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Thread: Came home and all my clothes are gone

  1. #26
    Simulation or Simulacra? Aeval's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Christine Rugby View Post
    Wendy--wow, my jaw just hit the floor! I may have my own issues with my SO and his CDing, but I would NEVER violate his items or him in that manner!

    I am of the opinion that something got triggered in her to act this way. If she has been doing ok (I believe that is how it sounds) with your CDing and set boundaries, something somewhere must have caused this huge and terrible reaction. If you wish to work it out, try and see what lead up to this event and lashing out. She might have tried to hide her true feelings and hit a ceiling when something happened. Either way, with a child involved, a marriage, and a life of at least 4 years together, I think you both are entitled to a talk and you are entitled to some answers and apology. I hope you both will come to a resolution that leaves you both in a better place than you are now.
    I agree 100%...there must have been something to set her off (maybe a boundary that she set, but did not alert you to because she never thought you would cross it). With so much put into this relationship, you certainly owe it to yourselves to try and work it out as best you can.

    I wish you all of the luck I can throw your way!

  2. #27
    Member Plasibeau's Avatar
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    I'm sorry for the betrayal your wife has done to you. You expressed great trust in telling her in the first place. In my opinion the way she is behaving has negated any reason to attempt a line of dialog. If she was interested in talking, that's what she would have done. She's coming from a what she percievs as a source of strength, but a strong person has no need to deliver demands upon another person.I would say that you have some tough decisions ahead of you, been then that's just my .

  3. #28
    New Member Amanda B's Avatar
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    Oh Wendy, this is a major set back to your relationship indeed. Firstly there must have been a trigger and you probably need to think about that. Secondly, you say she seems to have been empowered. I suspect that she might have told one of her girl friends or she might have attended a meeting or support group of some sort. I know that group meetings can often side with the percieved victim. They would see her as the victim because she was st the meeting. If you had been the one attending a support group you would have got the support / symathy as they would see you as the victim. Did you push the bondaries at home by maybe commenting on things such as saying I love your lipstick, I have one like it for example. I know I did that a few times and I could see that she was not impressed. She was having make up trouble so I got some of mine and said "try this its a better colour". Hang in there girlfriend. Hugs Amanda

  4. #29
    Aspiring Member dilane's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by wendy68 View Post
    Hello to all , I came home from work today to find that my wife has removed all my femme clothesfrom my basement room. all of my wigs, shoes and other clothes, including all of my make up. ... She took all my stuff to a dump site. She states that Im not allowed to dress no more, not that shes ever seen me, and Im not allowed to attend my TG support group anymore. i never knew she could do something like this. Shes never liked the fact that I Cd but she has been appeased so far that I dont dress in front of her. Her attitude right now seems empowered and almost sarcastic. Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated---Wendy
    Prepare for the worst. She can do anything. She's dehumanized you and humiliated you and destroyed your property. Is this a marriage worth saving?

    I suspect she's had some bucking up from friends, her lawyer (that's right) or her therapist.

    Another girl on the board got an ultimatum from her wife, she complied, and then wife initiated a divorce anyway.

    Sorry to have to say this, just my opinion based on what I've heard.

    Good Luck,

    Diane

  5. #30
    hot patootie,bles my soul marisa's Avatar
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    i am so sorry she did that. normaly i would say gather all her stuff up and dispose of it to. but this would be counter- productive. about the only way i can think of to handle this would be to sit her down and hash things out. honestly, she had no right to touch your stuff. technicly thats theft. make this fact very clear. but don't start screaming right off the hop. again thats not productive. if she really does love you like she claims this shouldn't have happened in the first place. plus she has no real right to tell you what you can and can't do in regaurds to you going to the meetings. your meetings sound like a matter of personal well being. sorry for the ramble'n on and on, i'm kind'a in shock that someone could do this to a claimed love one. on a personal note, and this is just my opion, going from your post, you owe her nothing and she owes you mega big time.

  6. #31
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    This sounds exactly like something my ex-wife would have done, and saying she did it so your son would not find out was just an excuse.
    One of my ex's favorite expressions was "I did it because".

  7. #32
    The Playful Princess playfullprincess's Avatar
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    hun I am SOOOO sorry to hear that! its terrible and I hope you can work things out with her.
    -Love the Playful Princess XOXO

  8. #33
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    Hi Wendy....sorry to hear about your home situation. It almost sounds to me like she's having a knee-jerk reaction, possibly after talking to someone about your CDing activity. Even if this was the case, she still had no right to toss your personal items out like she did. I really hope things turn out for you and your SO. Relationships can be trying at times, but at least be comforted in knowing we're here for you.

  9. #34
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Wendy, THAT REALLY STINKS!

    However, I won't GLOSS OVER your SURPRISED and CONFUSED REACTION to what she did EITHER!

    It sounds to me, like your marriage has SOME SERIOUS ISSUES u must resolve, if u 2 wish to keep it going!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  10. #35
    Gold Member Samantha B L's Avatar
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    Hi Wendy, That's a bad deal. I'm sorry and I send you all my sympathies,hun. But at least you have all of us here at crsdrsrs to talk to. Once again,I'm really sorry.




  11. #36
    Silver Member kellycan27's Avatar
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    Hmmmph

    I always hate reading these type threads. You said that you told your wife about your cross dressing 2 years ago. I believe that in another thread you said that you have been married for 14 years. So one would surmise that you kept this a secret for 12 years, and your wife never had the freedom to choose if she in fact wanted to have a relationship and children with someone who cross dresses. She sounds like she at least was willing to try accepting it.. for at least 2 years, but maybe in the end she decided that it is something that she just can't abide by. Now she has tossed all of your "girly" belongings and you and a host of others it seems, are all indignant. IMHO you got exactly what you deserved. She may have had no right to dump your stuff,but you had no right to take away her freedom of choice in the beginning. No matter what your excuses are for hiding the fact..it was still a shitty thing to do. If cross dressing is something that you cannot live without, and something that she can't live with maybe it's time to call it a day. Had you been honest in the beginning,maybe you wouldn't find yourself in this position. Keeping secrets and lies always seem to come back and bite people in the ass, and it always astonishes me when they are surprised by an SO's reaction when they discover the truth.
    I guess that the bottom line here is that although there is nothing wrong with cross dressing, and you have the absolute right to do it. There is also nothing wrong with not being able to accept it. You screwed up from the get-go and you need to own it.
    I can't offer a solution for your situation,but hopefully others will read about your woes and take a good hard look in the mirror before traveling down the same road as you did.
    That being said. I truly hope that you you and your wife can come to some kind of mutual understanding,at least for the sake of your innocent children.
    "one day I'll fly away..... leave all this to yesterday"

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  12. #37
    Member wendy68's Avatar
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    Thank you for all the support

    Thank you all so much. Ive been reading all of your responses and its helped a great deal. I even spoke by email to a member of my support group which also helped alot. I really have no idea whats going to happen to my marriage. At this point everyone else is asleep and tommarrow is a new day. I wish I could be opimistic but I dont have high hopes. I tried to give her written information ages ago to try to see if it helped her understand me better but it had little effect. God I dont know if I could go back to repressing myself I had too many breakdowns to remember. I guess only time will tell

  13. #38
    happy to be her Sarah Doepner's Avatar
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    Best of luck to you as you try to figure it out. Be careful for a while, she did something very daring and will be pretty pumped up and very defensive when you are ready to talk about it. Her reactions may be greater than you would normally expect, so take it slow and try to keep it a discussion instead of allowing it to become a shouting match. That much heat could burn the place down. Keep it cool if you can.
    Sarah
    Being transgender isn't a lifestyle choice. How you deal with it is.

  14. #39
    Silver Member DanaR's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tamara Croft View Post
    I'm sorry she did that, that is just spiteful!! You should ask her how she would feel if you threw out everything of hers you didn't like (no I'm not saying stoop to her level and do it)... and see what she says to that.
    This is almost exactly what I was thinking as well. It sounds like she has some control and abuse issues. I hope that you can get by this, it would be a real problem for me.
    Dana Ryan

  15. #40
    KatelynMae's SO KayC's Avatar
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    Children are more concerned with playing at that age to notice what possessions happen to be laying around, besides, even if a child did discover the clothes and asked questions, they are pretty adaptable...moreso than adults as it seems.
    I would let her know that this was a huge violation and showed utter disregard for you, that you're a grown man that needs no "permission" poarticularly to be who you are. I would strongly urge marriage counseling. The issue isn't even CDing, it's the contempt with which you were treated. I am so sorry you're going through this, I can't even imagine how violated you must feel. I personally wouldn't want to live in such a controlled environment and would have to question if this is a marriage worth trying to save...in the end, how good can it be to live with someone so disrespectful? She could have put the clothes in a locked trunk if she was that concerned about your child discovering them. I realize I'm highly principled and most wouldn't agree, but I'd even consider the idea of a civil lawsuit for her to replace my belongings...right's right and wrong's wrong and she had no right, just because she is your wife, to throw away your belongings without even so much as a discussion...and that goes regardless of when she found out. There are all kinds of reasons why a CDer has a hard time coming out to their SO, it's always best to be honest from the beginning, but GGs should try and get behind the CDer's eyes and understand what all they go through and how difficult it is for some to "tell". Isn't that what loving partners do, talk to each other and listen with their hearts? Good luck, whatever you decide you can live with.
    Last edited by KayC; 10-03-2009 at 06:52 AM.
    Enacting life's lessons into positive change...

  16. #41
    Hose & Heel Loving Divia. Lee Andrews's Avatar
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    All I can say is wow and how sad.
    I think there is more than just cross dressing going on here. That was not a nice thing to do and even if she had issues with CDing she could have just set some ground rules for you, not throw out all your stuff. I'm lucky, my SO is not shy to say cool it with the cross dressing, I need a break and I comply with her request out of respect for her and us as a whole.
    Good luck with this, it doesn't sound like it is going in the right direction but hopefully you can work out something that both of you can live with.
    Trying to come to grips with this lovely thing called Crossdressing.

    Thankful there is a place to ask for help.

  17. #42
    Joanie sterling12's Avatar
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    ADIÓS BABY!

    If it were my life, I think that I would consider this as a "deal breaker." You have to talk with her, you have to try. But, if it gets worse; I would also be making contingency plans on what I would need to do, and when.

    I don't think you will be able to live with The Ultimatums! At this point, I would be thinking about minimizing The Damage!

    Peace and Love, Joanie

  18. #43
    Gold Member MJ's Avatar
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    Your Turn

    Next time she is out find everything that's guy looking slacks jeans paints etc and go take them to the dump too.

    see how she likes it.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  19. #44
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    So sorry!

    I don't have any advice on the realations ship but i fee your pain of losing everything. I won't go into details but basicly i felt i needed to remove everything from my place and asked a female friend to hold on to my things. About 3 weeks later when i went to retrieve my stuff i was told that "other" people had ransacked everything and i only got back a couple of items from a fairly large collection of clothes, jewelry, make up, wigs, the works. Basicly "wendy" as i knew her had been stolen. I was crushed at the time but now a year later i've nearly forgotten about the missing stuff and just enjoy the "new wendy" thats risen from the ashes of the old with a total remake

  20. #45
    Silver Member kellycan27's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sterling12 View Post
    ADIÓS BABY!

    If it were my life, I think that I would consider this as a "deal breaker." You have to talk with her, you have to try. But, if it gets worse; I would also be making contingency plans on what I would need to do, and when.

    I don't think you will be able to live with The Ultimatums! At this point, I would be thinking about minimizing The Damage!

    Peace and Love, Joanie
    Great idea! heck with her,and the kid(s) Go ahead and live your life like you want to. Never mind the fact that you hid this from her... you had your reasons.
    "one day I'll fly away..... leave all this to yesterday"

    http://youtu.be/kR7NlgwVHHg

  21. #46
    Ice queen Lorileah's Avatar
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    Anyone remember debate class?

    Given, you should have been up front years ago
    Given, what your wife did was childish and unnecessary
    Given, you should not have lied
    Given, revenge won't help the situation (see childish and unnecessary above)
    Given, you love your children (your wife right now not so much but we will leave some room for forgiveness later IF you both can agree) and you don't want to lose them (which we assume was the reason your wife did what she did...to save the children which may now end up in a broken home with two bitter parents, but that is next weeks debate).

    We all agree on those givens?

    Now what can be done to correct the problem?
    The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
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    “Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,

  22. #47
    Gender Variant Badger PaulaJaneThomas's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lorileah View Post
    Now what can be done to correct the problem?
    Probably nothing. Some women cannot accept their husband's cross-dressing at any level.
    Best Wishes

    Paula

    Warning: This product may contain Badger
    Every girl crazy 'bout a sharp-dressed Badger.

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  23. #48
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    Quote Originally Posted by kellycan27 View Post
    Great idea! heck with her,and the kid(s) Go ahead and live your life like you want to. Never mind the fact that you hid this from her... you had your reasons.
    Well Kelly, unlike many of us CD/TS, you have not had things so hard. You are one of those who passes easily, lives this perfect life as a woman and you love to boast about it here...
    However, for most CD/TS here, things tend to be harder. I think if you didn't have this perfect life you would probably empathize more with some of our sisters who have had to go thru hell at times.

    NOW to address what Lorileah said -
    She is think thinking analytically, one must find a solution...
    OK, So this is a good excuse to start building a new wardrobe. Sadly, you probably aren't going to get back your old stuff but things happen. What can be said?

    Next, we have all had people in our lives who want to control us. You cannot let them. Once you start taking orders from someone who is not signing your paycheck, you have given up part of the rights you hold as an adult. Asking "Mother may I?" is not an option. Plus, a control freak always wants to control more. Your CD'ing today, what tomorrow?

    Ladies, you simply MUST learn to stand up for yourselves. There will always be something trying to stand in the way of you living your life. Some of us don't pass well, and pretty much all of us have someone who will not approve of our CD'ing.

    On the good side - though our spouses do go thru times like this, they normally come around.
    It takes a true Erin to be a pain in the assatar.

  24. #49
    Banned Read only Olivia's Avatar
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    Well damn. Wendy, I'm really sorry that your wife pulled this chicken-shit stunt. It was a low blow, and using your son as an excuse doesn't make it any better. That said, I do agree with Kelly. Keeping a secret like 'ours' from your SO is a bad idea. I know many of you will disagree but I'm sorry; any relationship based on a lie of omission starts off in the hole. I believed that my wife deserved to know that I was a crossdresser before we married and I still believe that today. If such an admission results in the end of the relationship then, well, it's better then than years later after both of you have so much invested in the partnership. If a SO can't accept a part of you that means so much, then she is not a good match and it's time to move on. Now, you have much more at stake and yes, a son that you will always share no matter how this turns out.

    I would not live with a woman (or a man) who did what your wife did. I don't think she loves you Wendy. My definition of love doesn't include actions like hers. But, she did deserve to know who she was marrying 14 years ago. When she found out a couple years ago, she couldn't handle the truth. Please don't think I'm flaming you for deceiving her. Everyone thinks they have good reasons for keeping the secret, both at the start and as time goes on. But surely, everyone can see the sad result that often accompanies the revelation when it happens. I guess I hope you can work it out with her. I don't know that I'd want to but none of us are in your pumps hon. I wish you the best resolution you can make. Keep us in touch, Olivia.

  25. #50
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    Females are true hypocrites

    Why she didnt even give you a hint before taking the final dump, that would have sufficed to some extent. If you cant wear a skirt, then she shouldnt wear pants, as simple as that. Tell her that is your condition now. Dont let her deviate by saying everybody blah, blah.............. tell her sternly and firmly LETS TALK ABOUT YOU AND ME ONLY, TO HELL WITH EVERYBODY ELSE.

    As for the child, its bull what she says, as she can easily tell the boy those stuff are hers if she loves you, we make compromises and adjustmens all the time during a day when we esteem and love somebody, dont we?

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