Whenever I see threads about why we crossdress or why we started crossdressing etc, my mind goes into a deeply psychological space.
As a kid, I was not pushed into any 'boy' things. In fact, at school, I was the one called on last when making up teams in phys ed. At sporty type things, I was not at all good. And as such I received no encouragement to try. Later as I grew older, at around 11, 12 and 13 my sister got invoked in being a majorette/ baton twirler in a group that marched in parades. That meant that there were practices and parades to go to almost every night during the summer. She was very good at what she did.
Now I was very good too -- but not at physical stuff. I was a bit of a brain. I used to read the encyclopedia cover to cover and was constantly listening to my shortwave radio. I used to sit, alone at home, and think -- a lot.
I was always being told at home that I was fat, a loner, and lazy. At school, the boys called me fag, and weirdo. While my sister was getting pretty things and trendy things to wear and was being told how pretty she was, I was being shuffled of the dull ugliness of the boys 'husky' department. The most disturbing thing to my little mind was when my mum bought her blue jeans from the boys department, cause you really couldn't get girls jeans then, yet I couldn't get a dress. It seemed like, oh just toss a pair of grey fat boys pants at him-- then turning to my sister, yes soon you'll be getting your first bra, won't that be special!
About this time, our society changed. Suddenly girls were being encouraged to play baseball and run and climb trees and do all the thngs that boys did. And if a girl wasn't good at baseball or whatever, she was encouraged to excel, to try -- girls can do anything boys can do -- and that included boy stuff. Yes -- and it was at that time, that my sister got to try out for softball -- but my endeavours, like debating and public speaking were always accompanied by, ho-hum yeah right -- did you see her hit that ball. I envious because, here I was, a boy, and I felt like I couldn't do anything -- certainly not girls stuff -- and not boys stuff either.
Years later, these days, as I go through the continuous process of self discovery, I have come to a point where it seems that I began to crossdress fully at age 13 to become a girl, so that I could be a boy. As a girl, I could be cute, or if I was at tomboy, I'd be cuter still. As a girl, I'd be encouraged and told that I could hit the ball like the boys, because I was a girl. As I've said in other threads, I believe that this is why I have no issues with wearing menswear inspired women's clothes, or boyleg/ mens-style panties. As a teen I caught hell if I wore men's no-fly bikini briefs -- cause they were "too girly". But as a girl, it would be perfectly acceptable for me to wear panties that looked like men's undies. Maybe that's why I have my 'thing' about girls in boy's undies, or tomboys dressed as guys. It says hey -- I, to, could be a girl, but look like a boy, and because I was girl I'd be nurtured, but I'd be comforting the boy part of me, too. phew - deep stuff.
BTW - -I still, however stand by my feeling that it is a myth that women can wear guys clothes and get away with it while we get grief for CDing, for while I do agree that the boundary is softer, it has to be noted that when wearing guy's stuff, they aren't attempting to appear as guys.
I don't know where I am going with this, except to say this is the only way I can reconcile all this in my mind. And maybe its why I sometime, while very happy and content with my crossdressing, don't feel like I belong here, because I don't feel like I'm crossdressing when I'm dressed as either a girl or, as recent thread put it, a guy. It an old pattern imprinted in my brain that won't let go, that heals the hurts. You know what -- while the sad bits that made it come to be are things that I'm not happy about, I have been given a gift, my CDing, that makes it alright, because I can do anything boys can do, because I found the girl within. I have closed the circle.
Most of this is rhetorical, but I welcome thoughts and comments.
Huggles
Toni-Lynn
Originally Posted by Toni_Lynn
I have never, in the last four years, gotten any grief going out that way. I have received compliments on my outfits, and lots of smiles from GG's and sometimes from men. Since I am partially bald and wear what hair I have cut 1/4" long I definitely do not look at all like a woman. 
– complicated stuff. All this grew out of non-acceptance? I would place the blame at the feet of your peers, parents, or, perhaps, your own submerged self-image, if indeed “blame” is required in this personal landscape of confusion. Who cares if you can hit a ball properly or not? It means nothing in the great scheme of things, believe me. Oh, you get satisfaction out of doing something you’ve seen others do well, especially if you are cheered or admired for it, but there are many other things one can do for self-esteem. How about looking in the mirror and being happy with whom you are, no matter how you happen to be dressed? I would start there, and ignore what others expect of you – brazenly defy expectations and forge your own identity. People say things like, “You can be anything you want to be,” but they don’t really mean it, do they? They really mean you can be anything others expect you to be -- meaning, be acceptable to those in society who will help you to be like everyone else. As a crossdresser, you’ve already crossed that threshold into the lonely desert of self-determination, so recognize this precious gift you have – it’s all about comforting the “boy” in you, after all. You can certainly be a girl and be a boy at the same time – I know, because it is my (and our) chosen “profession of being” BTW, never join a group -- be true to yourself always…[/SIZE]
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i was actully good at that but was teased because it was a "girl's game" Even cloth's were bad as I was a heavy set kid that would get cloth's 9/10 times from the salvation army or the good will while my sister got her cloths and shoes at the mall. witch didnt bother me as i liked to be thrifty,still to this day i shop 9/10 times at the good will and salvation army,but as any kid know's that's a breeding ground for torment from your class mates.
