Hey all, I'm new to the boards, and the reason I joined was actually to find some help. This might be a wall of text, if so I apologize in advance.
About a week ago I "came out" on another forum I frequent. (Came out as in I told them about being a CD.) It was the first time I had ever told anyone in my entire life. For those who don't know and didn't see my introduction thread in the new members area I am 24 years old. I have been dressing since I was 11.
I've dealt with a lot in my life, and I'm not trying to say you guys haven't or that my experiences are worse or anything like that. This isn't a competition or anything, trust me. When I was 17 I struggled with cancer. And even though I am in remission I have found myself "stuck", and I think going through cancer is somehow responsible. I have no ambition in me. I'm lazy, jobless, partnerless, and living with my grandma.
And just recently I've been wanting to dress more and more. But I have to do it secretively. Where I live I simply would not be accepted. Not possible. And I realize that I never really have to tell anyone, but I'm envious of those who can be accepted for doing something that I feel ashamed of. If that even makes any sense, which I'm pretty sure it doesn't in the least.
I feel like it is perverted, and I don't understand why I have the urge to do it. Does anyone here know why this happens? And can I quit even though I've tried to numerous times and failed? I'm perfectly fine being a guy, but I still indulge in imagining how my life would be as a woman. I just feel...dirty...for being like this. And I'm not trying to belittle or make fun of anyone who enjoys this. I have nothing against it. I just don't understand why I do it.
Oiy. I'm really wanting to find something to read about this condition. Why it happens, theories on why it exists... Is there anything out there like that?
In closing, it is nice to meet you all!
-Steven