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Thread: Very worried

  1. #1
    Just a girl at heart too Kerigirl2009's Avatar
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    Very worried

    Hello everyone-
    I have been on this site for about 2 months and had just told my wife about my crossdressing about a month earlier. Before I told her we where very much in Love and happily married.
    Now we are still together but I am very worried that our life together is ending. I understand that everyone says to take it slow, even I preach that. However no matter what I do I seem to be doing it wrong. My wife has lost all TRUST and I believe she is thinking about divorce. I think that I have been very honest with her our entire marriage exept for revealing my CD secret. (yes this was a mistake made out of fear) But she just doesnt see me the same as she once did. She doesnt trust me at all HOW DO I GET THAT BACK? She says I am being defensive but I am trying not to be, I am trying to be OPEN with my wife as well as myself.
    I have been going to a therapist and she was advised that it would be a good idea for her too. yet she has not made an appt. I have told her everything that I can recall from my sessions, even if it is scary, cuz if I try to omit something for her protection Then I am not being honest with her. I am being honest. however Now that she knows my secret, she won't give me a chance to show her I am being honest with her. Example I locked my keypads on my phone because I am now carring it my manbag without a case. There is no password to input just push ALT * and send. So she assumed that I am hiding something from her. I am not, the phone just keeps hitting buttons and I dont want it too dial out on accident. So i showed her but apparently I was too defensive, not my intention but I guess I was.
    So my question is what do I do to be honest, tell her everything no matter what OR skirt around some things that I believe will alienate myself to her even more? My goal is to keep my family and somehow show my wife that their is hope for us, eventhough I enjoy presenting myself as a woman now and then. looking for your two cents worth. Thanks, Keri

  2. #2
    Chaos is a friend of mine April Renee's Avatar
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    Keri,
    You don't really explain what issues you are "skirting around". Are these things you have covered in therapy? I went through the same thing with my wife 7 years ago and we did split up for a while, but that time apart gave us the chance to let our feelings about each other heal and see that we still "needed each other". I'm not sure about your whole situation but I'd say that you may still have ground to cover with the therapist and let your wife find her way in her time.

    Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

    April .
    Last edited by April Renee; 09-20-2009 at 01:54 PM.

  3. #3
    Silver Member Jonianne's Avatar
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    You and she are going through a hard time right now as she needs to sort things out in her own mind. She needs to talk and it would be good if she could talk to some of the SO's here as well.

    Keep trying to talk to her about it and let her know you will always be the same man she married and had children with, if that is your intention. You just have a need to express a feminine side of yourself. Tell her you want to work with her on boundries and groundrules so that both of you can have a safe place to operate/play in. Most of all accept whatever acceptance she can give. If it's just being OK with you without seeing or participating, let that be OK with you. If she is willing to do more in time, ie buy you stuff, then thank her and don't push too far.

    One reason my first marriage went sour was when she sort-of accepted when we first were married, but in the pink fog of having someone I thought was accepting, I went further than she was comfortable and back in the closet I went. The marriage ended later.

    I wish you the best and keep loving her and communicating.
    Joni

    "Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free" Bob Dylan

  4. #4
    Just a girl at heart too Kerigirl2009's Avatar
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    Ok issues that I have thought about omitting- Desires, thoughts, reasons, I have said if I could dress more often I would, Said that yes I have had thoughts of being a woman, just thoughts. How I enjoy some female activities, would rather be around women. If I could dress complete en femme I would, Go out as Keri, My need to know what a woman experiences. These are all things that I have told my wife but It seems to build a bigger wall than taking it down a brick at a time. My thought here is I have had my entire life to learn about this, my wife only about three months and some of this info might be better to wait to discuss with her as she becomes more trusting of me and maybe just maybe some understanding and accepting.

  5. #5
    ADMINISTRATOR Sandra's Avatar
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    It can take a long time for trust to be gained back again. For us it took my SO nearly a year for her to trust me fully again, but we got there by being honest and talking to each other, so 3 months is not really that long.

    Don't give up, ask her to sit down and have a chat about everything and ask her if she wants any groundrules/boundaries set. Be as honest as you can with her because if you don't and she then finds some other things then it could turn nasty.
    Sandra
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  6. #6
    Junior Member chrissie-h's Avatar
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    Keri, You're doing the right thing, but please make sure your desire to be completely open and honest with your wife doesn't become a subtle excuse to let your pink fog have free reign. As you say, going from being a closet CD to openly sharing your innermost thoughts is a big step for your wife to get her mind around in just three months. Take care ... and go easy ... and remember she's going to be very defensive and worried about any change in your behavior no matter how innocent ...
    Luv Chrissie
    x

  7. #7
    Platinum Member Karren Hutton's Avatar
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    My wife lost all trust in me 3 years ago and every day its p still a battle to win some of it back.. I dare say I will never get back to where I was the day before she found out but I'm trying hard..
    I reject your reality and substitute my own!
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  8. #8
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    The fewer waves you make, the fewer waves they feel...

    I have never had any SO (wife or girlfriend) wind up being anything but helpful and supportive - in the past 30+ years.

    They have never said, "Yippie, you were dresses!" but they have always said:

    "OK, so why are you telling me and what am I supposed to do?"

    You, my friend, need to answer the question they most want to ask:

    "Are you going to be weird about this, or, can we add this to our list of his/her/our activities and continue on the course we had?"

    If you're heading for gay bars and gay sex - which seems to be the worst fear - then say so. If you're not sure, say, "I don't know... I did/did not do that before so..."

    If you're going to go "all girl" on them, they can get the real deal, a lesbian lover, down the street. But, they may not want to do that at all. If you do, and they don't: "See ya!"

    People in relationships put up with all kinds of things. Drinking, sports fans, ski nuts, Wednesday choir practice - "forever," and many other things.

    I find that if you can manage to do what she expects you to do, be there FOR her, almost any other interest can be worked around.

    Think less about problems and more about living happily.

    If she has a itch - like wanting to go on vacation with her family - you be there to scratch it and go along happily.

    You stick with a plan like that, you're gold if you want to sleep hanging from the ceiling in a vampire suit.

    "Yeah, he's a nut. But, he's my nut."

  9. #9
    :) Post-Op Hippie Chick CharleneT's Avatar
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    Keep in mind that this was a big shock to her and she may be overly sensitive to things now and for a while to come. A big part of what she thought you were just got dashed ( in her view ) and that destabilizes a lot of things that she had taken for granted. Try and take each thing calmly and try, if at all possible, to keep talking to her. I would suggest that maybe you two could/should find a marriage therapist. Or she if she would go in to talk to yours, with you.

    Good luck !

    p.s. get a case to cover the phone and unlock the pad. Her fear may be unreasonable, but it is also easy to help.
    There is a road—no simple highway—between the dawn and the dark of night.
    And if you go no one may follow. That path is for your steps alone.

  10. #10
    Junior Member chrissie-h's Avatar
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    Well put Mary ... some good, practical, down-to-earth advice.
    Last edited by Sandra; 09-20-2009 at 03:56 PM. Reason: No need to quote the whole post
    Luv Chrissie
    x

  11. #11
    TJ Tresa TJ Tresa's Avatar
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    My dear Keri, I really hate to hear of your troubles. Let me suggest this to you. Get yourself all cleaned up and ask her out for a date, try and rekindle the romance. One of the biggest mistakes couples make in thier marriage is they forget they are a couple, you should always remember that she was and is your girlfriend, and she needs to rmember taht you are her boyfriend. so try and get back to that and bring the relationship back up to where it is now. romance her and be sure to let her know that she is the most important thing in your life. this will help her to understand that you do not wnat to be a female but rather enjoy the soft clothing. It will reassure her that she is not compeeting wtih some other female, al those feelings that women have and I don't fully understand.
    Hopefully some of the GG's on here will jump in and give you some helpfull advise. I wish you the best and good luck.

  12. #12
    Junior Member KellyV GG's Avatar
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    Hi Kerigirl..

    I'm pretty new to all of this, but hopefully I can be of some help.

    There is absolutely nothing in life that can prepare a woman who has no experience in this area, for this kind of news. You feel betrayed and confused, not to mention beyond shocked, on so many levels. It's almost too much to even wrap your head around. I found out a year and a half plus into my relationship. I chose to accept it and support him/her - in the beginning for my own selfish reasons - because I knew that if I reacted any differently I wouldn't get all of the answers I needed, and now because I really do embrace it. But at first the hiding and the lying - although I totally understand the need to protect yourself - really really hurts. Your mind goes in a million directions. You don't know what it is, what it means, where it's going...she didn't sign up for this and she has every right to feel betrayed. You really do need to take it slow slow slow. It's massive information overload in the beginning and I don't think that sharing everything, as far as your feelings go, is a good idea right now. She needs to feel secure in the relationship. When the man in your life is telling you that he wants to be a woman...omg...it's alot to deal with. She's going suddenly forced to question your sexuality, hers, reality in general, does she really know you...You know who you are and what you want, but her foundation has been totally rocked. She needs the man she fell in love with...and I think that you need to be that man for her and ease her into the rest of it. Don't push it on her and don't over share. Let things flow naturally. Let her ask the questions, whenever she feels ready she will. I don't think that skirting around things will alienate you even more, it might alienate you more to share too much because you feel the need to. Give her plenty of time and space and plenty of time with the man she fell in love with.

    As far as the phone thing goes...once you feel you've been lied to or betrayed, for whatever innocent reason, you question everything and when you question everything you will find things to pin on the person who lied to you..I know I did. You're just going to have to deal with that.

    Good luck...I hope she comes around. If you had a good foundation to begin with you can get it back in time. I hope she comes around. I wouldn't have thought that I would say this in the beginning but CDing is probably the best thing that could have happened to our relationship because we're closer and more intimate than ever. But still, if I let my mind wander, it's still alot to digest........all the best, thanks for being honest with her.....Kelly
    Last edited by KellyV GG; 09-20-2009 at 06:48 PM.

  13. #13
    Just a girl at heart too Kerigirl2009's Avatar
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    I need to clarify something, which is I guess my biggest problem with my wife. I do not actually wish to become a woman. This is what I mean by to much information. Yes I have thought about what it would be like to be a woman and sometimes I have thought "that would be wonderful" BUT it is just a thought not anything that I plan on doing.
    I put it in the same catagory as SKYDIVING however I don't think I could actually jump out of a plane, But I always think about it Man that would be great to just soar thru the sky. BUT I will never do that either. BUT it is fun to think about. This is the too much info that I mean to skirt by in other words just cuz someone thinks it does it mean that it is set in stone and definately going to happen. My answer is NO. But to imagine what it is like now that is a wonderful experience.

  14. #14
    Gold Member sherri52's Avatar
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    I'm the wrong person for advice in this area. I am divorced twice, both times over crossdressing. One thing though ,is there a chance you can get your wife into your session with the therapist.

  15. #15
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    Hi Keri,

    I totally understand the situation you are in and feel very bad for you. All of the girls who have responded to your request for help have been very gracious and supportive of your plight in their replies. All have offered suggestions for resolving your problems and indicated that you should take it slow and give your wife time. I agree with all of these offered suggestions because I started going through exactly what you are going through, about year ago, before I discovered this forum and could ask for help for myself.

    My wife had just about all of the same feelings as your is having now. She lost trust in me because I kept this 'strange behavior' from her. She felt that I was no longer the man that she had married and that I now participated in strange and perverted behavior. I have therefore taken it slow and given her all of the time that she needs, but to no avail. She just will not accept me as I am.

    I have been going to see a therapist, at her insistence, for the past year. With all of her demands that I go and 'get fixed', she will not discuss anything relating to my dressing. It has reached the point where she believes it will be her way or no way. She does not want to know about my dressing, won't discuss it or be involved with it. She does however demand that I not dress, not want to dress and not leave the house dressed.

    During this time, my therapist has begun to identify an increasing shift in my behavior and personality towards Nicole. He believes that this is in part due to what he calls a 'slingshot effect' to my wife's attitude. He has tried on a number of occasions to bring my wife in for a joint session, but to no avail. My wife just continues to say 'fix him', again her way or no way.

    I guess what I am trying to say, is to continue to try and work things out with your wife. Give her plenty of time, I've already given my wife over a year, but don't be surprised if you wind up in the same boat I am in. I sincerely hope that you don't, I wouldn't wish my situation on my worst enemy, but realize that a less than positive ending is always a possibility.

    Good luck as you move forward, please contact me directly if you wish to discuss our unfortunately similar situations one on one. I will be more than happy to provide any and all information and assistance that I can.

    Nicole

  16. #16
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    Time.

    That's what it will take. Karren's wife has given her time. I hope yours does too.

  17. #17
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    Keri,

    I agree with so many others---it takes time to rebuild trust. She lost something and it takes time for her to heal. Give her time and show her your love.

  18. #18
    KatelynMae's SO KayC's Avatar
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    I am so sorry you are both going through this. I would greatly urge you to encourage your wife to come here, get her ten posts in, and apply to the FAB section where she can comfortably and safely post her feelings and get any answers to questions she might have. It sounds like her biggest concern is one of trust and not the CD issue, which is related, understandably, out of your worry about losing her. Once there, we could try to help her understand what CDers go through and it would help her to realize she is not alone and this is not an isolated situation. One of the old adages I would remind her of is "Don't throw the baby out with the bath." If you had a good relationship before, you can have it again, and even stronger, she just needs to realize that you are both on the same page and want the same thing. Have you asked her if she has any questions about CD or is she not interested in going that far at this point? Of course you can't make her do anything, but the best thing you can do at this point is HEAR her, RESPECT her, and BE TRANSPARENT to her. Have you explained how your phone works and offered to give her all passwords, pins, etc.? Why is she worried about your use of the phone just because you "dress"? I'm not sure I understand how one issue is relative to the other, unless it's just that she feels all trust is broken period and she no longer knows what to think.
    There is a point of discovery with all of us and for some that was immediate and for others it was futher down the road...for some it was hinted at, for some it was told directly, and for others, they discovered it for themselves. The latter has a harder time, but need to understand the other side of the coin...it is a hard thing for the CD to know how and when to tell, and if it'll come back to bite them if they do. Another point is, some CD have a hard time coming to terms with it themselves...so it stands to reason, they can't "tell" if they are still in denial themselves! This is all a journey, a learning process, but it can be a good one if we let it. I wish you both the best, I hope she sees it in herself to give you another chance!
    Enacting life's lessons into positive change...

  19. #19
    Rebecca Ras's Avatar
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    Keri, Sorry to hear things have taken a turn for the worse. They sounded like they were going so well when you first told her. You need to open up the lines of conversation with her again and find out how she is feeling and what is going through her mind.

    PM me if you need/want.

    Rebecca

  20. #20
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    I told my wife I was a crossdresser after 20 years of marriage and her biggest complaint was the lying to her. In my defense I did try to tell her early on by appearing dressed in some of her clothes but when her initial reaction was negative I passed it off as a joke. She admits that she suspected for years so she participated in the lie somewhat. She has been accepting to my immense relief but is reserved when it comes to having anything to do with my dressing. She does tease me some times and this makes things much less tense. She knows that this is not something that I can change and that it is not a sickness. I feel very blessed to have her understanding and support.

  21. #21
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    Keri,
    It's hard to communicate this stuff. Be careful that she isn't creating a doomsday scenario (unless it IS a doomsday scenario). When you say "I've thought about what it'd be like to be a woman," she may hear, "I'm thinking about becoming a woman."

    If you value her and your relationship above cding, be sure she understands that very clearly.

  22. #22
    Senior Member Rebecca Jayne's Avatar
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    5 steps

    When I told my wife, after lengthy discussions,
    I remember watching the movie "All That Jazz,"
    and in the movie they talk about the 5 steps of dying ,
    which I equate with "transformation of a marriage"

    They are;
    1 Denial "This can't be happening to us."

    2 Anger "Why us, Who is to blame?"

    3 Bargaining "Just let us save or marriage"

    4 Depression " Our marriage is doomed what's the point"

    5 Acceptance "It will be OK we can work this out"

    Its takes 2 to have a happy marriage, one or both to put it in jeopardy, but both have to work together to rebuild it.


    Hang in there baby
    Its worth fighting for
    RJ
    A Rose by any other name.....[SIZE="2"][/SIZE]

    Love Rebecca Jayne

  23. #23
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Remember 2 things, Keri;

    1. Trust is EARNED! Start doing what Karren has been doing the last 3 years!

    It sounds like "complete honesty" may be your LAST RESORT! And, you're BEST BET now!

    2. Once you've squeezed the toothpaste out of the tube, you'll NEVER get it back in again!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  24. #24
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    I have some thoughts on this.

    Stop being a part of the problem and start being a part of the solution.

    Stop talking and start listening. REALLY listening. Stop hearing what you think she's saying and start hearing what she IS saying. She doesn’t think you are a bad person, she’s struggling to accept this. Stop jumping to conclusions…stop turning the conversation back to yourself. Have you ever once asked her what she’s thinking? Did you listen to what she said or what you think she said?

    You need to realize that you are asking her to change some strong beliefs that have been instilled in her since she was very very young. You tell her that you can't change, that this is part of who you are. But you seem to forget that you are asking her to change who she is. She doesn’t want to give up certain things like going to church. But you feel uncomfortable, that’s not her problem, it yours. Has this been a problem all along, or just come up since you told her.

    Help her out in every way that you can. EVERY WAY. Get off your butt and clean the house!! The washer's broken but the laundry still needs to get done. The last thing she wants to do after 10-11 hours at work is go to the laundry mat. The kids need clean clothes to go to school in, she needs clean clothes to go to work in.

    Get over the “poor me” attitude. Lower your voice, the kids can hear you. This is not the right way for them to find out. They don’t need to know this.

    This is not about “you”. This is about a family. There are 6 people in your house, not 1. 4 of them are discovering who they are, struggling themselves to find their place in this world. They look to you as a part of them. They respond to the way you are acting whether it’s negative or positive. Through you, they find themselves. Is the picture you portray really who you want them to be?

    Was your marriage as loving as you think it was? Was your wife really as happy as you say she was?

    If you haven’t figured it out already, I am your wife.

  25. #25
    Just a girl at heart too Kerigirl2009's Avatar
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    I thought I was listening, but I am wrong. I want to listen to you. I do not want this to end our marriage. I LOVE YOU with all my heart and soul. I guess I need your guidance as I am a stupid man for not being attentitive to your needs. I was planning on doing the laundry, but only after you mentioned you where going to do it after work. I know your tired.
    I have hurt you in more ways than I was aware of and for this I am sorry. I did know it was you from the moment I saw your screen name. I am trying to not be selfish, I want my family to come first ALWAYS. I would really like to talk and pray that we can get past this. As far as church, I do like going to church, I am just confused with everything that has been going on between us and I feel like a hypricite. I am afraid that I am being judged by you now more than ever. I want to change and show you that I DO CARE about our lives together. I am asking for forgiveness. From you and our children whom I do love dearly. I am not the father that I thought I would be, and this is a hard thing to change, I can be lazy, but I also do believe that I can be a hard worker and would love to show this side of me as much as possible. I really do want to be a better man for you and our family. I just don't know how to do this alone. I want my family to always come first. I have issues that I have hidden for most of my life from everyone. For not being honest I am truly sorry too you as I know it has effected our relationship. I would like to fix my problems with you. I do accept that I am the problem to alot of issues. Some that I was unaware of or I guess not willing to believe. Please forgive me and just love me. I LOVE YOU.

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