please help--found out my boyfriend is into crossdressing

[notsurewhattodo]

hey everyone! so i joined this site bc i found my boyfriend was looking at it and it actually seems really interesting.

i recently discovered a bodystocking and pair of stockings in his closet when i was putting stuff away a few weeks ago. assuming they were his ex's (from 3 yrs ago) i was angry and confronted him about having them still. he responded saying that he bought them a while back but no woman he ever worn them. kinda weird.. but didnt think much of it and i threw them away bc i didnt want that stuff around if it was from his past. he didnt fight me which i also thought was strange.

i was on his computer not too long after that and started seeing strange sites--alternative lifestyle sites and a lottt of crossdressing sites/pictures. i know hes very into stockings/lingerie/dress up when it comes to me but why would he be looking at this stuff? ultimately ive figured out that he's into crossdressing or dressing in lingerie. at least the thought of it.

i dont know what to do not (hence the username). im actually fine with it. im a pretty open person both sexually and in every day life but i dont know how to approach the situation. should i bring it up? should i let it go?its been on my mind since i figured it out but i cant seem to get myself to say it mostly bc i dont know how and i dont know how he'll react. i dnt want him to think im invading his privacy but at the same time i want him to be able to open up to me and tell me anything. i think we have a really open and honest relationship besdies this one particular topic...

also, is it common for heterosexual men who are into crossdressing/lingerie to look at other men in lingerie online? not sure how i should feel about that.

i took this as a shock bc hes veryyy masculine. overly masculine perhaps but a true gentlemen and loves women. i guess im just confused and need a little advice and comfort at this time.

thanks for listening and any help you can give!

[DonnaT]

If you want to ease your mind, then bring it up.

Make no accusations.

Once he realizes you are OK with it, then discuss his viewing of the men in lingerie. Is it common? Don't know about common, but it is known to occur frequently.

He may clam up completely, however. That's been known to occur also. Too much embarrassment, guilt, etc. to deal with.

Welcome to the forum.

[giuseppina]

...

Make no accusations.
...

Judging is a big turn-off as well.

There is a post by Marla GG in the Loved Ones section entitled Now I like it, Now I don't.

There is also a private GG forum which we CDs don't have access to. You need 10 posts and an invitation. Details : http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...f#faq_gg_forum

Cheers
Giuseppina

[cd_jamie]

welcome to the forum. I am probly not the best one to be handing out advice since i am in the closet with my dressing. we all look at the pictures of the other"ladies" and will leave our comments. sure you will have questions about finding the items in his closet he may admit to you he is dressing and maybe he wont. most CD are strait so there is little chance of him being gay or bi. there is much info here on this site you can read.

[Barbara Jo]

I can tell you that the first few times I was confronted with my CD by those close to me, I "clammed up" due to me being extremely embarassed and scared by the thought of someone knowing.

You first have to decide it you are OK with his CD and then act acordingly.

If you decide to be supportive, I suspect that he will be very grateful.

[Catherine in Colo]

Hi, and welcome

First, you should probably be prepared to talk with him sooner rather than later and let him know you know. If you found this site because you know he reads it, then it's a good bet he'll see your post sooner or later and realize you know. Better to to talk to him up front and show your support as best you can based on your comfort level than to let him find out by seeing your post here. He'll be embarassed, but just knowing that you're not ready to run screaming from the room will be a great relief for him, and a good start to some helpful conversations.

As for him looking at sites of men in lingerie, I wouldn't be too worried about that just yet. It's more than likely he's trying to find men who are like him so that he doesn't feel alone. But don't be surprised if he can't articulate his feelings or actions very well, so don't be looking for clear and final answers on day one. This will be awkward for both of you, so take it slow. And everyone is here to help both of you!

Hope this helps, and good luck!

[tiffanytrapt19]

I agree, tell him and let him know that you are ok with it, and above all let him know u DON'T think he's wierd, you have no idea how nice that is to hear from your significant other. Trust, gain his trust and he'll open up

[raleighbelle]

I just wanted to mention that although there are many photos of people dressed up on this site, the vast majority of us do not look at them or put them on the site to arouse or excite each other, but to show what we can do and to relate to each other as we go through all this. For many, it is also the only place they can actually dress up and be accepted or have other people see them dressed, and still maintain some anonymity and not have job or family or social repercussions for doing so. A major value of this site is to see that we are not completely alone in the crossdressing, or gender issues for some, which is how I think most of us felt for many years before coming across this forum. I think you will learn a lot on this site and see that it is not just for the crossdressers but also for their significant others as well. Welcome.

[Levea]

From a fellow GG- talk to him. Nothing can be helped until everyones cards are on the table. Try to avoid talking to him in public places about it until you know how he feels and remember to tell him you dont mind! ( if you truely dont) Let him know its ok and he would be more willing to share with you!

i took this as a shock bc hes veryyy masculine. overly masculine perhaps but a true gentlemen and loves women.

And this ^ maybe an indicator of CDing. When my SO would try and shut off that part of her, she would turn into some over macho istic man! not saying that this is ALWAYS a major factor, but personally it is. good luck and we are always here for u

[Sophia de la luz]

Have a dress up sex date with him, on your suggestion. Explore it for yourself, what it's like to have your partner in various attire. Check out wearing men's clothes. Have fun. Once you open the door, sometimes a little time is necessary to air things out. So, relax and give it some time, and more importantly, some love.

[Sandra]

You really need to talk to him and explain how you feel, he will probably be embarassed and scared but you need to reassure him.

Have a dress up sex date with him, on your suggestion. Explore it for yourself, what it's like to have your partner in various attire. Check out wearing men's clothes. Have fun. Once you open the door, sometimes a little time is necessary to air things out. So, relax and give it some time, and more importantly, some love.

Oh yeah good advice...NOT....they need to talk first not play games.

[SheriM]

I think that you should buy him some nice panties and perhaps some pantyhose. He will likely be very excited that you are OK with something that he likes but is afraid to be open about. Let it happen from there.
Sheri

[NicoleScott]

Married, and she didn't know yet. There was something on TV about crossdressing, and she made a comment, to which I said something like "harmless fun, nothing wrong with it". As the conversation progressed, I sensed she saw it that way, too. It seemed that both of us became comfortable with it, and when she asked if I had ever dressed up, I said yes I had. She asked if I enjoyed it and still wanted to dress up, and if so, DO IT!!
We kept talking about it, and I disclosed everything I like, and she was cool with it all, and encouraged me to buy things I wanted. I can now dress up at home, and she sometimes takes photos for me. She accepts, supports, and even encourages my crossdressing, even those aspects that are fetish-driven (high heels, deep red lipstick, heavy makeup, long & thick eyelashes).
So, consider using some kind of opening to explore his thoughts. It could be a TV report about a crossdresser, Halloween costume, pantyhose commercial, magazine article, etc.

[suchacutie]

Hi and welcome. I'm sure you already see that the number of possiblities of what your bf might be thinking is huge! So, let's analyze a bit.

What do we know:

We know he hasn't been comfortable enough to open up totally to you. This is pretty normal as most people Never open up about their deepest erotic/personal feelings. The fact that you are on the verge of this conversation is so very positive.

We know he is interested in lingerie. This could be fetish or this could be his subtle way of leading toward a discussion about his feminine self.

We don't know much more, i.e. is he CD or a fetishist? hetero or bi-curious?

Let me point out that there are many of us (me included) who are committed masculine beings, completely heterosexual, and completely driven to understand the feminine creature that lurks within us. It's scary to have been so masculine for a period of time and sudden find ourselves staring in a mirror to see a feminine being staring back at us! It's also scary socially, it's scary for family issues, it's scary for how you as his gf will respond, etc...and yet it cannot be denied. That's the point everyone is making that he may just clam up for a while, but his "she" will be back if you are patient.

So, what's the process. Besides saying only you can know, the more you understand the terribly complex dynamics involved in this very personal issue of his, the better you can approach it. If I were to approach it, I would try to separate out the big issues...hetero vs. bi, CD vs. fetishist.

So, how? You know him so you can probably tell when you might ask him to wear your stockings, or other pieces of lingerie...maybe when you are intimate. You might get him to talk about it in a particular moment. Letting him know you are interested, maybe even excited, interested in more, interested in knowing everything about him, sharing your own privacies...

It's a delicate road, but then again all interpersonal relationships are delicate. If he is a heterosexual CD, what you have in your bf is someone who will understand you like no male you've ever been with. We who want to understand our feminine selves will need help and will need to understand what we never learned growing up....how to be a girl! Bottom line, he really needs your help and I venture that he will repay that help with a loving that could easily last a lifetime!

stay in touch and all our best!

tina

[Stephanie Michelle]

There is no right or wrong to your situation. Each one of us had an experience and can only tell you how we and our SO handed it. You are well past most of the SO's in that you are willing to explore and except this side of your BF. You know your BF we don't. Just be open and honest with him and let him tell you in his own time.

He also could be worried about your reaction because of his experience with his ex-wife. Good luck and if you ever need anybody to talk to we are all here.

Stephanie Michelle

[mskanuchi]

Accept him for who he is, replace the things you threw out, buy him something you would like to see him in, just don't go overboard. You may find that you will have things about you, something he probably dosen't care for, he will accept also. Talking about deep feelings is a lot more productive. There are some excellent responses to this thread, my wife will get a lot from this, thanks for asking.

[Joni T]

It COULD be a lot worse. Look at the bright side...............he's not a robber, rapist or pedophile.

[KayC]

Comparing your situation to someone who has it worse is usually of little value in reconciling it. That's like saying to the spouse of an alcoholic, "well at least he doesn't beat you!" Or to the person who just became a quadriplegic, "well at least you didn't die!" That's like trying to look on the bright side...negatively. When all is said and done, the person still has their situation to deal with.

[Sheila]

It COULD be a lot worse. Look at the bright side...............he's not a robber, rapist or pedophile.

and you know what, for a newbie finding out it could be a whole lot better, he could be a loving masculine millionaire who absolutely adores her ............ dang comparisons do no damn good at all either way do they ?.......... if you can't either empathize or offer some helpful comment then you should at least leave well alone

[Yvonne York]

Let himknow you know, and support him. My wife reintroduced me to going en-femme a few years ago. I have no idea how she knew, but she just told me to try one of her bras on one day. Since then we have been totally open about it, she buys me clothes, wse sleep together with me dressed, and have a great life. There is nothing better than having a supportive partner to a hetero cder, so well done AND BOTH OF YOU ENJOY IT.

[tamarav]

[SIZE=4]Welcome to the forum![/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Your concerns are certainly valid ones, but the fact that your significant other may be a CD is actually pretty lame when considered next to other potential possibilities. None of us are perfect and the fact that we hide our crossdressing from others really has a tendency to tear up families due to the lies and the withheld truth.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]I told my prospective wife about 2 years before we married, 25 years ago. She accepted it then and has not appeared to let it get in our way. We raised our three kids, they are gone now, and I have dressed pretty much continually since. She was either involved or not, depending on how she felt at the time.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Now, I dress daily to work as a cosmetologist, do makeup, permanent makeup, hair, wigs and some transformation work for our sisters. She is always wanting to hear the stories from the salon and how some people react to me, etc. She benefits from all the MAC makeup she could ever use and can go out anytime she wants with either her husband or her "sister". We talk constantly to make sure the other is not impacting the life of the other and try to stay very in touch.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Talking and listening are the very best tools out there. This subject is so tough to talk about by some CDs that they can spend their entire lives not talking to anyone about it, which is very sad.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Have a great time and explore the potential that exists with your mate, this is so much better than some of the types of behaviors out there that you are actually lucky in my opinion.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Your new sis,[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Tami[/SIZE]

[Sheila]

[SIZE=4]Have a great time and explore the potential that exists with your mate, this is so much better than some of the types of behaviors out there that you are actually lucky in my opinion.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Your new sis,[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Tami[/SIZE]

grrrrrrrrr why is this supposed to make a new GG feel better can someone please explain this to me, I have been here 4 years and still this type of idiotic comment drives me up the damned wall.

The original poster asked for help in how to approach her partner about this and about help to understand his looking at other males in lingerie she has already said it does not phase her, that she is open to the possibility he is a cross dresser , she says she is a pretty open person both sexually and in everyday life and she gets comments like above telling her she is lucky

[Aleca]

A lot of crossdressers are very masculine but I heard years ago from many transgender and crossdressing people that acting macho and tough is there way of hiding/ escaping from their true feelings. I'ves heard a lot of them have been in the military, law enforcement or were involved in team sports, again it's a way CD and transpeople try to escape from dealing with their problem.

[AmiFL]

He is very lucky you are willing to talk to him about his interests. My wife was totally the opposite. When she found it she closed the door on any conversation about my dressing.

You are open minded enough to come here and share your thoughts. Why not invite him to join you on the site and read the posts and look at the pictures together.

I enjoy looking at all of the other members of this site. It amazes me how fabulous some of the men look as woman, and it is a bit of a turn-on. Not because I am gay, but because I wish I could look that good. I wish I could get my wife to join me and discover that different is not bad.

Let me know what happens, I think you will both enjoy it.

[Miss Anthropic]

From a fellow GG- talk to him. Nothing can be helped until everyones cards are on the table. Try to avoid talking to him in public places about it until you know how he feels and remember to tell him you dont mind! ( if you truely dont) Let him know its ok and he would be more willing to share with you!

I'll add this to what my lovely GF said; don't push too hard too soon, sometimes the intrest can be taken as being accusatory, especially if he's feeling guilty or a state of denial.

If you're ok with the dressing and want to investigate all of this tell him, but if it seems to offend him, take a step back for a bit and revisit the subject later when he's in a better mood. The mood of both parties helps a lot, I know I'm much more open to talking when Levea is in a cheery mood.

Also, while there are some here who have no trouble accepting their own CD'ing, there are others of us who struggle with it a lot. Years ago I was severely depressed and to the point of suicide because of the guilt dressing gave me, I eventually got thru it but have dealt with it a lot lately due to not dressing for a while. It's been very tough for me even though my SO is totally loving and accepting.

You can only help someone who is willing to be helped, but I think making it known that you care and this isn't something that will drive you away goes a long way toward bringing on the self acceptance.

I wish you two the best of luck.