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Thread: still "my guy" underneath. Is it really?

  1. #1
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    still "my guy" underneath. Is it really?

    I saw this question in another thread but did not want to derail that thread into another topic, so thought I would try responding to it in a new thread.

    I have a question for the Cders here. This is something that continues to confuse me. Im a GG and very new to this whole thing. I have heard many cders (mine included) that that whether they are dressed en-femme or drab that its still "my guy" underneath. Is it really? Because what everyone is say here is that its NOT just the clothes. That when you put them on you want to feel, act and be treated like a woman. So if thats the case then how can my SO still be "my guy" when dressed? Is this just an answer to get us to accept? Do tell.

    There are a lot of differences among cross-dressers so it is important to understand that I am speaking to this question from the relationship I have with my wife

    - am I still her guy underneath? The answer is "no".

    I never really have been the guy she thinks she knows, either. It does not matter how I am dressed.

    I've never told her I am the same person wether I am dressed or not. But that has been a belief that she has clung onto, of her own making. I let her have this belief because it seems to help her in tolerating me, and I want to be tolerated at least.

    I really have disliked this belief she has, because it does not accept the complete / whole me.

    She has her "man". She tolerates some of my behavior (which she sets aside into a defect of character box), and still believes that somehow I will one day pull out of it, and be the manly man she thinks I am or should be.

    It is an incomplete, not entirely honest, fractured relationship driven on by both of us (me, ofcourse, being the most dishonest).

    It is not just about the cloths for me. But thinking it is is easier for her.

    It would be interesting to hear what others think.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Rebecca Jayne's Avatar
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    You evolve

    Throughout you life you have and always will change
    I believe change is constant,
    That being said my state of crossdressing has evolved.
    It has been sexually oriented early on , now it is not.
    I have tried to be effeminate, now I don't.
    I used to be into fetishes with it, no more, that I grew tired of.
    I used to only by costumes , now they are Woman's outfits.

    but underneath it all I feel that I am still very much a man
    though different than I was 10, 20, 30 however many years ago,
    and I will always be a man first, I just like to wear woman's clothing.

    Nothing like wearing a dress while you use power tools.
    A Rose by any other name.....[SIZE="2"][/SIZE]

    Love Rebecca Jayne

  3. #3
    Silver Member Tina B.'s Avatar
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    Yes I am the same guy no matter how I am dressed, if I have on a dress, I am content and relaxed, If I am in drab, I am thinking about being in a dress and content and relaxed. the look might be different, but the feelings inside are all the same!
    Tina

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Karren Hutton's Avatar
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    No... I'm the same "Person" she married.... Being caught between two genders I can't really say I'm "the guy" or not... I haven't figured that out and really don't plan to any time soon...
    I reject your reality and substitute my own!
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  5. #5
    Member Ashley_in_Texas's Avatar
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    I am the same man, in a skirt and heels, or cargo pants and work boots. I have the same feelings, needs, and desires, no matter what I am wearing. I have one personality, but with many facets. Dressing doesn't affect my manhood, if anything, it keeps me in tune with it. I don't put on a persona while dressed, because I am me, dressed, drab, or naked. There is only enough room in my head for one person.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Sally2005's Avatar
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    Same person is a good way to describe it. I am the same guy when dressed that way and I don't change when CDing, however, I do feel what I think woman feel. People look at you differently, you need to act a certain way to have a hope of passing, it is like acting sometimes because you are aware of your body, movements, how you look etc. It is exciting and scary also.

    I would say...same guy, but he went on mini vacation.

  7. #7
    Silver Member Amy Lynn3's Avatar
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    Same guy dressed either way. Act different ? Yes, because I'm wearing a dress. It comes with the territory if you dress as a woman.

  8. #8
    Adventuress Kate Simmons's Avatar
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    It really depends on the individual "guy" and his overall perception of himself.

  9. #9
    Southern Gurl
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    I am the same person no matter what I am wearing! Am I not the same person if I am in a suit, jeans bathing suit or naked? Yes, I act defferently depending on the place and how I am dress!

  10. #10
    Lucky GG nodaybuttoday's Avatar
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    This is just something I am truly trying to grasp and understand as a FAB. I feel like my attitude, my personality, everything I TRULY am is not really feminine or female in a particular way. So why should a CDer's personality or who is really is change when he dresses? And if he acts differently when not dressed as a woman, which side is the REAL him? I feel like sometimes this is a real "Jekyll and Hyde" situation. Not to say one side is evil and the other is not, but it really seems like there are two different people sometimes.

    If that is the case, isn't it unfair to the GG that she doesn't know the real person? Sure, maybe she doesn't want to know, maybe she is hoping it'll go away, but that is simply because she doesn't know any better. She can't change who she is anymore than you can and she needs to be put straight and corrected. Does that make sense?
    "I can't control my destiny. I trust my soul, my only goal is just to be."

  11. #11
    Looking for a good women! Christina Horton's Avatar
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    Think of it this way . You have had the girl inside , she has been there all your life , she has controlled your life form afar inside , your male side may have been the one you show to the world , But she was always there helping you along. She is the power behind your male macho side. Now your letting her see the sun , she is blossoming , and you can now express her more fully.
    So are you the same "guy" as your were before. Yes and no. You are the same person , just part of you has been (repressed) all or most of your life. Now she has come to help you understand who you truly are. So yes you are the same person just now your more. More open with your feelings , more open with your "shopping" more open with your emotions. E.T.C....

    I am not sure if I have answered you question but I tried.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC].....................100% Authentic Canadian Cross-dressing Truckdriver!!!!!!!!!

    (((((((((((((((((((("I LOVE BEING A CROSSDRESSER")))))))))))))))))))

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    If you don't like my (honesty) well TFB.

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  12. #12
    wanna be GIRLY madison lee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ashley_in_Texas View Post
    I am the same man, in a skirt and heels, or cargo pants and work boots. I have the same feelings, needs, and desires, no matter what I am wearing. I have one personality, but with many facets. Dressing doesn't affect my manhood, if anything, it keeps me in tune with it. I don't put on a persona while dressed, because I am me, dressed, drab, or naked. There is only enough room in my head for one person.
    I totally agree. I am the same person no matter what I am wearing. My wife agrees. She has said that she see's no change in my personality or over all self whether dressed or in drab.

  13. #13
    Looking for a good women! Christina Horton's Avatar
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    Hay hun I just read your first thread and thought you might want to read my threads I made . I have come to except my dressing and since I can't PM you I figured I would tell you here. Some of my threads are about my times out , they might help you except your CDing and maybe what to do with you wife. Feel free to read all you like. Other girls here that are married have wrote about there experiences and that would help you out too. Good luck Girl friend.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC].....................100% Authentic Canadian Cross-dressing Truckdriver!!!!!!!!!

    (((((((((((((((((((("I LOVE BEING A CROSSDRESSER")))))))))))))))))))

    Link to My 20th high school reunion http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...d.php?t=112976

    If you don't like my (honesty) well TFB.

    Men are just a single celled orgasm , In a petri dish held by a woman. (Gene Simmons)

  14. #14
    Making a life for Tina! suchacutie's Avatar
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    as usual, I seem to be the odd person in this thread

    Ok, I grant that the "Tina" part of me was at least partially inside of the composite person who is me. When we were all mixed together, the "me" married and lived happily married as "me" for 32 years. At that point my wife and I discovered Tina. My wife is very intestested in the differences/similarities in growing up, being socialized, and becoming part of a gender. For four+ years now that Tina has existed we have talked about this issue from an incredible number of angles.

    From the beginning Tina has been separate: separate name, separate clothes, separate makeup (of course), and even a separate e-mail address. Tina is a girlfriend, not a husband. That fact alone changes the dynamics, and we have worked toward trying to teach Tina how to be a girlfriend! It doesn't just happen automatically. Tina has developed likes and dislikes that are very different from the male part of "me", and, most importantly, likes and dislikes that were never part of the combined "me". Tina continues to evolve into a person with characteristics that the combined "me" never had, or even considered. My wife suggested I (in drab) read a certain book the other day, but then we looked at each other and simultaneously said, "no, that's one for Tina".

    Please understand, we think this is terrific! We aren't complaining or concerned or unhappy. The male me is now informed in ways he never thought possible, and the feminine side does nothing but help that. Heck, even the shared body has lost 35 pounds! LOL

    So, even though the "he" and "she" in me share a knowledge base, what we do with that knowledge base is very different, we like it that way, and it is nothing short of fascinating to see how Tina grows, evolves, and becomes feminine in her own right. And, the "he" still exists, just not when "she" is around .

    Tina

    P.S. I'm still not sure that I explain this situation well. It's so very hard to put into words, and I'm sure it would be impossible to experiance without a loving wife who is also very interested in the psychology and emotions that help to define Tina.

  15. #15
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    I too am trying to figure this all out. I have been out with my fiance' cder to a tri-ess meetining and then out to a club. I think my question comes from not knowing how I am supposed to act or treat him while he is en-femme. Do I treat him as I always do when we go out while his is in drab or do I have to act differently? Am I insulting him by treating him as I normally would? Thanks for your reply.

    Jean

  16. #16
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    Take this FWIW because I've never been out with my wife. However, if we ever do I would really hope that she would treat me like a girlfriend. Why? Because it's scary enough just wondering if you'll be noticed! Having my wife be my wife might make that more difficult (holding my arm, looking at me intently - like she does). Just be a friend, leave the bf-gf thing for other times. That's my thought on it, anyway...

    Do I change personalities? I didn't think so. I do sit more ladylike, walk with smaller steps, etc. But wifey says I become more thoughtful and courteous.

  17. #17
    Aspiring Member Bethany38's Avatar
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    [SIZE=4]Wow!!! Ashley In Texas really hit it on the head for me. I could not have described about how I feel on the whole thing better my self. I think Christina makes a good case also. [/SIZE]
    One day your life is going to pass before your eye's, Make sure it is worth watching.

    Eddie Izzard said it best "I am an action tranvestite".





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  18. #18
    VP of Common Sense
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    I don't think one can even begin to define if the "you" in a dress is a different person then the "you" in boy clothes when they are actively lying to their loved ones about who they are no matter what clothes they're wearing.

  19. #19
    Member angpai30's Avatar
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    Yes, I am still the same "person" whether in a dress or jeans and boots because I don't change personalaties I change what I am wearing that's it. I have never thought of myself as two different people because that is rediculous to think so, but in the event that a dress and makeup is put on we are concious about what people think and try to act different in the sense of appearance. Think about halloween and what happens at the time when we all put on our costumes. Those who wear bunny costumes feel like little bunnies and those who put on maid costumes feel like maids and feel that they need to present as such, but really would act the same if they did not feel the need to act differently. I am mostly talking about myself because this is me and how I act because I do not feel the need to act differently; I feel the need to be me and act accordingly to be myself, especially, when dressed!! I hoped I helped a little.

    Hannah~~

  20. #20
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    Thanks, Hannahgirl.......that really did help. Not sure why your answer was any better than the rest but I really like what you said

  21. #21
    Girlygirl Tomboy Wannabee Toni_Lynn's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by arbon View Post

    Because what everyone is say here is that its NOT just the clothes. That when you put them on you want to feel, act and be treated like a woman.
    This quote struck me. I will get to why in a minute.

    I can and will say that as far as my relationship with my wife is such that I am always have been her guy no matter how I am dressed, and she considers me to be so. In general, I act exactly the same when dressed en femme as when en homme. That said, when in boy mode, I am far from being the typical guy -- don't drink beer, hate sports, don't hang out with the guys etc etc down the list of stereotypical guy things. At the other end though, when in girl mode, I don't suddenly start doing needle-point, or sewing, or speak differently or carry myself differently etc etc down the list of stereotypical guy things. The point is, I am just me, what you see is me, I yam what yam and that's all that I yam.

    For me, wearing girls clothes is something I just like to do. I prefer them over guys clothes, just as some guys may prefer a shirt and tie and suit over business casual for work. I prefer to be natural about it which is why I have long hair, for to wear a wig would be phony to me -- a denial of the me that I am. I prefer not to wear breast forms or go to rather huge sizes, you now -- the double - D's -- but rather go with (and thank God for) the bit of gynecomastia and left overs from a weight problem that make me nearly-A. I wish I could go with makeup, but sadly the whiskers are a curse.

    Strangely enough, my time in boy-mode when wearing a (proper men's) kilt have helped me to further get in touch with all of this. In fact, it in someways (shock horrors!), it feels just as good as dressing as a girl. Well, in different way. Point is, I feel the same when kilted as when in a skirt.

    So it is the clothes -- cause I like 'em. Its not just the clothes though but not because I want to be treated differently than when I'm in boy mode. I really don't want to feel, act and be treated like a woman. I want to feel, act and be treated like me - the cool unique person that I am. And my wife does that for me, no matter how I'm dressed. She sees the person inside. She sees the guy she married and girl within and if that girl is wearing a suit and tie or the guy is wearing a girl - so what!

    Huggles

    Toni-Lynn
    --I'm TN (transnationalist) - a Canadian born in an American's body! I stand on guard for thee!

  22. #22
    Ingredient: 100% Attitude DemonicDaughter's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tinalynn View Post
    Take this FWIW because I've never been out with my wife. However, if we ever do I would really hope that she would treat me like a girlfriend. Why? Because it's scary enough just wondering if you'll be noticed! Having my wife be my wife might make that more difficult (holding my arm, looking at me intently - like she does). Just be a friend, leave the bf-gf thing for other times. That's my thought on it, anyway...

    Do I change personalities? I didn't think so. I do sit more ladylike, walk with smaller steps, etc. But wifey says I become more thoughtful and courteous.
    Do you realize you are asking your partner to deny your relationship, her affection for you and your bond while in public? Albeit she may wish to anyhow for many heterosexual women don't particularly want to be perceived as a lesbian despite many CDers fantasies of it.

    But the real irony of it all is here I am fighting for the right to show public affection to the woman I love without being harassed, to marry her legally and not have to worry about the state deciding whether or not I actually HAVE a relationship at all. And there you are, in a heterosexual relationship asking your partner to hide it in fear someone will read you.

    Standing up for who you are, whether you pass, whether you are gay, whether you are in dress or whatever the circumstances is what helps earn your rights as a person and helps establish and/or keep those rights for others. The only time it seems people are nervous to stand out is when they are embarrassed of who they are. Don't be and certainly don't make your wife feel you are. Let her be proud to walk beside you!
    [/SIZE]
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    [SIZE="3"]"We're all born naked. Everything we wear is drag," said Boy George
    [/SIZE]

  23. #23
    Silver Member Teri Jean's Avatar
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    I am the same person as before but different. Let me explain it this way. When a diamond or many gems are found in the ground they are recognizable but until the jeweler applies his or her talents it still looks the same. But the moment they take the mallet and chisel to the stone the beauty is exposed for the person or world to see. For me it took 60 yrs of lieing in the "ground" before the jeweler exposed the eauty I knew I had all along. Does that help?

    Teri

  24. #24
    Carole carhill2mn's Avatar
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    I think that it is easy to see from all of the different responses provided that this is another "one size does not fit all" situation.
    Early in my CD "life" I probably was the "same guy". I was more interested in the clothes, etc. than in "expressing my femininity". Later in life I began to want/need to do more than just put on women's clothes.
    As I have progressed in my CD life and now "dress" completely, I do act differently when presenting as Carole. I try to assimilate the manners, actions, etc. that I believe to be in keeping with trying to be a "lady". I am more patient, I listen more closely, I try to be more aware of the people around me, I try to be more understanding, less assertive, more polite. I smile more.
    Hugs, Carole

  25. #25
    Gold Member sherri52's Avatar
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    If you want your relationship to last you have to have honesty. For those in the closet from thier wifes that time will come. Your wife already knows you dress. As long as you aren't cheating on her the worst that she knows of is out. Be honest in you feelings and the relationship will either grow or die ( based on how you feel ). If you wait it will be harder to remain friends.

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