Can you have crossdressing friends?

[sandra-leigh]

I was over on Yahoo a few minutes ago, and noticed that they have an article "Dating 101: Can Romantic Partners Have Friends of the Opposite Sex?"

In my twisted little mind, I immediately converted this in to "Can Romantic Partners Have CD/TG Friends"... since such friends would, at least at times, be perceived as being of opposite gender.

The article gives a fair bit of common sense advice for the uncomplicated situation, advice that would also apply well in the more complicated situations.

Still, I will toss out this question, especially to those of you in hetro-gender relationships: have you, in practice, encountered difficulties because your partner felt that going out with other CD/TG folk was effectively (at least at their emotional level) the same as if you were going out with someone of the opposite gender? E.g., if you are a MTF CD and you are friends with another MTF CD, then in practice has there been difficulty with your partner feeling as if you are "going out with a woman"? If so, then has the difficulty existed only if one of you is "presenting" as the other gender than the friend is, or has the difficulty existed only when you are both presenting as female, or has the difficulty existed even if you are both going out as guys?


In my own case, the relationship dynamics don't quite work like that. My wife encourages me to go to the monthly meetings, but isn't fond of my going out with anyone, no matter how I met them... and that situation existed years before I discovered I was a CD. But as far as I can tell, she isn't concerned about me "getting involved" with another CD/TG: she just finds the whole thing (and the people involved) somewhat weird, and a bit of a turn-off.

[KayC]

I haven't encountered this yet but I wouldn't foresee any problems with it...it's natural for people to want to be with others they identify with and relate to, so why wouldn't CDers want to be with other CDers? If you're heterosexual, you aren't likely to want a gay encounter, and no matter what the trappings look like, they are underneath...still male...like yourself. If that is enough to threaten a wife, you already have some serious issues to get through.
What threatens a relationship is lack of trust whether solid based or not...if a person has reason to believe the other is going to cheat, no matter how they're dressed or who they're with, the relationship is going to suffer. What causes those issues? Not CDing, but lack of honesty, lack of morals, lack of fullfilling one another's needs, lack of respect and concern and love. So many GGs have written of their wonderful spouses, how loving and caring they are...those are not the ones with the insecurity issues. When someone leads a double life of secretiveness, that breeds mistrust.

However, I might add, some unaccepting partners might be of the mindset that they want their spouse to just "forget the whole CDing thing"...if that's the case, they might have concern about their partner spending time with other CDers...for fear they might fuel the fire, so to speak. That's not easy to combat, we've had a lot of other threads on helping the spouse to understand, it takes time and patience.

[PaulaJaneThomas]

So your wife thinks you'll have some sort of physical relationship with another TG (who in reality is probably also happily married and has not the slightest interest in you sexually)? Is there something she knows about you that you're not telling?

[Karren H]

Yes I do... A couple locally... We have lunch together in drab... And have gone skating together... One of them lives a few miles from me and his kids and my kids went to school together... Always bumping into eachother with our familys.... Just a couple of guy friends with the same hobby! Nothing more...

[sandra-leigh]

So your wife thinks you'll have some sort of physical relationship with another TG

No, you read my posting too quickly. It was not a "I have this, uh, 'friend'" posting, just a posting inspired by something I read.

In the last paragraph, I specifically said that she does not appear to be concerned about me getting into a "relationship" with a CD/TG. Which might be because she seems them as male even when they are dressed... even the ones who are going through hormones and are on their way to GRS.

(who in reality is probably also happily married and has not the slightest interest in you sexually)?

In our social club, there was one person who gave off vibes of being a little too interested in me; that person died (disease) earlier this year.

The rest of them have no apparent interest in me sexually. On the other hand, (A) relatively few of them are happily married; (B) several of them are homosexual or bisexual, and at least one of them is pansexual; and (C) several of them are bi-sexual swingers and have issued open invitations to related events. Thus, although it is a CD'ing society, one should not be too fast to assume that the members are strictly into "Genetic Male with Genetic Female": I would estimate that at least 40% of our social group have, in my hearing, expressed some broad-mindedness in choice of partners (and another 40% of our club membership say very little at the meetings so their opinions on such matters are indeterminate.)


But that's the local situation; my question is intended to invite people to talk about their own experiences in this potentially-fraught topic. It is, in a sense, a natural extension of the "straight until dressed" behavior that some of the forum members have discussed, mixed together with the traditional "Are you gay?!" question: how are people finding in practice that their partners are perceiving their dressing as a potential threat about finding a new partner?

[sterling12]

In my Support Group, there probably have been Wives who initially came to The Meetings to sort of "Bird dog" all The Gurls, and assure themselves that there Hubby wasn't attending some sort of Orgy. But they quickly "loosen up."

As a general rule, they quickly realize that it's not about "that!" After just a few months, they are more likely to suggest something like: "You go ahead and attend by yourself tonight, it just bores me...have fun with your friends."

Even when we go out to Clubs, I think The Wives think it's more amusing than anything, if Hubby suddenly finds himself with a new Admirer/Friend. I have heard it more than once: "Now, he knows what it feels like!" "Lets just see how he handles the unwanted attention."

If your marriage is solid, if she isn't feeling insecure; TG Friendships are not a threat. Even if people around you are "pan-sexual," they can't make you do anything you don't want to do. If She understands that being TG is just a part of you, she will be happy for you; as you have now found some happiness in friendship with another kindred person.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[PaulaJaneThomas]

No, you read my posting too quickly. It was not a "I have this, uh, 'friend'" posting, just a posting inspired by something I read.

In the last paragraph, I specifically said that she does not appear to be concerned about me getting into a "relationship" with a CD/TG. Which might be because she seems them as male even when they are dressed... even the ones who are going through hormones and are on their way to GRS.

Which leaves me scratching my head wondering what your point is.

[Rebecca Jayne]

I have several girl friends that I world with, or they were from a work related environment who I would have lunch, dinner, cocktails, evenings outs, to the theater, movie etc


And its all good with my wife since she doesn't drink or carry on or this or that.
we are so opposite we have to attract each other.

[Toni_Lynn]

Quite probably no. Its not because my wife wouldn't allow it or anything, but I guess its because I feel like I'm just not like other CDers. Every time I joined a CD group, I bowed out after 6 months or so because I just didn't feel like I belonged there. Being shy and introverted doesn't hurt either.

I've always been one to have few friends, but all of them are deep friends. My wife is like that too, so maybe that's why we click so well!

Huggles

Toni-Lynn

[tuck n9ne]

i wouldn't have been able to start if it wasn't for a cross dressing friend to show me the ropes, i was wayy to nervous to go out by myself, or shop.

[sandra-leigh]

Which leaves me scratching my head wondering what your point is.

I'm a natural researcher. I analyze. I pattern-match. I form hypotheses. I ask questions. I read material elsewhere and I ponder how it would translate into the CD/TG world, and I write up the analogy and post it for feedback and reality-testing.

Perhaps I should simplify the situation under test:

If you happen to be a MTF CD or TG, and if it happens that your partner disapproves of you going out for the evening or "doing things" or "hanging out" with women who are not relatives, then have you found in practice that your partner also disapproves of you doing similar activities with male CD/TG (especially if they are dressed) because to your partner it "feels like" you are going out with a woman?


(And to clarify, the answer for me is "My partner thinks of male CD/TG/TS as strange or weird males, no matter how they are dressed, and is concerned far more about me becoming 'weirder' by associating with such people than she is concerned about the hypothetical possibility of my 'getting involved' with one of them.")

[sherri52]

I'm divorced but my opinion is that they can have friends that are cd'ers. If both wifes are accepting they would accept the fact that thier spouse would like to have friends who enjoy the same pasttime. As both men are hetro there is no danger of cheating, keeping thier relationship strong. It's a win win situation.

[Sally2005]

I think the most unusual case would be being enfem and meeting with another who is not...so you appear as a man and woman couple. I think the appearance of two guys or two woman makes it easier to understand as a casual friendship and would bring less jealeous thoughts if there were any.

[Shari]

Sandra, first off, i saw the article you referred to.

I'm sure there are many like me who have never had a same sex relationship but have fantasized about it. When dressed, the feelings become even stronger.

Given the reality of actually going to a meeting, I think that my anxiety at being out and seen dressed would be the strongest emotion. It would probably overule any thoughts unless I reached a comfort level.
Still for others, the "turkey is on the table" if you know what I mean.

I have always felt that being friends with a member of the opposite sex was at best, a stretch. Sooner or later sexual feelings would somehow have to enter the mix.
I feel the same way about crossdressers coming together. There are dominants and submissives and an already inordinate number of open homosexual or bisexual girls. You mentioned 40%. Quite a large number. What of the 40 odd percent taht apparently have no outward preference?
It would be sort of like "temptation island" for many. A few toddys, some words of flattery, that special look.......

There are always those who would never be swayed, but in MHO, I would think many are just asking for trouble.

The gg wives have to be thinking the same things.

[DonnaT]

My wife really does not like it if I have a close friendship with a WAFAB (woman assigned female at birth). She knows I have friendships with several other CDs, and has met them.

I don't think she'd appreciate it too much if I were to start spending more time with them, rather that the occasional get together. My time is her time, most of the time.

And when we travel, she gets quite upset if I make plans to meet someone I've met online. Even though she's included in the plans. Vacation time is "our time".

[DaphneGrey]

I have no crossdressing friends in real life, a couple of Transexual friends. And many gg friends and male friends. As far as my Gg friends go Mrs Daphne does not mind at all. She recognizes that we are indeed girlfriends and nothing more. Much the same way she hasgirl friends.

As for the crossdresser friends I have tried to make friends with others in real time but it never worked out. So I don't bother trying. Had some terrible experiences with support groups. And to many people I have met on the Internet just flake out. I an getting off topic there sorry.

I don't think my wife would feel threatened though if I had crossdressing friends.

[Jessica Who]

I have some TG friends around here and my wife has no qualms about me hanging out with them, at least as far as I know

[Eleanor M]

I have a couple of close online TG/CD friends and noone in my offline life knows about them.

[Daphne Renee]

Unfortunatley I dont have any CD friends to hang out with. I am thinking my wife would not have a problem with this.