Outing yourself to protect an unknown CD?

[~Seana~]

Okay well this one is a bit weird. Friday I was coming home from seeing my wife/houseboi tobi to the bus to visit for the weekend with one of her other partners in montreal. I got on at the bus station the local Octranspo bus after seeing her off.

As I was boarding I was immediately aware there was a CD on the bus. I was in male mode and had my 2 year old child on a carrying harness on my back. The reason I noticed right away was the person had put very little effort into making it non-obvious, the most striking clue was a couple days worth of beard growth. The reddish wig she had on was well worn with extensive frizz from wear, and it too drew attention to her. The clothes were discrete enough ( longish past the knees jean skirt I'm not sure about the top as they had a guy mode jacket over top) and she made certain to pretty much constantly be looking away out the window but the really badly applied and godawful pink lipstick stood out like a sore thumb on the unshaved face.

It would be nice if this were the end of the story, but it isnt. The person was noticed by other people on the bus, in particular a group of 5-6 28-35 year old men who was with one woman. These men immediately started to giggle and then make fun of this person, audible to pretty much everyone on the bus ( about 30 people) until eventually the woman with them got upset with them and told them to stop, which they didnt really do anyway ( they were still laughing about it and making gestures/faces) . I briefly considered getting up and approaching them, to perhaps educate them or request that they kindly leave her alone in peace but didnt for two reasons, first I had a child on my back and was taking safety consideration in mind, but also , because of the poor effort at concealing his birth gender I wasnt sure that exactly that type of humiliation/public scene wasnt exactly what she was looking to happen in the first place as she had set herself up for it.

Now it's not the first time I spot a CD on the bus, in fact it happens pretty commonly but I'm feeling more than a little guilt over not intervening on her behalf as silly as that is. I highly doubt it would have had the desired effect though and could well have turned out worse...for either me or her if I had so I still think I did the right thing by staying quiet.

So ....why do I still feel guilt?

Amanda

[KateLongman27]

Could be partial survivor guilt, you perceived a fellow crossdresser under attack and in a mode of self preservation; you kept quiet thus in your mind losing your integrity and moral arrow in order to protect yourself from a possible onslaught of verbal abuse or worse.

Hence, your feeling slightly guilty about the situation as you feel that you should of done something about it.

Edit(added): Thats my thoughts about the situation.

[sherri52]

It may have been parental intuition that stopped you from interviening. Had you two year old not been with you you may have acted differently. Ask yourself that question if that is what your answer is your guilt will go away. Sometimes we avoid troublesome situations to protect the ones we love.

[Ze]

Could be partial survivor guilt, you perceived a fellow crossdresser under attack and in a mode of self preservation; you kept quiet thus in your mind losing your integrity and moral arrow in order to protect yourself from a possible onslaught of verbal abuse or worse.

Hence, your feeling slightly guilty about the situation as you feel that you should of done something about it.

Edit(added): Thats my thoughts about the situation.

That's pretty much exactly what I was thinking. This has happened to me a few times on campus. TG issues have come up--whether in theory or poking fun at somebody different who just walked by--and sometimes, due to the type of people talking, I didn't speak up because I knew it was a pretty big risk. So I'd keep my mouth shut or slink away and feel guilty about it.

I also felt like I'd betrayed myself as well as TG people in general. (I know you're talking about CDers specifically, but I feel it's more or less the same situation.)

[TJ Tresa]

It is always hard not to interfear with people doing other people wrong. It is what makes us different from the other animals of the world. However I believe under the circumstances you DID THE RIGHT THING, you had your child and the wellfare of the little one should have been formost in your mind. I understand your feeling of guilt, for not trying to do anything. Please allow me to point something out to you that you already know. think for a moment, If you had been alone would you have done anything. If you had been alone what would you have done. Now with that in mind how would those morrons have reacted. Now that you have that image in your mind remember you had your child and you did the only safe thing.
Personnaly I commned you for putting the child first and your feelings second. That is a very unselfish thing to do and would fall more in the line of what we would expect a mommy to do. Protect the child.

[deja true]

Might the crossdressed "victim" of the harassment have been a homeless person?

Um...I don't know what the situation in Canada is regarding homeless folks, but there among the many homeless in the states a small minority of trans people as well. Among the scores of homeless I've seen on the streets of Miami in the past couple of days, there are at least three crossdressed that I've seen several times. Yes, they present like you described, in need of ashave, a little on the dis-shevelled side. Yes, they are getting a little grief from a few people on the streets. And they often,like many homeless folks, also have psychological problems and do not relate well to any kind of contact, whether insulting or friendly and tend to lash out verbally at anyone who attempts to make any kind of contact, even eye contact.

If the person you saw on the bus was not paying attention to the verbal assault or appeared not to be distressed about it, I wouldn't interfere either. Cities are not always friendly to the different and the disposessed, but they manage to survive in their own way... sometimes by just turning off the raucous "music of the streets", sometimes by lashing out and cursing everything and anything within their view. If she was being physically threatened or harassed, I would have stepped in, I guess... but if it was only a verbal assault by boorish idiots, I would probably have left the issue alone in your case.

With your tiny child with you, I think you did the right thing. Don't feel too guilty, hun. But it's certainly okay to feel sad ... and maybe find a way to help all those souls in a more general way.

Gosh!

[Andy66]

I think you did the right thing by protecting your child.

[mklinden2010]

>>So ....why do I still feel guilt?


Maybe because you just didn't saunter over there and say,

"Oh, so you're on you're way to a party?"

Maybe it's not guilt at all, just a nagging thought that you could have done something to ease the situation and didn't think of it in time.

The other day, I was thinking of the movie Spartacus, and recalled the ending where the Romans want to crucify "just" Spartacus. All his men stand up and say, "I am Spartacus."

Now, in the movie, the Romans have enough power to crucify them all, and did. But, as we all know, in the long run the Romans lost their empire because, for many reasons, they could not hold it by force alone.

We are all Spartacus, but these guys on the bus weren't the Roman army and the other passengers didn't help them beat the CDer up, much less drag him of the bus and... In fact, their friend, the girl, told them to knock it off and they just kept... TALKING. Big deal. Talk...

So, the CDer, for whatever reason, just sat there and took it. But, you never know... Perhaps he was just tired of such abuse and had boarded that day with a .38... Perhaps he was just sitting there thinking, "Well, here we are. I could get at least five shots off. But, what about the helpful girl and what about the guy with the baby?" Maybe he didn't show up to take abuse, but to dish it back. Life is funny that way.

Next time, do a little more to nudge the world in the direction you want it to go. Instead of keeping your distance from the situation, get closer to it. If someone says, "Do you think you and your kid should be getting into this?" Say, "Well, I don't know that my kid won't be this guy some day. This guy is somebody's kid - and my name is Spartacus."

[Sally2005]

OCtranspo bylaws:
offenses iinclude:
(g) use profane, indecent, abusive, foul, insulting or obscene language;
(h) molest or willfully interfere with the comfort or convenience of any other person;
(i) assault or otherwise use threatening behaviour towards any other person;
(j) cause a disturbance or nuisance by disorderly conduct;

One thing you could have done is make an official complaint to bus driver and ask for the offending passengers to be removed from the bus as per the by-law stating that their comments are insulting to you and the other passenger.

[Emma Elle]

I think first of all that you were ab****ely right to protect your little'un. Secondly its disappointing that the person on the bus didn't make the effort to at least more passable, a couple of days growth? In Public? On a bus i mean come on!

Sometimes when im out and about (not en-femme because im a coward and havent done that apart from midnight sorties!) or working in the retail industry but when i do 'clock' CD's TVs/Whoever then i will always go out of my way to be courteous because they've at least made the effort and that demands at the very least some respect. If they dont make the effort especially in such a public situation as that then they put themselves at potential risk and people like yourself who have sympathy for their situation.

Im sorry if this sounds a bit off against the person on the bus Not intentional, im just summising the bigger picture