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Thread: Came home and all my clothes are gone

  1. #1
    Member wendy68's Avatar
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    Came home and all my clothes are gone

    Hello to all , I came home from work today to find that my wife has removed all my femme clothesfrom my basement room. all of my wigs, shoes and other clothes, including all of my make up. shes known about my CDing for over two years now. She just told me after i found my room ran sacked with hangers laying all over that she doesnt want it in the house no more. She added that she has decided that she will nver accept that part of my life but that she still loves me. Im so depressed. She took all my stuff to a dump site. She states that Im not allowed to dress no more, not that shes ever seen me, and Im not allowed to attend my TG support group anymore. i never knew she could do something like this. Shes never liked the fact that I Cd but she has been appeased so far that I dont dress in front of her. Her attitude right now seems empowered and almost sarcastic. Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated---Wendy

  2. #2
    Ice queen Lorileah's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear that Wendy. It is sad when one partner takes it upon themselves to be the police and dictator in a relationship(works both ways). Love doesn't demand anything. Love tries to work with what they have to get an acceptable result for both parties. There must have been something that triggered this. Maybe you can work back and try and understand why she would be this way. Lord Tennyson said

    "Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend." -
    Love should be a two way street.
    The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
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    “Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Sheila's Avatar
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    Wendy I am so sorry that your wife did this to you, regardless of whether or not she could accept your Cding, she had no right to do that (and yes I am a GG)

    I hope that you can both now sit down and talk about this calmly and rationally with each other .......... if it will help in anyway at all then you can pm me for my yahoo or msn addy if she would be willing to talk to another female about this ............ you can tell her I have had one failed relationship with a CDER and am now involved with another if it will help in any way at all

    hun
    I allow myself to set healthy boundaries ..... to say no to what does not align with my values, to say yes to what does.
    Boundaries assist me to remain healthy, honest and living a life that is true to me

  4. #4
    Girly Girl christinek's Avatar
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    I agree with Lorileagh

    This just put a huge wedge in between both of you and that wedge will get deeper and deeper inserted over time. She just told you she does not approve of you, albeit she stated it as "that part of your life" it is still you and part of your life. I see you playing along for a wile but it going badly over time.

    I am sorry this happened to you. In all to many relationships we hope our wife's wont change and they do huge, and our wife's hope to change us and we don't.


    Good Luck

  5. #5
    Wow, this is rough to hear. I can't even begin to immagine.....

    I don't really have any advice to give, all I can do is wish you the best and let you know if you need anything we're all right here for you.

    <hugs>

    ~Sara

  6. #6
    Senior Member Rebecca Jayne's Avatar
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    Love and marriage is a 2 way street
    make sure you stay on your side.
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    Love Rebecca Jayne

  7. #7
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    I'm sorry to hear that She did that Wendy
    She had no right to throw out anything of yours without talking to you first!!

    She was bang out of order!!!!

  8. #8
    Platinum Member Shelly Preston's Avatar
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    Hi Wendy

    I am so sorry to hear your wife took the action she did
    This was a breach of trust in my opinion She had no right to dispose your property without your permission
    I suspect she has no idea what effect this will have on you

    As a couple I fear this is a blow you may not recover from
    You will both need to sit down and talk. Counseling may also help both of you
    Shelly

    Super Moderator....How to tell your partner......Abbreviations

  9. #9
    Queen Alana Beaumont's Avatar
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    Wendy, so sorry to hear this happened to you! If she wanted you to stop cding, then she should have sat down and discussed the issue with you, and not gone about throwing out your belongings. I'm not in a relationship, so I don't know what advice to give you. Only this: Cding is a part of who you are; don't let her destroy that. For, if she does, she has destroyed a part of you. That's not marriage, that's oppression!
    *Hugs*
    Alana Beaumont
    "Outside a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, its too dark to read!"-Groucho Marx

  10. #10
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    Seems to me that she was not entirely honest and up front with you to begin with. And I suppose throwing her stuff out would not be beneficial either. Something had to trigger this reaction on her part, so mediation is the natural course of action at this point.

  11. #11
    Member Misty G's Avatar
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    so sorry

    No how you feel. had it done to me. When the things left so did I.

  12. #12
    Member wendy68's Avatar
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    Thanks so much

    Thank you all for the words. Im still shaken up and my emotions are all over the place. I never thought something like this could happen nor did I think she could be this cruel. We have a 4 year old son as well and she feels that he will find out somehow. I tried to assure her that I would be discrete but shes not listening nor has she listened for a long time. I feel like I want to run somewhere . Someof the threads spoke of dictatorship and oppression and WOW do I see their words shinning through.--Wendy

  13. #13
    Platinum Member Sheila's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by wendy68 View Post
    Some of the threads spoke of dictatorship and oppression and WOW do I see their words shinning through.--Wendy
    hun I cannot defend your wifes actions, nor would I want to but if I can give perhaps another view point to dictatorship and oppression, it my be that she was trying in her own way to protect your son, and the family, from someone else finding out and destroying everything, the fact that her actions may do this is ultimately sad, and like I said before what she did was wrong, but please, please do not buy into the oppression and dictatorship theories
    I allow myself to set healthy boundaries ..... to say no to what does not align with my values, to say yes to what does.
    Boundaries assist me to remain healthy, honest and living a life that is true to me

  14. #14
    Clear Air Turbulence Joni Marie Cruz's Avatar
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    Wendy, hon, I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you, you have all my sympathy and best wishes. I am sorry to say this, but your relationship has some deep seated and very serious problems, anyone who would do what your spouse did without speaking to you about it is controlling, self-centered and doesn't care about your feelings, only about getting what they want.

    Perhaps, if your wife is willing, couples counseling would be a good idea. Somehow, though, I don't think she'll agree to it. Perhaps it's time to think about whether you want to remain in the relationship or not. And yes, I do understand about having a son and your responsibilities to him, but living in a relationship that is based on a power struggle and the need for one partner to dictate to the other isn't good either.

    I so wish you the very best and hopefully some sort of good outcome to this. All my best.

    Hugs...Joni Mari
    "Because equality is not a concept. It's not something we should be striving for. It's a necessity. Equality is like gravity. We need it to stand on this earth as men and women. And the misogyny that is in every culture is not a true part of the human condition. It is life out of balance, and that imbalance is sucking something out of the soul of every man and woman who's confronted with it."

    --Joss Whedon, to a reporter who asked, "So why do you create these strong women characters?"

  15. #15
    Silver Member Jonianne's Avatar
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    Wendy, she violated your boundry. I would let her know, gently but firmly, that you are going to replace them. Not all at once, but in time. Ask her to help you replace them and then you and she can start over and discuss boundries and groundrules.

    If you had violated her boundry, I would be in her corner.

    Now, you know that standing up for yourself is a risk, but that is the only place where you can have respect for each other. Ask her to go to counseling with you and if not, go by yourself.
    Joni

    "Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free" Bob Dylan

  16. #16
    Fancy For Feet HalloweenDragon's Avatar
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    I am so sorry to hear that, sweetheart! I would be devestated. I have a lot of stuff that has taken me almost 10 years to gather up. I hope you two do not fight over this too much, I can understand one or two "heated" discussions though. Good luck with this.

    My lover is starting to hate my make-up, and some of my outfits. I know I look a little ****ty, but that's what makes me happy. She'll NEVER understand. I know that if that ever happened to me, I would move out and steal all of her stuff! The more adult option is to leave it alone, state your mind, and re-evaluate your relationship. I am currently donig this, and things do not look good. It's gonna hurt to break up, but I need to not be in hiding about my sexuality.

    In short: Love me for who I am, or do not love me AT ALL.

  17. #17
    Member Ann Thomas's Avatar
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    Well it can only get better from where you are. I really feel for you. I have resistance to my dressing from my wife as well, but I have to give myself room for it. I feel that if my wife can;t accept all of me, then it's better I do it away from her to keep my sanity and keep from being depressed. My wife is better off with someone who's not depressed, too, so I have to take care of myself first so I can take care of her properly.

    Hugs,
    Ann

  18. #18
    AKA Elizabeth, Latin Girl Ediosa's Avatar
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    If it was me, I will take all her jewelry, everything expensive that she owns (purses, shoes, clothes, makeup and etc.) and place it in a place where she can't find it. Put that's me. When she's explodes, then tell her, that was exactly the same way you felt. Of course, that's me.

    If you don't want the fight and stand up for yourself, then go to safe route and talk and seek counseling.

    My two cents.

  19. #19
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    you scare me now wendy

    Quote Originally Posted by wendy68 View Post
    Hello to all , I came home from work today to find that my wife has removed all my femme clothesfrom my basement room. all of my wigs, shoes and other clothes, including all of my make up. shes known about my CDing for over two years now. She just told me after i found my room ran sacked with hangers laying all over that she doesnt want it in the house no more. She added that she has decided that she will nver accept that part of my life but that she still loves me. Im so depressed. She took all my stuff to a dump site. She states that Im not allowed to dress no more, not that shes ever seen me, and Im not allowed to attend my TG support group anymore. i never knew she could do something like this. Shes never liked the fact that I Cd but she has been appeased so far that I dont dress in front of her. Her attitude right now seems empowered and almost sarcastic. Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated---Wendy
    i'm not here too long your situation seems very familiar to me.

  20. #20
    Silver Member giuseppina's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by latindancer View Post
    If it was me, I will take all her jewelry, everything expensive that she owns (purses, shoes, clothes, makeup and etc.) and place it in a place where she can't find it. Put that's me. When she's explodes, then tell her, that was exactly the same way you felt. Of course, that's me.

    If you don't want the fight and stand up for yourself, then go to safe route and talk and seek counseling.

    My two cents.
    This kind of tit for tat behavior creates more problems than it solves.

    Cheers
    Giuseppina

  21. #21
    Unofficial CD Mom Holly's Avatar
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    Wendy, your wife was wrong to do what she did. And in my opinion, it shows that there is a major problem in the relationship the two of you share. A marriage is a partnership. For either party to unilaterally dictate any terms between them is a gross violation. Unless the two of you learn to communicate with each other, there is little chance of the relationship surviving. You wife clearly does not have an understanding of your drive and desire to explore femininity. YOU need to do a better job of helping her understand. You don't have a clue as to how or why she feels the way she does. SHE needs to help you understand where she is with this. If you two do get to the point of talking about this, I hope BOTH of you can grasp the concept the communication is as much or more about listening than it is talking. More than likely your wife has a lot of mis-information about people who are gender variant. Gather as much good information as you can and have it ready for her. Should she choose not to engage in conversation, then you best be prepared to move on.
    Fulltime girl on the inside.
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  22. #22
    Member Jacky Aikou's Avatar
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    Wendy, what a shocking story - I can't believe how skewed some people's judgement can get. But when love and family is involved, I guess all bets are off.

    I can imagine the anguish you're feeling... All I can offer is my sympathy and the hope that you and your wife will sit down for a serious two-way talk and reconcile things.
    - Jacky ^_^/

  23. #23
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    Wendy--wow, my jaw just hit the floor! I may have my own issues with my SO and his CDing, but I would NEVER violate his items or him in that manner!

    I am of the opinion that something got triggered in her to act this way. If she has been doing ok (I believe that is how it sounds) with your CDing and set boundaries, something somewhere must have caused this huge and terrible reaction. If you wish to work it out, try and see what lead up to this event and lashing out. She might have tried to hide her true feelings and hit a ceiling when something happened. Either way, with a child involved, a marriage, and a life of at least 4 years together, I think you both are entitled to a talk and you are entitled to some answers and apology. I hope you both will come to a resolution that leaves you both in a better place than you are now.
    “Much education today is monumentally ineffective. All too often we are giving young people cut flowers when we should be teaching them to grow their own plants.”

    John W. Gardner

  24. #24
    Diamond Member Persephone's Avatar
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    Wendy, hun, I am so sorry to hear about what has happened to you. I can't imagine what would go on in my house if this had happened.

    Her "preemptive strike" is truly a violation of your rights as a partner in the marriage and her attitude that, in her mind, gives her the right to do this and to deliver ultimatums is very disturbing.

    Only you can decide how to deal with your situation, but know that many of us feel for you and your son and care about you. You will be in my prayers.

    Hugs,
    Persephone.
    "If you are living the life you want to live you've successfully transitioned to being the person you want to be." - Eryn.

    "If you truly care about me you should damn well want for me what I want for myself" - Michael Westen (Burn Notice)

    -.-. --.-/-.-. --.-/-.-. -../ Persephone™ and Persephone™ are trademarks of Persephone herself, accept no substitutes. The terms "en femme" and "en drab" originated with Marcia Sampson/Staylace (OBM).

  25. #25
    Silver Member "Mary"'s Avatar
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    Not to be a trouble maker, ,,, and this doesn't do anything to help improve the situation... But - who the heck does she think she is to take it upon herself to do such a thing!?!

    How would she feel if you _______ (fill in the blank)?

    Sorry to hear this, hope things get better and maybe you could recover your things.
    Mary

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