Living with some fear; the end of marriage because of CDing

[JulieC]

I've seen multiple threads recently regarding marriages ending due to being a crossdresser. Frankly, there's a part of me that is terrified by this. I see marriages of 10, 20, 30 even 40 years being destroyed because a spouse CDs. Even when a spouse was previous 100% supportive, suddenly it's over because the husband crossdresses.

My wife and I have a very deep, very strong love for each other and for our relationship. We treasure what we have, and work on our relationship in some way every day. She's known I crossdress since early on in our relationship. Though, the level to which I crossdressed increased significantly a few years after we married. I never kept any of it secret. Still, she did a 180 on me and rejected my crossdressing. A few months later, things slowly came back around again. Now, she's ashamed of what she did and has profusely apologized, and swears it will never happen again. I accept what she says, believe her and know it won't happen again.

Yet, I fear the mists of the future. What can cause a marriage to crumble after 30 years? 40? 50? I would be devastated if she left. Utterly devastated. We are always looking forward, not at any raging beast chasing us from behind. Yet, I also want to do everything in my power to avoid the marriage crumbling, including from CDing.

Onwards we press, yet there always remains within me nagging doubt about just being with her while crossdressed. How can she accept a man, her man, dressed as a woman? Will this ever flip the balance, cause her to leave? I find it hard to dress in front of her sometimes, wanting to reduce the pressure of crossdressing that she may feel from me.

I wish I could just be happy go lucky, and not have a concern in the world with how much I do or do not crossdress. But, I can't be that way.

I'm not trapped in any sense. Nor am I the slightest bit unhappy with my marriage and this wonderful woman in my life. But, I think for me and maybe for many here, crossdressing is always a source of some pain, some anxiety, despite all the wonderful things it also does for us.

Just putting this out there.

[Lorileah]

Julie, I understand your concern. Nothing is 100% but it really sounds like you have a very strong base in your marriage. I also think that if we could dig deeper into the reasons that many of the posts about the marriage ending we would find that CDing is really just the smokescreen for other things. No one ever says that they had other problems with the marriage. In some cases maybe CDing is the root cause. But more subtle reasons lurk. The hiding, the sneaking (thus instilling a fear in your partner that you are having an affair or other clandestine thing going...which in most cases they are..just with themselves) the lying. Of all the things in a marriage, honesty is probably the biggest part. I have seen marriages last through a lot of crap when both partners are honest. I wish that all the fairy tale stories were true but you are going to have days that you don't like each other. Things will be said, hurtful things. They stick with you stronger than the loving things. But communication and honest (yes dear I threw out Aunt Gladys' vase...I am sorry but dang it was ugggleee), you sleep on the couch for a few days then things come back. However if you say "I don't know where that vase went." and she finds out you threw it away...that couch will be used longer and she will not trust anything you say again.

Long story here is that marriages that are based on being best friends and when both partners communicate (we all have secrets so telling all isn't the issue...saying what matters at the time IS). I think that as long as you don't let the dressing rule your life, you share life experiences with each other, you have fun being together, then it will work out.

Separate vacations aren't a bad idea either...that helped my marriage alot just because she didn't like to travel and I did

[Brandi Wyne]

I too have been married for many hears. My wife doesn't know; exactly. Although she can be good at ignoring stuff, this isn't one of them. I have done and said things that brought us to the brink but here we are. I'm not so concerned that I can't make it alone or that she could either. It just gets to be that you have traveled a long and twisting road together and yet I know this one is a deal breaker.

So, I go on hiding a lot of what I am about and she goes on ignoring the little things tha slip out; provided they really little things. She is deeply religious and that is one major problem. She tell me she would prefer me to be all hairly now and questions why I wear little white micro fiber undies. If she saw me dressed or even uncovered my femme stash, it would be over, no matter what I have sacrificed for her in her lowest points in life.

For you who have knowing and understanding wives, Kudos to you. I am a CD and I realize that I truly love it and miss a part of my identity when I can't be me to maintain a relative peace in the house.

[DonnaT]

Married 34 years and been thru the 180 degree turns a few times. And on the verge of divorce a couple of times, even though she has known for 34 yrs.

Sometimes it is just based on the CDing, the fear of neighbors or the kids finding out being too much of a strain. Once I told the kids, after our last flirtation with divorce, things seem to have gotten a lot better. But the fear is still there.

[JulieC]

Just want to add on / clarify a bit..

I consider myself transgendered; for me that means I have a gender identity that is somewhere between male and female. Mostly male, but there's distinct female aspects as well.

I have no desire, interest or wish to transition either through surgery or living full time 24/7. I like being a guy, and I like dressing as a woman to feel, at times, more complete to my full gender identity. I can't even begin to imagine transitioning. That's just me.

My wife has always known of my CDing since a few months into our relationship. I've never hidden anything of CDing from her since things started getting deeply emotional between us. Once it headed that way, I opened up to her completely about it. A few days later, she bought me pantyhose. I had nothing at the time, as after the second date or so I purged all of my femme things because I wanted to tell her on my own terms, not by way of her discovering my stash. CDing has expanded for me since then. I'd never fully dressed before, and have now. I never had a dress, skirt, or even heels before. I do now, and lots of them all. My wife has been along for the entire ride, and I've always kept her informed. I'm 100% honest with her in all things, not just CDing.

We have kids. The kids are young, and don't know. We don't expect them to keep anything secret, and do not want to burden them with trying to keep dad's crossdressing secret. When they are adults, they might be informed. Until then, we are not telling them. They might discover on their own, in which case we'll have a discussion or three. In the meantime, we raise them to have open minds to all things human that are not self destructive and/or illegal, to all diversity.

[Melinda G]

Even if she knows about it, what is the point of dressing in front of her? She knows about it. Fine. You've been honest about it. Don't rub her nose in it.
How many of us would accept our wives or girlfriends dressing like a lesbian, or a man? What would be your reaction if your wife got a mans haircut, and let her leg and underarm hair grow out?
The problem with crossdressing, is that it gradually escalates. I've CDed all my life. You start out wearing a few items of cloths now and then. That works for a while. Then you decide to shave your legs. That's OK for a while, but you don't feel complete. So you shave from head to toe. Then you paint your toenails. Then you start wearing womens clothes around the house as much as possible. And what your wife or SO initially accepted, has escalated far beyond what it started out as.
There are no easy answers here. And it can be a burden to carry around all your life. So is blindness or deafness. Deal with it. There are worse problems you could have.

I think another mistake we make is to have this coming out, and serious discussion with the wife, or SO. You immediately give her the impression that this is a major part of your life and maybe more important than she is. I think it is much better, if you do get caught, to just downplay it, and say something like, "Yes, I dabble in it from time to time, but it isn't a big deal". "I'm just a little curious about it". And let it go at that, and see what happens.

[TNRobin]

I consider myself transgendered; for me that means I have a gender identity that is somewhere between male and female. Mostly male, but there's distinct female aspects as well.

I have no desire, interest or wish to transition either through surgery or living full time 24/7. I like being a guy, and I like dressing as a woman to feel, at times, more complete to my full gender identity. I can't even begin to imagine transitioning. That's just me.

It's my firm belief that we all have both a male and a female side. How strong each side is will determine how we pursue that other side.

For me, I'm exactly where you are. There's an old joke, "what's the difference between a CD and a TG?; two years." I'm not there and won't be. I like being a guy most of the time and do guy things, hunt, camp, shoot, etc, but I really enjoy dressing up as well.

For me I'm very fortunate to have a girlfriend that is not only supportive, but gets a real kick out of me dressing up. I had quite for years and not too long after we started dating SHE brought it up, "wouldn't you look cute in a dress?" That was a shocker and a really good one. That was a bit over a year ago and I've been dressing from time to time ever since. She actually enjoys it so much that at times she's wanted me to dress up and brought it up.

We're not married and likely never will be. We have our own stories about horrible divorces, so we will likely stay just where we are, married in a way, just not on paper. I would be devastated if I ever lost her and without a piece of legal paper binding us it would be easier for her to walk away.

Sorry that I don't have any real advice here, just telling a bit of my own story.

[AKAMichelle]

Nothing is 100% but it really sounds like you have a very strong base in your marriage.

You can spend all of your time worrying that your wife will change her mind or spend that same time making an even better marriage. There are no absolutes, but I would rather cherish what you have than worry one minute about something bad.

1) Can you prevent your wife from changing her mind? NO
2) Can you make her always love you? NO
3) Can you make her accept your crossdressing? NO
4) Can you show your wife how much you love her? YES - so make this where you spend your time instead of worrrying about something which may never happen.

[sandra-leigh]

I also think that if we could dig deeper into the reasons that many of the posts about the marriage ending we would find that CDing is really just the smokescreen for other things. No one ever says that they had other problems with the marriage.

Well, actually....

When it looked earlier this year like my marriage was probably over, although I didn't talk about the reasons, I did make it clear that my CD'ing was only a portion of it, and that the root causes had existed long before I knew that I was CD/TG.

In the time since, I have seen more than one person post saying that the breakup of their marriage was not primarily about the CD'ing.

I have tagged a number of messages with the tag 'divorce', if someone cares to review the past and see what people talked about as the causes.

[Chixxie]

Another excuse to stow away into the recesses of my mind when I want to bring the issue of crossdressing up with my SO...

Thanks..

Anyhow...
I guess, if any relationship dissolves because of an issue as important as this...
Then the relationship would have dissolved at some point anyhow...
After all, it's a part of who we are.

[lavistaa62]

Insecurity killed my first marriage not CDing and CDing has convinced me that my second and current marriage is more awesome than I even suspected.

Back to the first instance though, in retrospect I should have worried less about my actions and some more about my partners. You can see the parallel I'm drawing- you didn't hide yourself from your partner she changed her mind; there's little that can be done to avoid that situation. You didn't change the rules, she did.

Being young sort of sucked because I was much less aware of all life had to offer and was just seeking female companionship.

[jenniferishappy]

My wife and I both said this when we tied the knot. Since then I have come to believe that we marry an image of a person, not the person per se. And while we expect the road to be winding, we always know that divorce will be an option if we just get so over the whole thing we cant get if off our minds. There are a whole lot of people out there in this messy world. Some more damaged than others. Just because people have traveled the twisted road for a long time together doesnt mean there is not another person more suited for each one if it comes down to it.
I have taken a tremendous amount of time to read and think about this whole thing ( i have read more on this forum than any other website in my life, as i plan on telling my wife that i have been with for almost 15 years very soon about my CD'ing)
So I can see how public CD'ing and accelerating CD'ing could be a deal breaker, understood. However, if there is something in your relationship making you continually unhappy, give it a lot of thought. We only go on this trip once, and most of us are at the very least near the end of Act II and quite a few III. The idea that a lot of CD's may fail to ever realize a balanced identity because they are so scared of having another person leave their life is tragic. And I am not talking about the choice between being alone or being with your current SO. It is true that one may find themselves sifting through a lot of potential replacements until the right one catches, but the fact is if you have the heart to keep at it, you would eventually find that person. I know this is long winded but its important. No one is irreplaceable and there are many, many ways we could find ourselves alone anyway. Life is short. If there is one thing that is celebrated in the US is the opportunity of the second chance, to reinvent. Dont sell short what/who you have to offer. And besides, at our age, a lot of ladies on their second go around have a whole new perspective on what they are willing to take a good look at *which just may include your wardrobe! I refuse to be terrified of loneliness, as I will continue to put myself out in the world so I can remain happy. Keep a positive self image and try not to let guilt (coming from a recovering catholic) confuse you. Humans, yes including our SO's and any family members, are much more resiliant than we credit them with many times and any family member of mine that would disown me because of this is dealing with their problem, not mine. Its not simple, but its worth a good think.

[melissacd]

Is it possible for a long term relationship to end at anytime for any reason, sure. Can it end because of cross dressing, sure. Anything is possible in this infinite universe of ours.

Nothwithstanding that a strong open communicative relationship between two open minded, respectful, loving people should be able to withstand this sort of thing. Will there be problems to work through, sure, always, but if you care about each other enough then you will make it through, you will weather the storms. If the relationship is not build on grounds of mutual respect and acknowledgement and acceptance of who the other person truly is then how can it last, in fact why should it exist at all?

So if she really, truly loves you in all that that means then cross dressing will not end it. Cross dressing ends relationships that were weak to begin with. It can be the straw that breaks the camels back but it is not the root cause.

Melissa

[Katesback]

Sadly the whole CD/TS and marriage thing just does not go toghether most of the time. I can see the points of view from both sides. I totally know that being CD/TS is REALLY what you are!!!! I ALWAYS encourage people to do whatever it takes to be happy!!!

I believe the most important rule for transition is you have to be willing to put everything on the line! I also see this rule apply to CDs and marriage as well. If you arent willing to put it all on the line you probably are in for a really bumpy road.

From the wives perspective (mine included) (assuming she didnt know about the CD thing from the beginning of the relationship) she married a MAN. She went into the relationship expecting a man. I might add that there are some CDs (myself in the past included) that REALLY are TS but not willing to transiton at this moment in time. If you really are TS dont think for a minnute that your wives dont detect this at some point after you tell her you are CD. She then is faced with the fact she has a girl for a spouse.

I might also point out that when you tell your wife its not uncommon for this huge sense of relief and then joy and desire to include her in your CD affairs. I have said it before and see it constantly in the posts. What starts out with a CD wearing panties can easily escalate into full time presentation of girl, boob job, talk about SRS, all sorts of things the wife never would have guessed she was in for (hence the pulling back).

Not every CD does these things but its also not Uncommon!

The point is that your wife went into a relationship with certain expectations and if she is pulling away, filing for dovorce, ect. ect. then she has come to realize that these expectations are not being met!

The real important thing you have to sit down and analize is is the CD thing worth loosing everything? If it is then go for it!!! If you arent willing to put it all on the line then just remember the bumpy road.

Katie

[Sherry-Stephanie]

I read you post and thought I'd respond with my thoughts since I just went through this....

I started dressing oh 20 months ago....went to the wife with the idea before starting and she had this explosion of what the F**k is going on....but we talked about it and she was reluctant be agreesed to help me with it....

All was going OK although she wasn't fully supportive....and then last spring she decided to go out and do her thing which included seeing guys as freinds...and a bit more...we had other issues that came inot play so dressing wasn't the main issue but it was there...our situation is a lot more complex...

a couple of months later she announced she didn't want to be married anymore and simply wanted to be single and go and enjoy here life....she was meeting all kinds of guys on the internet and then meeting with them. So it appeared that our marriage of 14 years and knowing each other for 22 years was in the tank and going south....

Needless to say things weren't pleasant at the house but neither one of us was in a position to move out. My job tanked because of this and I left on the 31st of July, and made plans to collect my 401K and move to Florida....

I packed up and left in late September and made down to SW Florida with the idea of starting a new life for me....

Well 10 days later she called (actually we were talking all along even as I was pulling out of the driveway) but she wanted me back missed me etc and all....so I came back. My wife and I never had a stronger better relationship in our life but something happened....partly with her and partly with me....so it got broken somehow....but though all the difficulties I told her I loved her unconditionally and always had and always would...so when she wanted me back I came back for if I hadn't then I guess that would prove that I didn't love her unconditonally.....

But things do change when you go through this....I still love my wife but I know that if things don't work out for us it won't be the end of the world....life will go on just differently....I don't feel like if the marriage broke I'd break....I'm free of that fear. So now I can concentrate on just loving my wife.....and let her love me as she can for as long as she can.

She's come to accepting the dressing better...is more open with it...but don't get me wrong...she doesn't drop to her knees every morninging saying thank you for having my husband dress enfemme....but we go out shopping again together for our girl clothes....we go and get pedicures done together and yes my nails get painted and she doesn't get bothered what others think when we do this...

She still goes out with her GF's to do their partying and I go out to the clubs as Stephanie and she's OK wiht that....

So where we go with all of this who knows but the fear is gone the acceptence is better and we've resolved some of the major issues and pretty much are free to enjoy each other as we are and with our short comings and faults...bottom line we both know that though the good tiems and bad tiems we'll be there for each other...and as the commercial goes...."and that is priceless"!!!!

hang in there and good luck....that's all I can tell you...if the marriage is strong enough and is suppose to survive it will and if it isn;t then it won't....rather simple but that's really the way it works out....

Stephanie

[sherri52]

Julie: I would like to tell you that you are in safe territory but we all know there is really no such thing. Your wife appologized and hopefully it was from the heart. You will have to take things in stride and except the appology and try to life without thinking of the worst. It is best to live your life, love your wife, and enjoy your cd'ing even if it is behind closed doors.

[Mary Morgan]

Just My Two Cents

I frankly do not buy the notion that crossdressing ends marriages. I do believe that the behavior of the crossdresser may cause the marriage to end. The key I believe is partnership, limits, agreements, understanding and most of all a deep love for each other. You seem to have all of that.

I don't doubt that unhappy people will point to crossedressing as the reason, but I believe that if you break it down, it is much more about how you treat each other while dressing or doing any of the other things that are a part of our lives.

Respect each other, care for each other, love each other, and the rest will take care of itself.

[linnea]

It may help to verbalize your feelings and thoughts; I agree with some of the others who wrote that your crossdressing, in itself, is not likely to be the reason for the disintegration of your marriage. keep working to make the marriage strong.