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Thread: CDing = Imbalance in a Relationship

  1. #1
    Silver Member AKAMichelle's Avatar
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    CDing = Imbalance in a Relationship

    Has anyone every thought about how we change the rules in relationships?

    Think about this for a moment. When no crossdressing is involved, then both sides seem to understand the rules. The rules have been there for centuries (unspoken but known). He thinks she is cute and he works his way to that first kiss. The woman will get hurt if she expects that kiss and he doesn't deliver. If everything works out, then they introduce each other to their friends for approval. Then the dreaded trip home to parents. If you pass all of these steps, then you might be that ONE.

    Life seems so simple until crossdressing enters the picture. Do I tell her that I crossdress? What will she think of my crossdressing? Will she tell everyone she knows to make fun of me? Will she run off because I am a crossdresser? These questions and problems are never there until the person crossdresses. Once we get past the inital worries, some of us make the fatal mistake to hide the secret from our spouses. This will only cause bigger problems later. Especially when the spouse either finds out or is told after many years of marriage. The trust is destroyed for good reason. You didn't trust her and now she doesn't trust you.

    So now I come to the point of the post. I think that crossdressing causing an imbalance initally because no one knows exactly what to do. Some GG's try to accept us only to leave when they finally admit they can't. Others struggle for years with crossdressing of their man. Some magical women accept from the very beginning and their is no imbalance.

    I never noticed it until I finally met one of those magical women who accepted me from the very beginning. That relationship caused me to look at my other relationships and notice how once crossdressing entered the picture how it changes things. Sometimes for the good and sometimes not.

    Has anyone else noticed this issue?
    Michelle

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Shelly Preston's Avatar
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    Lots of things can cause an imbalance in relationships

    It could be cd'ing or sporting activities, differing expectations or just growing apart

    Even when there is no imbalance marriage will always evolve from what it was in the begining
    It can be down to how both partners can deal with any issues that get raised
    Shelly

    Super Moderator....How to tell your partner......Abbreviations

  3. #3
    Gurly brat. Valeries_Online's Avatar
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    One thing my SO and I talk about is how I get two of everything. Like I account for 2/3 and she is 1/3 rather than 1/2 and 1/2. As far as material things go anyway. I say that it can cause imbalances. If they are negative or not depends on how they are perceived and handled from my expirience.

  4. #4
    Silver Member Teri Jean's Avatar
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    I have seen many of us go through this imbalance in their relationships in the short time I have been here. So when I got to the point of coming out the gal I was seeing and wanted to get serious with I let her know how I felt. Did it change our fledgling relationship, you bet. But the thing was she's still a close friend and maybe down the road it will become more. If not she knows I have been up front and honest with her.

    CDing and TG does limit the number of SOs we have for possible mates but at least they know going into the relationship as compared to finding out after years of living together.

    JMHO Teri

  5. #5
    Girlygirl Tomboy Wannabee Toni_Lynn's Avatar
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    This is why I always say never make the girl within more important than the girl who is your SO. If you truly love her, she should come first in all things, especially if she accepts ... then everything else come together

    Huggles

    Toni-Lynn
    --I'm TN (transnationalist) - a Canadian born in an American's body! I stand on guard for thee!

  6. #6
    Swans have more fun! sandra-leigh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AKAMichelle View Post
    Think about this for a moment. When no crossdressing is involved, then both sides seem to understand the rules. The rules have been there for centuries (unspoken but known). He thinks she is cute and he works his way to that first kiss. The woman will get hurt if she expects that kiss and he doesn't deliver. If everything works out, then they introduce each other to their friends for approval. Then the dreaded trip home to parents. If you pass all of these steps, then you might be that ONE.
    My relationship with my wife did not follow anything close to those "rules", and has pretty much always had "imbalances" in it that are a lot bigger than my cross-dressing (which I didn't even realize until 9 years into the relationship.)


    Quote Originally Posted by Toni_Lynn
    If you truly love her, she should come first in all things
    Unfortunately, Toni, "Love conquers all" is a fiction.

    My wife is currently being torn apart by the strain of caring for her elderly Alzheimer's mother (who lives with us.) Not just the mechanics of cooking and cleaning: there is the emotional strain of parent/child role reversal; there was relationship strain at "not being good enough" and "only being a younger daughter" (Asian culture prizes first sons) and still being told her efforts aren't good enough; and there is a lot of strain at seeing everything that "defined" her mother's personality vanishing. I can help a bit with the mechanics, but my wife has to resolve the rest of it within herself. Alzheimer's is an emotional sinking ship with the passengers (my wife) more than half panicked. If I were to "put my wife first in all things", then especially with my medical condition (Depression), the result would be that I would go down with the ship.

    Why is it that on airplanes, in the safety speeches, they tell parents to put on their own oxygen masks first, and then to help their children? It's because the oxygen deprivation confuses the mind quickly: the responsible adult has to take care of themselves first so that they will have the mental resources in order to be able to help everyone else.

    Thus it is that I am best able to help my wife over the long term by putting myself first some of the time. She's going to be in that sinking ship for at least another 1 1/2 years before we can get her mother into a home: if I don't sometimes stop and rest and restore myself, then I'm going to burn out and be no good to anyone... indeed, my wife would flounder even worse, trying to take care of ill me as well as her ill mother. So yes, that does sometimes mean "being selfish" and taking some Sandra time or doing or buying something for Sandra that my wife disapproves of: if I don't put myself first at least part of the time, I'm not going to be around to hold that oxygen mask for my wife when she needs it.

    You cannot live your entire life for someone else: you have to live at least part of your life for yourself.

  7. #7
    Senior Age Member sissystephanie's Avatar
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    Maybe I am old-fashioned. Well at age 77 I can be!!

    This post is not meant as a slam at anybody. If I offend someone I apologise here and now!

    I don't think being a CD causes an imbalance in a relationship! Not if the fact of being a CD was handled in an open and honest way from the very beginning of the relationship. I speak from experience, because that is what happened between me and my late wife. I told her before we married, she accepted me "as is," and we had many happy years together before she passed on.

    On the other hand, as has been said many times before, not telling creates a very large problem. Why you ask? Because now you have a relationship that is based on a lie! That relationship is probably never going to be the same. So yes, then there would be an imbalance!

    But back to my original premise! If that situation exists, as it did between my late wife and myself, then there is no reason for an imbalance to exist. If there is open honest communication between the CD and the wife/SO, there is no reason for an imbalance to be there! Unless of course, it is manufactured by either party!! That, my friends, is just plain old fashioned logic!! Well, I said I was old fashioned, didn't I?
    Last edited by sissystephanie; 11-01-2009 at 05:13 PM. Reason: Correcting wording!
    Stephanie

    Lady on the outside, but man underneath!

  8. #8
    Silver Member Joanne f's Avatar
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    I would agree with Shelly Preston in that it is not the CDing in it`s self that cause`s an imbalance as this imbalance would happen if you take anything and make it more important than your relationship/marriage, or just simply spend more time and effort on anything other than your relationship/marriage then an imbalance or conflict will happen .
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Joanne

  9. #9
    Colorado Country Girl Jin Xer's Avatar
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    I would at first say it does, and has for me. But if I look back at those relationships, I see that they wanted something specific from me. Whether as a traditional masculine male, or the house, kids, and picket fence.

    I don't disclose my CD'g (or other intimate details of myself) with someone until I feel the relationship could get serious.

    But I also try to get a sense as to whether she may be open to it. You can talk around a subject and get clues as to her feelings.

    That's just my take.
    Jinny

  10. #10
    Making a life for Tina! suchacutie's Avatar
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    yes, there was change

    We discovered Tina together. Suddenly we were taking about topics that had never surfaced. My wife was amazed at what might interest Tina. Dealing with Tina, who is clearly a very high-maintenance gurl, I started to understand much more about my wife's everyday existence. It was no longer that I just observed what she did, but now I did it too, and there is nothing like experience to increase understanding. Talking about how it is to grow up in one gender or the other has opened fantastic comparisons that we never knew existed. This whole experienced has opened conversations on opinions, emotions, and personal gender-related experiences.

    By exploring my feminine self together, we have discovered parts of each other we didn't know existed. Whatever is in the future for the three of us (including Tina!), it can't help but pull us even closer as we discover and share more and more.

    Tina

  11. #11
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    I don't know that I would use the term imbalance. Maybe. But I do agree that the rules change in a relationship with an open CDer if the CDing goes deeper than merely wearing the clothes. We both want the same things. We both want to be valued for the same qualities. The complementary Yin/Yang of a traditional female/male relationship is altered. This is why it is difficult for a CDer to find a partner in a conventional GG.

    I'm sure many here will disagree with this, but I would like to quote what, in my opinion, is a beautiful description of the Yin/Yang principle that most GGs, and perhaps even GMs, look at as being their fundamental roles in their relationships:

    "Yang is the initiating impulse, which divides and delineates; yin is the responsive impulse, which nurtures and reunites. Without yang nothing would come into being; without yin all that comes into being would die. Yang is mental activity in its forceful aspect, yin the imaginative and poetic, exalting the merely mental to the beautiful. Yang goes ahead with things, yin contains things within herself and knows their nature without effort. Yang does, yin is. Yang in his givingness bestows the gifts; yin in her being receives, preserves, enhances, and redistributes them. Yang constructs, yin instructs; yang implements, yin complements; yang is strength, yin endurance; yang is knowledge, yin the mystery that reveals itself and becomes knowledge. Yang is the discoverer, yin lures toward greater discovery. Yang is the self-developer, inspired by yin, the self dedicator, for her development and his dedication. Yang is the lover, and yin is therefore beloved; yin is the beloved and the source of love. Yang is will and yin is wisdom, and one without the other is neither, and together they are joy. Yang is as the day, turning into night, and yin the night preceding the day; the one is the force that drives the waves of the ocean forward, the other the force that draws them back so that they may go forward again." - Patricia Joudry and Maurie D. Pressman, "Twin Souls".
    Even among the supportive GGs there are times when it is difficult to alter her role, in order to complement her partner's. It is helpful if the partner understands this and is willing to allow the GG to be the yin to his yang when she needs to.
    Reine

  12. #12
    The Anima Corrupt Wen4cd's Avatar
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    I want to comment more on this in a while, but first I'd like to remind everyone of the bliss of following aforementioned 'rules.'

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTkp9UqVVHs
    And so we go, on with our lives...
    We know the Truth, but prefer Lies.
    Lies are simple, simple is Bliss.
    Why go against tradition, when we can admit defeat,
    Live in Decline, be the victim of our own design?

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