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Thread: Serious Topic...Have you thought about dying?

  1. #1
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    Serious Topic...Have you thought about dying?

    Hi Girls,

    Sorry that I haven't been on here much lately but my life has been in somewhat of a tailspin for a variety of reasons.

    Let me begin by putting some of your possible fears at ease. I'm going to be ok. Don't worry. Things are looking much better now.

    Ok, let's begin...

    I had a bad night one night and told my wife "I wish I was dead". She obviously got very upset.

    Now I don't want to kill myself. I couldn't do that for a variety of reasons. But I do think that some of us start to get on a destructive path where we doing things with the subconscious objective of slowly killing ourselves.

    When I blurted out those words it really made me think. Have any of you considered suicide or at least contemplated whether or not the world would be better or without you?

    I know this is a very dark topic but something that I think a lot of us face.

    I know I have. I would not say that it has even or ever gotten close to the "serious" level but I would say that I have thought about death almost every day lately.

    I think it is combination of some financial hurdles I'm having to face right now (daughter in college, getting married, etc) as well as coming to grips with the fact that I'm not 20 years old any more (44 at last count) and obviously the challeges that being transgendered present.

    So what do you think? Am I sick for thinking about these things or is it just a natural part of life?

    I'm looking forward to hearing from you...

    Kisses,

    Allie

  2. #2
    Gold Member DonnaT's Avatar
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    Nothing has ever gotten me so down that I would think that I'd rather be dead.

    I'd rather fight, whatever the fight may entail.
    DonnaT

  3. #3
    This is a difficult subject for me because I've thought about it many times. I will also watch this topic closely.

    Allie, I wish you the best.

    Monica.

  4. #4
    Adventuress Kate Simmons's Avatar
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    I've accomplished everything I set out to do and was ready to leave this "party" 4 years ago. Problem is I had a near death experience and was told during that it wasn't time yet. I had more work to do and had to take care of my family. What that means has been revealed over these last four years. I'm still ready to go but my friends and family seem to keep me rooted for now. In any case, I'm under the opinion that death here is merely the beginning of another experience.

  5. #5
    Ice queen Lorileah's Avatar
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    Considering death is a natural thing. One weighs possible "outs" and that is one out. Going beyond thinking about it and instituting it is another thing. You are "normal" in the fact that you thought about it then logically reconsidered based on what is right for you. Depression and fear are something most people go through. Face it, not many of us live out our lives the way it was planned ( I was supposed to be rich, good looking and famous...you see how that worked out). So don't feel all alone. Maybe here, more so than other sites, I think we all look at our selves introspectively and critically. That is why, I think, this site has more caring individuals than most.

    44 huh? Lets put the stereotype machine on. Mid life. I do believe in that. That is when I decided after fighting with myself (you notice when you fight with yourself you lose no matter what?) that why should I care if people see me in a dress. Why should I kill myself and not get some fun and relaxation for myself? (I had not taken a "vacation" in 20 years where I did not fear what was happening in my absence.) I have you by a decade here. Take what I know now for what it is worth. This is a short ride. You should enjoy it as long as it lasts. They don't issue re-rides. Most of what you are feeling, is felt by almost everyone at sometime, don't let it ferment. Things are not going to turn out the way you planned. Don't be surprised when they don't. Take what you have and go on. Remain as positive as you can. Everyone has days that are gloomy but the next can be a lot better. Most important, talk to someone. Your best friend, your lover, your pastor and when all else fails someone who has read a book. Or your friends here. Who understands you better than someone who thinks like you?

    So, one you are not strange, you are quite "normal". Two you have friends, even invisible ones who type funny. It is good you question things. Oh and never regret anything that makes you happy
    Last edited by Lorileah; 10-16-2009 at 12:00 PM. Reason: spelling
    The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
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    “Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,

  6. #6
    The Anima Corrupt Wen4cd's Avatar
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    I think a lot of self-destructive urges, fantasies, or exhibited behaviors come from the fact that ego-consciousness is always calling out for its own destruction and rebirth into the 'selfless' Self. It's the end result of most large-scale conscious desire. Stress will agitate it, but it's always there. It's symbolic of change and big stages of development, that go on through life. It's people who take it too literally that actually do the physical act.

    You will see people starting new lives after breaking points, and they're happier and generally live outside of themselves for the remainder.

    You can see people here 'killing' their old selves and rebirthing, more than elsewhere. They (We) put 'gender masks' on it here, but the death/rebirth motif is a phenomenon that goes across the board regardless.
    Last edited by Wen4cd; 10-16-2009 at 11:49 AM.
    And so we go, on with our lives...
    We know the Truth, but prefer Lies.
    Lies are simple, simple is Bliss.
    Why go against tradition, when we can admit defeat,
    Live in Decline, be the victim of our own design?

  7. #7
    Member Ann Thomas's Avatar
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    Only a brief thought like that has passed through my head once or twice in my life. Having had a close friend commit suicide some years ago, I found out how incredibly selfish such an act is. I always used to think, "Oh that poor person, driven to do such a thing!" But then I met my wife and foundout from her that she gets quite angry when she hears of someone doing it. I *had* to find out why - that seemed almost counterintuitive.

    To attempt suicide means the person is so engrossed in their own problems that they have no consideration for those around them. Whatever messes in their lives is left for their family and friends to have to clean up, whether they succeed or not. Being deeply engrossed in oneself makes a lot of things fall by the wayside, like rent, bills, taxes, insurance, not to mention the trauma it leaves family and friends in. It makes them suddenly the *most* important thing on the planet - everyone has to drop what they're doing and care for one another's griefs, and then on top of that, do all kinds of planning, book plane fares with no advance warning, take time off from their work, personal lives, and so on. I'm hardly even touching on the ripple effects of it. I think that alone would deter me from ever considering it even briefly.

    I know this post must sound cold, but it's the stark reality of suicide. My wife told me about all this years ago, as she worked as a suicide prevention counselor. She worked in that capacity at a major TV network headquarters. Every freaking week someone calls and says, "If you don't put me on the air so I can say my message [any message you can imagine and then some], I'm going to kill myself!!!!" It requires all the networks to have a trained crisis counselor on staff 24/7, with extra staffing on the normal peaks for suicide attempts. I won't tell you all their tricks, but they almost never lose a suicidal person, and yet the messages from them never get broadcast either, or the airwaves would get slammed full of them.

    Suicides peak during holidays, when people get really lonely, and self-centered. "Oh Whoa is ME! The World just doesn't understand ME!" Honestly these people don't understand the world around them. The vast majority of suicides occur here in the USA on Christmas Day. Instead of getting all selfish, the best way to combat that is to find some way of volunteering that day in the community. Find some where to go and help, like a church, synagogue, temple, mosque, homeless shelter, battered women's shelter, *anywhere* that you can go and help. Get your focus off of yourself and onto helping others, and it will make a huge difference. You'll feel appreciated, and feel some sense of fulfillment that will help clear away the clouds. (Getting professional help is always the number one option, but is not always affordable, or accessible.)

    Sorry for the long post, but we're heading towards the longer nights and holiday periods when suicides most occur.

    Thank you so much for asking the question. I really needed to hear all that myself as well.

    Hugs and best wishes over the holidays (really I mean it),
    Ann

  8. #8
    Member Gizmo, Debbie's Avatar
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    Unhappy

    Sadly i too have those sort of thoughts.
    And i get them very often at that, 2 - 3 times a week or there abouts.

  9. #9
    Member PhillyGuy2Girl's Avatar
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    Allie,

    As I always say, you can't worry about what may or may not happen. In my opinion, the future is just the past that hasn't happen yet.

    The financial hurdles will work out. I just went through a little financial hurdle myself,I was concerned of course but it worked out because I had a great week at work.(I work in a tipping position at a hotel)Plus this Sunday,I 'm helping my friend's father close and cover his pool and he offered to pay me well.

    The age matter,I'm 44 myself(Will be 45 in January) and I don't feel a day over 30. Not to sound like I'm bragging,but I've be told I look at least 10 years younger. Looking at your pictures,you look alot younger also.Plus you have a loving wife and a daughter. I have a loving wife but we couldn't have children(its a long story,won't bore you with the details) but looking back,it would've been nice to have a son and a daughter myself. Age is just another number. We may not be 20 years old anymore,but we are not old either.

    Things always seem to have a way to work out.


    One more thing,a piece of friendly advice. I know you said you wouldn't ever consider suicide,but if that feeling does start to come over you,PLEASE talk to someone right away. A counselor,Preist,Minster,Rabbi or a loved one. Take it from me, I've lost a 2 family members and a friend who committed suicide and it puts the loved ones who are left behind through alot of emotional stress and emptiness.

    Allie,you take care and as I said,things will work out in the long run. If you need someone to talk to,we are all here for you and feel free to PM if you want to. Good luck and lets us know how things turn out.


    HUGGS

    Felicity
    "Its now official,my femme name is Felicity"

    Have to drink to that.


    "Proud To Be My Wife's Part Time Wife"

  10. #10
    CD in S.A. Kimmy55's Avatar
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    Suicide is the easy way out.I have come to realize that nothing is that bad or grevious that taking the easy way out will accomplish anything.No matter who you are or what you have gone through or are going through there is someone out there that is in much worse shape that yourself."I was sad because because I had no shoes.Then I met a man that had no feet".Not sure who said that but whoever it was they make a good point.Dont you agree?
    Kimmy 55

  11. #11
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    When you become DEAD you can not later become UNDEAD....
    Just stop and think of what your family and freinds would think. How would you feel if one of yor freinds thought the way you are thinking.
    Death is the final solutation and one there you can not un do it.

  12. #12
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    when the grim reeper comes for me ill go not untill then

  13. #13
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    i never ever had what I call a "death thought"....until about 4 years ago, and that's when my floodgates opened and i started to realize how trapped and unhappy i was about my physical gender...

    and I would have these thoughts all the time...this was very distressing to me because I've always been a happy go lucky person

    Once I started the serious part of my transition, those thoughts completely stopped and are the farthest thing from my mind

  14. #14
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    First of all...no, I don't think the world would be a better place without me, AND, you shouldn't think the world would be a better place without you. Just think of all the people you have come into contact with and have made their lives better. Sure, there are alot of problems one faces throughout life, but, it could be alot worse. You don't cancer, Parkinson's disease, leukemia, or any other serious, life threatening disease...do you? I hope not.....we would certainly not be better off without you...so put those thoughts away. Life is short enough. Take the positives and put them to work and forget the negatives!!!!

  15. #15
    Member Lisalove1976's Avatar
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    I usually have those kind of thought when I'm in one of those "urgently need to dress" modes... other than that I'm good...

  16. #16
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    No way

    Leave early.
    No way.
    There is way too much to do here.

    There are ups and there are downs.

    But there have been ups and there will be more.

  17. #17
    Miss Conception Karren H's Avatar
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    Nope. Never really get depressed and have never even thought that thought...
    Current Obsession - Breasts and Lingerie!

    .......My Photos

  18. #18
    Gold Member MJ's Avatar
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    yes i have my days where i just want to end it all. i have a plan and the meds to do it i call it my plan z. sadly i see no decent future and when i get stressed plan z is on my mind.
    funny thing today is a very bad day for me. and i was thinking about this subject when i saw this thread.

    no i'm ok right now but i wonder why i bother sometimes
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  19. #19
    Member Barbara918's Avatar
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    I have similar thoughts frequently -- have had ever since I became a widower 21 years ago. (God knew it was supposed to be a package deal!)
    As for "what would family think?" -- doesn't matter, since I've outlived most of them.
    Don't get me wrong -- I'm not suicidal; I have no intention of ending my life. But if I see the end coming, nor will I do anything to prevent it.
    And for the record, I fully intend to be wearing my finest dress in the casket.

  20. #20
    GG Dutchess's Avatar
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    Pardon if a GG butts in here .....

    but yes I have thought of this many times over the years ,, mainly because I have been sick for a long,long time and sometimes I get tired of fighting, tired of feeling bad and tired of living a half life , it doesnt affect my appearance so much but I have a chronic illness,with a lot of pain and sometimes trouble breathing, so I really have to want to go on sometimes.. For me sometimes it is living that is the harder thing to do.. I sometimes really have to think of my youngest daughter and my precious husbands sweet little faces, to take my mind away from it ..
    During my illness, the priest has had to be called to the hospital for me,, so I have been close before. That is also very traumatic if you are aware enough to know what is going on .
    IG : Knightress Oxide

  21. #21
    Member Sara Jean's Avatar
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    yes I have
    Last Summer I spent around two weeks planning how I was going to do it and was about 30 min away from carrying it out when I got a random phone call. it was a huge number of things at once that got me into that position. I wont go into all the details but up intill i had reached that point i thought anyone talking about that kind of thing was stupid and couldnt understand how someone could feel that down. of my 2 or so friends I have I tried to talk to them but they blew me off and that fueled the depression even more

  22. #22
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    Pardon me if I procrastinate...

    Sure, I've thought of dying, but it's the last thing I want to do, ever. Really, no rush.. No hurry...

    When I was younger, I suppose we all talked about it now and then. It just never seemed a bright idea to speed things along.

    As time passed, I've known people who tried, and some who were unfortunately good at it. All left confusion, hurt, worry, heartbreak in their wake - even the ones who "only" maimed themselves or ruined their minds.

    "Negative" feelings to me are signals to pay attention and get back on a better track. Sort of like that "rumble strip" next to the freeway lane on that "idiot light" for the oil pressure on the dash board. Neither means, "Speed up!," or, "Don't stop!"

    Life should be happy, or, as happy as you can make it. Even a little bit is "better."

    Set some goals, try, then set some new ones and try again.

    Life is for living. So, live.

  23. #23
    The 100th sheep GaleWarning's Avatar
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    Where to begin ...

    Suicides here in New Zealand account for more deaths each year than road accidents, yet the subject is taboo and one may not speak openly about it in schools, nor will the government countenance a suicide prevention TV campaign along the lines of its anti-drink-driving ones.

    The problem will not go away, if you simply ignore it.

    Once a year, here in Auckland, SPINZ organises a rememberance service for all those touched by the death of a loved one. I attended it last year (SD has lost a number of relatives in this way). When one sees how each individual family member and friend still carries the cross of loss, one is moved to agree with Ann Carpenter that killing oneself is a thoughtless, selfish action.

    It is also a huge waste of human potential. Many people only achieve their real reason for living this life at its very end, for example, those who perish saving someone else's life. Who knows why we have been placed upon this earth?

    This life is certain and there is so much joy to be experienced, even in adversity (and I am in this cycle myself, right now) that to leave the pub before closing time shuts out the possibility of having the last dance with your future (don't you love mixed metaphors?).

    To all of you who are feeling down ... you are NOT alone ... things will change for the better if you will only exercise some patience.

    Love you all

    C

  24. #24
    Complex Lolita...
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    Quote Originally Posted by AllieSummers
    When I blurted out those words it really made me think. Have any of you considered suicide or at least contemplated whether or not the world would be better or without you?
    I know this is a very dark topic but something that I think a lot of us face.

    [SIZE="2"]A serious subject, indeed. When I was young I was fascinated by suicide, then my female neighbor’s son shot himself, upstairs in her house, and I witnessed the aftermath and heartache that ensued. I’ll never forget the look on the mother’s face at the memorial -- a look of total devastation. Very, very sad, and so unnecessary…

    Since then, I’ve always looked on the bright side, but it’s hard sometimes. I don’t have your family pressure and assorted worries, Allie, but my own worries take their toll. The world would scarcely notice my passing, in fact I could safely be called “one who fell through the cracks,” but what of it? I’m happy to be alive, able to see things clearly, and pleased to be here, among my friends. One can’t help but think about death, but don’t forget to think about life…

    I used to work in a cemetery as a gravedigger, so I have a different perspective on death (in general). Standing in a grave, atop a human skull that needs to be reburied to make room for a new occupant, changes how you think about the inevitable. Based on that experience, I certainly think about death, but I know exactly where I’m going -- back to where it all started. Why be fearful or morbid about such certainty? I’m just looking forward to the ultimate dispersal of the self in all of nature. I keep thinking about those Zen monks of yore that attempted to die standing up – when one actually accomplished the feat, the others would laugh, knock him over, and just keep going…

    Not to make light of the subject, but whenever I feel depressed (a rare thing, I’m glad to say), I listen to a little Joy Division – that cures me immediately. I suddenly realize I’m not that depressed…[/SIZE]

  25. #25
    Senior Member Ruth's Avatar
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    I believe in the old cliche, "While there's life there's hope." What that means in practical terms is that no matter how bad things seem, there is always the possibility of something better turning up.
    I did in fact have a period of bad depression some years ago, and whilst it got very black a few times, my basic thought always was - this will pass, surely. And it did.
    I am now turned 60 and happier now than I can recall ever being in the past.
    So don't give up. And besides, the Lord will take you when he's good and ready.
    [SIZE="2"]Always be true to yourself because the people who matter don’t mind, and the people who mind don’t matter.[/SIZE]

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