I think that you should buy him some nice panties and perhaps some pantyhose. He will likely be very excited that you are OK with something that he likes but is afraid to be open about. Let it happen from there.
Sheri
I think that you should buy him some nice panties and perhaps some pantyhose. He will likely be very excited that you are OK with something that he likes but is afraid to be open about. Let it happen from there.
Sheri
Married, and she didn't know yet. There was something on TV about crossdressing, and she made a comment, to which I said something like "harmless fun, nothing wrong with it". As the conversation progressed, I sensed she saw it that way, too. It seemed that both of us became comfortable with it, and when she asked if I had ever dressed up, I said yes I had. She asked if I enjoyed it and still wanted to dress up, and if so, DO IT!!
We kept talking about it, and I disclosed everything I like, and she was cool with it all, and encouraged me to buy things I wanted. I can now dress up at home, and she sometimes takes photos for me. She accepts, supports, and even encourages my crossdressing, even those aspects that are fetish-driven (high heels, deep red lipstick, heavy makeup, long & thick eyelashes).
So, consider using some kind of opening to explore his thoughts. It could be a TV report about a crossdresser, Halloween costume, pantyhose commercial, magazine article, etc.
There is no right or wrong to your situation. Each one of us had an experience and can only tell you how we and our SO handed it. You are well past most of the SO's in that you are willing to explore and except this side of your BF. You know your BF we don't. Just be open and honest with him and let him tell you in his own time.
He also could be worried about your reaction because of his experience with his ex-wife. Good luck and if you ever need anybody to talk to we are all here.
Stephanie Michelle
Accept him for who he is, replace the things you threw out, buy him something you would like to see him in, just don't go overboard. You may find that you will have things about you, something he probably dosen't care for, he will accept also. Talking about deep feelings is a lot more productive. There are some excellent responses to this thread, my wife will get a lot from this, thanks for asking.
Ms Kanuchi
Hi and welcome. I'm sure you already see that the number of possiblities of what your bf might be thinking is huge! So, let's analyze a bit.
What do we know:
We know he hasn't been comfortable enough to open up totally to you. This is pretty normal as most people Never open up about their deepest erotic/personal feelings. The fact that you are on the verge of this conversation is so very positive.
We know he is interested in lingerie. This could be fetish or this could be his subtle way of leading toward a discussion about his feminine self.
We don't know much more, i.e. is he CD or a fetishist? hetero or bi-curious?
Let me point out that there are many of us (me included) who are committed masculine beings, completely heterosexual, and completely driven to understand the feminine creature that lurks within us. It's scary to have been so masculine for a period of time and sudden find ourselves staring in a mirror to see a feminine being staring back at us! It's also scary socially, it's scary for family issues, it's scary for how you as his gf will respond, etc...and yet it cannot be denied. That's the point everyone is making that he may just clam up for a while, but his "she" will be back if you are patient.
So, what's the process. Besides saying only you can know, the more you understand the terribly complex dynamics involved in this very personal issue of his, the better you can approach it. If I were to approach it, I would try to separate out the big issues...hetero vs. bi, CD vs. fetishist.
So, how? You know him so you can probably tell when you might ask him to wear your stockings, or other pieces of lingerie...maybe when you are intimate. You might get him to talk about it in a particular moment. Letting him know you are interested, maybe even excited, interested in more, interested in knowing everything about him, sharing your own privacies...
It's a delicate road, but then again all interpersonal relationships are delicate. If he is a heterosexual CD, what you have in your bf is someone who will understand you like no male you've ever been with. We who want to understand our feminine selves will need help and will need to understand what we never learned growing up....how to be a girl! Bottom line, he really needs your help and I venture that he will repay that help with a loving that could easily last a lifetime!
stay in touch and all our best!
tina
There's always a question of how he's going to take it if you talk to him if he denies it, lies about it or clams up but I think the body stocking incident is very telling. He told you that it had never been worn by a woman. If he absolutely did not want you to know about his dressing, he would have lied about it and told you that it belonged to an ex. I think that is a strong indicator of where he is at with it, I think it's safe for you to approach him with it.
As far as a lot of these suggestions to dress him up as if it were your idea or buy him things or do a Halloween thing, I thing, he may really like that. But I think that feedback is given from others who have that fantasy and wish their SO would do that for them which, in my opinion, doesn't necessarily mean is good advice.
Jill makes a great point. A lot of the advice you'll hear is based on what a lot of crossdressers might fantasize that their wife/girlfriend would do for them. As she says, that's not necessarily the best advice.
While the idea of you sharing your knowledge of his crossdressing by surprising him with some item of women's clothing might seem like a good one, I'm a firm follower of the belief that in the real world, the first step needs to be a mature conversation. Just opening up and talking about it will be a big step for both you and your boyfriend, so while a grand gesture might seem really supportive, it may also be overwhelming.
You're the only one who knows him though, so I'm sure you'll take it at whatever speed is comfortable for the two of you.
Hello Not So Sure!
Talk to him and tell him that you know his secret. He admitted to having the body stocking and that "no woman ever wore it". If you have an open relationship he will tell you all. You both can grow and move from the crossdressing being a secret to it being known and being a part of him that you can accept, join or ignore. It will be an embarrassing subject for him though. He has probably hidden it from everyone for years and years. Good luck.
Charlie
you say you want to be honest with him then be honest and tell him what you think if you can handle it it could be great for the both of you.You could have fun with it
i wish my wife was right wit it of course she knows of my quirk she buyes me clothes but does not like me doing it .You could start by replacing the things that you threw out and make a gift of them telling him that you do'nt mind
Hi and welcome to the forum. You seem like an accepting person and I'm sure he would be glad that you do. Going through his pc might not be good, but he'll live with it. Tell him you know and would like to see him dressed. Compliment him on something. If you don't want to come out with it get him to go to a halloween party with you and him wearing reverse costumes (Sony and Cher), (Bonnie and Clyde), etc. with him being the girl. After the party tell him that you knew. In any case get it over with, the sooner it comes out the better. After you reply to 10 post you can join other forums where there might be more help for you.
I use to over do every thing just to keep that Macho status, you name it road rage, hunting, fishing, drinking, just to make sure no one would suspect I was girly and pink inside, after reading and listening to a lot of others here I find thats how a lot of us keep up the secret, now that I'm out to my SO she says I'm so much easer to get along with that she can tell when I'm not wearing a thong and bra just by my actions.
talk, listen,love him, just to know and not judge, will be such a relief, and ease so much tension, that your life together will only improve Jennifer
xoxoxoJennifer Easton
Mighty bold talk for a one-eyed fat girl!
Welcome to this forum! Try to let him know you are safe and comfortable to go to, let him know your views and that you're tolerant and understanding and open...maybe suggest for Halloween he dress as Bonnie and you dress as Clyde and help each other with it, you could have fun with it and it might make him more comfortable trying it out.
Also, you might try the approach..."You know those stockings I threw out...I thought they belonged to your ex and I didn't want anything around of hers...if I'd have thought they belonged to you I wouldn't have thrown them away, I'd like to buy some more for you."
Try to get your ten posts in and apply to the FAB section, it'd be a good place to post any questions you might have.
Last edited by KayC; 10-02-2009 at 05:15 PM.
Enacting life's lessons into positive change...
Hun you know your b/f better than any of us, you could say that you believe he may be a CDER and if he is then you are fine with exploring his fem side with him, but do be prepared for him to deny it out of guilt/embarrassment/shame.
Yes it is "normal" for some CDERs to look at other men in lingerie, it's a validation/visual thing, it does not mean he is "looking" at/for men
I allow myself to set healthy boundaries ..... to say no to what does not align with my values, to say yes to what does.
Boundaries assist me to remain healthy, honest and living a life that is true to me
I've not had time to read all the responses, so forgive me if I end up being redundant. I can relate to alot of what you are expressing about him.
I look at pictures alot myself, and of both men and women. I long to look good in things and like to see how they look on people like me, and on those I'd like to look like.
If he's the quiet type, which is sounds like he is, why don't you just say, 'Hey, want to go clothes shopping?' And see where it goes from there. (I'd be thrilled to go with my wife.)
I think he might have said, "It wasn't ever worn by a woman" for two reasons. First it probably wasn't. Second, he probably doesn't want to lose you by you thinking he's being in any way unfaithful. He might think a woman might percieve him as being so in some ways, because he's focusing on another woman, but it's the woman inside of himself. Some women feel that way and can't stand the 'competition' they feel. If he's been around women like that in the past he might feel that would be all women's reaction to it, but obviously it's not, given what you said about how you feel.
Really, your boyfriend has a great friend in you, a true gem.
Maybe to show him how supportive you are, ask him if he'd like to buy an item of clothing together that you can take turns wearing. It might just make him feel much more at peace with you and the relationship you have. Maybe it could be stockings?
Bless you!
Hugs,
Ann
It COULD be a lot worse. Look at the bright side...............he's not a robber, rapist or pedophile.
Comparing your situation to someone who has it worse is usually of little value in reconciling it. That's like saying to the spouse of an alcoholic, "well at least he doesn't beat you!" Or to the person who just became a quadriplegic, "well at least you didn't die!" That's like trying to look on the bright side...negatively. When all is said and done, the person still has their situation to deal with.
Enacting life's lessons into positive change...
i think inside he will love that you know and can accept but on the outside it might be a while before he opens upi always trawl through the girls pics to see how well they are doing.cant blame me for fancying some of them though hehe
Dunno... just a thought...
If you and he have a playful relationship, at least sometimes -- you know, laughing and joking and lightly touching -- and if you ever arrange to have "dates" at home -- make one of those for a Friday or Saturday night. Get two bags of stuff ready, one with the replacement hosiery and another with... a couple of dresses, bra, garter belt, actual nylons, panties, makeup etc. And get yourself a pair of male-looking pants and a flannel shirt.
After dinner (or whenever) come back into the room thus attired and carrying the first bag. Tell him that y'all are doing a dressup party -- and "Here's what I took from you; I want you to have it back." Hand him the bag. He WILL look inside... and turn several shades of crimson. Stay with him. "Honey, c'mon, let's have some fun!"
After he's into that stuff, haul out the second bag, dump it on the floor/sofa/bed and say, "Now I want you to get serious about having our fun! Let me do your makeup and we'll just see how you look."
Kid him along into it... Guys like to be kidded, but not teased. Get the tone right!
Hope that helps.
I'm sorry Joni, I think that's an unhealthy comparison to make. Saying "at least" he's not one of those truly awful things suggests that crossdressing is still bad, just not "as bad" as being a rapist. Would you say "he doesn't like milk, but at least he's not a rapist or a pedophile"?
He may be a crossdresser. Period. It's not a good thing or bad thing, it's just something he is. Not everyone accepts crossdressing, but comparisons like that are what allow the propogation of many negative stereotypes about crossdressers because it puts us in the same category as criminals.
Let himknow you know, and support him. My wife reintroduced me to going en-femme a few years ago. I have no idea how she knew, but she just told me to try one of her bras on one day. Since then we have been totally open about it, she buys me clothes, wse sleep together with me dressed, and have a great life. There is nothing better than having a supportive partner to a hetero cder, so well done AND BOTH OF YOU ENJOY IT.
Hi Notsure,
Lots of great advice so far. I endorse talking things through with your b/f first, as you both have to be comfortable with him coming out of the closet so to speak before anything further.
What is great is that you took the time and made the effort to come here first.
Well done, good luck - please keep us updated on your progress
Tash
Hi there YES you should talk to him but you should do it in a way that it does not faze you,(unless it does) other wise you will make him feel guilty, after you have talked he will feel fantastic and if he is a true hetro as I am you will have the best sex you have had because he will feel great and all his pent up emotions will flood out I know this because I felt the same when my gf and I went through this stage. So do yourself and him a favour talk. When you have got it out of the way don't ever feel threatend if he wants to dress up to have sex even if he looks more feminine than what you have on. Good luck honey I know it will be ok if you are ok with it.Originally Posted by notsurewhattodo
Last edited by karen68; 10-05-2009 at 04:41 PM.
I can totally relate to your bf. I also have a fetish for female underwear. I crossdress but not as much as most of the members here. I'm very masculine, muscular and hairy so I'm not the kind that could pass as a female.
But I don't think that's the point of it. Most of my crossdressing is about feeling fine wearing female articles of clothing on a daily basis.
I think the idea of inviting him to wear is great. He may resist it at first but keep trying because it's what he wants. Maybe not all the way at first, he may not feel fine going that far. I wouldn't in his position. But exchanging underwear before going out (to exchange back later) or after sex is the kind of game I'd like and I think he will. But that may not work out if your sizes are not similar. You can help by buying something in a more ample style that he'll find comfortable.
Another thing he may like if he's a pantyhose fetishist is sex in pantyhose and a short nightie. If you like it, invite him to try it out. It's the touch of skin through the Lycra that makes the experience so special. Some like Nylon better. I don't. With all my body hair I get charged like a Tesla machine...
And going to sleep in a nightie and panties is guaranteed to make his day.
Now for the serious part. He will feel grateful that you accept him wearing panties and stuff and he's going to do it daily and openly. So if you take this road be prepare to live with that.
Also understand that he may or may not open up to you completely. I can tell you that this is not something that happened last week. He's been through a whole life of doing it or wanting to do it. Some of us (meaning me) want to keep that part in the vault.
About the pictures. I don't think it's a big deal. In times when I wasn't able to wear daily, I used to watch others on the web. Was it to satisfy my needs or just to turn me on? I can't say, maybe both. I also watch porn once in a while. I guess you have to accept the fact that, Cders or not, we're males and we're visually driven. As long as he goes home to eat, let him get hungry anywhere.
The other concern you have is if he's less of a man because he's looking at another men in a sexual way. What you have to ask yourself is if he fulfill your needs as a man now as he is, not only sexually but overall. If he does, he'll be the same man wearing silk panties or leather boxers. Nothing changes.
It's possible that he's bisexual or slightly bent over the other side. I'm almost positive about my own bisexuality even when I never ever had an homosexual experience, not even a skin contact. I can't be 100% sure and I'll never be (and I don't really care). I'm monogamous, I'm married and happy with it. Without that, I think I may give it a try. When I was young and uncommitted I was overcompensating my CDing by being the toughest guy in the hood and that probably kept me away from having an homosexual experience.
But, again, the real point is that if he really fulfill your needs for a man as he is now, opening up the closet to his fetishes, CDing or even bisexuality is not going to change what he is. Whatever he is, he is now. Letting his "monsters" walk out of the closet will release a lot of his anxiety.
And I can tell you that a man relaxed and anxiety free is 10 times a better lover. Well... I can't really tell you... but I had it from a reliable source.
I would love for my S O to buy a simple pair of panties or nylons and place thme in my dresser for me to find
it would start a very interesting conversation
and you know what, for a newbie finding out it could be a whole lot better, he could be a loving masculine millionaire who absolutely adores her ............ dang comparisons do no damn good at all either way do they ?.......... if you can't either empathize or offer some helpful comment then you should at least leave well alone.gif "Big Roll Eyes")
I allow myself to set healthy boundaries ..... to say no to what does not align with my values, to say yes to what does.
Boundaries assist me to remain healthy, honest and living a life that is true to me
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