What is your own "career path"?

[TGMarla]

Frederique's thread on the transvestism career path got me to thinking. Seems that scholars and psychologists need something to talk about and keep themselves busy.
The talking heads can map out whatever they want. It doesn't mean a damn thing. Everybody follows a unique road. They all lead to unique destinations. Here's mine:

1. Age 12. Tried on some pantyhose for reasons having nothing to do with crossdressing. Liked it. Tried it several more times, and got curious about other articles of women's clothing.

2. Age 12-14. Began to fully dress, however without any prosthetics like wigs and breastforms, using rolled up socks to simulate breasts. Wondered what it would be like to be a girl. Began to obsess about dresses and the wonderful creatures who were wearing them to school. One evening, while dressed from head to toe, I orgasm for the first time. Fom this day forward, my crossdressing often culminates in masturbation and orgasm.

3. Age 17. Went off to college, where the opportunities to dress were minimal. Girl-crazy by this time, but always thinking about crossdressing. Snuck a session in now and then, hoping never to get caught.

4. Age 22. Purchased a dress of my own for the first time from a thrift store. Began hiding my own stash of clothing for my own private use.

5. Age 25. My first place of my own. Crossdress regularly, but too scared to go out anywhere. Still no wig or forms. Need some shoes.

6. Age 29. Married for the first time. She's about my size (a little smaller), and I raid her closet relentlessly. She never knows, winds up cheating on me with one of my best friends. Divorced 13 months later.

7. Age 31-34. On my own again. Begin purchasing clothing again. Make my first breast forms from pantyhose and white rice. Seriously think about transition, but family and friends matters hold me back.

8. Age 34. Marry again to my present wife, who I do not tell I'm a crossdresser. Raid her closet relentlessly. I find the internet, and find that there are others out there who are much like me. I spend a great deal of time studying crossdressing and transexualism. I shave my moustache somewhere around now, but I allow it to grow back.

9. Age 39. We go out for Halloween dressed as the opposite genders. I purchase a wig for the first time. My makeup is really well-done, and I tell her it's because I've watched her doing it for years. I have too good a time that night all dolled up, and she suspects this isn't the first time I've done this. I sleep that night with my nails nicely done, and don't remove them until the next morning. My legs are shaved, and I have difficulty allowing the hair to grow back.

10. Age 40. Caught crossdressing by my step-son, who tells my wife all about it. She hits the roof, and I make some lame excuse about it. She threatens divorce, but we get through it. At some time aroung this age, I replace my wig with a much nicer one that better goes with my skin tone, allowing me to present a much more realistic female image. This ratchets up the crossdressing several notches.

11. Age 44. Step son takes his own life, and our lives are shattered. I continue crossdressing, and do not disclose this to my wife, as she cannot even comprehend how her life has fallen apart, and I do not wish to burden her with it. I try my best just to be a good husband, but it is hard to know what to do or say to her. We struggle, and finally plan for separation. Later, we decide to stay together.

12. Age 45. I shave my moustache off for the last time. It will not be back. I take a job on the road travelling almost full time. I dress every day in hotel rooms, and begin going out every once in a while. I join this forum. Members here convince me to fully disclose my crossdressing habits to my wife. By now, I have abandoned any serious thoughts of transitioning. This job does not last (not my fault), and I head home. When I get home, I write a 5-page letter to my wife fully disclosing my crossdressing habits. She shreds the letter, and we do not discuss it. I begin purchasing my own clothing, and amassing a rather large wardrobe.

13. Age 48. I purchase breast forms for the first time, and attend a support group meeting fully dressed for the first time. We hit a restaurant afterwards. It is a wonderful night for me, and other than the fact that I'm with a group of crossdressers, I pass rather well. My confidence in my feminine appearance goes through the roof.

14. Present day. I've purchased a beautiful new wig, which I did completely en femme. I'm reasonably passable, and find that I can go out in public with little or no problem whatsoever. My wife is fully aware that I crossdress, and knows I have my own clothing, but is still unaware of just how much I have, how often I do this, or how deep it goes. She does not really want to know. But we have grown very close to each other, and have a deep commitment to our marriage. This is our best time together, and she has accepted the fact that I do this and it will not go away.

There. My rocky road. I hope that anyone who took the time to read this, who still has all their best time before them, do not take this same road, as all it will lead to is frustration. Be open as you can, and as honest as you can, and it will be much better for you.

Whew!

I hope that some of you will take the time to share yours with us as well.

[Amalia]

Hmm this is interesting

about 5: tried on a pair of my mum's pantyhose
from then to about 7: experimented with underwear and tried my first pair of high heels

at 11-12: started to fully dress when parents were out
12-19: didn't dress at all the thought of it pretty much went out the window. but I did read a lot of fashion magazines and was always obsessed with what girls were wearing
20: bought first pair of shoes and some other stuff then purged within a week. about 6 months down the line i bought a full outfit and a lot of make up.
21: I began going out at a minimum of once every two weeks and as of today three of my friends know about it and two of them actively encourage me.

[docrobbysherry]

Makes me want to do my own time line. Just to see where I've been/come from, in written form.

1. About age 10, discovered I like the feeling of being in somethin tite! Used to roll myself up in carpets. Wrap towels/sheets titely around my body.

2. " Normal", ( yeah, RITE!), for the next 20 years.

3. About age 30. Live by myself. Start getting involved with self bondage. That continues on and off for the next 20 years.

4. About age 43, got married. At ex's suggestion, went to a large Halloween party with me dressed in fem. Her, as a guy. Both outfits were totally fake and cheesy! I DID like how the stockings felt! But, nothing clicked inside me then.

5. About age 48, I tried on a pair of TITE ladies jeans. Liked the way they looked and felt. Started experimenting with other ladies gear. Tried on a bra with sox inside.

6. About age 49, Seperated from wife. Started experimenting with dressing more. Fantasized about growing/having breasts. And being forced to become female.

7. About age 50, started buying full fem paraphenalia. Including corsets, breast form, herbs, and using breast enlarging devices.

8. About age 51. Gave up the idea of being female and breast expansion. Because I was so unhappy with my fem looks, I nearly gave up CDing entirely!

9. About age 52, tried on my first mask. And Sherry was born! My CDing has moved to ever increasing levels of technical improvement and enjoyment ever since.

10. About age 60, happy enough with my CDIng that I came out of the closet online.

And here I am today!

[TxKimberly]

I think I've told my own story too many times here and so wont repeat it.
I DID however want to post and say how much I appreciated this look into your life, and I wanted to give ya a hug. It must be so hard to loose a child. It also must be so hard to have a wife that hates what you are.

[mklinden2010]

I too have posted my personal chronology before, but here we go again... With some comments about Frederique's thread.


First, I didn't come to crossdressing, it came to me. My sisters dressed me up as a girl when I was probably about three, maybe younger. They were having a good time and waited until they were done to walk me to the mirror. As I have said before: "Magic!"

Second, it never occurred to me that there was really anything wrong with "dressing up" or making use of a magazine, TV show, or, just a good imagination to spark and enjoy sex. Everyone does some form of that - that's just life.

Third, the original thread lists the "stages" of crossdressing, etc. and I had to examine each in turn over the past 50 years. The bit about the strong mother, being blocked in homosexual and hetrosexual pursuits - perhaps some truth to that...? But, upon examination over time, no. Not really.

Growing up was more like, "You're own your own on your own time - we have our own interests to pursue." I get the identity with the stronger parent and the draw of sex... But, I work better with what I was born with and I never could see why women were attracted to men all that much. I guess it's mostly a case of, "You do what you gotta do." I've learned to live and let live on the subject.

Fourth, as to the female identity... Well, that's interesting. For me it may be, in fact, a matter of being a perfectionist. I do believe that if you're going to do something, do it right; even if it's a fresh rope for your own hanging.

Dressing and presenting as female, it seems the right thing to do to focus on actually "naturally" looking the part you're trying to play. But, I never make any strong effort to speak, walk, or, move like a woman. I just try to work out the best presentation I can and not fall off my shoes - which just happen to be heels.

And, there is much role playing to this, "doing things right," as far as can be expected. If I were to dress as Superman, for example, I'd work out the padding and the haircut, and, get the best fitting costume, but I still wouldn't have X-ray vision or be able to fly. Oh, well... Call me a fan of the Superman "idea" and leave me be.

Five, and, yes, the idea of the "internal marriage" has merit, to some extent. But, I take this more as, "To thine own self be true," and make sure that this part of myself is present in all parts of my life. I do work out things with my SOs; I do offer my politics on things to everyone; I am involved in education on these topics; and I do shove nay-sayers and doubters aside by both logic, and where need be, brute force.

I'm the same person all the time, this is just something I do.

Sorry if I skipped, left out, or, ignored some parts of the original thread. I suppose this says that not everyone follows the same path to the same destination on the same time table.

Still, it makes for some lively conversation, doesn't it?

[sometimes_miss]

A complete time line can be found in my bio, linked below. But condensed here:
Mom dressed me in my sisters clothes as an infant, I vaguely remember being in front of a mirror, in a dress, my mom brushing my hair the same way she did with my sister. That continued whenever no one else was around until I was about three. Then, only my sister's hand me down panties where no one would see. That stopped right after school started at 5. No more girl clothes for a couple years, and I still feel and act like a 'normal' boy.

By age 7 I am being sexually abused, told 'god made a mistake', that I was really supposed to be a girl. He dresses me in girl's clothing when he had sex with me. This goes on until I was 14, often daily for weeks on end. I'm learning to behave female, to be someone's girlfriend; and, I'm very good at it, so that could only mean one thing, right?

Age 10 I'm completely convinced I was supposed to be a girl, and even often dress as one in private in the hopes that would make god happy and he'd 'fix' me. I conveniently manage to avoid getting haircuts and have neck to shoulder length hair the vast majority of the time; it's the 'hippie' era, and no one thinks much of it. At this point, I've also initiating getting dressed as a girl when I'm by myself, and I prefer 'being a girl', but feel incredibly guilty because of it. In public, I still act like a boy, but in private, try to be a girl. Tremendous confusion.

From about age 13 on, I'm often sleeping in a bra and panties; how I never got caught, I have no idea. But as a teen, having long hair, each day I wake up and see a girl in the mirror. More confusion; but it feels kind of nice.

By age 14, my abuser is gone; I am borrowing my older sisters clothes on the sly when no one is home, and keep watch so when she discards something out of style, it becomes mine to keep. I spend many hours a week dressed and trying to learn to be a teen age girl, not sure if I'm gay, straight, transsexual, or what. But I find I'm 'uncomfortable' in boy clothes, which is odd, because I'm very attracted to girls, and find boys repulsive. So I want to make out with girls, and want to be one at the same time. Arrrrgggghhh.

As an adult, I acquire my own girl clothing. Although I age, my girl self still wants clothing from the junior's department, and I am 'stuck' in that mode. At 53 I still like wearing a cheerleader uniform, and feel most comfortable in it and other adolescent female attire. The teen age girl part of me never got to grow up, and probably never will.

I purge my girl clothes each time I get into a relationship, convinced it will enable me to remain 100% guy. But when the relationship folds, the desire to be a girl returns with a vengence, and I wind up buying all new things again.

At 34 I get married, and for the first 5 years, don't crossdress at all. But as my marriage sours, the desire to dress returns. Eventually, my wife finds out, and the marriage ends because of the crossdressing.

But after my divorce, in my 40's, I buy a wig for the first time in my life, and it takes me back to my teens when I had natural long hair. I can finally find high heels in my size, and once again, the image and feeling I have of myself is 100% female when I'm dressed up. I've come full circle.

[Tora]

Marla, Thank you for sharing. Best of luck to you and your bride.

I started with a girl when I was 5 or 6. Her toy room had a dressup box, which had a few old little dresses. Always changed into a good cow boy before going up stairs. I Loved Mom's panties, slips, anything nylon.
As a 60 year old, the internet is a pretty recent thing with reasonable info on our hobby. The wife of 37 years, mother of our two grown daughter, does not totally support. She allows nice nightgowns, panties for nights, for both of us. I never had the chance to be honest thru the years. During dating, I thought marrage would cure this. Most of my stash is off site at a storage locker.

[Veronica Nowakowski]

3 years old, my first friend is a girl. She was more tomboyish but got me to play Pretty Pretty Princess once.

10 years old, my mother, upset with my not wanting to get dressed up accidentally buys "trendy" girls pants and insists they aren't, I go to school and get taunted.

13 years old, in an idea to create my own "woman" based on Weird Science, I cut up some old clothes to dress her. I also try some on myself to see what it would be like. I begin to crossdress sometimes to have lesbian fantasies but lose the desire to be dressed once I orgasm.

23 years old, I get a friend who is open to all sorts of stuff to take me to a thrift store to get some legitimate girl's clothes for my toy, I get to dress up for real on the side

26, I get my own home and begin crossdressing without masturbation.

27, I go to a goth club to pick u p goth chicks with that same friend. Our second time going I tell her that I want to do that too, was planning for Halloween, progressed much faster than I dreamed with her unblinking acceptance. I'm here now, about to go out to an event with a bunch of people who are friendly towards it, but have no idea, tomorrow, en femme.

[Alyssa82]

where did you get your mask? which tend to be good ones? i hear http://photogenicdoll.cutegirl.jp/ is open again but pricey

9. About age 52, tried on my first mask. And Sherry was born! My CDing has moved to ever increasing levels of technical improvement and enjoyment ever since.

[Kristen Marie]

Age 5-6....dressed up in my aunt's dresses in my attic which were in storage.

Age 12....began wearing my mom's panties, slips and girdles with more regularity.

Age 13-15 ....while baby sitting, started wearing my aunt's lingerie and clothing after my nephews and nieces were asleep.

Age 15...was fascinated with my friend older sisters clothing which fit me perfectly. Began collecting (borrowing/stealing) select articles of clothing and lingerie

Age 16...bought my first garter belt and and stockings in Cambridge

Age 21...married and would frequently wear my wife's clothes which fit me quite well back then. She did not know.

Age 25....had my first makeover at Florenes Fashions and I was hooked.

Age 54...went out by myself for the first time after being closeted for 30 years

Age 57....averaging getting out 3 times a month and loving it

[PrettyFlowingGown]

Age 5 - Had wardrobe in my room full of mums clothes. She was out of space. I just stared at her clothes all the time, cause it was miles to big for me.

Age 7- Be-freinded an old lady across from my nannas, an old spinster. She was like my second mum. Started wearing her nighties to bed when it was too cold.

Age 10 - My old lady freind started to buy me nightgowns, long satin/silk nightgowns. I'd stop there every friday night until I was 17. I dressed everytime I went to see her, wore her dresses, skirts, etc. everything.

Age 17 - My lady freind died at 84 in 1990 and I was devastated. Gone was my dressing. I had no outlet at all.

Age 18-22 - Hardly dressed cause of no privacy or time to myself. Only times I got the chance was when I knew mum was away, and I'd go over her house, unlock the door and wear her clothes.

Age 23 - Moved into a bungalow on my dads property. Had some privacy, but not alot. Bought first nightgown (I was so nervous), and wore it everynight.

Age 24 - Slowly building up a little lingerie collection.

Age 25/26 - Started to get serious, which drew me constant depression, insecurity, fear, pain. Had my first gay experience with a man.

Age 27/32 - Very sad years. Wont go into them, but a few gay relationships, loneliness, alchoholism to cover my insecurities.

Age 33- Met a lady on the internet interstate interested in a CD friend. Met her. I moved interstate 4 months later.

Age 33/Present - Been sober 4 years, dont drink, dress everyday, very happy, gone full circle. I go out dressed up once a month. Have'nt had fear, insecurities, depression for 4 years. Have 5 close friends who love me and accept me as I am. Mum accepts me, and she comes up once a year, and I dress in her prescence. Life is full circle.

[Sara Jessica]

Wow, this has been quite the read.

So here's my "timeline", something that is well engrained in my mind but I've never put down in writing. I hope I have the strength to hit "submit reply" when this is done.

Earliest memories - Likely around age 3-4, knowing something is not right with my gender. I recall many-a-night going to bed and after my mom would say the "now I lay me down to sleep" prayer, I'd secretly pray to wake the next morning a little girl. And my mind took it a step further in imagining being welcomed with open arms as a daughter. During this time I barely remember some fleeting dressing episodes, even kind of remember being caught once. But one thing sticks out, for whatever reason I knew this was something not to be talked about, perhaps from being caught even though I don't really recall what the reaction was.

5-ish - Had pretty much an equal number of friends of both genders. But with the girls, it was all about playing "house" and I was always "the little girl". Imagine that?

8 to 15-ish - I grow up as an only child and a latchkey one at that from about 4th grade on. Opportunities to play dress-up are beyond frequent and for the longest time, most/all of my mom's clothes fit me perfectly. I'd lay out my lingere (bra, slip, pantyhose) and usually a dress of some sort and just cherish the entire ritual a girl/woman goes through to get ready for the day and would spend hours and hours in "girl mode". Dabble a little in makeup as well.

15-ish - First close death in the family, my grandfather. I tell myself he can see how I'm behaving and I try to stop. This probably lasted all of a week or so.

16-17 - First long-term girlfriend. Wow, another girl's clothes to wear!!!

College part one - Second long-term girlfriend. I pulled the Halloween deception, that it'd be fun to be a girl. Well that part is true but admittedly, I manipulated this into dressing quite often when I was with her. I say manipulated because that's what I did with the situation but at the end of the day, she was a very willing participant. Lots of makeup practice during this time, still no hair though. And her later having a room mate who was at the time a fairly prominent fashion model didn't hurt as she wore my exact shoe size!!! No going out and about yet except for three Halloweens in a row.

College part two - Met the girl of my dreams who would become my wife. I disclosed to her the "dressing" thing early in our relationship. She was rather lukewarm but would indulge me on occasion. In the meantime, being in the late-80's and all that, I scour the college library for any insight into who or what I am. All I get are clinical descriptions from psychological journals and textbooks. I think I'm utterly alone. I further repress any thought that transition could be for me based on what I read.

Marriage - She knows of my little stash of clothes. I had already gone out a little by this time and I am also able to buy a little dressing time at home when we're together. But soon thereafter, I am diagnosed with cancer and there was a turning point that I remember. In the early part of my treatment, I remember being dressed when my wife came home early from work unexpectedly. I remember for the first time feeling shame for some reason and while my treatment intensified to the point where dressing was the furthest thing from my mind, I recall pretty much avoiding dressing around her even after my recovery.

Mid-1990's - Start going out more. Discovering my first couple TG boutiques, being absolutely horrified at what I saw. Obtained my first hair at a local wig shop. Started attending various support groups in SoCal (PPOC, Born Free & Neutral Corner). Purposely avoid CHIC and Tri-Ess because I knew deep in my heart these groups had little to offer me and that I wasn't what they were looking for as well. Did the mall thing here and there but had a very safe destination in an upscale consignment shop owned by a girl who happened to be about my age. She even happened to have a makeup artistry background in television if I recall correct. We became good friends (no, I never strayed a bit from my wife with her) until she closed the shop in 1997. I guess this is where I cultivated my fashionista tendencies!!!

1997 to 2004 - Wasn't really a conscious decision but with the birth of my first child and the closing of the consignment shop, I really didn't go out much, if at all during this period. This also corresponded with the rise of the internet so I was able to learn much more about myself during this time.

2005-ish - For some reason I started going out again. Found Countessa's Closet in LA, a TG boutique that was elegant and classy, none of the stuff that scared me about the boutiques I discovered earlier. Purchased my first breast forms from her. Whle I had always been confident before, I was now becoming polished and going out more frequently.

Holiday season 2006 - Out of the blue I decided to contact one of my old support groups, Neutral Corner in SD. They said "come on down" and I attended their holiday meeting. Long story shorter, I met my friend Kim who has been such a dear friend ever since. We are like-minded and have had very similar life experiences.

2007 - Confession to my wife that this has never been a dressing thing. I tell her more of my history and that in my heart of hearts I have always been a woman. I'm feeling myself give in to a real possiblity that transition could be in my future. She is devestated to say the least as we can envision the life we built for our family crashing down around us.

2008 - Another dear friend who was transitioning inspires me though words an her experiences to take stock in what I have which led me to my current situation.

I am not likely to entertain a full time transition. This is for the sake of my family and the life we have built together. This is out of the love I have for my dear wife and my wonderful children. This is something I must cope with each and every day but I know deep down inside it is the best decision. I have heard many comments about the bravery it takes for one to be authentic to her being and pursue transition, yet I was told the other day by a woman who owns a clothing boutique I recently discovered that my decision is just as brave. I had never really thought if it that way but I can see why she would say that. I may be judged by some of those who transition that I'm just playing at being a woman, trying to have it both ways or whatever. My response is that I am doing the best I am able given the cards I have been dealt, including many I have pulled from the deck myself. There is little question that if the internet resources were around when I was in college that I'd have moved towards transition then. But I don't look back with regret because had I taken that road, I wouldn't have my family which I love so dearly.

A woman is not defined by her appearance. It is what's in her heart. I know what I am in my heart and I know my other persona exhibits this as well. All I can do is take things as they come, cherish my family, pray for peace in my heart and try to be the best I am able when I have an opportunity to be myself.

In the meantime, there are countless experiences during this renaissance period that I am still in the midst of which I cannot go through here. Let's just say that the ride has been amazing, I've made some great friends, had some wonderful experiences and life at home has settled back to a very normal state (as normal as dealing with something like this can be, I suppose).
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Gotta run, no time to really proof this so I may edit it later. Honestly though, writing often is a cathartic exercise but this one has me feeling like an emotional wreck right now. Not sure why, not even sure if this is a bad thing. But again, my thanks to Marla for coming up with such an intriguing thread.

[StaceyJane]

0-10 Didn't ever wear any girl's clothes but I knew that I wanted to be a girl.

11-17 Began to explore my mother's closet. I discovered how wonderful it felt to dress up as a girl. My mom even had a wig I would wear.
I was very confused as a teenager. Deep inside I knew I wanted to be a girl but I couldn't express this feeling to anyone. I also first heard about sex-changes and was fascinated by the idea.

18-22 College. No time to dress. lead a pretty nornmal life.

23-26 Living on my own. I only had a few female items to wear. For the first time I thought about becoming a woman.

27 Joined to army to be a real man.

30-34 Discovered the online TG community. There really were people just like me out there.

34 First girlfriend. Also the first time I ever had sex.
Bought a sexy leather skirt in Korea for myself. Met with a memeber of a local TG support group but was not able to go to any meeting due to work. Had one phone session with a therapist. Never had another because I didn't want to discuss coming out.

35 Found a woman I really love and got married. Purged everything I had the week before my wedding. Started to secretly wear her clothes.

37-38 Spent a year in Iraq. No crossdressing there or any contact with any online groups. I told myself I was wearing women's clothes because over there the fmale soldiers and the male soldiers wear the same thing.

39 Left the army. Started to dress more often when home alone.

42 Started regular online therapy with a therapist I really liked. Started dressing more regularly. Bought a skirt from Kmart and even pantyhose from the grocery store.

43 My first Dress Barn outfit. I love it and am wearing it right now. Stopped therapy because of money issues. Trying to figure out if I can be happy as a male.

Today, just like I started, wishing I was a girl.

[VeronicaMoonlit]

Finally got around to posting my own "transgender career path", sorry it took so long, Marla.

Yea, in the old ages of the world there was a young boy who would become known among her people as VeronicaMoonlit.

I was a "sensitive" boy, easily upset, and got a LOT of teasing as a "sissy" and "crybaby". Even in kindergarten. I cannot remember much of first grade at all except being bullied.

Then we moved, and I had no friends at all. The only people who would play with me were girls but there were even a few girl bullies. Things got a little better in 3rd grade and 4th grade. Even back then I was a fashionista who paid attention to what my teachers wore.

Then came 5th grade and 6th grade. (10 and 11 years old) I don't remember when exactly I when I started crossdressing in 5th grade. My best guess is the fall of 1977. , but I was doing it more regularly in sixth grade I know. I don't remember the first things I wore, I really don't. I crossdressed when the rest of the family was away. They trusted me alone, so I could say that I didn't want to go on grocery shopping trips or whatnot and since we lived in a rural area, that would mean I had time.

It also meant I got paranoid about hearing the car in the driveway and my sister noticing her stuff had been touched. I double checked, triple checked and quadruple checked and tried to put everything exactly in the exact same position, even including things like buttons or the way a collar or sleeve was placed in the closet. I remember filling the bra with rolled up socks and I do remember trying out a Dolly Parton style bustline a few times.

I wore my sisters stuff, not my mom's, because my mom was tiny (and got tinier as her disabling arthritis spread through her body).

I remember wearing a pink button down shirt with a lovely creamy white wool/angora fair isle sweater with some dressy pants and loafers. Yeah, I wanted to be a late 70's early to mid 80's preppy girl. I remember wearing my sisters brownie and girl scout uniforms, I remember wearing her dresses, and I remember playing with her dolls. As she got older I messed with her makeup but she didn't have a lot because she wasn't really into it, and wore her perfume. The first I wore was "Love's Baby Soft"

I remember wanting to be one of the girls and do things with them. When my sister had her friends over I tried to be around them as much as I could, but that annoyed my sister and she got angry sometimes. But she didn't know, she says if she did she would have been different. I wanted to go to mother/daughter events, I wanted to have special days with mom just like my sister did. I just wanted to be a normal girl you know? I tried learn as much as I could, I read my sisters magazines: Teen Beat, YM, Seventeen.

5th and 6th grade were also hell for me bully wise. Locker rooms. In 5th grade is where we started wearing gym uniforms. And we had to share lockers. I'd find my stuff put in the shower room (which we didn't use) or up high where I couldn't reach it. I had stuff snatched away from me, and kept away from me, or hid. I had Right Guard sprayed in my face. It was constant. "midget" "shrimp" "sissy". It extended to the schooyard too, even people I thought were friends joined in some. I was pushed, sat on, laughed at, you name it.

And I wanted to be a girl.

Well things on the bully side tapered off in 7th grade but came back a bit in 8th grade. But that's when I began retaliating. I directly called one bullies parents to tell him what his kids had been doing (the bullies brother and sister were in on it too) another I got mad enough to grab his arm, pin him to a wall and threaten to break his ****ing arms if he ever messed with me again. He was a football player wannabe, even then being scouted. I told him that he may be bigger than me and stronger, but he was slow and stupid and that I knew which joints and pressure points were the most vulnerable (I had learned a bit of first aid) and then I moved his arm in a not so nice way.

And then after he was gone, I cried, I didn't want to hurt him, I just wanted it to stop. I was just so tired of the constant bullying. Some girl came by and took me into the girls bathroom with her to calm down in a safe and private space.

The bullying continued on in Freshman year of high school, I was thrown into girls bathrooms then the door held shut, my locker was ravaged (mine had a lock that didn't work well) and there was some locker room stuff (by other Freshmen) I got annoyed enough to curse out loud to people by my locker and ask if anyone knew who did it. I eventually asked for a different one. A few Senior girls kind of "adopted" me and talked to me and treated me nice and eventually some of the Senior boys put an end to the locker room stuff. One of the people that was really awful was my Freshman gym teacher, who actually said to me "maybe you should go to a doctor to see why you're so small and sick all the time." That really pissed me off.

"I'm not sick all the time, I had the flu and then I had to go have an operation for unrelated stuff that's why I was gone. I'm small because my parents are small, we go to the same church, you know they're short. What the **** are you saying this for? You know all this, you big dumb ****ing stupid jock." And then I left the office. Soon after I had a talk with the guidance counselor about the teacher. Telling him, that the gym teacher was an idiot big dumb jock who wasn't really cut out for teaching (and listing things the teacher had done) and should be instead be some kind of backslapping insurance salesman or something. That teacher lasted one more year...and eventually went into insurance.

I was crossdressing too, as much as I could. Trying to emulate the looks of the girls. especially the preppy girls. I even tried on my mom's beautiful wedding dress: http://www.flickr.com/photos/cronocl...7617839499104/ but it was too small. It was around this time I saw my first real crossdresser on TV, transsexuals too. Was Donahue I think, which means I owe Phil a lot. Well anyway, once I figured out there were others like me, I tried my best to catch as many talk shows about them as possible... a bit hard with only one TV. I learned that TS's were attracted to men, had known they wanted to be girls ever since they were like babies, and were super girly girls who liked sewing and keeping house. That's what the media said then. So I decided I was a crossdresser, since I wanted a girlfriend, didn't know since I was 3 or 4, and was a nerd. Boy was I clueless.

Anyway the rest of high school went pretty well. Sure I was a nerd with no social life, but I wasn't bullied anymore. And I was smart, super smart. Wanna know who was the best scholastic bowl player my school had ever seen? It's me, and since my school eventually consolidated, it probably still is me. So me being smart, I could go to college and help lift my family up out of poverty, yay!

Wrong. College was all wrong, I felt wrong, I didn't fit and I didn't take any crossdressing stuff with me, I couldn't since it was all my sisters. I was also too chicken to get my own stuff. To put it charitably, I went crazy. I spent hours talking to myself, or walking around aimlessly, or playing Rogue in the PC Lab. During this period, a picture of women's shoes with a heart on them was placed on my dorm room door. My roomie asked me what it was about. I was mortified, and couldn't say anything. You can guess I flunked out. I was so ashamed and couldn't tell my family why, couldn't explain it, and I basically sunk into a 10 year long depression. I had a series of dead end jobs and as my mothers disability became worse I became her caretaker.

I bought my first stuff in 1987 or 1988, I think it was makeup, though I don't remember well. I do remember the nasty look the checkout clerk gave me. It was around 87 that I shoplifted for the first and only time. I felt bad about it and never did it again.

So I was depressed and living with my parents, and crossdressed at night. I was felt horrible, alone, sad. Well, we moved in late 91 early 92, and shortly thereafter, I came out to my sister. I had to, I was going crazy, I needed to tell someone. She was okay with it for the most part, though very very upset that I had been in her things. I told my mom shortly later, and the next year, Dad.

I then visited the university library to learn more about this thing of ours. I read everything, Stoller, Money, Bem, you name it. I read books on makeup, on fashion, everything. I began reading the guides to periodical literature and books in print to see what was there. I even requested a few via interlibrary loan, I specifically remember doing so for the Peggy Rudd books.

That's also when I began growing my hair., by 1997 things were getting better for me. In 1996 my mother and sister had even given me a book, "The Man in the Red Velvet Dress" by JJ Allen. It had resources in the back and I made my first contact with Tri-Ess, but decided not to join because it was so far away and I didn't see anyone as young as me (and unmarried) described in their membership materials. Miss Vera's first informercial style book also discussed the Internet which I realized would give me more info and people to talk to.

Got on the net in March of 99 and it didn't take long for me to create an identity and email address. I wanted to be Veronica_by_Moonlight but that was too long, so I shortened it to the form I still use today. I was @webtv.net then, but had access to the USENET trans groups and the wonderful fashion/makeup resource alt.fashion (AF) and IRC. Now that was a waker-upper, finding out that there were lesbian MTF TS's and nerdy MTF TS's. That was pretty much when I figured out I was a TS, but I didn't admit it, because I felt I'd never have the resources to do it. And I didn't want to cause any trouble to my family, since I'd caused problems enough due to flunking out and the "dark times". I spent a lot a time in women's and lesbian IRC channels since that's where I felt most at "home".

As I had more money I began shopping more and getting some nicer things, which I needed because I finally joined Tri-Ess. I knew that Tri-Ess wasn't really for me and I kinda lied and said I had no intention of transitioning. I joined Tri-Ess rather than CGS because CGS's meeting times were simply not convenient for me to attend.

Well at Tri-Ess everyone assumed I was a TS, I kept getting asked how long I'd been on hormones and people saying "you're a TS, Veronica, right?" And then giving me weird looks when I said I wasn't. I still wonder why they thought that. It was during my Tri-Ess period that I made my first visit to MAC and Sephora at Oak Brook Center near Chicago.

I quit Tri-Ess in 2004, I got tired of the national leadership being idiots and not doing things to grow the organization and ignoring the younger and single membership. And well since if you're not a member of national you can't attend more than a couple of meetings of local groups, I was out.

2004 had some bad financial times for me, I was out of work for a long time and I'm still feeling the effects of that, which is why I haven't bought any pretty shoes since 2005 (and those were women's skechers).

That was when I heard about the book My Husband Betty, and joined those forums, and read the book. I joined here a year later. I was an OP in a lesbian IRC channel about that time too, but I felt guilty about that since I wasn't transitioning, but wanted to, so I left the IRC channel and started calling myself a CD again. But I was lying, and I knew it. I still miss my friends from that channel, the channel is defunct now. I worry that me leaving as one of the few regular ops contributed to people leaving.

mHB eventually led me to admitting I'm a TS, and that I want to transition, and did lead to me telling my mother and sister that. I'm glad I was able to tell my mom that before she died this year, but I don't think I ever told her my femme name. I wanted to become a daughter she could be proud of, even though I knew she was a bit disappointed that I never dated or got married and gave her grandkids. She bought me Jenny Boylan's book, "She's Not There." We were talking once and watching TV and I saw the kind of bedroom I'd always wanted as a kid, the stereotypically girly bedroom with the canopy bed and ballerina wallpaper and lots of florals and pink. She asked me why I'd never said anything, that she would have tried to help me if she had known. I said that I was too scared and didn't know, and was afraid of what her and Dad might do. Like kick me out of the house to live on the streets or something. Or beat me so bad I'd never want to dress again. I was just a kid, just some little boy who wanted ballet lessons and piano lessons and wanted to be a girl.

And now I'm 42, and I feel like it's to late for me, and I have many regrets, the biggest one is flunking out of college. If I had finished, I'd have more resources and be able to bankroll a transition.

I don't go regularly out of the house en femme anymore, though I have encorporated limited elements in my day to day wardrobe, but I live as a guy. I don't want to, but things are what they are.

And maybe, someday, I'll be a woman, the kind of woman my mom (and sister) will be proud to call a woman.

Veronica
Rondelle (Ron) Rogers Jr.

[Ballerina]

Age 1-5: Not much to do with cding, but did rather play differently than most boys

Age 6: Sister put lipstick on me. Didn't think much of it.

Age 10: Make-believe game with my cousin gets me thinking about being a girl. Fantasize about ballet attire and pantyhose

Age 12: Steal my first dress. Was excited and confused all the same, but I know I wanted more. Childhood began adding up to being more than just a boy.

Age 18: Find bra from my cousin after she moved and snatched it almost instinctively. Later found tights and shirts. Wore them in secretly and often. Also would steal the wedding dress out of our closet and wear that often, but not as much.

Age 20: Purged because of my GF moving in.

Age 23: Came out to my GF before getting back together. She has been accepting all the way. Also joined the forums and began to accept myself.

Age 24: Finally accepting of myself. I enjoy the fact that I am "weird", and will have fun doing so. No clothing, and still in the closet to everyone, but I know that my CDing is real, and is something that I am going to cherish for the rest of my life.

[Faith_G]

3-5 My older sister would play "dress-up" with me from time to time, when my younger sisters got old enough to play I was nudged out.

7- I try on pantyhose, am hooked! Also discover how to tuck and ascend my testicles, it makes me "feel like a girl."

7-8 Try on anything feminine I can get my hands on, steal anything I don't think will be missed. Play with makeup, use Go-Jo and Lava soap to get it off - damn that stings!

8 - Mom catches me and freaks out. "Abomination before the Lord" and all that. One of the defining moments of my life, and definitely the defining moment in our relationship. I quit for a while here.

9-11 Play "hide the stash" with Mom. It gets to be like "Stalag 13" with clever hiding places and surprise inspections. Around age 10 Mom decides I need to see a psychiatrist, he is pretty cool and tells Mom I'm OK. Mom does not like that answer but it buys me some space for a while.

12- What is this sex thing? Always the seeker of good information and knowing that my friends are full of crap, I begin listening to a late-night sex advice radio show. Wasn't Dr. Ruth, I can't recall the name of the lady. One night a Tri-S booster is the guest. I am blown away! I'm not a lone freak, there are others like me! Around this time dressing becomes somewhat of a turn-on and I begin masturbating while dressed. Not the "standard" method, though - through pressure while tucked. Begin using feminine napkins to keep my undies clean.

13- Mom takes me to a "Christian therapist." I don't like the questions he's asking, so I evade, stonewall, and lie my way through the session. I refuse to go back for the next session, and am AWOL at appointment time.

13-19 Uneasy truce with Mom. As long as nothing is disturbed or turns up missing. Stash gets found several times but is rebuilt through theft. Massive self esteem issues prevent serious relationships with girls.

20-25 I realize I have a job and make money - I could buy this stuff and get what I want without stealing. Still living with my parents, dressing late at night in my room. Dressing sessions end in masturbation and guilt. I begin sneaking out for dressed drives when they are away. I grow a big beard to prove I'm a man. Massive self esteem issues prevent serious relationships with girls.

25-26 Move in with granddad to care for him while he dies of cancer. Dress late at night to stay sane. Discover mail-order. Masturbation dies away.

26-30 Massive self esteem issues prevent serious relationships with girls. Living with my brother's family, helping him remodel his house and paying most of the bills, still in the closet and dressing only when nobody is around. Develop internet tranny porn addiction to compensate.

30 Same as above but recognize and deal with the porn addiction. Food and underdressing helped with that. Discover online clothing shopping and Mailboxes Etc. address. Did I mention massive self esteem issues prevent serious relationships with girls?

32-33 Mom gets cancer and dies. I was too weak to talk openly with her about our unresolved issues. Massive grief and guilt. I peak at 285 lbs.

35 Find this site. Pink fog hits. Decide to come out to my brother and his wife. She pitches fit like HE's the one dressing, I am thrown out of the house I worked on for almost 10 years. Shave beard and body hair, get really serious about losing weight. Come out to rest of the family, they are mostly OK with it except Dad who does not want to discuss it - and that's OK too.

36-present Best time of my life so far. I am a guy at work and a girl at home - now I just gotta find me a girl who is cool with that. 120 lbs lighter than my peak weight and stable for more than a year. Still got some self esteem issues but I am more aware of them and working on them. Still in the closet except to family and one friend. Getting back into makeup.

[Sara Jessica]

Veronica, what a moving story. I'm especially touched by the paragraph at the end where you are talking with your mother.

She asked me why I'd never said anything, that she would have tried to help me if she had known. I said that I was too scared and didn't know, and was afraid of what her and Dad might do. Like kick me out of the house to live on the streets or something. Or beat me so bad I'd never want to dress again. I was just a kid, just some little boy who wanted ballet lessons and piano lessons and wanted to be a girl.

OK, not touched, seriously misty right now. I'm still baffled as to how an innocent child knows to keep this quiet. The child in me is ever-present though, those vivid memories of knowing I should have been born a little girl, they never go away.

And now I'm 42, and I feel like it's to late for me, and I have many regrets, the biggest one is flunking out of college. If I had finished, I'd have more resources and be able to bankroll a transition.

We're the same age Veronica. It's not too late for you. Your life situation as you describe is such that you can pursue your dream.

I don't go regularly out of the house en femme anymore...

You should .

And maybe, someday, I'll be a woman, the kind of woman my mom (and sister) will be proud to call a woman.

You are already a woman, just one who hasn't had a chance to completely blossom to her fullest potential yet. I hope you achieve your goal and please know that I'm proud to call you a dear friend .

[AmandaM]

Age 3-4: Fantasy play involves being changed into a girl magically and living with other girls and being happy.
Age 5-9: Dressing in sister's panties and dresses.
Age 10-12: Engaged in "exploration" with a male friend. Not cding related, but comes into play at age 21.
Age 12: Begin dressing in sister's and mom's clothes every chance I get.
Age 13: Watch a neighbor's house while they were on vacation for two weeks. Dressed in her clothes everyday and pretended I was her (she was really cute).
Age 14-15: Dress in friend's mom's clothes whenever I get the chance. Stole some panties I had to have.
Age 16: Babysat for neighbor, and again dressed in her clothes.
Age 17: Lost my you know what to GG. Course it snowballed from here. Didn't stop my crossdressing. I think it accelerated it in certain respects, especially giving me access to clothes.
Age 18-19: Dressed in girlfriend's and her sister's clothes. She participated in somewhat, er, kinky stuff associated with cding. Her sister didn't know.
Age 21: First time out in public. Went to gay bar to find out if I was gay. I wasn't.
Age 22-24: Pilfered various girlfriend's or their sister's clothes when given the chance.
Age 25-29: Stop pilfering, started buying for the first time. Went out in public. Girlfriend is now my wife. She somewhat participates, buys me clothes, allows me to dresss anytime.
Age 30-now: Haven't gone out in public but still dress as much as possible. I maintain two wardrobes freely.

[jacques]

My Transvestite "career path"

Hello All

When I was about eight I wanted to be like my hero Robin Hood, so I wore my younger sister's thick coloured tights, secretly.

When I was about twelve or thirteen I wore my sister's sheer tights and my mother's. I sometimes slept in them. I tried on my mother's bra.

When I was at college, away from home in a room of my own, I did not crossderss.

Soon after I married and after my first child was born I had a terrible craving to wear tights. I eventually got drunk and told my wife. She let me wear tights in bed. I still guilt very guilty about it. I could not buy my own so my wife had to shop for me. Often she would have to tell me to wear the tights - a silly game but it took away the guilt.

Eventually I would under-dress on some evenings and weekends. I would also wear stockings and panties. I started to shop for my own lingerie.

When my children went off to college I started to wear nighties in bed. When they came home I continued but had to be more careful.

Now the children have left home I dress in skirts or shorts and women's shoes in the evenings. My wife does not mind. I still feel guilty and do not know where the limits of her tolerance are. I also often under-dress at weekends.

I still love to shop. But my wife does not like to shop with me when I am doing my 'special shopping'.

I am getting to be less careful, and think that some friends and work colleagues suspect something. I would not deny it if asked - for me it is something I do in private, not in secret (if you understand what I mean).

Love to you all and thanks for all your help and friendship.

Jacques Hughes

[sherri52]

Age 5 used as a model for my mother to make clothes for girls less fortunate (hated it)

Age 7 started wearing my mothers bra's and heels

Age 8 started wearing my sisters dresses (she was six)

Age 12 dressed for halloween to impress a girl (it did) starting liking it alot

Age 14 would go into houses where people moved and dress there for hours. Sometimes I
even found dresses there

Age 17 went into the army and dressing stopped until I got out. didn't stop the thinking
just the dressing.

Age 18 Got married while in the Army

Age 20 Two children now, dressing started right up.

Age 24 Four children now and wife finds out about my dressing. Throws away all of
my femme clothes. Didn't work the way she expected.

Age 32 Six children now and wife has filed for divorced. I give it to her.

Age 36 Remarry wife knows about dressing before we get married

Age 40 one child with this wife and started fighting over dressing

Age 42 two children now

Age 43 fighting never stopped getting another divorce. I moved to Fl from Ma.

Age 45 Meet a girl in Fl. that excepts my dressing. Four years together but she still
hadn't gotten a divorce from her husband. We went seperate ways.

Age 50 Started growing in my dressing and now fear nothing except losing the
business because of it

Age 54 Moved to Kentucky and then Ohio

Age 57 Here I Am enjoying this site with all of you ladies. No So as yet