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Thread: please help--found out my boyfriend is into crossdressing

  1. #1
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    please help--found out my boyfriend is into crossdressing

    hey everyone! so i joined this site bc i found my boyfriend was looking at it and it actually seems really interesting.

    i recently discovered a bodystocking and pair of stockings in his closet when i was putting stuff away a few weeks ago. assuming they were his ex's (from 3 yrs ago) i was angry and confronted him about having them still. he responded saying that he bought them a while back but no woman he ever worn them. kinda weird.. but didnt think much of it and i threw them away bc i didnt want that stuff around if it was from his past. he didnt fight me which i also thought was strange.

    i was on his computer not too long after that and started seeing strange sites--alternative lifestyle sites and a lottt of crossdressing sites/pictures. i know hes very into stockings/lingerie/dress up when it comes to me but why would he be looking at this stuff? ultimately ive figured out that he's into crossdressing or dressing in lingerie. at least the thought of it.

    i dont know what to do not (hence the username). im actually fine with it. im a pretty open person both sexually and in every day life but i dont know how to approach the situation. should i bring it up? should i let it go?its been on my mind since i figured it out but i cant seem to get myself to say it mostly bc i dont know how and i dont know how he'll react. i dnt want him to think im invading his privacy but at the same time i want him to be able to open up to me and tell me anything. i think we have a really open and honest relationship besdies this one particular topic...

    also, is it common for heterosexual men who are into crossdressing/lingerie to look at other men in lingerie online? not sure how i should feel about that.

    i took this as a shock bc hes veryyy masculine. overly masculine perhaps but a true gentlemen and loves women. i guess im just confused and need a little advice and comfort at this time.

    thanks for listening and any help you can give!

  2. #2
    Gold Member DonnaT's Avatar
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    If you want to ease your mind, then bring it up.

    Make no accusations.

    Once he realizes you are OK with it, then discuss his viewing of the men in lingerie. Is it common? Don't know about common, but it is known to occur frequently.

    He may clam up completely, however. That's been known to occur also. Too much embarrassment, guilt, etc. to deal with.

    Welcome to the forum.
    DonnaT

  3. #3
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    welcome to the forum. I am probly not the best one to be handing out advice since i am in the closet with my dressing. we all look at the pictures of the other"ladies" and will leave our comments. sure you will have questions about finding the items in his closet he may admit to you he is dressing and maybe he wont. most CD are strait so there is little chance of him being gay or bi. there is much info here on this site you can read.

  4. #4
    Silver Member Barbara Jo's Avatar
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    I can tell you that the first few times I was confronted with my CD by those close to me, I "clammed up" due to me being extremely embarassed and scared by the thought of someone knowing.

    You first have to decide it you are OK with his CD and then act acordingly.

    If you decide to be supportive, I suspect that he will be very grateful.
    Happiness is not a future condition. It is a Present state of mind.

    "....And it's only the giving that makes you what you are" - Ian Anderson

    "It's all right now, I learned my lesson well..... You see, you can't please everyone, so you got to please yourself." - Ricky Nelson

    "It is hard to imagine a more stupid or more dangerous way of making decisions than by putting those decisions in the hands of people who pay no price for being wrong." -Thomas Sowell

  5. #5
    Junior Member Catherine in Colo's Avatar
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    Hi, and welcome

    First, you should probably be prepared to talk with him sooner rather than later and let him know you know. If you found this site because you know he reads it, then it's a good bet he'll see your post sooner or later and realize you know. Better to to talk to him up front and show your support as best you can based on your comfort level than to let him find out by seeing your post here. He'll be embarassed, but just knowing that you're not ready to run screaming from the room will be a great relief for him, and a good start to some helpful conversations.

    As for him looking at sites of men in lingerie, I wouldn't be too worried about that just yet. It's more than likely he's trying to find men who are like him so that he doesn't feel alone. But don't be surprised if he can't articulate his feelings or actions very well, so don't be looking for clear and final answers on day one. This will be awkward for both of you, so take it slow. And everyone is here to help both of you!

    Hope this helps, and good luck!
    Last edited by Catherine in Colo; 10-01-2009 at 11:28 PM.

  6. #6
    Member tiffanytrapt19's Avatar
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    I agree, tell him and let him know that you are ok with it, and above all let him know u DON'T think he's wierd, you have no idea how nice that is to hear from your significant other. Trust, gain his trust and he'll open up
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    I live my life for who I am
    I quit the lie
    left it high and dry
    I am who I am
    And nobody
    Can call me a sham

  7. #7
    Silver Member giuseppina's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DonnaT View Post
    ...

    Make no accusations.
    ...


    Judging is a big turn-off as well.

    There is a post by Marla GG in the Loved Ones section entitled Now I like it, Now I don't.

    There is also a private GG forum which we CDs don't have access to. You need 10 posts and an invitation. Details : http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...f#faq_gg_forum

    Cheers
    Giuseppina
    Last edited by Sandra; 10-02-2009 at 06:28 AM. Reason: Wrong info you DONT need 10 posts to view the loved ones

  8. #8
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    I just wanted to mention that although there are many photos of people dressed up on this site, the vast majority of us do not look at them or put them on the site to arouse or excite each other, but to show what we can do and to relate to each other as we go through all this. For many, it is also the only place they can actually dress up and be accepted or have other people see them dressed, and still maintain some anonymity and not have job or family or social repercussions for doing so. A major value of this site is to see that we are not completely alone in the crossdressing, or gender issues for some, which is how I think most of us felt for many years before coming across this forum. I think you will learn a lot on this site and see that it is not just for the crossdressers but also for their significant others as well. Welcome.

  9. #9
    Miss Anthropic's GG S.O. Levea's Avatar
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    From a fellow GG- talk to him. Nothing can be helped until everyones cards are on the table. Try to avoid talking to him in public places about it until you know how he feels and remember to tell him you dont mind! ( if you truely dont) Let him know its ok and he would be more willing to share with you!

    Quote Originally Posted by notsurewhattodo View Post
    i took this as a shock bc hes veryyy masculine. overly masculine perhaps but a true gentlemen and loves women.
    And this ^ maybe an indicator of CDing. When my SO would try and shut off that part of her, she would turn into some over macho istic man! not saying that this is ALWAYS a major factor, but personally it is. good luck and we are always here for u
    Last edited by Levea; 10-02-2009 at 12:14 AM.
    "Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an
    experiment."

    "Give all to love; obey thy heart."

    Both by Ralph Waldo Emerson


    Killing posts... since 2009

  10. #10
    Member having fun. Sophia de la luz's Avatar
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    Have a dress up sex date with him, on your suggestion. Explore it for yourself, what it's like to have your partner in various attire. Check out wearing men's clothes. Have fun. Once you open the door, sometimes a little time is necessary to air things out. So, relax and give it some time, and more importantly, some love.
    Love will find its own way through.

  11. #11
    Quote Originally Posted by Levea View Post
    From a fellow GG- talk to him. Nothing can be helped until everyones cards are on the table. Try to avoid talking to him in public places about it until you know how he feels and remember to tell him you dont mind! ( if you truely dont) Let him know its ok and he would be more willing to share with you!
    I'll add this to what my lovely GF said; don't push too hard too soon, sometimes the intrest can be taken as being accusatory, especially if he's feeling guilty or a state of denial.

    If you're ok with the dressing and want to investigate all of this tell him, but if it seems to offend him, take a step back for a bit and revisit the subject later when he's in a better mood. The mood of both parties helps a lot, I know I'm much more open to talking when Levea is in a cheery mood.

    Also, while there are some here who have no trouble accepting their own CD'ing, there are others of us who struggle with it a lot. Years ago I was severely depressed and to the point of suicide because of the guilt dressing gave me, I eventually got thru it but have dealt with it a lot lately due to not dressing for a while. It's been very tough for me even though my SO is totally loving and accepting.

    You can only help someone who is willing to be helped, but I think making it known that you care and this isn't something that will drive you away goes a long way toward bringing on the self acceptance.

    I wish you two the best of luck.

  12. #12
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    I never talked to anyone for 20 years about my crossdressing. Had a girlfriend confronted me, I would have likely clammed up. However, in retrospect I think a girlfriend helping get closer to self-acceptance would have been a good thing.

    I'm not sure how to do that though.

    It seems like he gave you a big hint about the body stockings. You could apologize for throwing it out and ask him again where it came from. If he gives you the same story, ask him if he wore it. If he says yes then offer to go buy him another one if he'll wear it for you. At that point see if you can get him to talk about it. Let him know you are okay with it. Don't laugh at him or tell him it is weird or creepy or anything.

    I wish you, and him, luck.

  13. #13
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    re

    I think it is great that you would come here to seek others thoughts. Your BF is not at all alone in thi world of crossdressing as you can very well tell by the people here.

    It is most definatly not an easy thing to open up about. For me I did with my wife when we were dating - something said she would be accepting and understanding. Talk with him about it and let him know if this is something he likes to do then you are ok with it and it would be even better if you share his feelings and needs.

    I can tell you from experience that having a partner who allows you and accepts you for what you are is an incredible feeling of freedom and I commend you for taking the attitude you have on this subject.

    As for looking at other men dressed. It most likely is not a sexual thing. I suspect he is looking to find others like him and from feelings of being alone...crossdressing is not something you talk about with the boys...lol. I know I have done it mostly to see how they look and get idea's etc.

    Good luck and hope to see a post from you letting us know how things go. Embracing it can lea to wonderful experiences between partners. It has with my wife and I for over 17 years and I thank her for it!

    Sarah

  14. #14
    Banned Read only Satrana's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by notsurewhattodo View Post
    also, is it common for heterosexual men who are into crossdressing/lingerie to look at other men in lingerie online?
    When you do approach him about this, do not use wording like the above - "looking at men in lingerie" that makes it sound gay which hetereo CDs usually fear they will be mistaken for. His interest is about how clothes help to feminize a male's appearance in order for them to express the feminine aspects of their personality.

    CDs are very sensitive about how they are perceived, I suggest you spend some time on this site learning about the underlying motivations for crossdressing before you talk to your boyfriend to get the wording right to avoid him clamming up.

    There is another alternative - he may just have a sexual fetish for stockings and uses CD sites for convenience. You will not know until you talk to him so keep an open mind and listen carefully to what he says.

  15. #15
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    Crossdressers can be found in every clime and place ~ from every social-economic strata, every profession.

    From a heterosexual perspective when I look at other cross dressers? Its from wanting to be such. Dress like such, wear such, experience such.

    Experience femminity.

    I guess it comes from the perception that women in Western society have it easier than men. In some ways they do? And in some ways they don't!

    Its just a fact that women have options that men don't?

    Ditto for women.

    There's the White, the Black and then there's Gray.

    I'm drawn toward femininity! I just am!

    I love women!

    I love femminity!

    I love feminine women!

    I'm just so drawn toward women and femminity?

  16. #16
    Member angpai30's Avatar
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    What you will find

    Most crossdressers start out in the closet for the fear of others finding out. We then realize that being a closet freak is not what we want to be;we want more than that to aspire to being MEN who like to wear womens clothing. I personally have no attraction to the lingire, but I do love to wear dresses, they are so fun to wear. It sounds like your Boyfriend may be a little fearful of what you may truly think. I told my wife before we got married that I was a crossdresser and initially she said she was fine with that. I ended up having to put myself away for 3 1/2 years and I barely came back out again. I told my wife that it was a part of me and I wanted to do it and she said it was ok as long as the kids aren't around. I literally thought she would hate me for it because of what I like to do and starting up again; my initial thought was that she would be so angry she would want a divorce and kick me out of the house. I am lucky she did not want a divorce and doesn't want to kick me out of the house. Your boyfriend on the other hand may have some feelings of resentment, confusion or may have trust issues. I had the very same problem when I started and kind of still do, but I am learning that the more people you trust with it and start telling the truth about it, it all tends to fall in place and you feel much better about yourself and how things are going. This is why it may be a very sensetive subject for him and may take a while to muster up the courage to talk about it. I don't know what to say to him seeing I am pretty much going through the same process of letting it all out.

    Love,
    Hannah Babe

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Satrana View Post
    When you do approach him about this, do not use wording like the above - "looking at men in lingerie" that makes it sound gay which hetereo CDs usually fear they will be mistaken for. His interest is about how clothes help to feminize a male's appearance in order for them to express the feminine aspects of their personality.

    CDs are very sensitive about how they are perceived, I suggest you spend some time on this site learning about the underlying motivations for crossdressing before you talk to your boyfriend to get the wording right to avoid him clamming up.

    There is another alternative - he may just have a sexual fetish for stockings and uses CD sites for convenience. You will not know until you talk to him so keep an open mind and listen carefully to what he says.
    i never thought of this before--he definetly does have a fetish for stockings so perhaps thats just a way for him to experience something else.

    honestly, thank you to everyone who responded! would love to hear more. it's great to know there are so many helpful people out there.

    i was out tonight and couldnt want to get back to check if anyone had posted anything..haha boy was i surprised! a lot of great advice. i'll keep you posted with what comes of this.

  18. #18
    Transgender lisa marseau's Avatar
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    A great conversation starter

    Find a good sale on whatever it is that you might think he is into. Leave it somewhere for HIM to find. When questioned about it tell him it was a good buy and that you think he might like it. Just don't go over the top with it. something subtle.

  19. #19
    TJ Tresa TJ Tresa's Avatar
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    My dear, it isn't an easy thing to do, confronting a CD about his Cding. I'm sure he is as nervous as you are. So I'll give you the same advise I would give him if it were he who was wanting to tell you, GO SLOW!! Let him know you are fine with it and set some ground rules. As for seeing other men wearing stockings and lingerie let me say that it is a way of us CDers to feel normal, that is seeing others doing the same things we like to do. So please don't read too much into it.

  20. #20
    Super Moderator DAVIDA's Avatar
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    How about you suggesting he dress up for Halloween!
    That is not accusing of anything, and you will break the ice on the subject.

  21. #21
    Gold Member erickka's Avatar
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    Hi, and welcome!

    As for you both, I think that an open and totally honest line of communication will be your best bet. Judging by what you stated, you are a very open minded individual, and that will make matters a whole lot easier for him. I think that if you drop some subtle hints to him, he may open up to you, and once that is done, leave judgement aside, and really have a heart to heart. There are many heterosexual couples on this site that really enjoy their time together, both in private and in public. As it has been stated, this site is full of wonderful people from all over the world, and from all walks of life, who will be more than happy to help you both in any way they can. Good luck and keep us all posted.

    Erickka

  22. #22
    Member Jinny M's Avatar
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    Hi and Welcome to the forum

    If your ok with the idea of him dressing , I'd suggest buying him a new body stocking and stockings and any other items that you might think he'd like or what you would like to see him in. you could leave it in a gift bag for him and leave a note or card simply stating Sorry I doubted you and threw them away , Now you can have them from me , you could ad a p.s. saying "by the way Halloween is in a few weeks , how about dressing up for me" and simply leave it at that , see how he handles it , see if he what he reviels to you. It could very well open up the door for open communication for the 2 of you.

    I wouldn't bring up that you went snooping on the computer and what you found. let him feel comfortable enough to talk to you about it on his own .. it's very hard for alot of us to deal with this, my wife knows and is very supportive , shops with me and for me and wants me to got out in public. she even wants me to go to school to be a cosmotoligyst , so I can do our , hair, make up and nails and set up a small salon in our addition, but i looked into it and schooling isn't cheap, but i'm not giving up on the idea , i have to look into it further, see how much grants will cover and how much i'll have to pay back

    let me tell you even with all her support my male side still kicks in and then I go into a denial stage and put Jinny away , although i can never put her fully away. it's the fear of how others may view us and treat us and our loved ones once weve been outed. she is the only one who knows of Jinny.


    The ball is in you court, if your accepting and you think it's something you can handle , I'd say suttlely let him know your ok with it and encourage it. the 2 of you will be able to have alot of fun with it, girls shopping trips, salons , night outs , girls night at home doing each others hair and make up and yet still having your man when you need him to be.

    I wouldn't worry about him looking at other Gurls who dress up , it's mostly from my perspective ( like seeing and saying to yourself , see she pulls that look of nice , i can do it to ) like a confidence booster . it is tough in our world , wanting to dress and act like women , when most of the narrow minded society thinks it's wrong . I'm hetero , most of us are.

    Also if you seen this site from him being on it and not knowing how often he visits , chances are he'll see your post ,, wont reconize your name/handle , but he will pick up on the part where you posted about finding the body stocking and stuff in the closet ,confronted him about it and threw it away.

    So consider that also

    Good Luck and wish the 2 of you well.
    Jinny
    Last edited by Jinny M; 10-02-2009 at 07:52 AM.

  23. #23
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    Hi Notsure,

    What an awesome post ! ! If only my S/O would have reacted the way you are when she found out. . First and foremost, keep in mind that all the responses to your post are only suggestions and ideas, as is my post as well. I would surmise that few of us here are “experts” per se, but simply cross dressers; with some at both ends of the "experience" spectrum, many somewhere in the between; some with very understanding and supportive S/O’s, others . . . . . Not so much. But we ARE here to try and help each other out. And I would take post #10 with a grain of salt. For many, it seems, dressing is not a “sexual thing” at all. Unless of course, he has professed to it being just that.

    I like what Lisa M said in post #19, but instead of just leaving it out for your BF to find, what if you tried this: pick a night when you know you will have a few hours with no interruptions or distractions. Have a few adult beverages (if you both drink) to lighten the mood and set the stage. Talk . . . . . Freely. Bare your soul and pour your heart out. Suggest playing that little game where you tell him one of your biggest secrets that nobody else knows about, and have him tell you one of his. Yes, that is “fishing” and he may not take the bait. But remember, no accusations, and try not to push or crowd him. And be very careful with your facial expressions and tone of voice. If you’re a skilled at conversation, you will know how to make it flow. If he still won’t cop to it, consider asking him again about the stuff you found. If he opens a little, that could be your opportunity to give him “the gift”. But do it gently and with kindness. And be sure to remind him of how much you love him and that you accept him “as is”.

    Don’t go to the pond expecting to land that elusive trophy-winning large mouth bass you’ve always dreamed of netting . . . . . You might only catch a measly little blue gill. But catching anything is better than catching nothing. And even a bad day fishing beats your best day of work, hands down. So if you come away empty-handed, make him aware that he can talk to you about anything, at any time, and if there’s something he ever wants to tell you . . . . .

    Adding to what was said in post #20, don’t read anything into ANY of it. When I first started to take my dressing seriously, I scoured the ‘net and looked at MILLIONS of pictures, trying to figure out my style, what I like, what looks good on me, and basically trying to learn “how to be a cross dresser”. Chances are all of those pictures mean absolutely nothing.

    sorry for getting long-winded, sometimes i have MORE THAN just

    Leanne

  24. #24
    ADMINISTRATOR Sandra's Avatar
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    You really need to talk to him and explain how you feel, he will probably be embarassed and scared but you need to reassure him.


    Quote Originally Posted by Sophia de la luz View Post
    Have a dress up sex date with him, on your suggestion. Explore it for yourself, what it's like to have your partner in various attire. Check out wearing men's clothes. Have fun. Once you open the door, sometimes a little time is necessary to air things out. So, relax and give it some time, and more importantly, some love.
    Oh yeah good advice...NOT....they need to talk first not play games.
    Sandra
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  25. #25
    hot patootie,bles my soul marisa's Avatar
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    i like the halloween idea as a way to start a conversation about his possible cd'ing. my biggest sujestion would be to stay calm and not push to hard. i know if i'm pushed to hard i push back even harder and then nothing is gained. be patient, you may very well get a bunch of " i'm not sure or i don't know" answers to your questions. he may very well have a good trust level with you on most things. but this subject will take time for him to fully trust you. it took me time to trust my g/f with this info, but it was well worth it. from my point of view, you and your b/f could have something special in your relationship. me and my g/f have gotten so much closer to each other since i had the talk with her. as for him looking at other people dressed in bra's and things, i won't really worry about it. i've done it to. it is a great way to research different looks and get ideas to try. thats why i love this site. there's almost always something that someone has tried and has posted a pic to show the results. just be supportive. let him know that your there to talk to when he's ready. let him know that your willing to help if you can. and lastly, be honest. let him know how you feel. like i said before, this will take time but in the end he'll be honest with you. sorry for the long post but i think i covered everything i wanted. welcome to the forum and don't be afraid to ask questions. we'll help if we can. huggs... marisa.

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