Don't know if I'll ever date cd's again...

[QueenofHearts]

Hi!

I'm new here. I found this forum through a Google search and I think it's a good place to ask the questions I have.

I'm a GG, I posted on the introductions thread for GG's and read the forum rules.

I ended a LTR with someone who was into crossdressing a few months ago and it wasn't due to their crossdressing. I'm finally starting to think about dating again and what I would be looking for. Before last week I was thinking "I will NEVER date another guy into crossdressing!". I think more so because of the hurt from my ex and he was a cd so, negative association?? lol But then I had a really good chat with a male friend about things (he is also into crossdressing) and it made me think about it a bit more. But it also raised some questions.

This question is for everyone as I'd like to hear both sides.

How often do you dress? And, sorry if this is too personal, but....do you have to stay dressed during sex? And for the GG partners: Do you want/need your partner to be in "male-mode" a certain percentage of the time? Are you always happy with making love to them dressed in female clothing or not?

I was not only into my partners crossdressing, but I got turned on by it too. BUT, I *did* need him to be in "male-mode" at times as well. Part of the turn on was the contrast. I didn't want someone 'en femme' all the time and he even told me that he wasn't interested in that. But towards the end, it seems like he was dressing more (and on his own) and when we had sex he was in the feminine mindset. And it was starting to go from a turn-on to resentment. I didn't feel like my needs were getting met as I wanted to be the female in the relationship at times! Geez! Imagine a genetic female wanted to be the female in the relationship!! lol But seriously, crossdressing can change the dynamic in a relationship and sometimes I felt like the 'man' in the relationship even though I am anything but! And when I think about those things I think, I just can't deal with that again.

I don't know....in some ways dating/being in a relationship with a cd had it's perks. It was like having a girlfriend and boyfriend all rolled into one, and it was kinda fun. I've never been the kind of woman who likes the Alpha male types anyway. But I KNOW that I could NOT deal with a guy who wanted to be dressed ALL the time or even 80% of the time. Just because I like chocolate, doesn't mean I want to eat it all the time either! ;-)

GG's?? Are there others out there like me? Do you enjoy your partners crossdressing but you need him in "male-mode" at times??

Thank you.

Queen of Hearts (Sorry, didn't want to post my real name)

[PaulaJaneThomas]

How often do you dress?

I get dressed every morning (England's climate is not generally conducive to nudity). Sometimes I present as male (generally a Compo Simmanite look-alike), sometimes as female (usually casual top and jeans).

And, sorry if this is too personal, but....do you have to stay dressed during sex?

I'm usually too busy trying to not break wind to worry about such trivia :PaulaJaneThomas:

[Leasa Wells]

dual role, sometimes i feel more girl and other i am just a guy. I often fought that dual role now i am trying to embrace it. I think if you in a relationship it good to know how each feels. Strike a balance, make time to meet each other needs. Commication is the key I hope this helps.

Lisa

[Josey]

In my relationship there is mutal understanding of each others roles. As a CDer who has a SO who accepts this side of me, we spent many hours setting the ground rules. Being a CDer 100% of the is out of the question. A happy middle ground has been struct. Having intimate time together can and often is in CD mode. However my SO expects me to remain the agressor which is in keeping with a "balanced" relationship. When out together I dress down as to not appear femine, no wig, heavy makeup,etc. However, still dress in fem but not to draw attention to myself as a crossdresser. I hope I've helped out here with my remarks.

[Jonianne]

You will find crossdressers across the whole spectrum. On average, I guess I get dressed once a month or so and go out at most, 4 or 5 times a year, to walk through a park or along the beach. I've always identified myself as a male who likes to identify "with" women, but not "as" a woman.

[Claire Cook]

Hi,

I think this all depends on the two people involved; you have to find your own level of comfort with each other .. and respect each other's wishes. For my part, I dress for a little while every day in the early AM -- bring the wife coffee that way ... but in male clothes most of the time. I have only rarely gone out with her in public en femme, as she is not totally comfortable with that.

As for sex, once in a while with femme clothes, but usually not.

[Gisele]

I can truly understand what you are saying in your post.

I do myself dress just about all of the time when home and out and about I do pertty much wear some womens clothing sans hair and makeup. I go out fully dressed off and on. Now, for work I am all male except for my undies.

Jennifer (my other half) she will ask if something is wrong if I don't get dressed as Gisele when we are home. LOL being a girl so so much work! I have my days that women have, You know hair in a pony tail t-shirt and sweats type of day. She has grown to see me as Gisele. We have been together for 9yrs as of the 24th this month.

As for in the bed room we are a couple of girls most of the time. She says I am truly a woman in bed as I give her such soft and tender treatment.
There are times I strip down and will toss her in the bed and be my guy self.

She loves me and I her. I would be 100% male if she wanted me too. I know she wouldn't want me to be as she knows that I am more female than male. That would be like me wanting her to wear mens clothing all of the time. That ain't going to happen as she is way more female than male.

We talked about her loving me as Gisele. I asked her if she thought she maybe gay/bi as she now loves me as a woman. She assures me that she is not either gay/bi. LOL some times I wonder as she points out some real hot women when I are out. But really she knows I am always looking for a new look to try and she is always on the look out for me. Just so happens much of the real hot girls/women have a style that I like.

All in all she is a crossdressers best friend and never sees anyone here as a pervert or a freak but just another person. She even attends the CD/trans meetings with me (when I can go) She has even went without me! She has made friends there and loves the other girls that attend.

Sugar, I hope you find what you are looking for! I know I have after many years of looking.

Much love, Gisele

[Aaron Zwidling]

I'd have to estimate I am dressed completely as a male 95% of the time. Regarding staying dressed during sex question, I'm typically never dressed when we start, however my wife will often add it in at some point during the session. She says I get more excited when dressed than otherwise, and that gets her more excited, making the whole thing that much better.

I always try and meet my wife's needs whatever they may be, and certainly try and make sure my 'dressing' doesn't get in the way of anything. Of course we have been happily married for a number of years whereas you are still dating, so the difference could easily be you haven't found that certain compatible someone CD or otherwise.

Regarding your ex-boyfriend, my guess is difficulties in the relationship where making him unhappy, and the unhappiness was causing him to withdraw and dress more. In other words the excessive dressing sounds more like a symptom of the problem than the cause of it, at least from his point of view. From your point of view it sounds like that behaviour caused the relationship to end that much quicker.

[jo_ann]

how often can really vary, as much as the reasons for crossdressing itself. I started out crossdressing when I was younger simply for a turn-on (which was often), now I dress maybe once a month if I'm lucky, and mostly to fullfill a feminine need. I don't know if I'm just hanging onto something, if perhaps my wife isn't fulfilling the femme role or what (most of us don't even know the motivation ourselves).

One thing I will say, once a crossdresser, always a crossdresser. Also, for a lot of us, it comes in waves. We can be male mode for months at a time, and then suddenly we feel like we have to dress up everyday for a week. I don't know if it's a male version of the period or what, but I find a lot of crossdressers go through this.

All I can say is the next guy you meet, make sure you communicate well before getting too deep into the relationship, and make sure he's completely honest with you (as far as how often, how he likes to dress, and when).

[Raychel]

My wife has set some rules here, She has told me that she never wishes to see me dressed. I am allowed to wear lingerie to bed, but never during those intimate times. I am to be all man for her at those times. She does arragne for me to have some alone time for my complete dressing. So we have arrived at a pretty good compromise. Ground rules and compromise, works for us.

[carolinebrookes]

Hi Queen of Hearts,

There seems to be some sort of mental link with crossdressing and sex for some people.
As for myself, I don't correlate the 2. For me, they are both seperate things and when I'm in the bedroom, I'm all man.
I do understand that for some, both go hand in hand, but I have no desire to be in fem mode during sex. It would weird me out too much to be in that position and I feel equally so for my partner.

As for how often I dress? it varies wildly though I'd say I do it when I know I have enough time to justify doing so properly. Again here, I have no desire to dress all of the time.
Hope this helps a little as to the mindset of some of us.

[carrie-ann]

My wife new before we were married. That makes it a lot easyer. But there is still the work place and neighbors to live with. I'm a full time cd for the last 6 weeks. I personaly love it's me in every way. I still do all the men things I have to do. Every one has thee own thing and there own way of doing things. The best thing is to be honest and open from the start That don't happen a lot. The two has to agree on there own process of what they expect from each other. I wish you all the best.

[Jamie VieJolie]

You need to establish boundaries early on.
You have every right to want a man in bed.
Different crossdressers have different levels of involvement.
Just be open about what you want.
If a romantic prospect doesn't respect your needs it is best to move on.

[Miranda09]

Hi QueenofHearts. Just to put my 2 cents worth in, as I've never dated anyone who knew about my CDing, I cant really address this question directly, however, what I can say is that don't read all CDer's as having the same type personality as your ex. Just as in male mode, there are guys who know how to treat a woman during intimate moments, and those that just don't quite get it, and it doesn't matter if they are CDer's or not. Personally I've come to a nice balance between my male and female personas. I bring her out several times a week, and feel wonderful, then I let my male self go and have some fun times as well. As far as intimate moments, treating a woman in gentle, sensitive modes to make her really feel like a sexy woman can be done in both CD and non-CD mode. It all depends on how much one wants to give and please his partner.

[trisha11]

Queen of Hearts,
My SO is a GG and she has also embraced me as a crossdresser and like you finds it to be both beneficial and a turn on. We have discussed my crossdressing at length and we have always been open and honest about it and how it effects us both sexually and non sexually. I as a crossdresser am also very aware of her need to have me in male mode sometimes as well. I think both parties need to have good communication, set the expectations dont assume. I know as a crossdresser finding a GG that is accepting is few and far between and to find a GG that not only accepts crossdressing but supports it is even further and far between. Knowing that I am willing to accept what she desires from me as well. I guess what I am trying to say is that it can not always be about me or my crossdressing. Just as I have needs and desires to dress I know she has needs and desires from my guy mode side. Just stay open and honest with each other about expectations and your wants and desires and it will all work out in the end. Good luck
Trisha

[joannemarie barker]

I'm happy dressing whenever it's safe or ok to.I like my male and female sides.if I'm with a woman I don't feel the need to dress en femme for sex at all.if I was with a guy I would expect him to be attracted to my fem side so I would enjoy dressing to turn him on

[Dutchess]

I can truly understand what you are saying in your post.

I do myself dress just about all of the time when home and out and about I do pertty much wear some womens clothing sans hair and makeup. I go out fully dressed off and on. Now, for work I am all male except for my undies.

Jennifer (my other half) she will ask if something is wrong if I don't get dressed as Gisele when we are home. LOL being a girl so so much work! I have my days that women have, You know hair in a pony tail t-shirt and sweats type of day. She has grown to see me as Gisele. We have been together for 9yrs as of the 24th this month.

As for in the bed room we are a couple of girls most of the time. She says I am truly a woman in bed as I give her such soft and tender treatment.
There are times I strip down and will toss her in the bed and be my guy self.

She loves me and I her. I would be 100% male if she wanted me too. I know she wouldn't want me to be as she knows that I am more female than male. That would be like me wanting her to wear mens clothing all of the time. That ain't going to happen as she is way more female than male.

Hi QueenofHearts,,

What Gisele said , goes for my husband and I as well ,, I don't think I could have described our relationship any better .

[LisaM]

Queen of Hearts,

I don't have anything different to add except another variation on the spectrum. I consider myself more of a TS than a CD. Dressing has never been important to me. I dress maybe 6-12 times a year.

I understand that my SO married a man--I never told her about myself until 10 years into our marriage. We both struggle with it but we both communicate as much as possible. She needs me in male mode some of the time and I have no problem with that because I love her and want her to be happy.

As far as clothing while being intimate---I have never worn any clothing while intimate. Whatever clothing we have on we enjoy taking off but clothing has never been part of our intimacy. And more to the point--I have never worn female clothing before being intimate.

[suchacutie]

Of course you will find that there is a spectrum of opinions and actions and I do think this forum has the breadth to give you a good idea of what's out there.

My wife and I found Tina only 4 years ago, so we have grown with her together. Personally, I like being a guy, and my wife likes that too. Tina is her platonic girlfriend, and her protege. In my case, I married as a hetersexual male, and, in my opionion, my wife deserves to not have a "bait and switch" relationship, so when she wants her man, he's always there. My goal is to be able to switch back and forth smoothly and with credibility. I don't just want the "trappings" but want to know how to be feminine from the psychology through to the physical execution of it. I will also point out that my wife is my biggest supporter, helper, instructor, and love. She has embraced this exploration of my femininity wholeheartedly, and I would do anything for her in return, even moreso than before we started this journey, if that's actually possible!

I do think that a man who strives to be his feminine self for part of the time can be a very different mate in a LTR from the "average" male. After all, besides another GG, who is better placed to understand all there is to understand about being a woman? Who is better able to listen, and to be truly interested in what you have to say, your opinions, and your emotional issues.

And no man better understands that getting ready to "go out" takes time than we do!

But, it comes down to what you want and the patience to find it without compromise. We are out there!

best!

tina

[JulieC]

This question is for everyone as I'd like to hear both sides.

How often do you dress? And, sorry if this is too personal, but....do you have to stay dressed during sex?

How often I dress en femme ebbs and flows. Sometimes I go weeks or even months without putting on a single article of clothing. Sometimes I'm likely to dress many times a week. There's no set pattern, just whatever I feel like and what opportunities I have. We have kids at home who do not know I crossdress, and we want to keep it that way.

My wife and I have probably had sex thousands of times. The number of times that I've worn a femme article during our love making is probably less than a hundred. She doesn't mind if I do, but has said she'd be bothered if I always did. The vast majority of these times it's been lingerie/underthings on my part. Though, it's been a dress a few times. That's not my wife's favorite, but she's happy to oblige me and doing so doesn't create friction between us.

[Rachel Morley]

Hi Queen of Hearts,

I'm sorry to hear that you've just broke up but I'm happy that at least some of your experiences with crossdressing have been fun. My first thought is please don't let one not so good relationship (or should that be not so good Cder?) "tar us all with the same brush". There are lots of CDers out there that are the sort you are looking for.

It was like having a girlfriend and boyfriend all rolled into one, and it was kinda fun. I've never been the kind of woman who likes the Alpha male types anyway.

That's my wife's opinion too. She looked to date a CDer before she met me and she thinks I look cute dressed.

How often do you dress?

I only dress fully once or twice a week but I like to wear somewhat unisex girls clothes most of the time (you know, girls jeans, tees and tennis shoes etc).

Sorry if this is too personal, but....do you have to stay dressed during sex?

No. I rarely wear anything feminine when making love. Occasionally, I might wear a chemise, but 95% the time we're both naked.

I don't know....in some ways dating/being in a relationship with a cd had it's perks.

It totally does ..... with the right partner. Crossdressing has enhanced our marriage and is the cornerstone of our relationship. My wife once told me that if I ever stopped wanting to wear girl's clothes she'd think I didn't love her!

[Kate Jennings]

For me...I dress infrequently. At times I may dress a few days of the week, at times, I may not dress for months. My SO knows I dress, doesn't have a problem with it, still most of the time I dress privately when Im alone. Most times I don't tell her I dressed that day. Every once in a while I pop her a picture on her cell phone of me dressed that day.

As for the bedroom...there are occassions where I ask her if we can have a "Kate night" and I get all dolled up for the evening's activities. After making love on those nights generally I take off the lingere and sleep as a guy sometimes I leave on a night gown.

She has been willing to play the "male" role a bit when I'm dressed. She says she has no interest in females sexually but has gotten into girl on girl activities between us. She clearly doies these things for my sake but it works.

We see my crossdressing as a variation that adds spice to our love life.

[docrobbysherry]

I have never tried sex with a woman while dressed. Can't say as I've ever thot about it, or would even WANT to try it!

However, I do seem to get more aroused when I'm with/am Sherry, than my female partners the last couple of years!

U mite consider staying away from CDs with THAT SORT of CONFLICT!

[Kerigirl2009]

For me I dress when the opportunity presents itself. (must be alone) Sometimes I will just wear a bra in addition to my undies which I wear everyday, and sometimes if I am feeling more girly I will dress completely but this usually only lasts for a short time as I am usually not alone for long and I have to allow time to clean up and get back to my male self.
As for Sex while dressed, This has never happened, after I told my wife that I am a crossdresser, she said it can NEVER come into the bedroom which was fine with me as I wasn't expecting to ever go down that road. I present as male 100% of the time if I am around others EXCEPT for the one time that I went out. If I am alone maybe 50% of the time I will dress for short periods to get the girly feelings and thoughts out of my system.

[Kathi Lake]

Hello Queen of Hearts,

First, let me say that I'm sorry that your previous relationship was marked by his very selfish behavior. It's sad that he saw your time together as a "Let's meet my needs" relationship and not "Let's meet our needs." Please understand that this is not unique behavior to crossdressers. We're men. We fit somewhere along the spectrum of not only perceived gender, but frequency of dress, type of dress, whether we take it into the bedroom or not, and many, many other areas.

For myself, I have never taken Kathi into the bedroom, nor would I ask to. Talk about a turnoff not only for me, but I'm sure for my wife as well. As a man, I understand that my wife has needs just as I do. My job is to meet those needs to please her. Her job as a woman is to reciprocate. When that happens, everybody is satisfied.

That said, I do believe that as a crossdresser - in my case one who attempts to emulate a female as much as possible - I find that, from what I hear from my girlfriends, I make love more like a girl. I am more tender, more gentle, more responsive to her needs than "most guys" (according to their descriptions). My primary goal is to make sure that she is happy. If I get pleasure along the way, then more's the better.

But enough bedroom talk. There's more to life than sex (No. Really. Google it. It's true!). I don't dress up all the time. Once again, this may be due to where I am on one or more of the spectrums I talked about earlier. I find that once a month or so, Kathi needs to come out. According to my wife, I get a bit cranky and immature. As an outside observer, I have to trust her in that, though I don't think I do. I will usually take the day off work and go to a museum or shopping (OK, mostly shopping ). When dressed, I feel marvelous! Wonderful! Content! At peace with the world. I get to step outside the normal gender barrier (and for men, it is a huge barrier - with guards, flashing lighs, etc.), and just be myself. It is kind of a cleansing for me. However, due to a mutual agreement, I do it away from my wife. She has seen me dressed and, being a woman, she has a hard time seeing me like this. She says it hurts her own self-esteem, her confidence and especially her body image (as I'm a bit thinner than her). So, once again, I find myself doing what I do, while trying to respect her wishes as much as possible - more than mine, usually.

So, what I'm trying to say in my usual convoluted, long-winded way is that there are men out there. Sounds kind of obvious, I guess, but true. Your challenge is to find the one that treats you as you deserve - whether he is a crossdresser or not does not matter. Find the right one.

Good luck!

Kathi