I really don’t know what to say here. I honestly don’t even want to write this, but I know I need to, so here goes.
Today I’ve found myself in a deep pit of despair, depression, shame and guilt after having what could only be described as a fantastic Saturday. A Saturday in which I got to do everything I desired; it seems weird that a day after having it all, I’m nearly ready to end it all.
Friday was kinda crap, as I showed my GF this forum for the first time. I was feeling really weirded out and insecure, not sure why, maybe I thought she’d see my profile on here and suddenly hate me, really don’t know. I was so insecure I kept talking and trying to change the subject as she read a few posts on here that she got rather mad at me and kind of emotional. I’m sure she’ll read this and I hope she already knows, but if not...... I am really sorry.
It’s weird, it’s taken more courage to tell her about being active on CD forums than it did to tell her that I dress. I’m so scared about some stuff for whatever reason; she still doesn’t know I go by Sara on here and have been going by Sara for over 20 years. She did ask me if I went by a girly name on here and I told her I did, but couldn’t bring myself to tell her what exactly, even though she asked..... too ashamed I guess.
At any rate, she is on these forums now and I’m glad I showed her as she told me she was wanting to find one to learn more and get some support from other SO’s in the same situation.
Onto Saturday. .
My girlfriend ended up getting Saturday off from work, which is a real rarity. After a slightly late start on the day because I woke up ill, we headed out for the day. Had a great day, did some hobby related things I haven’t had a chance to do for a while, took her two her two favorite restaurants. It was a day we really needed after dealing with all the CD’ing issues we’ve been working thru this past week or two.
As day turned into evening we found ourselves at a store shopping for makeup. I wasn’t very into it because I still get nervous shopping for femme stuff, even with her around. I also don’t really “get” makeup. I mean, I wear it, I’m ok at it and am happy with what I have; but there’s so much to learn and try.....it’s just a wall of colors that I can’t make any sense of, makes me feel bad I’m not more knowledgeable, doesn’t help that most everything I “try” turns out making my skin look awful. So not only am I uncomfortable being a guy in the makeup isle, I’m an insecure girl there too..... not fun. Anyway, the makeup ordeal wasn’t too bad as we were mostly getting stuff for her anyway.
We head home, things are still going great, especially when my girlfriend says she wants to put makeup on me when we get home....talk about a dream come true. We get home, I shave, change and start the makeup process. It was really fun and a nice thing to finally share with someone. She did a fantastic job, but I was feeling insecure about some body issues (fat everything and Mt. Everest chin) and in general felt like I looked awful so less than an hour in I had taken my makeup off.
I did sleep en femme and woke up in an ok mood but that quickly went south. I started feeling guilty for enjoying dressing and ashamed of who I am. I started getting mad at myself that I’m not enough of, or more of a man for my girlfriend and telling myself and her that she deserves better. As the afternoon wore on I really wanted to trash all my clothes, still kinda do but haven’t yet; I did end up deleting some pictures of me dressed though. As evening has turned to night I’ve started feeling self destructive but haven’t really acted on that yet.
That pretty much brings things up to when I started this post, not knowing what to say, not wanting to say anything, but knowing that it needs to said. I sat down to write this around 1am and it’s 4:35am right now and haven’t left the computer once, so that should give you idea as to how stuck I am mentally at this moment.
I do feel slightly less negative about the situation for the time being as I’ve been reading some blogs here and there, but don’t feel like I’m out of the woods; I couldn’t even bring myself to visit the forums to write this, I did it in word.
Not really sure of why I’m even going to post this but I will. I still may end up purging everything but I’ve been around the block enough time to know I should sleep on it, so I will.
Maybe talk to you all tomorrow, maybe not. At any rate, everyone here has made me feel very welcome and cared for.
Take care.