If I'm supposed to represent, what do I say?

[aleshiabaum]

I'm being befriended by some new people as a result of my attending my first party as a girl. People are naturally curious, and want to know 'whether I want to be a woman,' what my sexuality is, and one girl even asked me to define several terms, including one I had to just send her a wiki link for.

There have to be about 13,000 'what does it all mean' threads here. So one more can't hurt, right?

I'm wondering what it would mean if anyone I know from work ever sees me out dressed. I just got laid off, so I won't be going back there. But I had about 200 people I worked with, and about two dozen in my department just threw me a birthday bash a couple of months ago were my fairly close friends. I was known as the girl crazy joker musician. Which I am..they just never knew how girl crazy. At the party, I enjoyed getting the attention of the girls. Guys might have thought it was the classic girls-love-a-gay-guy thing. Hell, the women might have even wondered. Wheels within wheels, endless shades of grey...nothing is set in stone.

I digress, as I will. Here's what I think about me. I honestly don't think I'd give a damn about dressing if I had the woman of my dreams in my life. There are too many other things I'm passionate about, from writing to composing music to spending time with my girlfriend. But it's been five years since I've had any real fun or passion in my life. I know that this void is making me want to do something new. As a musician, I experienced the change in tone that people had towards me (when I was in a successful band many years ago.) The other night as Aleshia dressed to the nines, I once again felt special.
There's nothing I enjoy more than being noticed, and then having people realize that I'm a genuinely nice person, self deprecating, funny and silly. As my normal guy self, I often feel like a clumsy goof that falls for the prettiest woman in the room (who is invariably on Dirk Squarejaw's arm.)

But compared to many whose stories I've read here, I feel like a tourist. I don't get all emo about wishing I was a girl, I certainly don't get my feelings hurt about any of this, and I also realize the fundamental absurdity of it all...especially when dealing with the utter awkwardness and discomfort the clothes and makeup bring. My previous forum experience was on a transsexual forum, where the crossdressers were few and far between. My one old transsexual friend tells me she was never a crossdresser. That one had me scratching my head. (You knew you were a girl in middle school but you never dressed as one?)

I guess I have a hard time understanding how dressing up can make someone happy if they want to "be" a woman. "Look like" a woman for parties - that I get.

And I would like to understand.

[sissystephanie]

First of all, I have to say that I grew up in Portland! Haven't lived there for 41 years now, but still love the place!

It appears you are what I regard as myself being. That is what you should tell people you are, since you don't seem to fit the mold for anything else!

I am a "pure" crossdresser! That means I dress only for the fit, feel, and look of womens clothing. I am definitely not a Transsexual, or even a Transgender. I am not a Transvestite, because I don't dress for sexual reasons! I am a Crossdresser, and nothing more, just because I like to wear womens clothing for the reason I gave above. I have never wanted to be a woman, just to dress, and sometimes, to look like one. When my wife was alive, she used to fix my wig and do my makeup, so the two of us could go out as two girls! She loved me as her husband and as her best girlfriend, and I loved her equally. That is True love, and it lasted for almost 50 years before cancer took her!!

[NathalieX66]

First of all, I have to say that I grew up in Portland! Haven't lived there for 41 years now, but still love the place!

It appears you are what I regard as myself being. That is what you should tell people you are, since you don't seem to fit the mold for anything else!

I am a "pure" crossdresser! That means I dress only for the fit, feel, and look of womens clothing. I am definitely not a Transsexual, or even a Transgender. I am not a Transvestite, because I don't dress for sexual reasons! I am a Crossdresser, and nothing more, just because I like to wear womens clothing for the reason I gave above. I have never wanted to be a woman, just to dress, and sometimes, to look like one.

Simple enough answer. That one works for me, Period. End of story. I am one of theose breeds that has chosen my path in life and decided (with much thought) that I am not headed in the direction of transsexual. However, you know you best, and I know me best. For me, all I know is that I have already decided the gender of the name I want written on my gravestone when that day comes.

[Samantha Girl]

I live like 15 mins outside Portland... where's the party?!

Best way I can answer is yeah I have a lovely, fun, caring woman whom I will spend the rest of my life with... so why crossdress? Well, I'm kind of obsessed with women, and of course girly things. I'm a painter and 80% of my work involves women. You'd think that'd be enough but I guess it's not!

Most of the time I would say I have no desire to BE a real woman. However the idea is so fascinating to me that if I had the chance to LITERALLY be a real woman for like a week or something I'd totally give it a try

So I'm obsessed with woman, but I don't necessarily dislike being a guy ya know.

I uhh don't think I even answered your question, or did I? Ummm, say what YOU feel!

[joann426]

first i can say is that dressing as a women makes us feel more alive and some times we are scared of people wood say about us i really dont care what any body says about me i do what i want when i want and go where i want i just dont care what any one says i am me and that the way its gonna be

[busker]

Aleshia,
There are lots of things there to comment on but I think if you address the contradictions first, that might be a start. 1) Dressing is s PITA (?) but you do it. 2) You don't see the point of dressing to be a woman (do you want to be?) but dressing to be a girl is OK. Who exactly are you trying to attract as Aleisha? . Girls generally attract boys/males and crossdressed boys attract boys sometimes and wary girls mostly. 3) you like attention but you seem to be avoiding the things that you want to do that could give you more positive attention like your music. 4) you will not likely FIND the love of your life by looking for her but more than likely meeting her accidentaly in a setting where you have something in common--writing, music, ???? ).
Everyone wants to be and feel special but you have to face facts that it likely won't happen because it is a big, impersonal world--you have to feel special for yourself, feel good about yourself in the things you do. If your present life is boring,non-productive--spend time thinking how it could be improved. New location, new friends, new job will help when you get it, living in a different state/city/country for a while, there are many possibilities. You need to help yourself dig out what is inside--and that doesn't necessarily mean your "feminine" side. If I could whirl the merry-go-round backward 45 years, I'd take the time to explore the blue dot more. Unburden myself with worldly possesions (which can be a real anchor) and travel, learn more languages, meet more people . Navels are only good for collecting lint--they tell you nothing about yourself. Experience will give you more clues to your nature. From your picture, you look still young enough to accomplish much. Get out of your "armchair", pack your girly clothes for a while and set out as a guy on a mission to explore yourself and the world.
Mandrake out of water

[carolinoakland]

Wow. I have to say that a lot of your descriptions of yourself were close to how I thought of my old self. And yet since I transitioned I've heard more than once that I use to be very 'angry' and 'tight'. I don't for a second suggest that you are going to do what I 've done.The diference that your trying to understand is that a ts is a woman. a cd is a man who enjoys being a woman from time to time and is happy being both. Carol

[aleshiabaum]

Stephanie - pleased to meetcha. it sounds like you were very fortunate to meet someone to love for that long. I have no doubt there are wonderful women in similar situations that would love to meet you. Some people are the marrying kind (I'm one of them.) I hope you have a wonderful next chapter in your life.

Samantha - pm on its way. Another artist, huh? Cool. We live in a great place, no?

Nathalie, Joann - well put.

Wise Busker is wise. That is the heart of it of course. Music is the most savage of mistresses. Complex music can be fascinating - or stuffy. Pop music can be exhilarating - or disposable. I want to be as direct as Tom Petty and as sublime as Leonard Cohen. I'm fascinated by Chopin's chord progressions, but know that I wasn't raised as a pianist, and my skills are lacking. And the music business is tough on you and your relationships. 9/11 caused so many cancellations that my band went into serious debt and overnight my income was cut in half, four months after my girlfriend moved across the country to live with me. Yadda, yadda, right? I've got it easier than many people on this planet, and in the current economy I have nothing important to lose and no one but myself to be responsible for. I'm free to go anywhere. But freedom doesn't mean a lot without a cause. Love seems to lead to heartache, and music isn't that important anymore - just another entertainment choice. I'm only sure of the people I love and the music and books and films that make me feel something still. But it's absurd to feel too sorry for myself having nothing but time to do whatever I like, never missing a meal, just because I'm not a rock star with an indie rock supermodel girlfriend. I never fail to notice the people holding up signs at the exit ramps. They are the ones who are adrift. I'm just someone who
got lucky enough to live my dreams for a few years...more than a lot of people get.
Something will come along. In the meantime, I'm enjoying what's good about solitude...namely, not having my train of thought interrupted by someone who wants me to take out the trash! (I'm taking a break from watching Fight Club for the first time since it came out...a great film for anyone sick of the mainstream...funny how synchronicity happens. I swear to God,
on my way to my makeover I turned on the radio and Lou Reed's Take a Walk on the Wild Side came on. Too much.

I've been asked not to get too graphic about 'who I'm trying to attract as Aleshia' on this forum. It's people in the artistic kinky lifestyle. Women and TG's. I'm newly curious about serving a woman dressed as one...possibly in public. These people are so free, so unashamed. I want to find out what they know. I really think getting to the place where I truly don't give a damn what anyone thinks would be tremendously helpful. But I'm not there yet.

Re: girls versus women. They're interchangeable terms to me. Didn't mean to cause confusion.

A final thought: who I ended up attracting the other night was bisexual women. It was the first time in five years that I've gone to a party and ended up kissing a beautiful stranger. I look at my avatar, and I see the kind of woman I'd like to be with. I'm not nearly that pretty in real life...I overexposed the photo in iPhoto to make me less recognizable, but it also makes me look a lot foxier than I am really.

[Samantha Girl]

Yaaaay art! Yaaaay Portland! I've only lived here for 4 months and if not for being unable to find a job I'd be ecstatic. But the job thing just kills everything ya know. But I loooove Portland, I go to the Saturday Market every weekend, love the atmosphere around here, very chill

I totally understand with the music, it just feels like one more artform out there amongst many, and don't get me started about popular music! :| Just know there are still some of us out there who love music passionately. Who understand and have experienced the inspirational gift music provides I really understand being "adrift" artistically as well. However since my life's been in such an uproar recently, there has been much painting and drawing going on Not that anyone wants to buy any of my stuff!

I was alone for a loooooong time. Just know when you do find the right girl all the lonely times will make the great times with her that much better. She'll appear when you least expect her too

[Frédérique]

There's nothing I enjoy more than being noticed, and then having people realize that I'm a genuinely nice person, self deprecating, funny and silly.

[SIZE="2"]You sound a lot like me…[/SIZE]

I guess I have a hard time understanding how dressing up can make someone happy if they want to "be" a woman. "Look like" a woman for parties - that I get. And I would like to understand.

[SIZE="2"]In my opinion, you can’t “be” a woman by dressing like one – it’s more complex than that. I know I can’t be a woman, so I don’t try to, but “looking like” a woman at least gets me closer to that feeling of vulnerability I desire. Why dress like a woman (a specific feminine type you admire) if nobody is going to see you – at a party, for example? I do it for myself alone – this is a solitary existence, just a lonely search for happiness by distancing oneself from one's unsightly masculinity. I don’t like some aspects of being male, so I literally “take steps” to mentally remove myself from the immediate vicinity. The wearing of female clothing helps me to accomplish this feat, but it’s pointless to try and actually be a woman – the idea of gender integration notwithstanding, it simply pleases me to get closer to someone I already am by dressing in a different way. All you need to understand is that you represent yourself – everything else is just artifice...[/SIZE]

[aleshiabaum]

Samantha, your 'kitten with a whip' describes my new friends perfectly

[aleshiabaum]

[SIZE="2"]You sound a lot like me…[/SIZE]



[SIZE="2"]In my opinion, you can’t “be” a woman by dressing like one – it’s more complex than that. I know I can’t be a woman, so I don’t try to, but “looking like” a woman at least gets me closer to that feeling of vulnerability I desire. Why dress like a woman (a specific feminine type you admire) if nobody is going to see you – at a party, for example? I do it for myself alone – this is a solitary existence, just a lonely search for happiness by distancing oneself from one's unsightly masculinity. I don’t like some aspects of being male, so I literally “take steps” to mentally remove myself from the immediate vicinity. The wearing of female clothing helps me to accomplish this feat, but it’s pointless to try and actually be a woman – the idea of gender integration notwithstanding, it simply pleases me to get closer to someone I already am by dressing in a different way. All you need to understand is that you represent yourself – everything else is just artifice...[/SIZE]

OK. So, the men here who are married (who feel like you) are put in the position of trying to convince their wives that they should be open to the idea of having a partner who loses some masculine traits but hopefully picks up some desirable feminine ones. And obviously the degree to which wives are amenable varies considerably. i see why encouraging one's partners to come here is helpful. Talk about needing a community!
I'm flashing to an interview with Sylvester Stallone's wife. 'Copland' had just come out, and Sly had gained a lot of weight for the role. She said it made him both physically and emotionally softer, and she liked it.

[Frédérique]

OK. So, the men here who are married (who feel like you) are put in the position of trying to convince their wives that they should be open to the idea of having a partner who loses some masculine traits but hopefully picks up some desirable feminine ones.

[SIZE="2"]Well, I’m not married, darling, so I neatly avoid that problem of having to explain myself to someone. I would have a hard time explaining this idea to my wife or SO (I have attempted it with the latter, BTW), especially if she is with you because you are masculine, or are at least perceived to be, according to her standards. I don’t know if most women would be receptive to the idea of feminine traits being a “good” thing – after all, they should have the inside track on that one! If they could feel what we feel (i.e. crossdressers) and recognize our needs or desires, it would certainly help, but only a truly sensitive person could embrace such a concept, since it falls outside of normal gender boundaries (and thus, one’s own expectations). I can’t speak for married crossdressers, however – I am, unfortunately, not among them… [/SIZE]

[VeronicaMoonlit]

Just represent yourself, and tell people how you see yourself, but also say that Transgendered folks are like snowflakes and all different and what your thoughts and feelings on your identity are your own and shouldn't be applied to others with a broad brush.

Veronica Rogers

[busker]

Aleshia,
All is not lost. I'm going to play Sherlock Holmes for a minute. You said 9/11 killed your gigs big time. And you moved, so I'm going to say that you lived in NYC. Sometimes we give clues about ourselves subconsciously and I'm wondering if the name you chose Baum might indicate that there is a religious component to your anxiety? Would you be at home on the Lower East Side of NYC?
That can be a problem but there seem to be a number of people on the forum who have sucessfully dealt with it.

It sounds as though you are not working a music gig since you were laid off, music is just "another entertainment choice". That would contradict your intinial statement of a great passion for music. We all have to work and some have the choice of happier work. I'm familiar with the ups and downs of the music industry but it many ways it beats digging ditches. Since you have skills and have a desire to dress and meet artistic-kinky types, have you thought about a combination and create a "one woman" show. don't know what your singing voice is, but female impersonantors have been going on for a long time. There are not even GG shows anymore. I think the last one woman show at a NY hotel closed recently after 15 years. Are you "out of the cloest" now? or only to select individuals? You could do a "Tootsie". Can't find work in one guise, try another. you could certainly meet a lot of people that would fall into your desired category, make some money, and it would be an evening gig allowing you to still keep a foot in "man's" world .Could give you the best of both worlds to explore.
You love Chopin, try Bill Evans and Ravel and Debussy. John Field is their common ancester.
Mandrake out of water.

[aleshiabaum]

Lol, 'Baum' is a variation on a good friend's ex girlfriend's last name. I chose the name years ago when I created my email account and was casting about for a female name. I was living in the west at the time of 9/11. To my knowledge, there's no connotation being attempted.
I'm a big fan of Evans and the Romantic/Impressionistic period pianists. To my ears, Radiohead is one of the few bands that attempts that kind of chromaticism successfully in pop. Music is still the most important thing to me...at least it's tied for first with love. I meant it doesn't have the same social significance it once did to the world.
I've written to a few friends this weekend as well, and have been reading their thoughts as well as the ones posted here. Yes, it's still a bit nebulous, but finding out that there are others who feel the same as me is really affirming. I'm confident that the cd'ing will sort itself out over time, I'll establish my niche in the local community and have fun with it.
My sexuality is fluid in theory, but in practice it seems that it takes a gg to really make me feel a spark. My chief complaint with some of my exes was that either they were more conservative than I, or simply not that much fun.
You know, my parents have 'done the right thing' all their lives, yet the economy has bankrupted them. My primary directive at the moment is to refuse to let my current unemployment cause me to live in fear, or panic and move away or something. I'm not going to get another job I hate. The past three years has been just existing and spending my extra cash on more musical equipment. But if you can't express yourself on an acoustic guitar or piano, a nicer guitar or piano isn't going to make a difference. So for now I'm going to live by selling stuff that weighs me down and work on my composing.
I honestly feel like it would be better to have a great time for the next twenty years and then move to a remote fishing village, than to buy a suit and work in a cubicle to buy a house that I won't pay off until I'm in my seventies. That hardly makes me a Rainbow Family member...but it's a start. Imagine having fun every day, surrounded by like minded friends.

[CherylFlint]

There is no known substitute for dressing. A wife will neither strengthen, nor lesson, the desire. Expressing yourself as a woman to yourself, and to the world, is a desire that can not be ignored. Surpressed, yes, ignored, no. Some of us on this blog have come to terms with our desire, some haven't. I suggest that you work it out rather than throwing up your hands.
Take it from me, dressing can be very rewarding, educational and very, very fun.
The way I explain it to myself is that my X's and Y's are arranged so I'm a crossdresser and that's all she wrote.
Have fun, and I know you will once you've come to terms with it all.

[aleshiabaum]

There is no known substitute for dressing. A wife will neither strengthen, nor lesson, the desire. Expressing yourself as a woman to yourself, and to the world, is a desire that can not be ignored. Surpressed, yes, ignored, no. Some of us on this blog have come to terms with our desire, some haven't. I suggest that you work it out rather than throwing up your hands.
Take it from me, dressing can be very rewarding, educational and very, very fun.
The way I explain it to myself is that my X's and Y's are arranged so I'm a crossdresser and that's all she wrote.
Have fun, and I know you will once you've come to terms with it all.

See, you've hit it on the head. It's like I got really excited by imagining what it must be like to skydive. I finally did it, and plan to again sometime. But I haven't been bitten by the bug so deeply that I'm now going to spend my life skydiving as often as I get the chance.
It's part of my hesitation about participating here. It's something that means just about everything to some of you. I want to express myself honestly, but with sensitivity to those for whom this is not just a fun thing. Yes, I may discover its importance down the road, but frankly I can't imagine it ever taking over my life.

[sheidelmeidel]

See, you've hit it on the head. It's like I got really excited by imagining what it must be like to skydive. I finally did it, and plan to again sometime. But I haven't been bitten by the bug so deeply that I'm now going to spend my life skydiving as often as I get the chance.
It's part of my hesitation about participating here. It's something that means just about everything to some of you. I want to express myself honestly, but with sensitivity to those for whom this is not just a fun thing. Yes, I may discover its importance down the road, but frankly I can't imagine it ever taking over my life.

There are "all kinds" on this site, each gives what they want and takes what they need, and I don't think you need to "represent" anyone other than yourself. You needn't provide any explanation or definition to anyone if you don't have one. Cheryl F might have summed it up for many of us by saying we're wired that way, no further explanation needed.

[CherylFlint]

fun: peace of mind, enjoyable. Pleasure, mental and physical. Going on an outing, seeing and meeting new people while dressed. Being accepted as a female while dressed. Being accepted as a loving, caring, emotionally mature woman. Being preceived as a non aggressive, non violent, person who has the ability to care for others as a mother/nurse would, as in "Mother Earth". Kind. Also thinking about, plan, look, buy, wear, items that a drab would not consider, i.e., eye shadow, heels, garter belt, wig, etc., ad infin. Trying on outfits that make one look sexy. The feeling, and smell, of nylon, silk, and other fabrics that females wear. Being satisfied with a "look". Enjoying looking at women fashions and lingerie at stores while dressed, "May I help you Mam?". Looking at lipsticks, powders, getting a makeover at a department store in a mall, in full public view, while dressed. Having other women accept you as a person, a "sister". Going out and passing, or trying your best, is what I consider the word "fun" to mean.

[aleshiabaum]

Hmm. I think about dressing as a costume to make certain things happen when I go out. That was always my plan this year. Years ago...probably 20 years ago in fact, it was a fetish fantasy to occasionally dress up like a tart and...what's the term...ah yes!
Choke the bishop. lol But it doesn't get me excited like that now.
Now it's about joining the kinky folks and having a little glamour when I do.
I don't think about the sensations of fabric and such, at all. This stuff is bloody uncomfortable. Even a wig is hot and you have to make sure it's on straight, unlike real long hair, which I used to have. Waist cinchers? A bra? Stilettos? Earrings? Like I said in my other recent thread, by the end of the night I couldn't wait to get out of this stuff. Obviously women must get used to it and have the right figures if they want to look like a femme fatale in a corset.
Just as obviously, Cheryl, I realize you must be referring to far more comfortable garments. I know what a silky nightie feels like or a cashmere sweater. But fetish wear isn't about comfort.
It's PVC and leather and boots and corsets and lots of tight stuff. Make it new and stiff and put a size 14 guy in a size 12 cincher, and you can see why I was grinning and bearing it!

With all the varied attitudes about cd'ing, I am reminded of this:

[ReineD]

Here's what I think about me. I honestly don't think I'd give a damn about dressing if I had the woman of my dreams in my life. ... But it's been five years since I've had any real fun or passion in my life ... The other night as Aleshia dressed to the nines, I once again felt special.

I guess I have a hard time understanding how dressing up can make someone happy if they want to "be" a woman. "Look like" a woman for parties - that I get.

And I would like to understand.

Hi Aleshia! Welcome to the forum. Nice to see you posting!

Here's what i honestly think. You would want to dress even if you had the woman of your dreams in your life. If you go back and read other people's stories here, you'll see that so many TGs in their early love-of-their-lives relationships lost the urge and purged, some of them, only to have the desire return.

As to finding a passion, sometimes it is in right under your nose.

I've been asked not to get too graphic about 'who I'm trying to attract as Aleshia' on this forum.

Lol.

Yes, it's still a bit nebulous, but finding out that there are others who feel the same as me is really affirming. I'm confident that the cd'ing will sort itself out over time, I'll establish my niche in the local community and have fun with it.

I'm glad you found us. I'm sure you'll find some answers here and I know you'll have some fun.