How do you show support the GGs you love?

[Leigh58]

Hi,
I'm a GG married to a CD. We're really just now digging deep into the issue of his cross-dressing even though I've known about it to some extent for the past 17 years (I've been in denial, most of the time, as well as grossly uninformed!).

My question to all of you CDs is how have you helped your spouse/SO as you work through the issues and questions and insecurities that arise? I'm struggling to understand and to process all of this. And we ARE talking: A LOT!

I would appreciate any help. Thanks! (PS, I love the little icons!!!)

[Karren H]

I show my love by keeping my hobby out of her face!! The way she wants it... And if "she who must be obeyed" is happy... Everyone is happy! Lol.

[Leigh58]

Love it, Karren!! You seem like an awesome human being! Thanks.
I'm discovering that my husband is more wonderful than I ever realized!

[Angie G]

First of all let me commend you on your opened mind and for talking this thing out. Just let him know you love and support Hun how ever he is dressed. But there must be some ground rules with you both will set up. Talking is the key for you both need to know what the other wants and needs. Again I commend you for your efforts. Your one of the best Leigh.
Angie

[Sedona]

Leigh,

Good questions. My situation is different than yours. Mainly, my wife (told her when we were dating) was concerned that I might be gay. Also, her second fear was that I wanted to live as a woman. Once she realized for sure that I'm straight, the give and take issues began. I don't really care so much about going out dressed, so that's not a big concern. But, I do enjoy the occasional hike or bike ride dressed (out in the country, away from the neighbors)

But, I do like to get a full body wax and nails once or twice a year. The waxing I can hide, but I take vacation time to enjoy the acrylics. This week is one such week. When she's out of the house, I make damn sure she comes home to a clean one, and I do extra stuff like carpet shampooing, basement organization, on top of making her a nice dinner and getting her flowers.

I think if your husband is good at listening to your concerns, and IS HONEST with his level of CDing activity, you'll feel much better in the long run. Being trustworthy is key.

Good luck, and hang in there!

[Leigh58]

I do appreciate the comments! One on this thread has a hard time understanding how 17 yrs could go by without us opening dealing with this (and I DO apologize for not posting with greater clarity!). I suppose the reasons are very complicated. But we both realize that we are at a point in our lives when we CAN deal with it; with my insecurities and fears, as well as his. We are now empty nesters, so that makes it easier! In some ways, I guess we've both been in denial.

I now feel like I can ask him anything and he can ask ME anything. What a freeing experience that is for both of us!

Hey, hope all of you have a great day! It's going to beautiful in our part of the country (USA)

[Kathi Lake]

Leigh,

You have the right idea - talk!!

I'm sure that you have all the "standard" issues talked out - sexual orientation, where your spouse fits on the "transgender spectrum" (usually along the lines of wanting to change their sex on one end to wearing clothes for non-sexual reasons on the other), to frequency and amount of dressing. If not, please don't put it off. It may well be the most embarrassing discussion of your lives, but one of the most important as well.

Personally, I have helped my spouse by not just talking, but listening. I try to be the man in the relationship when she needs it. She lets me be the woman in the relationship when I need it. It's a balance as sometimes those needs come at the same time. Usually, I defer to her when this happens. We talk about boundaries - when I can do what I do and where. Basically, I try to meet her needs while not neglecting my own.

I also love her and try to understand the situation from her perspective. Yes, it is a bit odd. However, like you, she loves me for who and what I am. Within that framework, we can do anything!

Kathi

[Sarah Doepner]

The big things tend to take care of themselves. Usually.

We talk about our lives, not just crossdressing and me needing my space, but about kids, grandkids, her sister, her sister's family, the neighbor's kids dog, etc. I listen, fetch and carry and do what I can to carry my share of the household, and when she's sick I do hers. And like Karren, I try to limit her exposure to my CDing particularly when she isn't interested. It gets difficult when the old pink fog hits, but it seems to work.

I do get my girl time in and I can't complain.

[LisaElizabeth]

"How to support the one you love" Hmm..... I guess it's like any other couple! You talk and talk an talk and discover things TOGETHER.... At least my wife and I have done this for 33+ years! So at 17 you guys are just 'young pups'!
We have come to a compromise when it comes to when 'Lisa' is around. That has been worked out over the years and changes with how we are feeling. We did halloween costumes last year and Lisa was around a lot for fittings and makeup! This year, Halloween isn't fitting into our schedule so Lisa isn't around as much.
I let my 'fur' grow out for 8 months of the year and only shave it when I'm planning a night out. This helps to keep her happy, since she likes my chest hair! (Why, I have NO Idea!) We have been talking about lser beard removal, but after letting mine grow for 3 days there is a lot of Grey in it now!! 10 years ago, it would have been a much more feasible thing, but laser was pretty new back then.
I attend her art gallery openings, I remodel the house to make things the way she wants them, I fix the cars and always have one that she can just hop into, maybe add gas and drive anywhere she wants. I help with laudry, dishes, cleaning and shopping, food, Walmart, clothes, all of the 'types'.
I guess that just makes us like any other 'older' married couple, except for the 'furless' periods!
Leigh, there isn't any 'magic' when it comes to relationships, just a committment to each other that no matter what challeng faces you, both of you are willing to work through it and truly fight for your marriage!
Raising kids is always a challenge, but the 2 of you survived that! (After raising our youngest, I now understand why some species will eat their young!!)
SO this should just be another bump in the highway of life.
Just my $.02,
Lisa Elizabeth

[Lorileah]

After being together 33 years (she died this year) I still have trouble trying to understand how things suddenly become different for some people. Especially the "now you know, how can I make it up to you?" mindset. I can see now just how lucky I was for all those years. We didn't play the "Make me feel better about YOU" game.

In those years we did many games. Things like "If I do ____ can I have____?" Didn't work well because if the second party did honor their part of it, you could tell they didn't enjoy it. One should not have to do things different just because they come out about dressing. You don't change your mindset when you change your clothing (at least I don't). We let the other do what they wanted and if we wanted to participate we did, if not we knew that soon the other would return to how things were, happier. You don't have to be attached 24/7.

So I don't get the "She allows me to dress so I clean the house" mentality. Or I bring her roses when she lets me dress mentality. Are you buying love? Clean the freakin house in your cruddy boxers during football commercials. Fix the leak in the sink but don't beg to wear that frilly slip after (hey, if I was fixing the drip, my wife didn't care if I was dressed like a plumber with my crack showing.)

This should be an equal partnership. You should support your spouse no matter what or else you are married to the wrong person. This goes for both sexes.

How did I show support? I was her best friend, we talked, we did things we both enjoyed together and when one didn't we did them apart. Sure I could have done more, I wanted more on occasion, but just being there as best friends and lovers was the key. This should not be a case of "Do this and I'll do that". How should you show your support? No matter what you wear? It should not change just because of clothing. When everyone realizes that the person you see in the pretty skirt is still the same guy who made you laugh, who held your hand when you were afraid, who was breathless awaiting your answer when you got the ring, you will see that it is just clothes. It works the other way also. You go through life evolving, growing. But should grow together, not using love as a bartering tool.

[mklinden2010]

For at least 15 years, I've been baffled by CDers, TGs, etc. relating in support groups, on television, in bars, etc. about their wives, "not helping, not supporting, not participating."

But, I have tried to relate - as unlike my own experiences with my SOs these descriptions have been. Frankly, I've thought that a lot of my success or "luck" had to do with my taking responsibility for my choices and actions - and going to bat for myself.

However, I really don't think I've been giving my SOs enough credit. True, I picked them first, but having done so their "good" responses have been stellar.

And, EVERY time it has come down to their deciding "It's my life and let me see how I can work this into our life."

I have never, ever, come out to anyone where things went smoothly without "that side" saying, "Oh, really? Huh? Well, let's (as in "let us") see how we can work with this.

Sure, sometimes it starts out as, "Whaaaat?" But, I have to say, once I brought it up, it's been the same "type" of person, those who "deal with the real" in taking care of THEIR/OUR relationship who very quickly get down to cases and work out the bumps in OUR road.

"It's not your problem, it's OUR problem. And, come to think of it, I know you pretty well and I don't think it IS a problem..."

Not in the last three decades of living with some great long-term SOs.

(Yeah, sorry. People die and you have to start again. But, once you know you can, it's not so bad.)

[Angel.Marie76]

As someone who started off CDing, and has now been slowly transitioning to a distant future as full-time (F/T) female, my SO and I have been trying to work through many things. Her and I talk about times when it's appropriate to 'go out' together dressed, home time and alone time dressed, all with the reality that this pattern will slowly and assuredly end with an eventual transition to throw away everything manly and move on - with or without her.

Everything is important to talk about, and nothing should be off limits. Depending on the root reasonings for the CDing, there could be embedded questions about his/her sexuality, his/her future, and so on and on. You may realize that there are many questions that he doesn't even know the answers to, and that helping him work through that together with ultimately strengthen or, at least, clarify your bonds. It is important in your relationship to communicate as much as possible, and to be aware that there is no black or white, pink or blue when it comes to figuring out where many of us lie in this 'genderland'. If communication is, at least, clear, then when it all comes out in the wash and placed before you on the table, hopefully the next decisions are as clear as possible.

[Melissa in hose]

I stated this once before in a thread earlier this year, but we have a mutual understanding. It is a great thing to have a wife who is so accepting. Mine has fully embraced my need to dress and even makes suggestions about what I should wear to flatter my figure. We do not allow the crossdressing to dominate our lives and we have a good balance of recreation and work and together time. I do not desire to dress all the time, and she does not ever tell me I shouldn't dress. It is almost a reverse psychology for both of us. I do not feel the need to dress all the time because I know that she knows I do it and I know I can dress when I want to. Ity helps that I do not have a desire to go out while dressed.

[Leigh58]

My husband just checked out this thread again and told me that I should read what is written here. It seems like now that we are both open to growing in this part of our lives, we are talking about it several times a day. I know that as we become more comfortable with this new openness between us we will focus less on the CDing and more on the other aspects of our lives.

I think my husband is finally allowing himself to fully examine something that he always had as much trouble talking about as I had in really listening. We talked about other things, but not so much this. And I have come to realize in the past couple of weeks that this IS who he is and not to have it out in the open is so unfair to him and to our marriage.

Lorileah, I'm so sorry you lost the love of your life. My heart goes out to you. It sounds like she was a beautiful soul!

To all of you, you can't know (or maybe you do) what your kind and generous and honest responses me to me and to my hubby. I wish I had found this site a long time ago.
Blessings!

[Lorileah]

Lorileah, I'm so sorry you lost the love of your life. My heart goes out to you. It sounds like she was a beautiful soul!

I wish I had found this site a long time ago.

Thank you so much.

That made me stop and think. I didn't feel the need for this site prior to the last year, probably because I had the support I needed at home. Now everyone here is my new family.

[Tina B.]

Leigh, yes at first when you start talking it seems like it dominates everything, but after a while it becomes just a small part of daily life. when you can't come out and dress the need to express yourself gets stronger and stronger, but as you can express yourself you become more relaxed about it, and of course after a while the novelty of the newness wears off.
As far as supporting my wife, after I told her about myself, I was fearless in answering anything she wanted to know, and beyond the dressing, she knows she is my best friend and no matter what she wants to do in life, I will be right there to support her in anyway I can. I am a true help mate in we share the load at home, as I do as much around the house as she does, including cooking, cleaning and laundry. I know what it's like to come home at the end of the day tiered, so I don't expect her to wait on me anymore than she expects me to wait on her. And when she is sick I make a pretty good nurse, used to have the uniform to prove it!
But to keep this from getting any longer let me just say it's all about mutual love, understanding and respect.
Tina

[Toni_Lynn]

The answer is quite simple as to how I support my wife as CDer. I never let the girl within be more important in my life than she is.

Of course there are all the other things like buying her flowers, helping in the kitchen, making supper when she's had a long day, taking the dog out, making coffee for her in the morning, awakening her with a kiss, making her number one in all things, sitting and watching a movie that she wants to watch that I don't like, buying as pretty panties and bras for her as I buy for myself, making her intimate sexual pleasure more important than mine, and just in general being her partner in crime

Huggles

Toni-Lynn

[Leigh58]

There are some very blessed SOs out there, if these posts are any indication! My husband took out time from his busy day to take me to the doctor this afternoon. And then he brought me chicken strips from McDonalds tonight since I've been a bit under the weather today.

Again, thank you one and all!

[mklinden2010]

In regards to the previous edit of my post, do what you like; I think you run a good show.

However, removing the reference, even if sarcastic to make the point stick, to the 17 years of getting nothing resolved guts the premise that one makes one's own luck, both good and bad.

My bet is that this couple will get more worked out in the next 24 hours than they have in the past 17 years.

He may be a crossdresser, but it's not "his" issue, it's "our" issue. And, not "some day," but today and everyday.

Mates that act otherwise are not honestly (There's that word again!) rowing the same boat - and that creates at least half the relationship problems discussed in these posts.

[Sedona]

Leigh,

We're all pulling for you both, thanks for sharing. But, by all means, remember that most of us here are armchair shrinks.

If you find you need guidance you aren't getting here, or from your husband, a professional who deals with gender issues may help guide you both along.

[KayC]

LoriLeah, I am sorry you lost your wife, I've been there (four years ago), it's very hard. You had a long time together!
You offered some very sound insight here. I agree, it shouldn't be a bargaining (thanks for letting me wear my dress, I bought you some roses and by the way I cleaned the house). Cleaning the house just needs done by whoever has time for it, and the roses...that should be "just because"...not in conjunction with "allowing" you to be who you are. (Does she buy you roses because you let her dress the way she wants to?) I wish we could get away from that kind of thinking and really just respect and love each other as people, how we are.

[Gisele]

Leigh,

You are a good person from what I have read here. Just rememeber, it is give and take and not just on your part but your husbands as well. He will need to know that you will need "your man" from time to time. Lord knows mine does even though I am wearing panties 24/7365 LOL.

Keep up the good work on talking to each other. That is the key to making it work.

Also remember if you need to talk or need anything to come here first. We are family here!

, Gisele