Why "come out'?

[sheidelmeidel]

I have seen this question tossed around in many threads so I decided to make it a thread for itself. The question is, why do so many of us have this great urge to "come out" of the closet? What not just stay undercover?

I don't have this urge but I have a simple answer for those who do: it makes everything much easier. No more paranoia, no more skulking around, no more flimsy excuses, no more mysterious disappearances, etc..

[StaceyJane]

Well, if i came out I wouldn't have to hide my cute outfit. I could hang it up in the closet and not leave it hidden and crumpled up.
For me the main reason to want to come out is that Stacey really is a very important part of me. Keeping her hid in the closet isn't good for either her or me.
One day when I feel ready she will come out.

[JoAnne Wheeler]

Why come out ? I think it because we want desperately to be accepted and

loved for who we are.

This is a very timely thread for JoAnne, BECAUSE last night, JoAnne came out

to her biological GG sister for the first time. Why did JoAnne "come out" ? I

think it was because JoAnne cannot go own without letting her family know

what has been going own in her "brother's" life.

I will say that my GG sister accepted JoAnne completely and unconditionally.

It has made me so happy.

JoAnne Wheeler

[skirtsuit]

I didn't have the urge to go out until just recently and I can tell you why I do it -

Beacuse it's totally #%@$% fun!!!

Going out has totally changed my life and attitude - I absolutely love it, dressing completely is much more enjoyable than I thought it would be. All those hours lost in beauty products!

Makeup counters!
Friendly & enthusiastic young SAs!
The wind in your skirt - ever ride a bike in a dress & heels? Try it!
Jewelry!

I could go on and on...

Ann / SS

[Ruth]

To me, one of the hardest things about the CD life is the secrecy. I am out to my wife and a couple of discreet close friends but my children do not know. I find this a continual source of sadness because they do not really know their father - and my wife finds it a continual source of anxiety because she is terrified they'll find out!
So although I love my CDing self and am contented in where I am at present, it would complete my happiness if it were generally known and accepted.

[sheidelmeidel]

I didn't have the urge to go out

SS - I think we're talking about "coming out", not "going out".

[skirtsuit]

So sorry, I need to learn how to read, obviously.

I'm not 'out' yet either, none of my family or non-cd/ts friends know.

Ann / SS

[Nikki A.]

I pick and choose who I reaeal myself to although in some ways I really don't care who finds out if it wouldn't affect me in my career.
Sometimes I get tired of having to hide this part of me, and lets face it we all crave acceptance of our peers and friends. This is a part of who I am. I am not hurting anyone, or am I trying to deceive.

[DinaMature]

It is a matter of degree. The Femme that lies within many of us here is so strong, it demands expression beyond the quiet moment. The girl within wishes to become the dominant prescence.

For myself, too much of my life that I value is wrapped around my guy side- my personal and family relationships, my hobbies, my career. To come out as CD/TG would so endanger my status that there is no desire to go beyond my quiet time.

Having said that, I do have more personnel freedom than many. My SO is embracing and accepting of my femme side and when I'm ready to go out fully en femme, the door is open.

Many here struggle to experience any facet of the CD life... and that suppression makes the girls within fight all the more for their freedom. If I were in my earlier marriage, with the self awareness I have now, I too would be dealing with much of the turmoil others give vent to on this forum.

Ruth wrote, "To me, one of the hardest things about the CD life is the secrecy."

That alone is stressfull and creates extraordinary demands. No matter what level of expression we individuals may need, when there is no accommodation, the internal pressure to be "out" is very strong.

[Lorileah]

Because I have a dream. A dream that one day all people will be able to wear what they like when they like (as long as they don't offend MY sense of propriety and decency). That one day I won't hear someone in McD's tell their son "No Jimmy that's a doll wouldn't you rather have a football?" (by the way Jimmy here's 30 grams of fat and salt that can increase your chance of obesity). A dream that we won't give men in Target whiplash when they try and steal a look as we walk by. I think that together we can make this dream come true.

[SweetCaroline]

If you plan on going out in public, I think coming out is inevitable. Hiding becomes more of a burden than the coming out process. Just my 2 cents.

[sheidelmeidel]

So sorry, I need to learn how to read, obviously.

Not necessary. You're a good looking girl - reading skills are optional.

[AKAMichelle]

I think the biggest thing is being something that you aren't. We pretend to be macho just so nobody will ever know. That is a terrible burden.

Eventually you just have to be true to yourself.

[AllieSummers]

I came out to my wife and daughters for a variety of reasons.

1. I wanted to be honest about it. I hate to lie.
2. I got tired of keeping all those plates spinning. It was taking a mental tole on me.
3. I wanted to share this with the people I loved the most.
4. My wife thought I was having an affair with another woman so I had to...she didn't know I was the other woman.
5. I needed closet space to put my growing collection of clothes in.

There are probably a million more but that is all I have for now.

Kisses,

Allie

[sherri52]

They are the best reasons. No more hiding, letting the SO know may even get you a shopping partner. It could backfire but it is better you let the SO know before you are caught. They always think you are decieving them when they find out on thier own.

[melissacd]

I think that it is not a matter of coming out but rather finally just being yourself. The reason that I come out to people is because I can no longer not be me.

[busker]

Though nobody specifically said it, those who are at the far end of the dressing spectrum have a dual (transgendered) identity--a kind of self-imposed schizophrenia. You know, let's see who am I now Betty or Bert? By coming out, they are still two but they could then be in either persona without much or any guilt.
Personally I have no wish to go out en femme, I have no wish to be a woman, I simply --at this point--enjoy the clothing. The puberty chemicals have long since dissipated I think. So I would not come out since it serves no point or need.
Stress can be extremely dibilitating so I would think no-one would wish to endure that for too long, though as we have seen coming out can have very negative consequences. It is a kind of double-edged sword.

[Melinda G]

Sorry to pee in the punchbowl, but I'm not out, and don't plan to be, anytime soon.
For most of us, crossdressing is sexually driven. It's part of our sex life. So why the great need to parade it for the whole world to see.
I can only speak for myself, but I prefer my kids remember me as "Dad". Not dad the crossdresser"!
I still have an interest in women, and crossdressing is a death blow to most relationships. For every woman who accepts it, a dozen don't.
For the truth and honesty crowd, who feel the need to come out to someone they are dating, do you tell a new girlfriend about all the women you've been to bed with, in order to "get it all out in the open"? Of course not. So why the need to tell them about your crossdressing?
This board is littered with teary stories from those who came out to their wives, and their wives took the kids and left. But it's a free country. Do whatever you want. There's a whole squad of "truthers" here, who will "be here for you". It won't be much comfort when the little woman files for divorce, and you're looking for a place to live. But "they" will be here for you.

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

I came out because frankly I was tired of being scared of people finding out. I was tired of having this big secret that I had to dance around, and frankly, I also wanted the freedom to wear what I want, when I want it. I didn't want to have to find excuses for why I chose to wear a skirt on a particular day, and such. and I was tired of feeling like I was putting up walls to isolate me from people, that I was denying a part of who I was from all but a rare select few.

And, finally, while I don't want to be an "activist" I realized that the more of us that come out, the more people will see us as we are, just another person who has a harmless, even if not entirely run of the mill, quirk. I want people who know me to see that I'm the same guy I always ways but I also wear women's clothes sometimes. I want people I meet from now on to just know, ok, this is something he does but he's just another person. And I want other crossdressers to see what I do and think "Hey, maybe I can do that too..." and so on.

For the truth and honesty crowd, who feel the need to come out to someone they are dating, do you tell a new girlfriend about all the women you've been to bed with, in order to "get it all out in the open"? Of course not. So why the need to tell them about your crossdressing?

I think this is a horrible analogy. You may not tell your new girlfriend about all the women you've been with, but there is also generally an understanding that both of you have had partners before, and if there haven't been any, that's likely something you *would* tell her at some point. There's a passive acknowledgement/acceptance of our partners' previous love life before we come around, so even if you don't bring out your black book and give play by plays, you *aren't* hiding something from them.

This board is littered with teary stories from those who came out to their wives, and their wives took the kids and left.

All the more reason to be open and honest from the beginning. Everything I read about spouses finding out, and from my own experiences talking with girls about it, the constant thing is that the deception has a lot more to do with the collapse of the relationship than the crossdressing does. It's a betrayal of trust to withhold such a massive part of who you are from the people you love.

Also, all the more reason for more of us to be out as we can. So that people can start to see us as being more common than they realize, and more normal than they realize so that when someone does find out that someone they know crossdresses, it might not be easy at first but it isn't insurmountable an obstacle.

I'm interested exclusively in women myself, and yes I know that having come out as a crossdresser will hurt my chances with a lot of women. Good, because I don't want those women anyway.

For every woman who accepts it, a dozen don't.

And for every woman that is for me, there's a billion who aren't. I don't care about the dozen who don't, I just care about the one. and since I've dated several who aren't part of your cited dozen, I think I'll be ok.

[AmberLynn]

Im out to my wife. I tried many years ago to come out to my family and was laughed at,they thought it was a joke. something to laugh at. It pain's me not only because i cant dress around them,but because i am expected to put on a super masculin "show" for them and hide any physical and emotional attribute's of amber.

So why come out,cause it is a part of who you are. In my case the harder i tried to bury amber the harder she fought back to escape. I have tried to find a happy medium but it is proving tough not trying to talk to them again,i hate hiding.

I mean even if i was only able to express my self as amber thru action's of careing,loving,nurting. alas im gonna be recloseted deeper and more confused then last time if get the same responce. Both in witch Why i want to come out,And Why i can not

[sheidelmeidel]

This board is littered with teary stories from those who came out to their wives, and their wives took the kids and left. But it's a free country. Do whatever you want. There's a whole squad of "truthers" here, who will "be here for you". It won't be much comfort when the little woman files for divorce, and you're looking for a place to live. But "they" will be here for you.

And "they" won't be there for your ex-wife. Who will be there for her, after you've decided to ruin her life in order to "be yourself".

[docrobbysherry]

For me, CDing is like an EXCITING DREAM, NOT about "who I am"!

Coming out, could QUICKLY turn it into a NITEMARE, for me!

[Kaitlin the cd]

If I came out I....

1. Can crossdress more often.
2. Can share a big part of me with all my friends.
3. Can find that guy or girl who likes the fact that I crossdress easier.

[Lorileah]

For most of us, crossdressing is sexually driven. It's part of our sex life.

Whoa hang on there pardner, you are dead wrong on that. Some may be, more may have started there but nu uh...no sex for a lot on here. Even less for most the married people if you read the boards

I can only speak for myself, but I prefer my kids remember me as "Dad".Not dad the crossdresser"!

That says you don't try and raise your children to be open, tolerant and caring. You reinforce the old dressing is bad myth. Why can't they know Dad the human? Dad the guy who taught me to stand on my own two feet and fight for what is right and fair?

I still have an interest in women,

the majority here do also with over 50% who are "straight"

and crossdressing is a death blow to most relationships.

Once again because of a stereotype and lack of honesty in the community. The hiding and then asking forgiveness for lying years and years and years. Most? again? lets say some or a few.

For the truth and honesty crowd, who feel the need to come out to someone they are dating, do you tell a new girlfriend about all the women you've been to bed with, in order to "get it all out in the open"? Of course not. So why the need to tell them about your crossdressing?

because that is past and over ( I hope) and crossdressing is current and still part of who you are. Simple ain't it? It is also more fair to allow the woman a chance to either say she doesn't mind or no she can't reconcile this at this time.

This board is littered with teary stories from those who came out to their wives, and their wives took the kids and left. But it's a free country. Do whatever you want. There's a whole squad of "truthers" here, who will "be here for you". It won't be much comfort when the little woman files for divorce, and you're looking for a place to live. But "they" will be here for you.

There are thousands of people on these boards, usually less than 10 a month lose their spouses. Some find the love of their lives each month also. In today's society, it does not take much for one partner to bale out. Irreconcilable differences I think they call it. More often than not it is "I found someone more fun and I don't need you anymore." Off to the next one who they tire of and guess what? He didn't dress but he had another "problem" they could not deal with. Over half the marriages in the US end in divorce, I don't think all those guys were wearing dresses. Also calling her the "Little woman" is sort of well, rude and misogynistic IMHO. She is your partner, friend, spouse, lover, equal. And men wonder why women leave?

But you are right, you are pissing in the punch bowl, and that is sad that you have such an outlook that you find this to be a good thing

[sheidelmeidel]

SM, maybe u should have asked, "Why come out if you're NOT TS"?

I can agree with that, but I think the TS group is a small minority. Anyhow, if you really are TS, you will almost invariably come out, like it or not, so the question really doesn't concern that group.