girlfriend think about crossdressing? Have you asked her? Take it very gently. If she asks a direct question back, be honest. But otherwise don't say anything until you are sure of her thoughts on the matter. Thinking back to my youth, you're young and everything is new. You could legitimately ask her what it's like to wear tights/pantyhose, heels, skirts, etc. because it's something boys can't normally wear. See how she reacts to your questions. If she does ask you why you're asking, say what I've just said. There's nothing wrong in being inquisitive. If you go shopping the following weekend and she suddenly takes a great interest in browsing the tights/pantyhose section of a department store, you could ask her what she would think if she got a pair for you to try out!

This is not going to help your situation, but - as an aside - it always fascinates me how society's view of what is feminine and masculine can change so quickly. If your dad thinks a guy wearing a pink shirt is a transvestite, you should remind him that in America and Europe in the 19th century and up to the 1st World War pink was considered a boy's colour and blue a girl's colour. See how he reacts!

[Marcy_in_hose]

I have just recently realized that I am a crossdresser(like others here, I was doing it before I really knew that was what I was doing). I was caught in pantyhose and skirts a few times from ages 6 to 8. I really didn't do it through my teens but started being interested in women's clothing again around my mid 20's(I'm 27 now).

I found this website about 4 months ago and am glad I did. Knowing there are others out there like me really took a lot of the weight off my shoulders. Ultimately it comes down to being happy. If crossdressing makes you happy, then do it. If you suppress it it will cause problems in other areas of your life. I happen to be one of the lucky people who has a girlfriend who accepts it and that helps me out a lot too. There are women who accept and like the aspect of dating a crossdresser.

Everyone's situation is different, but we all share a common thread. Just don't forget there are people who can understand

[mklinden2010]

>>I was wondering if any of you could share your own experiences of struggling with deal with your cross dressing compulsion when you were younger. I know many think that cross dressing is an identity however, at this age, I am not prepared to accept that I will be cross dressing my entire life and would like to fight against it. Could any of you give me anecdotes and advice?

Struggle?

Well, like anyone engaged in this (one of many things that allegedly can cause premature blindness) I did what I thought it was safe to do until I needed glasses...

And, when I got the glasses, I realized that if I could get one set and pay for them, I could get another and pay for them too.

Problem? What problem?

Growing up to be happy is growing up so that you wind up being the person you want to be. Some people aspire to be on the High School football team, and they coast the rest of their lives on that. Others want to be Air Conditioning repairmen so they can buy a boat, drink beer, and jet around scaring fish. Me, I wanted all that and to find a skirt that fit properly and shoes that went with the skirt, etc. So, sue me - I have a life!

Living at home with parents and brother and sisters is just practice for the other people you'll run into in life. Your Dad mutters about "trannies"? Ask him to go say it to the tranny - he probably won't. And, if he does, he might get, "Dickhead!" in return. So much for that... Turns out he doesn't have superpowers.

Look, if you like what you do, pay attention to what you can and can't do and manage your life so you can be you. CDing is not harmful unless you make it a problem for yourself - it's not them, they don't even know about it. And, if they find out, you can say, "Yeah, I kinda like it. And, it doesn't cost any more than Playboy magazines, you know. I didn't tell you about it, because I didn't think you wanted to know my business."

On the other hand, you wrote about being depressed and not being able to talk about it. So, try this:

"Gee. I feel like pond scum because I kinda like doing the dirty deed and I think you guys would not like me and might beat me up and throw me out of the house. I just like it. I know it's not the solution to life's problems... It's just something I like to do sometimes and I feel bad because... Well, I guess I'm not perfect... And, I feel like I'm letting you guys down because I'm not. I like this and it seems a little weird to me, but it seems like I'm just this way. So, are you gonna yell at me now and make me leave home? It's not your fault and it's not your problem, but I could stand some help if this is the way I am. I'll shut up now so you can give me a hard time. I know it's a big deal and all. So, go ahead, tell me what it is I'm supposed to do about being me - which is kinda sucking right now."

Asking for help is different from just dumping a problem on them.

Odds are good you'll work out at least a truce on the matter.

What can they do?

You're their kid.

You're their kid needing some help being a kid, and growing up to be a happy, living person.

Good thinking and good luck.

[joandher]

Hi Like you I started when I was about 5 I knew that I was different to the other lads but had to bluff my way through life them days there was no internet or anybody you could trust if I had told anyone I would have been branded a freak , I would have been sent to an institution where they would treat you with electric shocks ,then brand you a pervert as it was illegal to cross-dress I could have been imprisoned and all sorts of horrid things.so I had to keep it to myself for over 50 years not being able to discuss it with anybody,or let anybody find out

You are very lucky ,this day and age we have the internet with sites like this one,local groups to go to that will help ,and above all people these days are far more acceptable and understanding

I believe that about 1 in 10 of the world population of males cross dress its a wonderful gift that you have embrace it and enjoy,it as we have but a short time on this earth
I am a 63 yr old heterosexual male and love every new day



J-JAY