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Thread: A big dilema

  1. #26
    wanna be GIRLY madison lee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by maryklinden View Post
    >>Yes I did hide it from my wife for 20+ yrs and am now have many deep problems over it. I just don't want her to go through what my wife is going through. Yet if she is okay with it then I will be supportive.

    any way I need/want to know what you girls think.



    What do I think?

    I think you're a hypocrite:

    "A person who professes beliefs and opinions that he or she does not hold in order to conceal his or her real feelings or motives"

    You can figure out the rest.



    Don't hold back Mary....tell us how you really feel! lol

  2. #27
    Rebecca Ras's Avatar
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    Have a chat with your daughter to make sure she is on the same page. I don't think you need to out yourself but if she asks how you know so much you may wish to share your CDing with her.

    Depending on how the conversation goes with your daughter, youmay also want to have a chat with him to see where he stands knowing that he will most likely say he was just goofing around. But you can still let him know that what ever they doo together is cool as long as both are happy. That is the bottom line.

    It is too bad your wife is so pig headed and sounds like it is just a matter of time before you will leave as you know as well as I do that your dressing will never stop. So it is a matter of how long you can hide it from her. So be prepared for that battle at some point as well.

    Keep us posted.

  3. #28
    Making a life for Tina! suchacutie's Avatar
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    who makes the decisions?

    Hi! You mention in your initial post that YOU think he should tell her if he is actually transgendered in some way. Well, do you really think it is your call?

    Step back a moment. Your daughter spoke to your wife. Your wife, who can't stand your dressing, spoke you you. Doesn't that strongly imply there there is a problem here? Be Careful!

    The only line of approach that I can see here is a discussion with your daughter Totally Limited To: Your mother told me of the incident of your finance and your clothes. Are you ok with it?

    And then let her take the lead. Don't give advice, don't give opinions, don't make decisions. Let her talk and if it's short, it's short. If she goes on keep asking her how she's come to the conclusions she has and just help her work it through at her level only. It seems to me that she already is moving forward, so let her do it at her speed, with the only thing you've gotten across to her as that you are willing to listen....listen only.

    Is this hard...you bet!!! good luck!!!

    tina

  4. #29
    Ice queen Lorileah's Avatar
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    Interesting concept. How do you "out" someone else without "outing" yourself. Such a paradox. How do you tell someone to be up front and honest to their future spouse and still hide from people yourself? That's enough to make your head explode. Now here's the kicker, how do you force yourself into the private affairs of someone else? Even as a father? Is your future son-in-law violating some law that will imperil your daughter? Did you raise your daughter to be closed minded? How do you know your sil is a CD. Maybe he was having fun with his fiance and next week they will rent a room at the dew drop in and hang from the chandelier.

    If your daughter asks for advice, give it. Out yourself in need be (and it probably needs be). Don't get into it just because you can. This isn't suggesting what color to paint the livingroom. It is their life.

    She's an adult. Evidently she thought it was cute or funny. That shows at least an amount of acceptance. You want to distance your future son in law? Confront him about this. Now he knows that everything he does goes back to mama who evidently tells papa who thinks he needs to fix it. So if he had any inkling of telling her, that is gone because he can't trust her to not tell.

    They say that girls pick lovers that remind them of their dads. Maybe that is more true than we realize
    The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
    Chief Joseph
    Nez Perce



    “Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,

  5. #30
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    Not how I feel.

    >>Don't hold back Mary....tell us how you really feel! lol


    I'm telling you what I t-h-i-n-k of the past behavior and the current situation.

    "Hypocrite" is just a word that describes the actions that have been taken is spite of his/her true feelings and true agenda.

    So, how do I feel about this mess?

    Not good.

    It's like watching someone take needless risks for very little gain - over first one lifetime, then another.

    And, I could back up the original post and query:

    "So, if you really thought/thinnk you're CDing was/is OK for you life/wife/family, why is it suddenly an issue for your daughter's life?"

    You ask me what to do... I ask you why you haven't already done it.

    This is not about crossdressing - this is about you and how you deal with your personal issues in life.

    You couldn't have floated this issue sooner?

    Well, there's the water fall up ahead - paddle harder or get out.

    Pun intended.

  6. #31
    I Love to be fem
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    Hi Stephanie here's my
    If you are out to your wife does your daughter know too, if so then talk to her first on her own, to see if she hasn't a problem with it, if she is ok with it then, just tell her how you feel about cding, I know difficult thing to to talk about cding to your daughter, but atleast she will get the idea of what its like from his side.
    If your daughter doesn't know then go for a beer and try to talk with him, but don't just blurt it out, try to get round to it, as you are not entirely out of the closet, you have made the first steps telling your wife, so it cannot be any harder to speak to a fellow cder. Now that is asumeing he does cd, you must make sure first otherwise you will be making a fool of yourself
    Well thats my I wish you luck and strength hun

  7. #32
    Ice queen Lorileah's Avatar
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    this could be a great scene in a movie. Fade in, two men, one older, walk into a bar and sit next to each other.

    "So how's it going with my daughter?"

    "Very well thank you sir."

    "great, great. She is the apple of my eye you know. She is my world"

    "Yes sir. I know that and she loves you very much."

    "uh huh. Say what about United? You think they can take the title this year?"

    "they have some good players, Yes they have a chance."

    "yeah I agree, they are playing well right now. Whats this about you wearing my little girls panties?"

    That wedding is off now. Still think it isn't YOUR call on this.
    The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
    Chief Joseph
    Nez Perce



    “Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,

  8. #33
    I Love to be fem
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lorileah View Post
    this could be a great scene in a movie. Fade in, two men, one older, walk into a bar and sit next to each other.

    "So how's it going with my daughter?"

    "Very well thank you sir."

    "great, great. She is the apple of my eye you know. She is my world"

    "Yes sir. I know that and she loves you very much."

    "uh huh. Say what about United? You think they can take the title this year?"

    "they have some good players, Yes they have a chance."

    "yeah I agree, they are playing well right now. Whats this about you wearing my little girls panties?"

    That wedding is off now. Still think it isn't YOUR call on this.

  9. #34
    Ready For A New Life Katherine1951's Avatar
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    Dilema ?

    Hi Stephenie,
    I too am not out to my wife but she knows and does not accept it. When we met 18 years ago and then moved in together, she was rearranging the closet to fit some of her clothes and found my boxes marked "Halloween Costumes", naturally they wer my CD apparel. She did not approve. So then, like an idiot, I threw them all out. Eventually the heat of the marriage cooled off and for excitement, and the love of it, I started purchasing apparel again, and hiding it. She found a CD book I had, I left it out on purpose thinking we would be able to talk about it, but it was a MAJOR negative from her end, so I let it go.
    To get to the part of my suggestion, I would talk to my Daughter and direct her to CD help sites, there are many online, that explain the different types of CD's, their needs, the pro's and con's, etc... and let her know that if she truly loves him, you will accept him, without any apprehension. She should be able to find many pluses online and maybe even direct her to this site. Make a list for her and include this site.
    Hope this helps, good luck.
    Love, Hugs and Kisses,
    Kat

  10. #35
    Member jenniferj's Avatar
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    Hi Stephenie,

    My 2 cents are as follows:

    1. You already understand the type of problems that your daughter and future son-in-law will eventually have if he is "one of us" and tries to keep it a secret from his wife. Most of us have done that, many of us are still doing it, and we all feel bad about it. And most of our wives are hurt and at least a little resentful when they do find out.

    2. Future son-in-law may be "feeling your daughter out" by exposing her several times to this, "just for fun". He may be looking for a way to tell her. As they say in television courtroom dramas, he opened the door on this line of inquiry.

    3. Obviously, your daughter isn't completely freaked by this, since he has done it more than once.

    4. You can talk with your daughter without outing yourself. The internet is a wonderful thing; all you need say is that after she mentioned it to you you did some web surfing and this is what you found...

    Be sure to mention that according to what you've read most CDers make great, loving husbands, and that you (and her Mom) really don't see it as a problem. (She may actually know more than she has said and may be "feeling you out" about how you would react to son-in-law)

    5. Suggest to her that if she is bothered by this, she should do some reading on her own and talk to future son-in-law.

    6. It may be that there is absolutely no problem, but you could save them the years of guilt and it took some of us to fess up...

    7. BTW, they used to say that happy young women look for "replicas of their daddies" to marry - maybe she found one

    Anyways, that's what I would do under the same circumstances (except that my little girl already knows about her daddy)

    JJ's guy-me

  11. #36
    Senior Age Member sissystephanie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stephenie View Post
    So One of my daughters is getting married soon. She is living with the young man at this time and they seem very happy.

    The problem is.... she has brought up to my wife that he has dressed up in her clothes a couple of times (just being funny). But the couple of times seems to be that he tried on all her dresses each time, with underwear to suit.

    So how do I discuss this with out outing myself to them and making things worse with wife , but how do I let it go since she is my daughter.
    Speaking as not only a senior age CD (over 65 years experience), but also as a father of a daughter and son, I think I am able to offer some advice!

    Other have offered you good advice already, so I will be just adding to that. The first thing you need to do, which I believe has been suggested, is to have a private meeting with the young man. Mention to him that you heard from your wife about him wearing your daughters clothes, including her underwear. Let him know, by the way you say it, that you think that is a little strange! Watch his face closely as he answers, and you may see the answer that you suspect! If he is not a CD, he probably will just laugh it off. If he is a CD, he will probably fumble for an answer. Let him know that you really don't care what he wears, but you don't want your daughter hurt by his actions. Tell him, without revealing your own secret, that you do know something about Crossdressers (use the whole word, not saying CD's) and that you personally do not find it repulsive but that your wife does! Then, after you have had your chat with him and found out his true story, talk to your daughter and find out her thoughts about him dressing in her clothes. Again, without talking about yourself. If she already knows, and she probably does, she will bring it up herself. After all, she did tell her Mom about him wearing her clothes. but not her Dad! IMHO, daughters do talk to their Dads about a lot of things. If she doesn't bring up your own actions, then leave the subject alone.

    It sounds as though your own marriage is close to sinking as it is. I am sorry to say that, but from what you have stated I see no other course. Neither you or your wife are willing to compromise, or apparently to even have a discussion. That is frequently the price that is paid for living a lie for many years.
    Stephanie

    Lady on the outside, but man underneath!

  12. #37
    New Member elaine_kt8's Avatar
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    Stephanie,

    From what you have written your daughter is well aware of her fiances crossdressing, and does not seem to have too much of an issue with it (at least not as mcuh an issue as your wife does). The situation between her and her fiance is thus rather different than that between you and your wife.

    In my view, to offer your advice to daughter or fiance, where none was asked, and on what they will clearly consider as very personal issues, seems to be asking for trouble.
    Either you must admit that you also crossdress when raising the issue, or you risk damage to your relationship if (when) they later find this out and consider you a hypocrite.
    Also there is a fair chance that your daughter's fiance considers crossdressing as just something he does for fun (to be funny) at the moment. Yet you would expect him to be fully reconciled that this is a permanent and necessary part of his life. Think carefully. How would you have reacted if a future father-in-law had raised the issue with you.

    Perhaps ask your wife if she feels your daughter was asking for advice in this instance.

    Sometimes a parent has to let their children travel their own journeys, make their own decisions, and experience both the love and the tears in their own relationships.
    Your role is to be there with help and advice when they need you (not when you think they need you).

  13. #38
    Luv doing girl stuff CherylFlint's Avatar
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    Stay out of it.

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